Sleeping on empty dreams...
I have like 298347 pages worth of updates just from the past 3 weeks of my life. Surprisingly enough, most of it is good stuff. I don't think I'll get into that just yet though..if ever. The bad is weighing heavy, so I'll let some of that out. ..in typical Jess fashion. Ranting is what I'm best at, eh?
My friend Jesse told me during lunch today that I have so many amazing qualities going for me, but the negative/blah side of me stands in the way of those good qualities shining through. He told me that I had so much potential to make something great of myself, but I let the little things hold me down. I think just maybe he's right...about the holding on to obstacles and letting them be the damnation of me anyways.
Last Wednesday, Zach and I broke up. We got into a huge argument. Everything is so detailed to explain with some sort of effort to make it comprehendible with enough background info. In the weeks prior, Zach was down. Depressed even. I questioned it a few times, offered anything I could do to make it better. He didn't want to talk about it. After a few attempts, I stopped inquiring because he seemingly only got annoyed when I asked. I thought when he was ready to talk about whatever it was, he would come to me.
The weekend prior to last, his/our(?) friend Elias stayed with us. On Tuesday I drove Elias home and hung out in South Jersey for a bit. Zach didn't come along because he couldn't get out of work. The following day, the infamous Wednesday, Zach rode home with me from work during his lunch hour. You see Zach has been without a car since November, so we make ends meet with mine. On the drive home he looked through a bag of CD's I'd bought that day. He seriously questioned my CD purchases, "You hang out with Elias for one weekend, and now you're buying all the music you guys listened to together." That statement was a bit of an exaggeration. I responded to Zach with something about how most of the albums I bought were bands that he introduced me to, and that it had nothing to do with Elias. Regardless of the reason, how petty to question my CD purchases. Seriously, is it that important why I buy the CD's that I buy? After that, I tried to make small talk; blurting out random things about the radio or weather or scenery. It was of no use. He was in not good mood.
At any rate, we made it home. I sat down on the couch and began to read the Aquarian. Zach proceeded to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. After which, he joined me in the living room...plopping down in one of the chairs. He didn't say anything to me, so again I tried to make small talk. After only a few minutes he got up and announced he was going back to work. That was very unlike him. Generally, he pushes his time to the limit when home for lunch.
Once he got back to work, he and I corresponded a bit via IM. I'm not even sure what was said. I had a few glasses of wine during that time. I think we got into some sort of tiff about the whole CD thing and the distance between us during his lunch break. Zach left work early..6:30ish.
When he got home it was stated that I wanted to be to myself for a bit. He at some point announced that he wanted to talk. Since I had been drinking, I declined the conversation and went as far to request we talk the next day. I didn't think a productive conversation would be had. I didn't want to talk about something as important as my relationship with him after I'd been drinking. He got pissed. He started throwing accusations at me as he always done...my shortcomings flowing from his lips as if I was the most worthless girlfriend on the face of the planet. Finally I contributed to the conversation. I'm not sure what was said, but it was nothing productive. At some point I was in the kitchen pouring a glass of wine. The wine bottle clanked against the wine glass as I poured. That was reason enough for Zach to come in and make a nasty comment about it. We ended back up in the living room arguing more. I left the conversation and went back to the kitchen. This time I purposely clanked the bottle of wine against everything on the counter. Zach thought I was legitimately being that clumbsy and tried to pull me out of the kitchen. I don't tolerate people putting their hands on me. He should know this by that point. But I guess some people never learn their lesson. After him grabbing me again, I slapped him. More happened, but I'd prefer not to get to detailed with it at the moment. You see, I have to go to court next month because Zach called the cops on me after I threatened to call the cops on him. Once he realized I was only calling Keeyahtay and not the cops, he took it as an opportunity to "protect himself," by one-uping me and calling the cops on me.
Later that night, I cried to Zach and asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted. He said he didn't know. I demanded an answer, because I've been down that "I don't know" road with him before and been strung along. Upon my demand, he said he was sure. I left it at that and went to bed.
The next night, Thursday, we talked briefly. I told him I wasn't going to be a petty bitch and go out of my way to make his life difficult. I told him he could still ride to work with me in the mornings, assuming he would be up and ready to go when I was ready to leave. I asked him if he'd decided what he was going to do as far as living conditions go. He wasn't sure at that point in time. I told him I knew his finances were shite, so not to worry about rushing. I told him if he decided he wanted to go back to MI in May, to let me know so I had a least a month's time to find a new place to live. I told him if he wanted to stay here for a few months until he could find someone to replace me or to be better off financially so he could get a place of his own, that it was fine by me.
Afterwards, we watched Gray's Anatomy in mostly silence. After the show I got up to go to the bathroom. He embraced me, declared his love for me, and carried me in his arms to his bed. I'd taken nyquil, so passed out rather quickly.
The time between then and now, Zach has been acting as if everything was okay. I told him I was going with the flow, when he questioned my distance. I explained that I did have a guard up. I can't down shift that quickly. He didn't understand why I felt the need to protect myself. He didn't understand that it had only been a few days and I couldn't hope whole heartedly back into this.
Yesterday was the last draw. I was upset with him because I wanted to go to open mic in South Jersey and was under the impression all day that we were going to go. In the last hour, Zach said he couldn't get out of work early enough. However at 7:02, he informed me his boss had left and he could now leave work. Earlier I'd said if we could leave by 7:00 it would be ample time. The last time we went to open mic together, we didn't leave to go until 7ish. Whatever.. It was very obvious that Zach just didn't want to go. That's fine...but he should have let me in on that bit of information earlier in the day, so I wouldn't have my hopes up about going.
At any rate, I picked him up from work and was in a very bitter mood. I'm entitled to that right? I can be disappointed/frustrated and it show, right? It doesn't mean it's a permanent mood, but for that moment in time it was my mood. He asked if I was going to be like that all night. I responded with "probably."
He was patronizingly over nice the entire night (until the bad parts). I kept to myself. I watched Gilmore Girls. I searched for music I wanted to buy on the internet. I had an IM conversation with Keeyahtay. Once while I was out to smoke, Zach felt the need to go through my IM conversation and my phone. When I got back inside, he confronted me "oh you feel the need to complain about me to Keeyahtay?" ...as if I did something wrong. Generally when people are frustrated, they rant to someone. It's not even as if I bad mouthed Zach. I simple stated my frustration and how I thought it was bs that Zach couldn't get out of work...but rather thought he just didn't want to go to open mic.
Zach was also mad because there were texts between me and this guy Dan, whom I used to date when Zach and I first met. The truth of the matter is that I've been too depressed the past week to really talk to anyone. Sure I have IM convos with people and I've texted Dan...I respond to people when they conversate with me. Even last night, I told Keeyahtay I was too blah or too frustrated to talk and ended the conversation. My texts to Dan reveal that "I'm not feeling very socialable." It's not as if I was jumping on every opportunity available to talk to people...but if someone sends me a message I'm going to respond...just as I responded, I also got out of the conversation just as quickly. Whatever...
I viewed Zach's MySpace profile this morning and he's finally taken me off his top whatever and set his status to single. I don't recall him being on the computer last night other than to get video game help. Which means he changed it to that before he left work yesterday. If that's the case, why put me through all the drama and fake niceties? Why not just come home and say "I'm done?" Instead he kept asking why I wanted to be with him. I finally told him he should ask himself that question. Wednesday when he said he was sure he didn't want this, I took it as that. I wasn't trying to get back with him....I was going with the flow of what he threw out at me. Whatever... I tried to end it with it being over, but let him know that if he was up in the mornings, he could still ride to work with me. But then I asked for my car key. That set him off. He didn't understand why I wanted my key back. Hello???...you're not going to be driving my car any more, but you're welcome to ride if you need to go some place I'm going. He was irate about it so finally I threw in the fuck it flag and told him to stay the hell out of my car. If he feels so threatened by me that he has to call the cops on me to "protect" himself, but can't later try to cancel that complaint with the court, the he obviously is still threatened by me. IF he's still that threatened by me or needs protection, then we shouldn't be in the same car, the same room even....
..he rode to work with me this morning, but I basically had to force him. Initially I told him that since he was up he should apologize and ask for a ride to work. He refused. Finally I told him that if he wanted a ride he should ask. Too much pride didn't allow him to do even that. In the end I was a bitch and told him to get up and get ready for work and ride with me...
This morning my cell rang and it was my landlord. I answered. She said "Zach just called me and said he was moving out. Are you moving out too?"
What a BLEEPBLEEPBLEEPBLEEP!!!!! After all the courtesy I showed him last Thursday, he turns around and makes a move without first telling me. ..not caring if I can afford to be out by the end of next month..he just did it. WTF??
This is the second time that Zach has truly called it quits with our relationship, because he was afraid he wouldn't have a fucking ride to work. ..I'm starting to get the picture. IF Zach had any out, he would have left me along time ago. My car is what was important to him. The stable living condition is what was important to him.
FUCK THAT! I deserve better.... I wasn't put on this planet to cater to Zach.
Funny thing is that even last night he was saying "Oh, you shouldn't feel the need to protect yourself. I talked to my Mom today and told her that if I had to, I would leave you 2 months' rent so I wouldn't be fucking you over. I'm not going to fuck you over!" Don't patronize me....what a pos.
At this point, I have no clue what his plans are. We aren't speaking apparently. I can't say I'm upset about that though.
I'm going to NC this weekend to hang out with an old co-worker. I'm trying not to stress about all this mess until after my trip. However, I am scared I won't be able to find an affordable place to live. I'm frustrated that I was getting to a point where I could feasibly buy a new car, but now that's not going to happen any time soon because of moving expenses and the soon to come higher cost of living (on my own). I'm frustrated about the money issue on so many levels...finally at that place where I could do the things that I've been putting on hold for so long like school. I dunno... I'm insanely stressed right now and unsure. Uncertainty is a killer...it gets the best of me.
I dunno...yay for a weekend out of here... All of this will be here when I get back...if I'm lucky, the exception will be Zach and his belongings...as long as he leaves a rent check. I'm tired. I've admitted my faults, none of which were relationship jeopardizing. He of all people (Mr. I take drastic measures when I feel threatened), should somehow be able to see my position and understand that it's only normal for me to be a bit distant at the moment. Whatever, I have nothing left to give....
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
My friend Jesse told me during lunch today that I have so many amazing qualities going for me, but the negative/blah side of me stands in the way of those good qualities shining through. He told me that I had so much potential to make something great of myself, but I let the little things hold me down. I think just maybe he's right...about the holding on to obstacles and letting them be the damnation of me anyways.
Last Wednesday, Zach and I broke up. We got into a huge argument. Everything is so detailed to explain with some sort of effort to make it comprehendible with enough background info. In the weeks prior, Zach was down. Depressed even. I questioned it a few times, offered anything I could do to make it better. He didn't want to talk about it. After a few attempts, I stopped inquiring because he seemingly only got annoyed when I asked. I thought when he was ready to talk about whatever it was, he would come to me.
The weekend prior to last, his/our(?) friend Elias stayed with us. On Tuesday I drove Elias home and hung out in South Jersey for a bit. Zach didn't come along because he couldn't get out of work. The following day, the infamous Wednesday, Zach rode home with me from work during his lunch hour. You see Zach has been without a car since November, so we make ends meet with mine. On the drive home he looked through a bag of CD's I'd bought that day. He seriously questioned my CD purchases, "You hang out with Elias for one weekend, and now you're buying all the music you guys listened to together." That statement was a bit of an exaggeration. I responded to Zach with something about how most of the albums I bought were bands that he introduced me to, and that it had nothing to do with Elias. Regardless of the reason, how petty to question my CD purchases. Seriously, is it that important why I buy the CD's that I buy? After that, I tried to make small talk; blurting out random things about the radio or weather or scenery. It was of no use. He was in not good mood.
At any rate, we made it home. I sat down on the couch and began to read the Aquarian. Zach proceeded to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. After which, he joined me in the living room...plopping down in one of the chairs. He didn't say anything to me, so again I tried to make small talk. After only a few minutes he got up and announced he was going back to work. That was very unlike him. Generally, he pushes his time to the limit when home for lunch.
Once he got back to work, he and I corresponded a bit via IM. I'm not even sure what was said. I had a few glasses of wine during that time. I think we got into some sort of tiff about the whole CD thing and the distance between us during his lunch break. Zach left work early..6:30ish.
When he got home it was stated that I wanted to be to myself for a bit. He at some point announced that he wanted to talk. Since I had been drinking, I declined the conversation and went as far to request we talk the next day. I didn't think a productive conversation would be had. I didn't want to talk about something as important as my relationship with him after I'd been drinking. He got pissed. He started throwing accusations at me as he always done...my shortcomings flowing from his lips as if I was the most worthless girlfriend on the face of the planet. Finally I contributed to the conversation. I'm not sure what was said, but it was nothing productive. At some point I was in the kitchen pouring a glass of wine. The wine bottle clanked against the wine glass as I poured. That was reason enough for Zach to come in and make a nasty comment about it. We ended back up in the living room arguing more. I left the conversation and went back to the kitchen. This time I purposely clanked the bottle of wine against everything on the counter. Zach thought I was legitimately being that clumbsy and tried to pull me out of the kitchen. I don't tolerate people putting their hands on me. He should know this by that point. But I guess some people never learn their lesson. After him grabbing me again, I slapped him. More happened, but I'd prefer not to get to detailed with it at the moment. You see, I have to go to court next month because Zach called the cops on me after I threatened to call the cops on him. Once he realized I was only calling Keeyahtay and not the cops, he took it as an opportunity to "protect himself," by one-uping me and calling the cops on me.
Later that night, I cried to Zach and asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted. He said he didn't know. I demanded an answer, because I've been down that "I don't know" road with him before and been strung along. Upon my demand, he said he was sure. I left it at that and went to bed.
The next night, Thursday, we talked briefly. I told him I wasn't going to be a petty bitch and go out of my way to make his life difficult. I told him he could still ride to work with me in the mornings, assuming he would be up and ready to go when I was ready to leave. I asked him if he'd decided what he was going to do as far as living conditions go. He wasn't sure at that point in time. I told him I knew his finances were shite, so not to worry about rushing. I told him if he decided he wanted to go back to MI in May, to let me know so I had a least a month's time to find a new place to live. I told him if he wanted to stay here for a few months until he could find someone to replace me or to be better off financially so he could get a place of his own, that it was fine by me.
Afterwards, we watched Gray's Anatomy in mostly silence. After the show I got up to go to the bathroom. He embraced me, declared his love for me, and carried me in his arms to his bed. I'd taken nyquil, so passed out rather quickly.
The time between then and now, Zach has been acting as if everything was okay. I told him I was going with the flow, when he questioned my distance. I explained that I did have a guard up. I can't down shift that quickly. He didn't understand why I felt the need to protect myself. He didn't understand that it had only been a few days and I couldn't hope whole heartedly back into this.
Yesterday was the last draw. I was upset with him because I wanted to go to open mic in South Jersey and was under the impression all day that we were going to go. In the last hour, Zach said he couldn't get out of work early enough. However at 7:02, he informed me his boss had left and he could now leave work. Earlier I'd said if we could leave by 7:00 it would be ample time. The last time we went to open mic together, we didn't leave to go until 7ish. Whatever.. It was very obvious that Zach just didn't want to go. That's fine...but he should have let me in on that bit of information earlier in the day, so I wouldn't have my hopes up about going.
At any rate, I picked him up from work and was in a very bitter mood. I'm entitled to that right? I can be disappointed/frustrated and it show, right? It doesn't mean it's a permanent mood, but for that moment in time it was my mood. He asked if I was going to be like that all night. I responded with "probably."
He was patronizingly over nice the entire night (until the bad parts). I kept to myself. I watched Gilmore Girls. I searched for music I wanted to buy on the internet. I had an IM conversation with Keeyahtay. Once while I was out to smoke, Zach felt the need to go through my IM conversation and my phone. When I got back inside, he confronted me "oh you feel the need to complain about me to Keeyahtay?" ...as if I did something wrong. Generally when people are frustrated, they rant to someone. It's not even as if I bad mouthed Zach. I simple stated my frustration and how I thought it was bs that Zach couldn't get out of work...but rather thought he just didn't want to go to open mic.
Zach was also mad because there were texts between me and this guy Dan, whom I used to date when Zach and I first met. The truth of the matter is that I've been too depressed the past week to really talk to anyone. Sure I have IM convos with people and I've texted Dan...I respond to people when they conversate with me. Even last night, I told Keeyahtay I was too blah or too frustrated to talk and ended the conversation. My texts to Dan reveal that "I'm not feeling very socialable." It's not as if I was jumping on every opportunity available to talk to people...but if someone sends me a message I'm going to respond...just as I responded, I also got out of the conversation just as quickly. Whatever...
I viewed Zach's MySpace profile this morning and he's finally taken me off his top whatever and set his status to single. I don't recall him being on the computer last night other than to get video game help. Which means he changed it to that before he left work yesterday. If that's the case, why put me through all the drama and fake niceties? Why not just come home and say "I'm done?" Instead he kept asking why I wanted to be with him. I finally told him he should ask himself that question. Wednesday when he said he was sure he didn't want this, I took it as that. I wasn't trying to get back with him....I was going with the flow of what he threw out at me. Whatever... I tried to end it with it being over, but let him know that if he was up in the mornings, he could still ride to work with me. But then I asked for my car key. That set him off. He didn't understand why I wanted my key back. Hello???...you're not going to be driving my car any more, but you're welcome to ride if you need to go some place I'm going. He was irate about it so finally I threw in the fuck it flag and told him to stay the hell out of my car. If he feels so threatened by me that he has to call the cops on me to "protect" himself, but can't later try to cancel that complaint with the court, the he obviously is still threatened by me. IF he's still that threatened by me or needs protection, then we shouldn't be in the same car, the same room even....
..he rode to work with me this morning, but I basically had to force him. Initially I told him that since he was up he should apologize and ask for a ride to work. He refused. Finally I told him that if he wanted a ride he should ask. Too much pride didn't allow him to do even that. In the end I was a bitch and told him to get up and get ready for work and ride with me...
This morning my cell rang and it was my landlord. I answered. She said "Zach just called me and said he was moving out. Are you moving out too?"
What a BLEEPBLEEPBLEEPBLEEP!!!!! After all the courtesy I showed him last Thursday, he turns around and makes a move without first telling me. ..not caring if I can afford to be out by the end of next month..he just did it. WTF??
This is the second time that Zach has truly called it quits with our relationship, because he was afraid he wouldn't have a fucking ride to work. ..I'm starting to get the picture. IF Zach had any out, he would have left me along time ago. My car is what was important to him. The stable living condition is what was important to him.
FUCK THAT! I deserve better.... I wasn't put on this planet to cater to Zach.
Funny thing is that even last night he was saying "Oh, you shouldn't feel the need to protect yourself. I talked to my Mom today and told her that if I had to, I would leave you 2 months' rent so I wouldn't be fucking you over. I'm not going to fuck you over!" Don't patronize me....what a pos.
At this point, I have no clue what his plans are. We aren't speaking apparently. I can't say I'm upset about that though.
I'm going to NC this weekend to hang out with an old co-worker. I'm trying not to stress about all this mess until after my trip. However, I am scared I won't be able to find an affordable place to live. I'm frustrated that I was getting to a point where I could feasibly buy a new car, but now that's not going to happen any time soon because of moving expenses and the soon to come higher cost of living (on my own). I'm frustrated about the money issue on so many levels...finally at that place where I could do the things that I've been putting on hold for so long like school. I dunno... I'm insanely stressed right now and unsure. Uncertainty is a killer...it gets the best of me.
I dunno...yay for a weekend out of here... All of this will be here when I get back...if I'm lucky, the exception will be Zach and his belongings...as long as he leaves a rent check. I'm tired. I've admitted my faults, none of which were relationship jeopardizing. He of all people (Mr. I take drastic measures when I feel threatened), should somehow be able to see my position and understand that it's only normal for me to be a bit distant at the moment. Whatever, I have nothing left to give....
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.