(no subject)
my mother frustrates me. she knows how to stir up the worst in me, and then point it out, and leave me to beat myself up over it for an hour. lucky for me, i've done this so many times and realized i had two options: slit my wrists, or conclude that just because she birthed me doesn't mean she has the owner's manual to my life. i admit that i have an extremely short temper. she always pulls the same line on me. i'll never be able to live with a man if i act like that. first, this sets me off into a feminist rampage of thinking "well fuck him if he doesn't like it! who needs a man!" and then i think about my dreamboat boyfriend crying because i scolded him, and then i worry that i'm just a fucking bitch. i hope that any guy i've dated has respected my feistiness. if i learned anything in life, it is that a guy likes to be put in his place. at least i don't take this knowledge and turn every guy into my little bitch, which is what most girls do. as i'm writing this, i've realized i don't give a shit anymore. i really don't! it reminds me of labor day weekend, when all the ladies were sitting around in southold. i was telling davorka (in front of my mom) that my mother drives me up the fucking wall, always yelling about something. davorka looked at me and said "but do you really care?" and i just laughed and said no. i do care, of course, but not REALLY. i'm not going to let my mom bring me down. she doesn't deserve the right to do that to me or anybody. i appreciate it, because it has made me who i am. that harsh approach has turned angy into a total sucker, and it has made me into a defiant asshole. i wouldn't have it any other way, and the people who know me best know that i love being an asshole. which brings another point, i really wish somebody told me they loved me when i was a kid. and i wish somebody told me i was beautiful. it is a big deal to this day when i hear those things, and i know that the lack of it in my childhood has really shaped my entire psyche.