my first day as a big working girl

[shewillshine]

i will probably like working when i get paid more than spare change for my time and efforts. i had this incredibly sad feeling during my lunch today. sitting all by myself, eating whatever crappy food i could find in the abyss of midtown. tomorrow i will pack my lunch and eat it in starbucks, because that is familiar to me. i was standing in the bathroom stall in my fancy shoes wishing they were converse. wishing my dress was a t-shirt and jeans. wanting to pull my hair back. i have a terrible time with change, and i started to cry a little bit. i sent a text message about how sad i was, but got no reply. when i am completely hopeless, i usually listen to somebody's songs, somebody who isn't so familiar to me anymore, but they still live on in my heart and those songs are always there for me. they help me stop being scared. they always put me back together, and they did the same today.

the rest of the afternoon was a little better. i got to design things. not much creativity to it, but at least i was working in indesign. the best part of it was using images of houses that i knew my dad and brother built. they belonged to me a little, so that was nice. there's a big project coming on in the company to come up with the concept and design of the holiday party. i would like to impress people from the get-go so that i can sort of be in charge of it. it seems like the most exciting thing i can do there.

wednesday i go to ceci, and i'm really looking forward to that. after a day of slowly realizing i love what i studied, it'll be nice to be in it.

10.01 is a bittersweet day. i just don't know what to do with myself.