(no subject)
it can probably be blamed on being the highly emotional time of the month for me, but i need someone. i haven't spoken to my mother in over a week, and i am sort of scared of calling her. she'll be too busy entertaining somebody else or we'll just run out of things to say to eachother and will not fill up the 21 available minutes that my $5 calling card allows. when she leaves, i usually know that i will get to this point of missing her, and tell myself i am an idiot because she makes me feel bad most of the time. i don't know why i do miss her now. maybe i'm just so lonely, and even if she isn't the best friend kind of a mom, she's just a mom and she does her job. i guess what makes me miss her most is that i am so obviously her daughter, so every weekend in southold i get reprimanded for being an old lady. i get reprimanded for being my mom. i always want some sort of order. i don't want the music blasting. i don't want to say fuck them, i'm gonna do what i want. i want to live my life and make sure everybody else is happy too. i want to bake a cake and make a pot of coffee and invite all my neighbors over. that is my mom and that makes me proud of her, because i don't know any other lady who is so generous. she's really an asshole most of the time, and she doesn't know how good she has it (ring a bell, stef?) but she gives as much as she can (that also rings a bell.)
i'm going to make my pasta now.
i'm going to make my pasta now.