(no subject)
every night, even if it is immediately after dropping ava off at her mommy's, i find myself missing her so much. i have this feeling about her that i really never feel anymore. i guess this might be the way people feel about their dog. not that ava is a dog, but she can't hate me. she is always there to love me. she might freak out and cry for no reason, but all i have to do is pick her up and sing to her and she'll smile and try to eat my face. i am so glad to see that she is such a happy baby. she smiles for 90% of her awake time, and it is a sight to see. that's it, tomorrow is my day off but i am going to spend a better portion of the day with her. hooray for being twenty three years old!
nothing can distract me from my 1am thoughts. not even babies. i am always going through something. i am always feeling abandoned. i am always feeling disappointed, disappointing. i keep agreeing to things i don't want to agree to. i don't know why. why do i do that? i guess it's better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself? is that really it? i know that i constantly complain about shit, but i need to figure this stuff out. i feel that the formula for that might be pretty simple, but i appear to be too lazy to do anything about it. i start to feel better when i visit familiar places that remind me of a better time, not particularly a physical place. i sat in a park by johnny's apartment on tuesday evening, reading a book and slightly people-watching. it felt nice to be alone, but not completely alone in the confines of my lonely home. i was in a nice park with children running around and the big blue sky above me with plenty of air for my hopeful little lungs to breathe. i met up with johnny, had zero words to say to him because i have turned into a black hole. i just listen to him speak and smile and nod. maybe that is not entirely me, maybe it is because he's the busiest person in the world and i am one of the last things he thinks about. it still upsets me, no matter what the reason is. my brother was my hero once upon a time. he still is, but i have fallen flat on my face.
i don't want to talk anymore.
nothing can distract me from my 1am thoughts. not even babies. i am always going through something. i am always feeling abandoned. i am always feeling disappointed, disappointing. i keep agreeing to things i don't want to agree to. i don't know why. why do i do that? i guess it's better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself? is that really it? i know that i constantly complain about shit, but i need to figure this stuff out. i feel that the formula for that might be pretty simple, but i appear to be too lazy to do anything about it. i start to feel better when i visit familiar places that remind me of a better time, not particularly a physical place. i sat in a park by johnny's apartment on tuesday evening, reading a book and slightly people-watching. it felt nice to be alone, but not completely alone in the confines of my lonely home. i was in a nice park with children running around and the big blue sky above me with plenty of air for my hopeful little lungs to breathe. i met up with johnny, had zero words to say to him because i have turned into a black hole. i just listen to him speak and smile and nod. maybe that is not entirely me, maybe it is because he's the busiest person in the world and i am one of the last things he thinks about. it still upsets me, no matter what the reason is. my brother was my hero once upon a time. he still is, but i have fallen flat on my face.
i don't want to talk anymore.