Being Wobbly
So, I'm a little like Lorelai Gilmore when it comes to romance. When I get a hold of something good in my hands - not just hot and yummy but "oh my god i can't believe it's real butter" kinda somethin - I have this knee jerk reaction that is kind of anti-climactic. In layman's terms, I bow out. I know that makes me a cop out, especially when I write those goddamn blogs about how much I dont want to die alone, but when I'm with someone...I dont know, it's like I'd rather be alone. The things that I used to look for in relationships - security, warmth, affection - I can find those elsewhere in my friends and family. So what else is left? A bed mate? I'm over that phase where you think sex is some cataclysmic event for the likes of edward and bella. Sex is sex. My body is trying to trick me into thinking its mating season or something and while it's fun, god it creates a lot of problems.
I should have just left well enough alone. I should stick to myself and these characters that become closer to 3D everyday. On that note, an update on the writing front.
June 14th I'm submitting my first chapter for editing and critique to the Magic City Writer's club. This is a BIG DEAL for me because I haven't had anybody look at my fiction since like high school and I've been working like mad to bring it up to scraps. I'm pretty sure I'm submitting the first chapter of my sci fi/ space/ time travel story (I say I'm pretty sure because I wasnt sure if I wanted to submit from that story or from another story). The only working title I have for it is going to be the title of the series which is TIME. I'm terrible with titles, so this is going to be hard. I guess I could try titles that deal with the movement of the series (characters, themes, plot, etc). So since the first book deals with time travel it could be called "Traveling", the second book is going to be dealing with character's pasts so it could be called "Origins" and the third is going to be pretty fucking cataclysmic, the end of the series, so I have no idea what I should call that one without giving away the ending. It'll probably come to me eventually. At least I hope.
On the music front of things, me and Sam recorded a song for The Cancers with me singing the vocals. I really like the song, it's called "My Monocle" and it talks about how being a girl sometimes feels like being defective because you're not supposed to do the things that guys do. Sam is a great song writer, very dedicated, but I worry about the other guys in the band because they slack off a lot. I also worry about me singing on stage - looking like a dumbass cuz i cant play the guitar and sing at the same time. They have enough guitar players in the band. Better learn the keyboard or something, otherwise it's the tambourine... Though truthfully I might not get to sing at all. It's hard to find the right people and the right time to join a band. I feel like this is the right time, almost too late sometimes, but I don't know if they are the right people or not. They are great, but are we great together? That's the question. And that brings me full circle.
He is great, but he's become too dependant on me. I feel like a mother instead of partner or a friend. I hate that feeling. I dont like smoochies and I dont like cuddling in public, I'm not that type of girl to listen to you breathe on the phone, and I never was. Be yourself, be strong. Maybe that's what scares me about him - he wants to fall into some great relationship that will solve all his problems. I've learned better than to do that. But he isn't going to listen to me if I just say that. It's one of those things you have to find out on your own. Oh dammnit, this is not going to be pretty. I hope I don't hurt him.
Dreams are returning like boats to the harbor, sleep comes easier too. I'm glad I don't live alone and I guess the next thing to deal with will be telling my mother that I don't want to move back in with her :( but that's next months trial. As for now, peace out - dont smoke so much you kill brain cells, and dont tell idiots your dreams - cuz they won't see what you see.
I should have just left well enough alone. I should stick to myself and these characters that become closer to 3D everyday. On that note, an update on the writing front.
June 14th I'm submitting my first chapter for editing and critique to the Magic City Writer's club. This is a BIG DEAL for me because I haven't had anybody look at my fiction since like high school and I've been working like mad to bring it up to scraps. I'm pretty sure I'm submitting the first chapter of my sci fi/ space/ time travel story (I say I'm pretty sure because I wasnt sure if I wanted to submit from that story or from another story). The only working title I have for it is going to be the title of the series which is TIME. I'm terrible with titles, so this is going to be hard. I guess I could try titles that deal with the movement of the series (characters, themes, plot, etc). So since the first book deals with time travel it could be called "Traveling", the second book is going to be dealing with character's pasts so it could be called "Origins" and the third is going to be pretty fucking cataclysmic, the end of the series, so I have no idea what I should call that one without giving away the ending. It'll probably come to me eventually. At least I hope.
On the music front of things, me and Sam recorded a song for The Cancers with me singing the vocals. I really like the song, it's called "My Monocle" and it talks about how being a girl sometimes feels like being defective because you're not supposed to do the things that guys do. Sam is a great song writer, very dedicated, but I worry about the other guys in the band because they slack off a lot. I also worry about me singing on stage - looking like a dumbass cuz i cant play the guitar and sing at the same time. They have enough guitar players in the band. Better learn the keyboard or something, otherwise it's the tambourine... Though truthfully I might not get to sing at all. It's hard to find the right people and the right time to join a band. I feel like this is the right time, almost too late sometimes, but I don't know if they are the right people or not. They are great, but are we great together? That's the question. And that brings me full circle.
He is great, but he's become too dependant on me. I feel like a mother instead of partner or a friend. I hate that feeling. I dont like smoochies and I dont like cuddling in public, I'm not that type of girl to listen to you breathe on the phone, and I never was. Be yourself, be strong. Maybe that's what scares me about him - he wants to fall into some great relationship that will solve all his problems. I've learned better than to do that. But he isn't going to listen to me if I just say that. It's one of those things you have to find out on your own. Oh dammnit, this is not going to be pretty. I hope I don't hurt him.
Dreams are returning like boats to the harbor, sleep comes easier too. I'm glad I don't live alone and I guess the next thing to deal with will be telling my mother that I don't want to move back in with her :( but that's next months trial. As for now, peace out - dont smoke so much you kill brain cells, and dont tell idiots your dreams - cuz they won't see what you see.