Damn me and my inner thoughts to hell!
I hate it that when I update this journal I never have anything positive to say. But I suppose very few people actually write when they are happy. Writing is a release, be it of mania, sadness, depression, anger. Most people don’t want to release happiness, they want to hold on to it, seeing as it is rather rare these days.
So it is with me, happiness is like this elusive plant I am finding, in a jungle over grown with vines, weeds, and trees so large they obscure the sunlight from above. I have indulged myself for almost 2-3 weeks now. No gym, eating shitty, bad junk food. Still managed to lose 3 lbs though. -Sigh- I know I should be going back, I should really be trying to lose weight and better myself, but I just have no desire. I keep wondering, what is the point? If I suddenly get skinny and fit, and I attract a man or woman do I really want that person? Or am I hoping that someone will come along and find me attractive the way I am, and just encourage me to do what I want for me? Sure it would be nice to rub it in Charlie’s face, that now I look good, and where are you with your life? I mean the last time we talked, he seemed to be doing okay, which I am glad for him, but for fucks sake, couldn’t he have said he missed me? He could have even said, ‘I miss my best friend…’ He didn’t have to mean romantically…..because I miss him. I find he enters my thoughts even more lately, and I don’t know if it’s because I am so lonely, or what is going on.
I keep wanting to think we could have made it work, had we been living somewhere else, had I have changed a little, he a little, I keep trying to convince myself. I believe I am doing this out of sheer loneliness and nothing else. If I had someone else, or had gotten someone else right after him I’d be over him, having found someone new. But I don’t want to be in that perpetual cycle of one person after another after another. My inner self keeps saying, “It may be lonely, but its better to be alone…” I don’t have to constantly share my space or my things, I don’t have anyone nagging me, I don’t have to worry constantly about where the other person is, what they might be doing, or those other thoughts. Best of all, I don’t have to feel that incredible stabbing pain like someone gut checked me when they walk away, or it doesn’t work out. But I’ll admit, I miss cuddling up with someone in bed watching tv shows, I miss having someone to talk to right before bed, and I miss waking up encircled in someone’s arms, or receiving a kiss before they go off to work or out for the day.
I told him I missed him the last time we talked, and we haven’t talked since…okay I’m a pathetic liar, I signed on skype and msged him, and at the same time I msged him, he messaged me, it was actually pretty cool. Now we’re talking, and I always feel like I have to be careful with what I say to him, because things are so….tentative. I really want to be his friend, and see where his life is going….I’d like to see if he ever does change into the person I think he could be….but that could be dangerous. With my previous ex, Billy, he was the perfect person but he didn’t want to commit, or at least not to me. He breaks up with me, meets someone new and marries them….I don’t know if I could live through seeing Charlie marry someone else, especially after he talked about marrying me. It would be extremely hard for me to be around him with those kind of circumstances.
Maybe all this was brought on by looking up my previous ex Billy on face book. I saw his photos, and the photos his wife posted, and the fact that he was deployed to Japan, and he told me that that was one of the reasons he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, because of that but I guess with his current wife it wasn’t a concern…I don’t know.
I don’t know what is wrong with me! What would I even do if I saw Charlie again? Trip over my own tongue? Gag on it? What? Would I be overcome with the urge to fuck him? Wtf would I do, so why am I pushing at this so hard, it is some unconscious need to find out if he ever did or still does care for me in any way?….I annoy the piss out of myself, am I a glutton for punishment, is that what I’m asking for?
Gah. Okay in other news I colored my hair again today, back to bright red again, and I got many birthday presents early. A BJD (ball jointed doll, dolls that usually for for 200.00 for just the bodies, not the heads, hair, eyes, or clothes), an Ipod Touch 4th generation 32 gig, a new game for my D.S, and a few other small things. Christmas and my birthday came early for me this year. I don’t expect much on the actual day of my b.d. or xmas but yeah, I’ll have plenty to entertain me, the ipod is just like an iphone basically, I have skype and yahoo, so it’s like a free phone as long as where I am at has internet. I am thinking of just putting $25 on my phone just for emergency calls and such, only use it when I have to kind of thing, until I get a regular job.
Speaking of, jobs are harder than ever to come by, no matter which agency I am with, no matter which schools are hiring (none in my area)…it seems I am doomed to live without employment. Okay enough of my bitching and moaning for now….still talking with Charlie…and we’ve agreed to be friends…but I would like to ask him some more personal questions but I guess I can’t.
So it is with me, happiness is like this elusive plant I am finding, in a jungle over grown with vines, weeds, and trees so large they obscure the sunlight from above. I have indulged myself for almost 2-3 weeks now. No gym, eating shitty, bad junk food. Still managed to lose 3 lbs though. -Sigh- I know I should be going back, I should really be trying to lose weight and better myself, but I just have no desire. I keep wondering, what is the point? If I suddenly get skinny and fit, and I attract a man or woman do I really want that person? Or am I hoping that someone will come along and find me attractive the way I am, and just encourage me to do what I want for me? Sure it would be nice to rub it in Charlie’s face, that now I look good, and where are you with your life? I mean the last time we talked, he seemed to be doing okay, which I am glad for him, but for fucks sake, couldn’t he have said he missed me? He could have even said, ‘I miss my best friend…’ He didn’t have to mean romantically…..because I miss him. I find he enters my thoughts even more lately, and I don’t know if it’s because I am so lonely, or what is going on.
I keep wanting to think we could have made it work, had we been living somewhere else, had I have changed a little, he a little, I keep trying to convince myself. I believe I am doing this out of sheer loneliness and nothing else. If I had someone else, or had gotten someone else right after him I’d be over him, having found someone new. But I don’t want to be in that perpetual cycle of one person after another after another. My inner self keeps saying, “It may be lonely, but its better to be alone…” I don’t have to constantly share my space or my things, I don’t have anyone nagging me, I don’t have to worry constantly about where the other person is, what they might be doing, or those other thoughts. Best of all, I don’t have to feel that incredible stabbing pain like someone gut checked me when they walk away, or it doesn’t work out. But I’ll admit, I miss cuddling up with someone in bed watching tv shows, I miss having someone to talk to right before bed, and I miss waking up encircled in someone’s arms, or receiving a kiss before they go off to work or out for the day.
I told him I missed him the last time we talked, and we haven’t talked since…okay I’m a pathetic liar, I signed on skype and msged him, and at the same time I msged him, he messaged me, it was actually pretty cool. Now we’re talking, and I always feel like I have to be careful with what I say to him, because things are so….tentative. I really want to be his friend, and see where his life is going….I’d like to see if he ever does change into the person I think he could be….but that could be dangerous. With my previous ex, Billy, he was the perfect person but he didn’t want to commit, or at least not to me. He breaks up with me, meets someone new and marries them….I don’t know if I could live through seeing Charlie marry someone else, especially after he talked about marrying me. It would be extremely hard for me to be around him with those kind of circumstances.
Maybe all this was brought on by looking up my previous ex Billy on face book. I saw his photos, and the photos his wife posted, and the fact that he was deployed to Japan, and he told me that that was one of the reasons he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, because of that but I guess with his current wife it wasn’t a concern…I don’t know.
I don’t know what is wrong with me! What would I even do if I saw Charlie again? Trip over my own tongue? Gag on it? What? Would I be overcome with the urge to fuck him? Wtf would I do, so why am I pushing at this so hard, it is some unconscious need to find out if he ever did or still does care for me in any way?….I annoy the piss out of myself, am I a glutton for punishment, is that what I’m asking for?
Gah. Okay in other news I colored my hair again today, back to bright red again, and I got many birthday presents early. A BJD (ball jointed doll, dolls that usually for for 200.00 for just the bodies, not the heads, hair, eyes, or clothes), an Ipod Touch 4th generation 32 gig, a new game for my D.S, and a few other small things. Christmas and my birthday came early for me this year. I don’t expect much on the actual day of my b.d. or xmas but yeah, I’ll have plenty to entertain me, the ipod is just like an iphone basically, I have skype and yahoo, so it’s like a free phone as long as where I am at has internet. I am thinking of just putting $25 on my phone just for emergency calls and such, only use it when I have to kind of thing, until I get a regular job.
Speaking of, jobs are harder than ever to come by, no matter which agency I am with, no matter which schools are hiring (none in my area)…it seems I am doomed to live without employment. Okay enough of my bitching and moaning for now….still talking with Charlie…and we’ve agreed to be friends…but I would like to ask him some more personal questions but I guess I can’t.