Ok a more regular update
Down with the holidays I say. My birthday seemed to be the only holiday I enjoyed in the merry month of December. I managed to get a lot of items I had wanted. Between new sets of headphones (I am rather hard and like backups), a new mp3 player Sansa Fuze with extra external memory, and lots of crystals and gemstones. I chose to stay in this year and just enjoy some down time. Christmas was yet another depressing event this year. I managed to get Charlie (Current romantic interest..) a lot of things he needed for paranormal investigations, including a DVR (digital voice recorder), digital camera, light with batteries, tons of amethyst, and I would have gotten him some sage wands had I had any on hand. We spent Christmas by ourselves…(Grandma is up north…her own mother died a day or two before Christmas. The funeral JUST now happened..and I know she is grieving, I wish I could be there to comfort her.) We cooked a roast with potatoes and carrots. We had cherry pies for dessert and then relaxed after playing Wii.
I bought Just Dance 2 for the Wii and have been working out each day with it, along with taking some diet pills and some Acai dietary supplements. I hope to definitely have more luck losing weight. With the Wii just dance, walking the dogs, watching my diet and taking the pills….I don’t know what I hope for…other than I wish to be able to fit into clothes I think are more my age. Being twenty five, I want to be able to be…to be cute. I really want to be in a piece of lingerie and feel..pretty instead of seeing all my flaws. I did end up buying a corset, with beautiful pale blue, and ebony silk. It fits perfectly with a black skirt and knee high pvc boots. When I wear them I am easily 6’5. I love the way they look and feel.
I feel almost surreal lately. As if I am not Really here..New Years Eve flew down and away from me. I barely remained awake and the only thing I truly enjoyed was talking to an old friend of mine..whom I love dearly. Maybe..too dearly. He understands every part of me. He is always positive with me. We are tangled endearingly towards each other. We say we love each other and with him I mean it. He accepts everything about me, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. He is a listener, and while he can be goofy like Charlie, he seems more serious, more like me. I wonder what I am going to do..Charlie is a great guy. He is six years older…ready to settle down..says he loves me, every part of me. But he is not stable. In the year we have dated…he has not held down a job long term or shown me he can provide a stable life for me long term. Jeffrey, my childhood friend is wonderful…but he is also in New Mexico..there is no telling when we could be together…or what he has planned for his own future. Both cases there are issues of instability. I am tired of instability. With Billy it all seemed so…stable. He went to work every day at 4am, came home at 6pm, I cooked, cleaned, I did my own work. We had a home, a yard, the dogs. We had food, meals, time together in the evening. We did not oversee each other. It seemed like I could see spending the rest of my life with him. He had stability and a lot of the personality, romance, kinkiness…he had it all. I guess I am not as over him as I thought. I still dream of him…I still have the cologne that I bought that smells like him…and I still can’t stop from smelling it occasionally. I don’t cry over him anymore..but the empty place in my heart still remains. He was the first man I loved after my first, Chris. He was the first man that showed me stability, intellect, romance, common interests. Now Chris is still my friend, aggravating as he is. Billy went and got married less than a year after dumping me…and Charlie came swooping into my life a year ago. I know I love Charlie..he understands a lot of what I go through, he makes me laugh during sex (Weird but intensely satisfying), but he is juvenile and he has a bad past of…not being faithful. Ok that’s not the best way to put it. He has not been in a long term relationship but a few times….and I do get irritated that he doesn’t understand me..but how can I when I keep him at arm’s length because of what Billy did. I don’t have that hesitation with Jeffrey but again….its an iffy dilemma of stability. I guess my life is doomed to be instable.
I have enough of my own drama but I also have my sister’s drama to deal with, trying to keep her calm. Working to try to be supportive of Grandma and many others…
Even gummi bears only stretch so far…..
I bought Just Dance 2 for the Wii and have been working out each day with it, along with taking some diet pills and some Acai dietary supplements. I hope to definitely have more luck losing weight. With the Wii just dance, walking the dogs, watching my diet and taking the pills….I don’t know what I hope for…other than I wish to be able to fit into clothes I think are more my age. Being twenty five, I want to be able to be…to be cute. I really want to be in a piece of lingerie and feel..pretty instead of seeing all my flaws. I did end up buying a corset, with beautiful pale blue, and ebony silk. It fits perfectly with a black skirt and knee high pvc boots. When I wear them I am easily 6’5. I love the way they look and feel.
I feel almost surreal lately. As if I am not Really here..New Years Eve flew down and away from me. I barely remained awake and the only thing I truly enjoyed was talking to an old friend of mine..whom I love dearly. Maybe..too dearly. He understands every part of me. He is always positive with me. We are tangled endearingly towards each other. We say we love each other and with him I mean it. He accepts everything about me, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. He is a listener, and while he can be goofy like Charlie, he seems more serious, more like me. I wonder what I am going to do..Charlie is a great guy. He is six years older…ready to settle down..says he loves me, every part of me. But he is not stable. In the year we have dated…he has not held down a job long term or shown me he can provide a stable life for me long term. Jeffrey, my childhood friend is wonderful…but he is also in New Mexico..there is no telling when we could be together…or what he has planned for his own future. Both cases there are issues of instability. I am tired of instability. With Billy it all seemed so…stable. He went to work every day at 4am, came home at 6pm, I cooked, cleaned, I did my own work. We had a home, a yard, the dogs. We had food, meals, time together in the evening. We did not oversee each other. It seemed like I could see spending the rest of my life with him. He had stability and a lot of the personality, romance, kinkiness…he had it all. I guess I am not as over him as I thought. I still dream of him…I still have the cologne that I bought that smells like him…and I still can’t stop from smelling it occasionally. I don’t cry over him anymore..but the empty place in my heart still remains. He was the first man I loved after my first, Chris. He was the first man that showed me stability, intellect, romance, common interests. Now Chris is still my friend, aggravating as he is. Billy went and got married less than a year after dumping me…and Charlie came swooping into my life a year ago. I know I love Charlie..he understands a lot of what I go through, he makes me laugh during sex (Weird but intensely satisfying), but he is juvenile and he has a bad past of…not being faithful. Ok that’s not the best way to put it. He has not been in a long term relationship but a few times….and I do get irritated that he doesn’t understand me..but how can I when I keep him at arm’s length because of what Billy did. I don’t have that hesitation with Jeffrey but again….its an iffy dilemma of stability. I guess my life is doomed to be instable.
I have enough of my own drama but I also have my sister’s drama to deal with, trying to keep her calm. Working to try to be supportive of Grandma and many others…
Even gummi bears only stretch so far…..