(no subject)
So it seems, in Febuary I will be moving back to Gma's to figure out my life. Nothing is wrong with me and the cowboy, but his schedule changes so he will be working nights. He said and I quote, "There's no point to you being here". Yes the comment hurt..more than I would like to admit. He has never given me a full explained reason for wanting me to leave but I am not pressing either, not willing to press the issue until I am hurt. He still wants me to come for weekends and on his days off..Ha. The arrangement seems messed up especially after on Xmas he said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. I don't know. The best I can say on that front is I will try it and see how it goes. *shrugs* Men are utterly confusing creatures.
All I know for certain is if I get my heart broken again, I cannot promise my sanity will survive it this time, it was shaky to begin with and I just..cannot imagine doing this again, and again and again.
Update:
On Wednesday I will be going back, in the evening when he leaves for work. *Sigh* Apparently he talked to a mutual friend and they told me its more about protection than anything..protection for me? I am not so sure I understand how he can see me as so fragile and vulnerable..when I do everything to combat that idea. *Shrugs* But whatever, I am going to have to enter the real world again, filled with work and gym time to bring back some level of sanity.
On to bigger brighter things..(ha ha) I went to the health department (Because since I have graduated college I am uninsured..Grr) and it was horrible. There were many many small children screaming...and when I was already frazzled and feeling a little pressured it almost sent me over the edge. In addition the people there are such bitches! I mean really I know its the health department but how bad can your job be. The first day I went I was financially screened for services..took all of five minutes, after a 30 min drive. -.- I was unhappy. Then they tell me, I have to come back the next day at 7AM, and hopefully beat out the other people, because they are not taking appointments its first come first serve. WTF?? So the next day I show up at 6AM, hoping no one is there. No one was thank god, but now I am sitting in my car, by the bus depot, in the dark in the bad part of town. Oh yus, my morning was friking excellent.
All of this for birth control mind you..the things I do for sex.
Then I have to wait from 6AM-8:45AM to see the nurse. Well...needless to say the woman was on the rough side of things..my chest was bruised because the cowboy had been getting a hold of me lately, and of course she freaked out, and kept asking me if I was in an abusive relationship. She said, "Well if it were me, I wouldn't let somebody to that to me.." and at this point Crystal lost the ability to be pleasant, sitting there in a paper halter top and a paper sheet, with my legs in metal stirrups...so I said.."Well I guess its a good thing for me you aren't me, because I like pain and its consensual and safe. Now can we get on with this?" Bad thing to say BEFORE someone examines you down there. -.- Stupid Crystal. She wanted to swab my cervix, but the entire time she is complaining that its a small cervix...are you kidding me?! Ok...should I apologize for genetics making my cervix a difficult size for you?
Ugh.
Then I go back and wait another ten minutes for my birth control pills. Needless to say I ran out of there as quickly as possible. It was an unpleasant experience.
Made a little money yesterday..although I was supposed to have a date with the cowboy..it didn't pan out. So we bought takeout and came home to eat. Tonight is our re-schedule but I don't know if it will pan out. I think I am gonna go down into Gulf Breeze, put gas in the car, and check in, make a deposit at the bank and come back, stop at the cottage for a little bit and see how things go. I don't know, I might not go to the cottage...eh I am so undecided. Grr.
Anyway, must go drive now. Ta ta.
All I know for certain is if I get my heart broken again, I cannot promise my sanity will survive it this time, it was shaky to begin with and I just..cannot imagine doing this again, and again and again.
Update:
On Wednesday I will be going back, in the evening when he leaves for work. *Sigh* Apparently he talked to a mutual friend and they told me its more about protection than anything..protection for me? I am not so sure I understand how he can see me as so fragile and vulnerable..when I do everything to combat that idea. *Shrugs* But whatever, I am going to have to enter the real world again, filled with work and gym time to bring back some level of sanity.
On to bigger brighter things..(ha ha) I went to the health department (Because since I have graduated college I am uninsured..Grr) and it was horrible. There were many many small children screaming...and when I was already frazzled and feeling a little pressured it almost sent me over the edge. In addition the people there are such bitches! I mean really I know its the health department but how bad can your job be. The first day I went I was financially screened for services..took all of five minutes, after a 30 min drive. -.- I was unhappy. Then they tell me, I have to come back the next day at 7AM, and hopefully beat out the other people, because they are not taking appointments its first come first serve. WTF?? So the next day I show up at 6AM, hoping no one is there. No one was thank god, but now I am sitting in my car, by the bus depot, in the dark in the bad part of town. Oh yus, my morning was friking excellent.
All of this for birth control mind you..the things I do for sex.
Then I have to wait from 6AM-8:45AM to see the nurse. Well...needless to say the woman was on the rough side of things..my chest was bruised because the cowboy had been getting a hold of me lately, and of course she freaked out, and kept asking me if I was in an abusive relationship. She said, "Well if it were me, I wouldn't let somebody to that to me.." and at this point Crystal lost the ability to be pleasant, sitting there in a paper halter top and a paper sheet, with my legs in metal stirrups...so I said.."Well I guess its a good thing for me you aren't me, because I like pain and its consensual and safe. Now can we get on with this?" Bad thing to say BEFORE someone examines you down there. -.- Stupid Crystal. She wanted to swab my cervix, but the entire time she is complaining that its a small cervix...are you kidding me?! Ok...should I apologize for genetics making my cervix a difficult size for you?
Ugh.
Then I go back and wait another ten minutes for my birth control pills. Needless to say I ran out of there as quickly as possible. It was an unpleasant experience.
Made a little money yesterday..although I was supposed to have a date with the cowboy..it didn't pan out. So we bought takeout and came home to eat. Tonight is our re-schedule but I don't know if it will pan out. I think I am gonna go down into Gulf Breeze, put gas in the car, and check in, make a deposit at the bank and come back, stop at the cottage for a little bit and see how things go. I don't know, I might not go to the cottage...eh I am so undecided. Grr.
Anyway, must go drive now. Ta ta.