Fic: California Dreaming (Bend It Like Beckham, Jess/Jules) PG

[shetiger]

Title: California Dreaming
Fandom: Bend It Like Beckham
Pairing: Jess/Jules
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes the hardest part of growing up is figuring out what you want.

Notes: This was written for paceus in the 2006 Yuletide exchange. Thank you to chopchica, rivier, and kageygirl for their betawork.



Dear Joe,

How are you? The flight was fine--long, but fine. Jules and I slept through most of it, but the rest of the time we kept ourselves entertained talking about your plans for the Harriers. She wants me to tell you that you had better keep the team competitive, or else you won't have a chance at signing either one of us when we turn pro.

I want you to know I really enjoyed the time we spent together. Sorry I talked your ear off so much, but it really helped to have someone who listens. You always help so much. I mean that.

Jules is ready now, so I have to run. We're headed back up to San Francisco for a girls' weekend. We spent a whole school year so close and the most we ever saw of it was the airport!

More later.

The wheels clacked rhythmically over the rails as the sights of the valley slipped by as fast as they appeared--but the light never flickered against their window. The summer sun never flickered in California, not as far as Jules could tell, anyway. Always vibrant, hardly ever a cloud to mar the yellow-blue brightness that was the sky above Santa Clara.

Jess was a lot like the California sun that way. She always had a bit of a glow to her, a real spirit that almost never dimmed. It took a real emotional storm to make that glow disappear--which was why Jules was worried now. Jess was acting normal on the surface, but there was something missing underneath.

"Did you and Joe have a fight?" she asked at last.

"When would we have had time to fight? I haven't even had a chance to call him since we flew out." Jess sounded like she thought Jules had gone half-mad. "Pinky'd better let him know we made it, like she said she would."

"It's not like he wouldn't have heard about it if we crashed or something."

Jess rolled her eyes, then went back to staring out the window. She had the seat closest to it, so she could sit with her face pressed against the glass. The air vent picked at her loose hair, fluffing out the bits at her temples like she was some model on a fancy shoot.

Jules sighed and resettled the strap of her overnight bag across her knee. "So what's up, then? You've been carrying on since we got off the plane. Homesick already?"

Jess shook her head. "Nah, that's not it at all. I'm just jet-lagged, I guess."

"Don't give me that, Jess. Jet-lag isn't why you were sighing all over that letter you were writing this morning."

Jess finally turned her back on the window, tucking her left foot up on the seat so she could face Jules fully. Jules leaned closer to her, her cheek pressed tight into the warm upholstery of the seat. This close she could smell Jess: cinnamon and curry and other spices, kitchen smells and sporty deodorant underneath. Jules took a deep breath, wondering when Jess's smell had come to smell like home.

"Are you still hung up on Joe?" Jess blurted out.

Jules sat up straight. "What? No! Why would you think that?"

Jess shrugged. "It's just that you get this look on your face every time I talk about him."

"Oh." Jules felt the blood heating her cheeks. "No, not really. I mean, I still like him and everything, but not like that."

"You sure? Because that's what you said last time, and I don't want you blowing up at me again."

"Yes, I'm sure!" A shaft of that ever-present sun caught Jules in the eyes, dazzling her for a few seconds. When she could see again, Jess was staring back at her with a furrow in her brow, her face all scrunched up in that way that always made Jules think of pain. Jules bit her lip, considering, and then just went for it. "I'm worried, okay? I'm afraid you're going to get all caught up in him, get married and have kids and you won't want any of this anymore."

Jess snorted. "Are you bloody mad? I'm not Pinky, you know."

"Yeah, I know."

"So why are you talking crazy, then? Spent too much with your mum?"

"Yeah, because I listen to her so much." Jules poked Jess in the shoulder. "I guess it's just that you're always talking about him. Joe this, Joe that, Joe blah, blah, blah."

"I am not!"

"Are, too!"

They grinned at their silliness for a few seconds, then Jess sighed and thumped her head back against the window. "I don't mean to. He's just been really good to me. Helps me see things differently."

"Yeah. And he's your man." Jules ducked her head, tugging at the strap on her knee again. "I'm just a jealous cow, I guess."

Jess shoved her shoulder. Hard. "Stop it. I get it, okay?"

"Okay. Forget I said anything."

Jess reached over, stilled Jules hand. Laced their fingers together in a comforting grip. The bangle on her wrist pressed into Jules forearm, warmer than Jules'd expected. Like skin, not metal. Jess had explained some of what it meant a few months ago, the bracelet and other things, but Jules still didn't get it all. She loved learning about Jess's culture, but it was different in so many ways from what Jules knew, and it was hard to tell what was really important to Jess, and what she was ready to leave back in England for good.

She figured that was because Jess herself wasn't sure.

"Joe's not going to get between us," Jess said quietly. She squeezed Jules' hand, and Jules squeezed back. "I promise."

"Thanks." Jules smiled, bittersweet. The words were good to hear, even if she had a feeling they weren't true. Not forever, anyway, even if Jess meant them that way. She squeezed Jess's hand one more time, then let go. "We should be there soon."

Jess untucked her foot and turned back the right way in her seat. The hills of San Francisco had taken over outside, so many interesting sights that Jules' brain couldn't take in what her eyes were seeing. The train slowed. The people around them surged out of their seats in a confused bustle as they came into their stop.

"Joe wants me to get a picture of the Golden Gate," Jess said with a sly little smile. Teasing her.

Jules smiled back, even though it felt like she was lifting lead weights with her lips. "Well then, we'll have to go take a picture." She stood up, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "Come on, I'm starving!"

I'm really tired right now, but I thought I'd write a few lines while Jules is hogging the bathroom. We had a great time this afternoon. The city is gorgeous, more than I thought it would be. We went on the cable cars over and over again. They're kind of scary going down the huge hills--which means you'd love them, of course.

I've been thinking more about what we talked about. Actually, it's all that's been on my mind. Honestly, Joe, I don't know what to think. I have so many dreams, and I've had so many dreams come true I feel like I don't dare ask for anything more. My family-- Well, you know my family. And I don't want to hurt them for the world.

Jules is finally out, so I'm going to leave off for the night. We're supposed to go see the Golden Gate Bridge tomorrow. Don't worry, I won't forget your pictures!

The California sun, it turned out, was not as impervious to the weather as Jules'd thought. Not in San Francisco, anyway. Jules had thought they weren't going to get to see anything at all because of the fog, but it finally burned off, leaving a perfect day for exploring.

Joe was stuck with a postcard of the bridge, though.

"I got the jasmine," Jess said as she slid a tray onto the table. A steaming pot of tea sat in the middle, two small Japanese cups on one side and a bowl of biscuits on the other. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, fine." Jules curled her toes, working out the tension in her feet before she pulled them out of Jess's chair. She could work out all day and never notice any aches, but give her an hour of wandering about and they'd be as tired as anything. A legacy of shopping with her mother, she supposed.

"It's really beautiful here," Jess said as she started pouring the tea.

"Mmm, yeah." It really was. They'd found a table next to the rail of the open-air teahouse, where they could simply look down into the small pond next to them and see the koi and the gently waving fronds of the plants next to the rocks. Great pines and cedars overarched the banks where the pond turned into a gently trickling stream, and she could smell their sweet resin whenever a breeze rustled through the branches.

A rather romantic spot, when it came down to it.

Jules snagged a fortune cookie out of the bowl, trying to distract the irrational blush that wanted to rise up in her. "What do you think it says?" she asked, tearing off the crinkly plastic. "I'll say, You will have great success in all your future endeavors."

"You're really going out on a limb with that one." Jess smiled as she chose a different kind of biscuit, something ringed with sesame seeds.

"Well, go on. You guess if you're so psychic, then."

Jess wrinkled her nose, eyes squinting as she stared off into the distance. Like she was reading the future in the bark of the old trees. "You will find what you are looking for where you least expect it. Yeah?'

"Good one." Jules cracked the biscuit in half and pulled the slip of paper free.

"Well?"

"It says..." Jules paused, clearing her throat theatrically. "Kung pao chicken, half off Tuesdays only."

"What? You're kidding!" Jess snatched the paper out of her hand, and Jules let her laugh loose. Jess made a disgusted noise, but then she started giggling, too. "You really are mad. I'm convinced of it, now."

Jules stuck out her tongue. "Only as much as you are."

Their giggles slowly ebbed away, leaving them sipping at their flowery tea. Jules broke off a bit of the meringue biscuit, letting it melt away on her tongue as she looked around her. Everything was quiet and calm in the garden, even with all the tourists sitting about. Everywhere she looked, there was something beautiful to see. Flowers and rocks and little artful waterfalls, perfectly groomed but perfectly natural, too. Even when she looked upwards, at the joins of the thick black beams of the teahouse, she spotted carvings on the wood.

None of it compared to Jess, though. She was wearing a deep maroon hoodie that looked really good on her, setting off her the glossy blackness of her hair and the skin of her throat.

Jules tore her eyes away when she realized she was staring at Jess's lips. She focused on the depths of her teacup, trying to calm the panic thudding through her chest.

"Something wrong?"

"Nah. Just getting sleepy sitting here, that's all." Jules slugged back the rest of her tea, trying to cover.

"I'm really glad we decided to do this," Jess said. "Take time for the two of us, you know. Before things get crazy again."

Jess's words didn't help settle Jules any. Her stomach tried to flip over, in a way she hadn't felt since she first got stupid about Joe. Jules licked her lips, chasing away the dryness left by the tea.

"Jess," she started, and then stopped as she realized she had no clue what to say.

"Yeah?"

"Come on," she said, shoving at the rungs of Jess's chair with her foot. "We've still got a whole city to see."

"I haven't even finished my tea!"

"You can have tea anytime." Jules stood, slipping her fortune into her jacket pocket. Dreams are as the dreamer does, it said. Vague and silly, but she liked it anyway. "We have less than thirty-six hours of freedom left, Jess!"

"Okay, okay," Jess grumbled. She downed her last drops, then stood up. "But we have to go to the souvenir shop, first. I want to get a picture book for Joe."

"Sure." Jules fisted her hand around the paper in her pocket. "My parents'll want something, too."

We're back at the dorm again. We had a great time, even though I really fell down on taking pictures. I'm sorry, but I picked up a picture book for you instead. I'll put a note by the places we saw. I couldn't begin to pick my favourite, but we had a really nice time at Golden Gate Park. Even had a bit of a game with some blokes who were playing there--we knocked the socks off them, you'll be glad to hear.

I know I keep saying it, but it was just really nice, being there with Jules. I'm worried something's up with her. We worked some things out on the train up, but I'm afraid she's upset about something else. She gets all quiet-like at the weirdest times, and she keeps giving me these looks like she's trying to figure out how to tell me off or something. I'm worried, Joe. I could bear it if she has another one of her snits, but I'm afraid it's more than that.

Anyway, I shouldn't chatter away at you about nothing but my own problems. I'll wrap this up so I can get your book in the mail tomorrow. I need to go out for a big envelope for it, I guess.

I'll call you next week, okay? Take care of yourself. And don't hurt my dad playing cricket, please. :)

Love,

Jess

Jules stared at the watery mirror on the back of their door, looking for the signs that her mother had sworn were there. Yeah, she was thin, and yeah, she had muscles, but they didn't stand out like a freaky body builder's or anything.

She tugged at the ends of her hair, whisking it up over her ears, then pushing it all to one side before letting it all flop down again. She'd got it cut at home, and now it was the same length it'd been when she and Jess had first met.

Like when Jess's in-laws had thought Jules was a boy, snogging on the street with a pretty Indian girl.

Jules stuck her tongue out at the mirror. She wrinkled her nose, drew her lips up in a thoroughly unattractive pout. None of her silly faces changed the girl who looked back at her.

She ran her hands down her chest, over the soft fabric of her sports bra, down under her breasts. She pushed up, trying to create the cleavage that her mum said was so necessary.

A key turned in the lock. Jules dropped her hands and dashed for the jersey sitting on the foot of her bed, clutching it in front of her out of a sudden need for modesty. Jess paused on the threshold, then shut the door behind her.

"Am I interrupting something?"

Jules tossed her jersey back on the bed. "No! You startled me, is all."

"Uh-huh." Jess dropped a plastic shopping bag onto her desk, then flopped down on her bed. "What's going on, Jules? You've been acting all weird since we got home. It's more than me talking about Joe, isn't it?"

"Me?" Jules shook her head, wishing for once that Jess could be half as bright as she always was. "I was just seeing how bad the holiday damage was. You want to hit the gym with me tonight?"

"Okay," Jess agreed. Her eyes traveled across Jules' body, measuring in a way that made Jules want to cover herself again. "But you look great, you really do."

Jules sighed. "You don't think I look like a boy?"

"No, of course not!" Jess's look said that Jules had gone completely cracked. "Why do you think that?"

Jules sat down on the edge of her bed. She picked up her jersey, wadding it into a soft ball that she started kneading in her hands. "My mum thought I was a lesbian because I act like a boy and dress like a boy."

Jess gaped. "Yeah, but your mum's mad. You don't look like a boy, okay? You're very pretty, Jules."

Jules licked her lips. Licked them again, but it didn't help the words stuck to the roof of her mouth. She pressed the flats of her fingers to her lips, pushing until she could open her mouth and let them come out.

"The thing is," she started slowly, "I think maybe she had it right after all."

"What?" Jess looked gobsmacked.

Jules clenched the jersey so hard that her fingers pressed together through the layers of cloth. "I think I'm a lesbian, Jess."

Jess burst out laughing.

"What? What?"

Jess shook her head, eyes screwed up from laughing so hard. Jules threw her jersey. It landed right on Jess's head, draping across her face. Jess toppled onto her side, clutching at her stomach.

"Oh, that's not fair! I come out to you, and you laugh at me? Come on, Jess." Jules grabbed her pillow and threw that as well. It hit Jess square in the chest, and that seemed to knock some sense into her. Her laughs slowed to gasping breaths. She pulled the jersey off her head and looked at Jules at last.

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I just couldn't help it. You have no idea. And your mother--"

"I know." Jules' mouth twisted up with the sour irony of it all. "I'm never going to be able to convince her now. She won't believe me, even if I snog a girl right in front of her."

"Well, at least you know your parents won't disown you or anything." Jess sat up and started fidgeting with her bangle. Twisting it around and around her wrist while she spoke. "My mom will never speak to me again, I think."

"Wait." Jules was sure she'd misunderstood. "For what?"

"You know." Jess smiled shyly. "For liking girls."

Jules blurted the first thing that came to mind. "But what about Joe?"

Jess shrugged. "I like him." She ducked her head a little, so that Jules could only see the hints of her eyes peeking out from under her lashes. "But I like you more."

"Oh." Jules couldn't breathe. Her ears felt warm, and her arms prickled with cold. "Me?"

"Yeah." Jess said it like a whisper, but it hit Jules like a shout. "Is that okay? When you said it before, I thought maybe--"

Jules laughed. She started giggling and couldn't stop. She could understand why Jess had done the same thing to her before; relief this strong made you too giddy to hold back.

She never even saw the pillow before it smacked her in the face. Jules knocked it to the floor, then launched herself across the room to tackle Jess. They rolled together on the narrow single bed until Jules had her back pressed up against the far wall.

Jess's eyes sparkled. Jules had always thought that was a bunch of romantic claptrap, but they really did. They stared into each others eyes, breathing heavily as they recovered from their laughter and wrestling. Jules couldn't get her breath back completely, though. Not with Jess sparkling at her like that.

They dipped their heads at the same time. Their first kiss was the barest brush of their lips, but it was enough for Jules to know that she'd been right about what she wanted.

Their second kiss was a whole lot more.

P.S. - Don't worry about what I was worried about, okay? You were right about Jules.

Thanks for being such a good friend, Joe. I think things are going to work out great.