(no subject)
This much I have realized:
I am not a depressed person. And if, at any point in my life I have ever claimed that I was, then I've lied. Then I was too naive to realize that every body has their ups and downs, whether it be with a reason or without. Everybody falters, everybody fucks up, everybody cries and at some point in their lives, everybody wishes they could die.
In most cases, I don't think depression exists. Depression is like the attack on the Self, from the Self. There is no conquering of depression, there is a conquering of who you are. You don't learn to live with it, you learn to live with you.
I think the most important thing that I have done is content myself with everything that I am, everything that I was, and everything that I will be. What people don't realize is that you can't be happy with the world if you're unhappy with yourself, and that's what depression is.
It's that self-inflicted infection, the disease that you kill by acknoweledging that you are alive. That who you are is who you are, and that it's okay to be that. It's great to be that. It's who I am to be that.
Suddenly this becomes a reference to myself.
Hi, I used to think that happiness meant having everything that I wanted, but really, I am completely satisfied wanting everything that I have. I bet nobody is even reading this.
I'm in this position where everything is really okay, because I am okay. I am okay with my limits, my talents. I am okay with what I know about myself and I am okay with being excited with what there is yet to learn.
I remember constantly trying to run away from myself, constantly trying to just disappear from everything but the realization that to really be satisfied is to confront everything is beautiful to me. It's like life is suddenly fleeting by and I can finally rush to feel the wind beside it because I have cut myself free from the tethers of myself. There is no shadow gripping me because I've allowed myself to become a whole. I've enveloped every thing about myself that I've hated and, rather than trying to change them into things that I like, I have become content with them.
I will not change what life has shaped, I will adapt. I will brave it, I will take it, I will live it. I will become satisfied with everything that I have because goddamn it, it is far too time-consuming and unproductive to feel like shit all the time.
I have recently decided that never, at any point in my life do I want to be thoroughly happy. Never do I want to lose this drive that this small lack of happiness gives me. I will be content but never happy. The day that happiness ensues is the day that it all ends because I live for progress and without the room for it, there will be nothing left.
I am very comfortable with the fact that everything, including myself, is transient. I am comfortable knowing that ten years from now I will probably have no trace of memory that I wrote this, and if I do, I will probably think of every syllable as utter shite. I am comfortable with the knoweledge that ten years from now, I will probably be striving for the level of comfort and satisfaction that I have gained today, and that I will probably not know how to find it.
It's okay, really.
I don't know if it's the 300mg, the 80 degrees or maybe it's a sudden clarity that's real and tangible but something has changed. Love each other or perish, it echoes in my head and it makes me think of you. I miss you more than you can ever know, it feels like someone is reaching into my chest and ripping my heart right out. It's hard to accept that you've been replaced. As much as I wish for things to be as they were, I know they will never be the same--I'm not the same. But that's not the sad part, the sad part is -- you are.