(no subject)
Hi.
There's this feeling that you can't get away from yourself, when in reality what you can't get away from is a problem, a faceless problem you feel the need to personify with your name, your face, your fucking habits. It all seems so trivial without a face.
Trivial, baby, trivial I can count the reasons I have to feel like this on my left hand and I think, Maybe if I can waste away and rot on drugs and alcohol there will be a cure. It breaks down to the fact that there are no twelve step programs for depression heartache but maybe if I pick up a problem with a cure it'll all be cured. There's no program for this but give me a program and baby, maybe we'll climb those twelve steps away from here.
I often forget that there is more to me than an emptiness. I haven't been feeling as much lately and I am not sure whether to apologize to you, myself, or to revel in how numb it has all been. I'm sure if I were able to feel this past month or so, I would have a lot more to write about and a lot more to be afraid of.
I don't know if I should wait for you or walk out on you, I have so much to do and so little time I'm panicking but I'm not sure why because if I can't feel then why do I feel so afraid?
look;
i miss you so much, i can't breathe. it's like wheez wheez and i try to pull in breaths, but i'm suffocating. and it's not as though you were the oxygen in the air or as though you displaced the water that otherwise, would have filled up my lungs it's just the realization that you're never coming back the realization that i can't stop missing you. and i reach my hands up and wrap them around my throat as though i can tear it open and breathe breathe breathe, but i can't. i didn't want you to feel guilt, only to realize how much i needed it. the result was catastrophic.
you are
are
are
are
are
are
( were )
so beautiful.
i try to hate you for making it so that i constantly cross out are
and replace it with past tense
and get this pummel in my chest of the fist
that reminds me you're gone.
so it's been like an emotional disconnection , i'm sitting here but my mind is somewhere off all - the - fucking - time . and it's not bothering me anymore , no , not in the least . i'd much rather be off nowhere than be here . especially, not here.
i can't figure out my next move, in this game of chess. sliding my pawn or galloping off on my horse doesn't matter, you called out check mate earlier in the game. still i'm searching for a move, that maybe you overlooked one that will turn the game and put us back on even playing ground. maybe even one that would let us both win, together.
i can't even write tonight, my brain is crushed. along with my heart
ps. i know you're all sick of hearing me bitch and cry, but get over it. (or delete me.)
There's this feeling that you can't get away from yourself, when in reality what you can't get away from is a problem, a faceless problem you feel the need to personify with your name, your face, your fucking habits. It all seems so trivial without a face.
Trivial, baby, trivial I can count the reasons I have to feel like this on my left hand and I think, Maybe if I can waste away and rot on drugs and alcohol there will be a cure. It breaks down to the fact that there are no twelve step programs for depression heartache but maybe if I pick up a problem with a cure it'll all be cured. There's no program for this but give me a program and baby, maybe we'll climb those twelve steps away from here.
I often forget that there is more to me than an emptiness. I haven't been feeling as much lately and I am not sure whether to apologize to you, myself, or to revel in how numb it has all been. I'm sure if I were able to feel this past month or so, I would have a lot more to write about and a lot more to be afraid of.
I don't know if I should wait for you or walk out on you, I have so much to do and so little time I'm panicking but I'm not sure why because if I can't feel then why do I feel so afraid?
look;
i miss you so much, i can't breathe. it's like wheez wheez and i try to pull in breaths, but i'm suffocating. and it's not as though you were the oxygen in the air or as though you displaced the water that otherwise, would have filled up my lungs it's just the realization that you're never coming back the realization that i can't stop missing you. and i reach my hands up and wrap them around my throat as though i can tear it open and breathe breathe breathe, but i can't. i didn't want you to feel guilt, only to realize how much i needed it. the result was catastrophic.
you are
are
are
are
are
are
( were )
so beautiful.
i try to hate you for making it so that i constantly cross out are
and replace it with past tense
and get this pummel in my chest of the fist
that reminds me you're gone.
so it's been like an emotional disconnection , i'm sitting here but my mind is somewhere off all - the - fucking - time . and it's not bothering me anymore , no , not in the least . i'd much rather be off nowhere than be here . especially, not here.
i can't figure out my next move, in this game of chess. sliding my pawn or galloping off on my horse doesn't matter, you called out check mate earlier in the game. still i'm searching for a move, that maybe you overlooked one that will turn the game and put us back on even playing ground. maybe even one that would let us both win, together.
i can't even write tonight, my brain is crushed. along with my heart
ps. i know you're all sick of hearing me bitch and cry, but get over it. (or delete me.)