Its a beautiful life we live
On this last day of 2013 I am very sad for many people. I woke up this morning to find that an old school mate's son had passed away. He was critically injured in a fight with his sister's boyfriend. Here today and gone tomorrow is such a true statement today. A few more old school mate's parents have passed away in the last month. I know I am getting to the age when parents do pass away. I don't think life gets easier as we age. As our brains age our perceptions of life change.
December continues to be a hard month for me. I try not to think about Kaylee during the holidays, but I was reading Christine Caine's book last night, "Undaunted", and she told of losing a child at 13 weeks. All of her feelings and emotions brought it all back to me from 6 years ago. It was a very lonely time for me. Grief and sorrow is a road we must all walk alone. I will never forget the day I went alone to the doctor to wait to hear if my baby's heart had stopped beating. No one went with me that day. Why not? Not my husband or parents. At that time, it was the hardest day of my life and I was all alone to face it. Little did I know the days to come would be the hardest that I had ever had to face.
Going into a maternity ward to give birth to a dead baby while hearing the cries of other newborn babies was torture. My heart was being ripped from my chest because I knew that I would never hear that sound as I delivered my baby girl. Putting my baby girl in the cold, hard January ground was excruciatingly painful. And looking back the pain was all the worse in my ignorance of other things going on and I was still yet to face. Its never a good day when your husband tells you he wished that our baby would die and it did. Cruel, cruel words to tell to a grieving mother.
The only thing that brought me through any of this was my faith in God. It was a long, long, long hard walk. And it was not easy. I was angry and bitter for a very long time. And I let God know about it. But all the while He kept assuring me that He would take care of me. "There is a bigger picture" He kept saying. And I know I won't see it until I meet my baby girl (and the two others) along with Jesus in Heaven.
It used to bother me to go to baby showers and I could not be happy for people when they announced they were going to have a baby. None of that bother's me now. I can rejoice with them about their new lives to come because I know that was not the plan that God had for me.
Things are so different for me now. I live my days in peace and happiness. I surrendered it all to God, every little part of me and I relied on Him for every waking moment, every decision, every breath. And He lead me to my calling. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight", Proverbs 3; 5-6 This is my life verse and I repeat it every time I get anxious about anything thing. The straight path is full of peace, comfort and joy. I've never been so happy and fulfilled. I don't want for anything meaning I am tired of acquiring "stuff". Life is not about the "stuff" we can buy with the money we work so hard for. Life is about how we love and who we can help along the way. People tend to forget that they have eternal value. So many people think they are worthless and turn to bad things to try and help themselves. We are all accepted by our Lord Jesus. There is no one out that that is too far for him to reach. His grace is much greater than any of us can ever fathom.
Thus, we can't take this life for granted. We can be gone in an instant. What will we leave behind? What mark have we made on humanity? Or will they just find a bunch of "stuff" in our houses?
December continues to be a hard month for me. I try not to think about Kaylee during the holidays, but I was reading Christine Caine's book last night, "Undaunted", and she told of losing a child at 13 weeks. All of her feelings and emotions brought it all back to me from 6 years ago. It was a very lonely time for me. Grief and sorrow is a road we must all walk alone. I will never forget the day I went alone to the doctor to wait to hear if my baby's heart had stopped beating. No one went with me that day. Why not? Not my husband or parents. At that time, it was the hardest day of my life and I was all alone to face it. Little did I know the days to come would be the hardest that I had ever had to face.
Going into a maternity ward to give birth to a dead baby while hearing the cries of other newborn babies was torture. My heart was being ripped from my chest because I knew that I would never hear that sound as I delivered my baby girl. Putting my baby girl in the cold, hard January ground was excruciatingly painful. And looking back the pain was all the worse in my ignorance of other things going on and I was still yet to face. Its never a good day when your husband tells you he wished that our baby would die and it did. Cruel, cruel words to tell to a grieving mother.
The only thing that brought me through any of this was my faith in God. It was a long, long, long hard walk. And it was not easy. I was angry and bitter for a very long time. And I let God know about it. But all the while He kept assuring me that He would take care of me. "There is a bigger picture" He kept saying. And I know I won't see it until I meet my baby girl (and the two others) along with Jesus in Heaven.
It used to bother me to go to baby showers and I could not be happy for people when they announced they were going to have a baby. None of that bother's me now. I can rejoice with them about their new lives to come because I know that was not the plan that God had for me.
Things are so different for me now. I live my days in peace and happiness. I surrendered it all to God, every little part of me and I relied on Him for every waking moment, every decision, every breath. And He lead me to my calling. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight", Proverbs 3; 5-6 This is my life verse and I repeat it every time I get anxious about anything thing. The straight path is full of peace, comfort and joy. I've never been so happy and fulfilled. I don't want for anything meaning I am tired of acquiring "stuff". Life is not about the "stuff" we can buy with the money we work so hard for. Life is about how we love and who we can help along the way. People tend to forget that they have eternal value. So many people think they are worthless and turn to bad things to try and help themselves. We are all accepted by our Lord Jesus. There is no one out that that is too far for him to reach. His grace is much greater than any of us can ever fathom.
Thus, we can't take this life for granted. We can be gone in an instant. What will we leave behind? What mark have we made on humanity? Or will they just find a bunch of "stuff" in our houses?