just let me go

Jan 07, 2009 10:59


i dont know who reads this shit anymore. . i hope noone. because i just need to write this down. and get it out. i feel like im poisoned and i need to vent.
the past month ive been feeling the fade. it happens. but then the other day my hope was re-gathered and i felt happy again. erin and i broke up and i decided to open the letter i wrote to myself 1 year ago in december, when i was going through another heartache....
the things i wrote to myself. were incredible. i guess when you're super emotional stuff comes out of you , that you didnt think could.
that letter.
this feeling.
im stuck again. there's nothing left to feel.
the basics: "different schedules""different stages of our lives""he cant be the boyfriend i want him to be"
the real deal:i feel alone. thats that. i cant believe myself. i let my heart fall again to someone who was full of one giant empty promise.
i dont know how people deal with a divorce, i cant even get through a breakup of 4 months. what the fuck.
its those small things that make it painful.
realizing valentines day is coming up=(
sleeping alone every night, being cold. ---he never failed to keep me warm.
pictures.videos.
not being able to text him love texts and thoughts i only shared with him.
when i wake up and i find that teddy bear he brought me when i was in the hospital.=(
knowing i never went to boulder for anyone but him, and now its like a cut off point at highway 36.
fuck fuck fuck.
crying.
hurting. the damn lump in my throat.
im so angry now. i just want him, and i want nothing and noone else.
why the hell is this always happening to me.
everything was so fine, not anymore.
my rock is gone.i feel lost.
he said we can still talk. hang out. whatever. but if there's no time for me as a gf, how can there be time for me as even a friend.
i feel like an idiot.
i just cant deal with this.
people dont know how sensitive i am, and they tell me its going to be ok.
--------no.
--------do me a favor and save those words for someone who has beliefs that things will be "ok"
i dont want ok. i want perfect.
im done. i cant stand this side of me and how much this hurts right now. maybe in time ill be able to write and be happy again. not right now.
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