026; i've been donating time to review all the misinterpretations that define me
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Even though I'm on my own two feet, and there's nothing inherently wrong going on in my life...I've been thinking a lot about myself. How I react to things. How I am as a person. Why I'm this way.
I originally wasn't going to post this if I managed to ever type it out, however, xenoamorist's recent entry gave me the courage to do so ♥
"Self-awareness is the concept that one exists as an individual, separate from other people, with private thoughts. It may also include the understanding that other people are similarly self-aware. Self-consciousness is credited only with the development of identity (see ego). In an epistemological sense, self-consciousness is a personal understanding of the very core of one's own identity. It is during periods of self-consciousness that people come the closest to knowing themselves objectively. Jean Paul Sartre describes self-consciousness as being "non-positional", in that it is not from any location in particular." -- Self Awareness; Wikipedia
"The Ego comprises that organized part of the personality structure which includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual-cognitive, and executive functions. Conscious awareness resides in the ego, although not all of the operations of the ego are conscious...In modern-day society, ego has many meanings. It could mean one’s self-esteem; an inflated sense of self-worth; or in philosophical terms, one’s self. However, according to Freud, the ego is the part of the mind which contains the consciousness. Originally, Freud had associated the word ego to meaning a sense of self; however, he later revised it to mean a set of psychic functions such as judgment, tolerance, reality-testing, control, planning, defense, synthesis of information, intellectual functioning, and memory." -- Ego; Wikipedia
It's interesting how the ego and self-awareness is inherently hand in hand. Without the consciousness, you can't be self aware. And even then, not everything is actually conscious, many aspects of the ego are subconscious. Without the ego, you wouldn't have the sense of self, which is what Freud originally stated. However, somehow it got changed to the more defensive, modern connotation the word receives.
I feel that I am a fairly self-aware person, and that I understand many of the aspects of myself. A lot of this has developed over the years. If you asked me even sophomore year if I was self aware and comfortable with myself, I would probably have struggle and gaped for answers. Last year I became more self aware, but this year I feel like I know the root of most of the aspects of my personality.
However, I have also realized this year that my ego is growing ten fold. Partly because I'm so used to being around older kids, having that connection that I'm still younger than the rest. Partly because kids are looking up to me. And partly because, damn, I'm actually doing really well this year in music and school. I'm not faking anything anymore.
By the definition of Freud, does that mean people with ego's aren't self-aware? This can and can't be true. You can't have self awareness without the ego, but you can't have an ego without being a bit self-aware of the self. My ego stems from the self-awareness that I don't have to put myself below anybody. And yet, its this ego thats causing me to raise myself above people.
"You have an ego, Vanessa. You may deny it, but how many times have you mentioned that a hot guy hit on you, or that you did really awesome at this one thing? It's not a bad thing, in fact, having a small ego is good. It means that you recognize the strengths of yourself" --Cody Decker; phone call in August 2008
This quote has stuck with me for a while, and I've pondered it on and off ever since he told me this. Is he right? I'm almost inclined to believe so. In order to have self-esteem, you have to recognize what parts of yourself are good. Too long had I focused on the bad, that I had dwelled on all that was wrong with me. I'm in a place where I can list off good qualities or talents without feeling the guilt of placing myself above people. I'm confident in who I am as a person, and its very rare that I let somebody drag me down.
And yet, its this act of placing one's self over the other that I have condemned many other people for. But now that I am in a position of placing myself above others, I condemn those that don't have that self-awareness of themselves.
"You sound exactly like Eric who thinks that you learn everything about yourself by sitting on your ass and doing nothing. You learn through mistakes" --Mac McGregor; facebook in October 2008
I hate to admit that this is what started me on this whole battle of self-awareness and the ego. And other things said in the phone call. I knew he wasn't aware of himself, but when I read that line, it really hit home that he honestly had no clue about anything. You can't just wait for mistakes to teach you lessons - you have to pick up little lessons everyday. You don't sit on your ass and do nothing, you observe how you act towards other people, how you act towards yourself even.
I haven't made a mistake with my ego this year...yet. I haven't lost any friends over it so far in the school year, nor have I pissed anybody off to a huge extent. Hmmmm. And yet I can make that observation about myself that indeed, my ego is inflating far more than it should, though I am slowly starting to tame it down.
Granted, sometimes you need those mistakes to drive a point home.
For example, I realize that I am an emotional masochist. I thrive on the highs and lows of emotions. I either need to be in the clouds, or I need to be in the pits of pride, anger, or despair. Moods where I feel nothing are absolute torture, and I consider it worse than anything else. Because at least you feel something, no matter how positive or negative. Therefore, I sometimes go and seek out things to purposefully make me feel (for example, provoking Mac was definitely a case of masochism on my part).
Is writing about the self and the ego self-centered? Maybe. But I truly believe that you need to be self-centered to truly be able to relate to others and to help others. Because if you're not self aware, if you're not self centered, how are others going to rely on you? How will you have the strength to support others when you don't know yourself?
I don't know everything about myself. But I'm pretty aware of who I am, what my beliefs are, and what I stand for. I could not say that at the end of school last year.
"He may have chosen Palin out of change-envy, or a belief that women can't tell the difference between form and content, but the main motive was to please right-wing ideologues" --Gloria Steinem; "Palin: Wrong Woman, Wrong Message"
This is not a commentary on politics, though many know of my dislike for her. This is a comment on form and content. In English, we have been linking these things to analysis and interpretation. You can't have one without the other - they are inherently interlinked, and the other supports the other. And yet, they are entirely different in of themselves. Analyzing something, breaking it down and seeing how the parts interconnect, isn't the same as interpreting and stating how you personally feel it affects somebody. Analyzing is the surface, and interpreting digs deeper into personal opinions. Form embodies content - without the structure, we can't have the content. Form is one aspect of a work, however, you need to dig deeper to find the content, the root source of it.
In this case, however, its applied differently. Form is how somebody is presented to the world - what you show off. Your looks. Your basic beliefs. Your public persona. However, the content sometimes isn't there. How many times have we looked at a beautiful girl to realize that she is only an empty shell? In fact, I don't believe its women that don't know the difference between form and content for the most part. Women inherently look deeper, we instinctively look at body language, at inflections in the tone, to discern a deeper meaning.
Men are the ones that sometimes can't tell the difference between the two. If you look at men, they usually can't discern between a disapproving tone and an angry tone. I'm not saying they're stupid - simply men look at things differently than women, and this line for them can be blurred.
And if this is the case - that men are the ones who can't tell the difference between form and content - it makes sense that women focus more on the form to please them. It makes sense that we dress up, doll up, sex up to make ourselves feel good in the eyes of men. Yes, I realize the discrepancy of that last sentence. We feel good when we know men are attractive to us. Does it matter that maybe, just maybe, we are intelligent? That there is something beyond the makeup and clothes? That we have insecurities about the body we flaunt?
It's been bugging me lately that guys haven't been hitting on me. And I feel shallow for this reason. I'm single, I'm confident...and I can't even feel a passing glance. Then again, I'm not actively looking either. And even though I'm not nearly as fake as I was last year, there is an element of not feeling worthy unless I have men attracted to me. Which is stupid, because I love the guys I hang out with, I love the intelligent discussion I have with them. I'm not chomping at the bit to be with somebody.
And now that I have this all typed out, I'm not sure how to quite end this. I'm not going to say whether having an ego and form is good or bad. I think that either one in excess is more detrimental to the person than helpful. Being self aware and having content, I feel, is much more fulfilling to me. Knowing that I am an inherently good person, knowing that I am not just looks...well, it just makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Yay for ramblings. I applaud any of you guys that took the chance to read this whole entry XD
I originally wasn't going to post this if I managed to ever type it out, however, xenoamorist's recent entry gave me the courage to do so ♥
"Self-awareness is the concept that one exists as an individual, separate from other people, with private thoughts. It may also include the understanding that other people are similarly self-aware. Self-consciousness is credited only with the development of identity (see ego). In an epistemological sense, self-consciousness is a personal understanding of the very core of one's own identity. It is during periods of self-consciousness that people come the closest to knowing themselves objectively. Jean Paul Sartre describes self-consciousness as being "non-positional", in that it is not from any location in particular." -- Self Awareness; Wikipedia
"The Ego comprises that organized part of the personality structure which includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual-cognitive, and executive functions. Conscious awareness resides in the ego, although not all of the operations of the ego are conscious...In modern-day society, ego has many meanings. It could mean one’s self-esteem; an inflated sense of self-worth; or in philosophical terms, one’s self. However, according to Freud, the ego is the part of the mind which contains the consciousness. Originally, Freud had associated the word ego to meaning a sense of self; however, he later revised it to mean a set of psychic functions such as judgment, tolerance, reality-testing, control, planning, defense, synthesis of information, intellectual functioning, and memory." -- Ego; Wikipedia
It's interesting how the ego and self-awareness is inherently hand in hand. Without the consciousness, you can't be self aware. And even then, not everything is actually conscious, many aspects of the ego are subconscious. Without the ego, you wouldn't have the sense of self, which is what Freud originally stated. However, somehow it got changed to the more defensive, modern connotation the word receives.
I feel that I am a fairly self-aware person, and that I understand many of the aspects of myself. A lot of this has developed over the years. If you asked me even sophomore year if I was self aware and comfortable with myself, I would probably have struggle and gaped for answers. Last year I became more self aware, but this year I feel like I know the root of most of the aspects of my personality.
However, I have also realized this year that my ego is growing ten fold. Partly because I'm so used to being around older kids, having that connection that I'm still younger than the rest. Partly because kids are looking up to me. And partly because, damn, I'm actually doing really well this year in music and school. I'm not faking anything anymore.
By the definition of Freud, does that mean people with ego's aren't self-aware? This can and can't be true. You can't have self awareness without the ego, but you can't have an ego without being a bit self-aware of the self. My ego stems from the self-awareness that I don't have to put myself below anybody. And yet, its this ego thats causing me to raise myself above people.
"You have an ego, Vanessa. You may deny it, but how many times have you mentioned that a hot guy hit on you, or that you did really awesome at this one thing? It's not a bad thing, in fact, having a small ego is good. It means that you recognize the strengths of yourself" --Cody Decker; phone call in August 2008
This quote has stuck with me for a while, and I've pondered it on and off ever since he told me this. Is he right? I'm almost inclined to believe so. In order to have self-esteem, you have to recognize what parts of yourself are good. Too long had I focused on the bad, that I had dwelled on all that was wrong with me. I'm in a place where I can list off good qualities or talents without feeling the guilt of placing myself above people. I'm confident in who I am as a person, and its very rare that I let somebody drag me down.
And yet, its this act of placing one's self over the other that I have condemned many other people for. But now that I am in a position of placing myself above others, I condemn those that don't have that self-awareness of themselves.
"You sound exactly like Eric who thinks that you learn everything about yourself by sitting on your ass and doing nothing. You learn through mistakes" --Mac McGregor; facebook in October 2008
I hate to admit that this is what started me on this whole battle of self-awareness and the ego. And other things said in the phone call. I knew he wasn't aware of himself, but when I read that line, it really hit home that he honestly had no clue about anything. You can't just wait for mistakes to teach you lessons - you have to pick up little lessons everyday. You don't sit on your ass and do nothing, you observe how you act towards other people, how you act towards yourself even.
I haven't made a mistake with my ego this year...yet. I haven't lost any friends over it so far in the school year, nor have I pissed anybody off to a huge extent. Hmmmm. And yet I can make that observation about myself that indeed, my ego is inflating far more than it should, though I am slowly starting to tame it down.
Granted, sometimes you need those mistakes to drive a point home.
For example, I realize that I am an emotional masochist. I thrive on the highs and lows of emotions. I either need to be in the clouds, or I need to be in the pits of pride, anger, or despair. Moods where I feel nothing are absolute torture, and I consider it worse than anything else. Because at least you feel something, no matter how positive or negative. Therefore, I sometimes go and seek out things to purposefully make me feel (for example, provoking Mac was definitely a case of masochism on my part).
Is writing about the self and the ego self-centered? Maybe. But I truly believe that you need to be self-centered to truly be able to relate to others and to help others. Because if you're not self aware, if you're not self centered, how are others going to rely on you? How will you have the strength to support others when you don't know yourself?
I don't know everything about myself. But I'm pretty aware of who I am, what my beliefs are, and what I stand for. I could not say that at the end of school last year.
"He may have chosen Palin out of change-envy, or a belief that women can't tell the difference between form and content, but the main motive was to please right-wing ideologues" --Gloria Steinem; "Palin: Wrong Woman, Wrong Message"
This is not a commentary on politics, though many know of my dislike for her. This is a comment on form and content. In English, we have been linking these things to analysis and interpretation. You can't have one without the other - they are inherently interlinked, and the other supports the other. And yet, they are entirely different in of themselves. Analyzing something, breaking it down and seeing how the parts interconnect, isn't the same as interpreting and stating how you personally feel it affects somebody. Analyzing is the surface, and interpreting digs deeper into personal opinions. Form embodies content - without the structure, we can't have the content. Form is one aspect of a work, however, you need to dig deeper to find the content, the root source of it.
In this case, however, its applied differently. Form is how somebody is presented to the world - what you show off. Your looks. Your basic beliefs. Your public persona. However, the content sometimes isn't there. How many times have we looked at a beautiful girl to realize that she is only an empty shell? In fact, I don't believe its women that don't know the difference between form and content for the most part. Women inherently look deeper, we instinctively look at body language, at inflections in the tone, to discern a deeper meaning.
Men are the ones that sometimes can't tell the difference between the two. If you look at men, they usually can't discern between a disapproving tone and an angry tone. I'm not saying they're stupid - simply men look at things differently than women, and this line for them can be blurred.
And if this is the case - that men are the ones who can't tell the difference between form and content - it makes sense that women focus more on the form to please them. It makes sense that we dress up, doll up, sex up to make ourselves feel good in the eyes of men. Yes, I realize the discrepancy of that last sentence. We feel good when we know men are attractive to us. Does it matter that maybe, just maybe, we are intelligent? That there is something beyond the makeup and clothes? That we have insecurities about the body we flaunt?
It's been bugging me lately that guys haven't been hitting on me. And I feel shallow for this reason. I'm single, I'm confident...and I can't even feel a passing glance. Then again, I'm not actively looking either. And even though I'm not nearly as fake as I was last year, there is an element of not feeling worthy unless I have men attracted to me. Which is stupid, because I love the guys I hang out with, I love the intelligent discussion I have with them. I'm not chomping at the bit to be with somebody.
And now that I have this all typed out, I'm not sure how to quite end this. I'm not going to say whether having an ego and form is good or bad. I think that either one in excess is more detrimental to the person than helpful. Being self aware and having content, I feel, is much more fulfilling to me. Knowing that I am an inherently good person, knowing that I am not just looks...well, it just makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Yay for ramblings. I applaud any of you guys that took the chance to read this whole entry XD