(no subject)
I found that Im questioning myself a lot as of late.
why did I do that? why didnt I do that? what was I thinking?
...and honestly, it needs to stop. I seem to get this way when Im feeling down. somethings not right inside my head so that must mean everything is wrong - nothing makes sense. I still have a way of trying to meet other peoples expectations or standards. its a flaw in me thats slowly fading ... ever so slowly ... part of it is just me wanting to make other people happy. if I can do that, then I feel better about myself. see, there really is no selfless good deed.
I wish I could just put things behind me and move on. I like to live in my own little make believe world where everything is just wonderful, everyone is happy and I feel no pain at all. there are so many things that I keep to myself, not even the closest of friends have an clue as to what is going on. I find that when I let out a feeling I get pitty in return and it almost makes me feel weaker than I was - almost as if Im less of a person. mostly it has to do with me wanting everyone close to me to be devoted to me. Im selfish, I know. my jealousy sets in when I realize that most of my friends are in relationships that distant me from them. when the day is done with, I go home alone.
Im just aching to get away from here. my heart still doesnt know what its like to be whole again. no matter how much happiness and joy and laughter I shove into the damn thing, its just never satisfied. fuck you heart!
why did I do that? why didnt I do that? what was I thinking?
...and honestly, it needs to stop. I seem to get this way when Im feeling down. somethings not right inside my head so that must mean everything is wrong - nothing makes sense. I still have a way of trying to meet other peoples expectations or standards. its a flaw in me thats slowly fading ... ever so slowly ... part of it is just me wanting to make other people happy. if I can do that, then I feel better about myself. see, there really is no selfless good deed.
I wish I could just put things behind me and move on. I like to live in my own little make believe world where everything is just wonderful, everyone is happy and I feel no pain at all. there are so many things that I keep to myself, not even the closest of friends have an clue as to what is going on. I find that when I let out a feeling I get pitty in return and it almost makes me feel weaker than I was - almost as if Im less of a person. mostly it has to do with me wanting everyone close to me to be devoted to me. Im selfish, I know. my jealousy sets in when I realize that most of my friends are in relationships that distant me from them. when the day is done with, I go home alone.
Im just aching to get away from here. my heart still doesnt know what its like to be whole again. no matter how much happiness and joy and laughter I shove into the damn thing, its just never satisfied. fuck you heart!