Fic: Segments (Sheppard/Lorne, PG-13)
Title: Segments
Author: sheryden
Fandoms: Stargate: Atlantis
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: John Sheppard/Evan Lorne
Spoilers: Minor for "The Ark" (as the story starts at the end of that episode)
Word Count: 3332
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, which is quite sad, really.
Summary: John Sheppard and Evan Lorne struggle with being military officers in a burgeoning relationship with each other
Evan Lorne was pretty sure his CO was nuts. No, scratch that. He knew damn well John Sheppard was nuts. Maybe he wasn’t full on “put the guy in a straightjacket” crazy, but he had a screw loose somewhere. Of that, Evan was certain.
He knew all of this because sane men didn’t try to fly hundred-year-old shuttles out of dying moons. And they especially didn’t do this if they had never laid a finger on the controls of said shuttle. Granted, Teyla was trapped in that device, and Evan could understand Sheppard’s desire to save her. But his methodology was proof positive that he was nuts.
“I think you’re crazy, sir,” Evan said when Sheppard walked down the ramp of the jumper.
Sheppard smirked and folded his arms lazily across his chest. “Got it done, didn’t I, Major? Barely even broke a sweat.”
Evan grinned in spite of himself. “Yes, sir,” he conceded. He let his eyes travel over Sheppard’s body, giving him a cursory check for injuries. “And you seem to be in one piece, despite your best efforts.”
“You’re just jealous you didn’t get to fly the shuttle.”
Before Evan had a chance to reply, Rodney brushed by him, muttering something under his breath. Evan stepped out of the way to keep from getting mowed over and found himself literally colliding with an amused Sheppard.
Reaching his hands out, Sheppard caught Evan by the shoulders. “Take it easy, Major,” he said. “I’m an injured man here.”
“You look fine to me, sir,” Evan said, hoping his face wasn’t as red as he thought it was. He cleared his throat and grinned. “You could at least have the common decency to have a scratch.”
“I’ll probably have more than that once Weir gets a hold of me,” Sheppard said, wincing a bit at the thought. His hands lingered on Evan’s shoulders for a moment longer than necessary, then he smacked Evan on the back and said, “Let’s see about getting Teyla out of this thing.”
***
“Way to kick my ass, Major.”
Evan hunched forward and rested his weight against his knees. He was heaving gusts of air in and out in a way that reminded him of his asthmatic cousin, and he felt like he might pass out from lack of oxygen. It was worth it, though, to have bested the Colonel in their little post-mission sparring match. Grinning at Sheppard, he said, “Just luck, sir.”
Sheppard was on his back, one arm covering his eyes. “Can the modesty.” He sat up, groaning as he did so. “Teyla says you have natural ability.”
“Really?” Evan asked, arching an eyebrow. “She’s always telling me I’m easily distracted.”
Fanning himself, Sheppard said, “Yeah, well. Who can blame you?” He winked and stood unsteadily to his feet. “I feel like I’m an eighth-grader staring down Becky Winchell every time I step onto a mat with her.”
Smiling, Evan pulled his sweat-covered t-shirt away from his chest. “I’m way better at hand-to-hand than I am with those damn sticks,” he said. “The first time she tried to teach me those, I was black-and-blue for a week.”
Sheppard laughed and grasped at his side. “I hear you. I’ll take fists and flips any day.” He motioned Evan toward the locker room. “Let’s hit the showers.”
“Sounds good.” Evan trailed along behind Sheppard, who staggered slowly out of the gym area. “You okay, sir?”
“Yeah, I’ll survive,” Sheppard said. “I’m gonna be damn sore tomorrow, though. Shower’s gonna feel good.”
When they reached the locker room, Sheppard wrenched off his t-shirt and clutched it in his hands. He twisted his body back and forth, then stretched his arms upward.
Almost by reflex, Evan licked his lips. He let his gaze linger on Sheppard’s uncovered chest for a little longer than he probably should have, taking in hard lines and muscle that he usually didn’t get a chance to see. Most of the time, clothing masked Sheppard’s well-honed physique. Of course, that was probably a good thing. If Sheppard walked around shirtless all the time, people might start to notice Evan’s considerable and inappropriate interest in his commanding officer. And that was something Evan couldn’t afford.
Swallowing, Evan glued his eyes to the inside of his locker and tried to ignore the burning in his cheeks and the tingle that was running down his spine.
He had almost shaken off the feeling when he felt a sweaty t-shirt land against his face. Snagging it with one finger and tossing it onto the bench, he glared at Sheppard, who flashed his best innocent grin. “I really don’t want to smell your sweaty shirt, sir,” he said. “I have one of my own.”
“I can see,” Sheppard said. “Well, why don’t you lose it so we can take a shower?”
Evan smiled a bit too broadly and turned his eyes back to his locker. “You know what? I can wait. You go.”
“C’mon, Major,” Sheppard said with a smirk. “We’re both guys. And I’ll be a gentleman the whole time.” Turning to head toward the shower, he added, “Unless… you don’t want me to be a gentleman.”
***
Back in Evan’s quarters, Sheppard pulled back and gazed intently into blue eyes. “Major… Evan,” he said, his voice hushed. “If I’m doing anything you don’t want me to do, say the word, and I’ll stop. No repercussions. No worries.”
Evan bit his bottom lip. This was his out. John Sheppard was an honorable man, and Evan was pretty sure he wouldn’t hold it over his head if they put a halt on things right now. And that would be the rational thing to do, the proper military thing to do. But reason and propriety didn’t account for Sheppard’s unshaven jaw or the curves of his biceps or the look of lust in his eyes right now.
“You’re not making me do anything I don’t want to do,” Evan said, his breath staggered and heavy.
Sheppard ran his thumb against the line of Evan’s collarbone. “I mean it. I won’t be a jerk if you tell me to stop. I don’t want you to feel like I’m using my authority here.”
“You’re not.”
Sheppard gazed at Evan for several seconds, then he nodded and wordlessly pushed him against the door, snaking his hand up his shirt as he did so. Warm and calloused fingers ran their way along Evan’s spine while Sheppard lips descended upon his neck.
Evan had to will his knees not to give out on the spot. It had been a long time since anyone had touched him like that, so he closed his eyes and let the sensations flood over him. When this was all over, and the sun came up on another day, he might regret letting his desires lead him down this path. But for now, he could barely see straight, and he could care less about rank and procedure and protocol.
***
The next morning at breakfast, Evan tried to ignore Sheppard’s smug glances from across the mess hall. Parrish was sitting across from him, rambling on about some kind of rare flower and its medicinal properties. Whenever Sheppard eyes wandered over, Evan pretended to be engrossed by Parrish’s description of potential applications for the plant’s leaves. Every now and then, he would toss out an “uh huh” or a “no kidding” in hopes that Parrish would believe him to be rapt with attention.
“Are you listening?” Parrish said after about half an hour.
Evan glanced up and tried to plaster a serious expression on his face. “Yeah, Doc. Super-plant that makes really great ointment.”
Looking vaguely placated, Parrish continued, gesturing in the air as he talked.
Lunch went this way, too, except Parrish wasn’t around to distract him. Instead, he wound up plunking himself down at a table with Zelenka and a couple of physicists who seemed inordinately pleased that Evan remembered their names and specialties. The company was actually all right, as Evan rather liked Zelenka anyway. Still, every time he caught Sheppard’s gaze, Evan found himself desperately hoping Weir would summon him for some off-world milk run.
Surviving in the military closet had been a reality Evan had chosen to live with a long time ago, and he’d been pretty successful at it. As long as he was discreet and didn’t try to maintain anything too long-term, he was fine. He felt silly for feeling this ill at ease. It’s not like he hadn’t had a sexual thing with another officer before. Granted, it had never been his commanding officer before, but a man is a man, and the outcome of the wrong person discovering what he had gotten up to the previous night would be disastrous to his career either way.
He got to dinner later than usual after hiding in a mostly unused part of the city for the bulk of the afternoon and burying himself in paperwork. When he finally ventured into the mess hall and realized Sheppard was nowhere to be seen, he let out a long breath and grabbed a tray full of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, and green beans.
He’d barely had a chance to start shoveling potatoes into his mouth when Sheppard appeared from out of nowhere and slipped into a seat across from Evan.
“You avoiding me?” Sheppard asked.
Evan took a sip of water and said, “No sir. I’ve been wrapping up paperwork.”
Sheppard leaned his head against his hand and began to doodle on the table with his index finger. “I’m pretty sure you’re avoiding me.”
Skewering his fork into his mashed potatoes, Evan let out a breath. He glanced around the mess hall to see if they were being listened to, even though he knew that the only other person in the room was Chuck, and he was too far away to eavesdrop. “It’s just a little awkward,” he said.
“Doesn’t have to be.”
Turning his attention back to his dinner, Evan said, “You don’t think this is awkward?”
“Well, not before right now.” Sheppard shifted in his chair. “So I guess that was a one-time thing, then?”
Evan glanced toward Chuck, who was lost in his own dinner. Leaning closer to Sheppard, he whispered, “I don’t know. It should be, shouldn’t it?”
“Do you regret it?” Sheppard asked.
“No, I don’t regret it,” Evan said, shaking his head. “I just don’t know how smart it would be to keep it up.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I guess we shouldn’t risk it.” Sheppard slumped back in the chair. “Are we okay, though?”
“Absolutely.”
Sheppard slapped both hands down on the table in a gesture of finality. “Well, no worries, then,” he said. After a few moments, he pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. “Enjoy your dinner.”
***
Despite his claims to the contrary, Evan knew he was going to wind up back in bed with Sheppard again sooner or later.
“Sooner or later” translated into ten days following their first awkward morning after. It happened in Sheppard’s quarters this time. There was a time Evan would have never considered breeching his CO’s personal space unless it was for an emergency. But Evan knew he had to be the one to initiate something physical this time, because he was the one who had put the brakes on.
He didn’t bother to come up with an ulterior motive to explain his presence at Sheppard’s door that night, not even a vague sham of an excuse. When Sheppard opened the door, he was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and his hair was matted a bit. His jeans were unbuttoned as if they’d been hastily pulled on. Evan mused to himself that only Sheppard could make bed hair and old jeans look sexy.
Sheppard leaned against the doorframe, his head resting against his forearm. “Major. What brings you by?”
Evan licked his lips. “I wanted to talk. Did I interrupt anything?”
“Just me staring at the ceiling.” Sheppard took a step back to let Evan in. “Want a beer?”
Evan glanced up and down the hall, then he stepped inside Sheppard’s quarters. “Sure.”
After Sheppard retrieved a couple of beers, he handed Evan a bottle and plunked down on the sofa. Waving Evan over, he asked, “You gonna stand there or sit down?”
Letting out a breath, Evan slid into a seat next to Sheppard and smoothed out his pants. “This isn’t a good idea,” he said, taking a sip of beer.
“This?”
Evan cocked his head and gazed at Sheppard. “You’re gonna make this difficult, aren’t you?” He slipped his hand onto Sheppard’s knee and squeezed. “This.”
Sheppard glanced down at Evan’s hand but didn’t react otherwise. “The way I remember it, you had some misgivings the last time we went down this road.”
“I still do,” Evan said. “But I want it.”
Sheppard scooted a bit closer and slipped an arm around Evan’s waist. “If we do this, is there gonna be weirdness between us again tomorrow?”
Evan licked his lips. “I’m really sorry about that, John. It’s just… we’re taking a risk here. And when it comes to my career, I’m not much of a risk taker.”
Closing his eyes, Sheppard let out a breath. “Believe me, I know,” he said. “The risk is what kept me from approaching you earlier than I did.”
“I don’t want to leave the Air Force.”
“Neither do I,” Sheppard said, hunching forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “It’s all I know. It’s all I have.” After a few moment, he sat up and folded his arms across his chest. “You know,” he said. “If you think about it, being with each other is probably safer than hitting a bar every time we’re Earthside.”
“True,” Evan said. He tugged on his bottom lip.
“And it’s damn sure better than accepting a proposition in some sleazy tavern off-world.”
Evan raised an eyebrow. “Okay, you got propositioned off-world?”
“Not me,” Sheppard said with a grin. “Rodney did. Guy who looked a little like he’d rolled around in the mud before he came to the bar. But boy, he liked Rodney.”
“So Rodney’s...”
Sheppard shook his head. “No, which made it that much funnier. Made my whole day.”
Evan felt himself start to relax. He grabbed Sheppard by the wrist and tugged him closer. Sheppard took the hint and leaned in for a kiss. It was soft and tender this time, worlds different from the hurried, desperate kisses of their first time.
“We need to be careful,” Evan said.
As Sheppard pushed him down on the sofa, he whispered, “Careful is my middle name.”
***
They broke up one morning while they were getting dressed for their shifts. Sheppard usually didn’t stay the night, and on the rare occasions he did, he was up and out well before the halls filled with people.
That morning, they were late dragging themselves out of bed, which meant that people were already heading to their duty posts, and sneaking Sheppard out without some fresh-faced Marine seeing him was going to be damn near impossible.
Evan blamed himself. He should’ve pushed Sheppard out the door the night before at the first sign of drowsiness. And he damn sure shouldn’t let himself get so comfortable as he’d sat there enjoying the warmth and peace of Sheppard’s arms.
When things had first started between them, it had usually just been sex, but more and more frequently, there would be kissing and hugging and nuzzling just for the sake of connection and warmth. And to Evan this was much more dangerous than sex. A quick fuck he could handle, but this? This was more like a relationship, and that was treading on thorny territory. No matter how much he might want it.
“What are you pissed off about?” Sheppard sat on the edge of the bed and leaned down to tie the laces on his boots.
“I’m not pissed about anything,” Evan said, running his fingers through his short hair. “I’m just wondering what we’re gonna do if someone sees you leave.”
“I’m your CO,” Sheppard said with a shrug. “I’ll say I needed to talk to you about the duty roster before our shift.”
“It just seems reckless.”
Sheppard glanced up. “Relax, Evan. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.”
Evan tugged on his sleeves. “You shouldn’t have stayed the night.”
“You didn’t seem to mind.”
“We’re getting too comfortable,” Evan said. He paced back and forth, worrying his lip with his teeth.
“What’s wrong with comfortable?”
Letting out a breath, Evan sat down on the bed and leaned forward to rest his forearms against his knees. “We need to remember who we are, John,” he said. “We’re way past the casual mark here, and we can’t kid ourselves into thinking we can be more than that.”
Sheppard stood up and folded his arms across his chest. “I don’t want casual. Why don’t we just see where this is going and just enjoy the ride?”
“Because I know where we’re headed,” Evan said. “All it’s gonna take is for one person to see us and pitch a fit, and we’re done. ATA gene or not, we’re both expendable.”
For a while, Sheppard just stood there with his hands on his hips and stared at Evan. Finally, he said, “So… what? Does this mean we’re done?”
“Yeah, I think it does.”
“We’re just gonna end this. Just like that.”
Evan closed his eyes. “We don’t have a choice.”
“We always have a choice,” Sheppard said. Then he turned on his heel and walked brazenly into the hall.
***
“I miss you.”
Evan looked up from an impressive stack of paperwork to find Sheppard standing in front him, his hands buried deep in his pockets. He was fidgeting like he wanted to bolt out of the room.
They’d mostly avoided each other in the week since they-since Evan-had called it quits.
Placing his pen in the little black plastic cup that sat at the corner of his desk, Evan leaned back and let out a breath. “We talked about this,” he said. And they had talked about it. But as soon as Sheppard had disappeared into the hallway that morning, Evan had regretted everything they’d said to each other. Everything they hadn’t said.
Sheppard leaned forward and rested his weight on the balls of his hands. “Let’s talk about it again.”
“I’m still a Major in the Air Force,” Evan said. “And you’re still my CO. Nothing’s changed.”
“I think you’re scared.”
“Of course I’m scared,” Evan said. “I’ve been in the Air Force most of my adult life. I can’t gamble that that just to…”
“Get laid?” Sheppard said, his voice tense. “‘Cause I was thinking we were more than that.”
“We are. That’s the problem.”
Sheppard walked around the desk and rested a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “And that’s why I think you’re really scared. I think the possibility of what we might really be to each other scares you way more than getting caught.”
Evan closed his eyes. “I’m used to situations I can control. This? It’s like a runaway jumper hurtling toward a sun. Yeah, I’m terrified.”
“I won’t let anything happen to you,” Sheppard said. He started to need Evan’s muscle with his fingers. “We’ll figure it out.”
Evan swallowed and threaded his index finger through one of Sheppard’s belt loops. “I must be out of my mind.”
Sheppard smirked. “Maybe I’m rubbing off on you.”
“Maybe so,” Evan said with a smile.
“I guess we’re stuck with each other, then,” Sheppard said.
Standing up, Evan took Sheppard’s face in his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I guess so,” he said. This might not be the smartest decision of his career, but it was one of the few decisions he’d made in the last couple of decades that he felt completely sure about.
Master Fic List
***
Author: sheryden
Fandoms: Stargate: Atlantis
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: John Sheppard/Evan Lorne
Spoilers: Minor for "The Ark" (as the story starts at the end of that episode)
Word Count: 3332
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, which is quite sad, really.
Summary: John Sheppard and Evan Lorne struggle with being military officers in a burgeoning relationship with each other
Evan Lorne was pretty sure his CO was nuts. No, scratch that. He knew damn well John Sheppard was nuts. Maybe he wasn’t full on “put the guy in a straightjacket” crazy, but he had a screw loose somewhere. Of that, Evan was certain.
He knew all of this because sane men didn’t try to fly hundred-year-old shuttles out of dying moons. And they especially didn’t do this if they had never laid a finger on the controls of said shuttle. Granted, Teyla was trapped in that device, and Evan could understand Sheppard’s desire to save her. But his methodology was proof positive that he was nuts.
“I think you’re crazy, sir,” Evan said when Sheppard walked down the ramp of the jumper.
Sheppard smirked and folded his arms lazily across his chest. “Got it done, didn’t I, Major? Barely even broke a sweat.”
Evan grinned in spite of himself. “Yes, sir,” he conceded. He let his eyes travel over Sheppard’s body, giving him a cursory check for injuries. “And you seem to be in one piece, despite your best efforts.”
“You’re just jealous you didn’t get to fly the shuttle.”
Before Evan had a chance to reply, Rodney brushed by him, muttering something under his breath. Evan stepped out of the way to keep from getting mowed over and found himself literally colliding with an amused Sheppard.
Reaching his hands out, Sheppard caught Evan by the shoulders. “Take it easy, Major,” he said. “I’m an injured man here.”
“You look fine to me, sir,” Evan said, hoping his face wasn’t as red as he thought it was. He cleared his throat and grinned. “You could at least have the common decency to have a scratch.”
“I’ll probably have more than that once Weir gets a hold of me,” Sheppard said, wincing a bit at the thought. His hands lingered on Evan’s shoulders for a moment longer than necessary, then he smacked Evan on the back and said, “Let’s see about getting Teyla out of this thing.”
***
“Way to kick my ass, Major.”
Evan hunched forward and rested his weight against his knees. He was heaving gusts of air in and out in a way that reminded him of his asthmatic cousin, and he felt like he might pass out from lack of oxygen. It was worth it, though, to have bested the Colonel in their little post-mission sparring match. Grinning at Sheppard, he said, “Just luck, sir.”
Sheppard was on his back, one arm covering his eyes. “Can the modesty.” He sat up, groaning as he did so. “Teyla says you have natural ability.”
“Really?” Evan asked, arching an eyebrow. “She’s always telling me I’m easily distracted.”
Fanning himself, Sheppard said, “Yeah, well. Who can blame you?” He winked and stood unsteadily to his feet. “I feel like I’m an eighth-grader staring down Becky Winchell every time I step onto a mat with her.”
Smiling, Evan pulled his sweat-covered t-shirt away from his chest. “I’m way better at hand-to-hand than I am with those damn sticks,” he said. “The first time she tried to teach me those, I was black-and-blue for a week.”
Sheppard laughed and grasped at his side. “I hear you. I’ll take fists and flips any day.” He motioned Evan toward the locker room. “Let’s hit the showers.”
“Sounds good.” Evan trailed along behind Sheppard, who staggered slowly out of the gym area. “You okay, sir?”
“Yeah, I’ll survive,” Sheppard said. “I’m gonna be damn sore tomorrow, though. Shower’s gonna feel good.”
When they reached the locker room, Sheppard wrenched off his t-shirt and clutched it in his hands. He twisted his body back and forth, then stretched his arms upward.
Almost by reflex, Evan licked his lips. He let his gaze linger on Sheppard’s uncovered chest for a little longer than he probably should have, taking in hard lines and muscle that he usually didn’t get a chance to see. Most of the time, clothing masked Sheppard’s well-honed physique. Of course, that was probably a good thing. If Sheppard walked around shirtless all the time, people might start to notice Evan’s considerable and inappropriate interest in his commanding officer. And that was something Evan couldn’t afford.
Swallowing, Evan glued his eyes to the inside of his locker and tried to ignore the burning in his cheeks and the tingle that was running down his spine.
He had almost shaken off the feeling when he felt a sweaty t-shirt land against his face. Snagging it with one finger and tossing it onto the bench, he glared at Sheppard, who flashed his best innocent grin. “I really don’t want to smell your sweaty shirt, sir,” he said. “I have one of my own.”
“I can see,” Sheppard said. “Well, why don’t you lose it so we can take a shower?”
Evan smiled a bit too broadly and turned his eyes back to his locker. “You know what? I can wait. You go.”
“C’mon, Major,” Sheppard said with a smirk. “We’re both guys. And I’ll be a gentleman the whole time.” Turning to head toward the shower, he added, “Unless… you don’t want me to be a gentleman.”
***
Back in Evan’s quarters, Sheppard pulled back and gazed intently into blue eyes. “Major… Evan,” he said, his voice hushed. “If I’m doing anything you don’t want me to do, say the word, and I’ll stop. No repercussions. No worries.”
Evan bit his bottom lip. This was his out. John Sheppard was an honorable man, and Evan was pretty sure he wouldn’t hold it over his head if they put a halt on things right now. And that would be the rational thing to do, the proper military thing to do. But reason and propriety didn’t account for Sheppard’s unshaven jaw or the curves of his biceps or the look of lust in his eyes right now.
“You’re not making me do anything I don’t want to do,” Evan said, his breath staggered and heavy.
Sheppard ran his thumb against the line of Evan’s collarbone. “I mean it. I won’t be a jerk if you tell me to stop. I don’t want you to feel like I’m using my authority here.”
“You’re not.”
Sheppard gazed at Evan for several seconds, then he nodded and wordlessly pushed him against the door, snaking his hand up his shirt as he did so. Warm and calloused fingers ran their way along Evan’s spine while Sheppard lips descended upon his neck.
Evan had to will his knees not to give out on the spot. It had been a long time since anyone had touched him like that, so he closed his eyes and let the sensations flood over him. When this was all over, and the sun came up on another day, he might regret letting his desires lead him down this path. But for now, he could barely see straight, and he could care less about rank and procedure and protocol.
***
The next morning at breakfast, Evan tried to ignore Sheppard’s smug glances from across the mess hall. Parrish was sitting across from him, rambling on about some kind of rare flower and its medicinal properties. Whenever Sheppard eyes wandered over, Evan pretended to be engrossed by Parrish’s description of potential applications for the plant’s leaves. Every now and then, he would toss out an “uh huh” or a “no kidding” in hopes that Parrish would believe him to be rapt with attention.
“Are you listening?” Parrish said after about half an hour.
Evan glanced up and tried to plaster a serious expression on his face. “Yeah, Doc. Super-plant that makes really great ointment.”
Looking vaguely placated, Parrish continued, gesturing in the air as he talked.
Lunch went this way, too, except Parrish wasn’t around to distract him. Instead, he wound up plunking himself down at a table with Zelenka and a couple of physicists who seemed inordinately pleased that Evan remembered their names and specialties. The company was actually all right, as Evan rather liked Zelenka anyway. Still, every time he caught Sheppard’s gaze, Evan found himself desperately hoping Weir would summon him for some off-world milk run.
Surviving in the military closet had been a reality Evan had chosen to live with a long time ago, and he’d been pretty successful at it. As long as he was discreet and didn’t try to maintain anything too long-term, he was fine. He felt silly for feeling this ill at ease. It’s not like he hadn’t had a sexual thing with another officer before. Granted, it had never been his commanding officer before, but a man is a man, and the outcome of the wrong person discovering what he had gotten up to the previous night would be disastrous to his career either way.
He got to dinner later than usual after hiding in a mostly unused part of the city for the bulk of the afternoon and burying himself in paperwork. When he finally ventured into the mess hall and realized Sheppard was nowhere to be seen, he let out a long breath and grabbed a tray full of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, and green beans.
He’d barely had a chance to start shoveling potatoes into his mouth when Sheppard appeared from out of nowhere and slipped into a seat across from Evan.
“You avoiding me?” Sheppard asked.
Evan took a sip of water and said, “No sir. I’ve been wrapping up paperwork.”
Sheppard leaned his head against his hand and began to doodle on the table with his index finger. “I’m pretty sure you’re avoiding me.”
Skewering his fork into his mashed potatoes, Evan let out a breath. He glanced around the mess hall to see if they were being listened to, even though he knew that the only other person in the room was Chuck, and he was too far away to eavesdrop. “It’s just a little awkward,” he said.
“Doesn’t have to be.”
Turning his attention back to his dinner, Evan said, “You don’t think this is awkward?”
“Well, not before right now.” Sheppard shifted in his chair. “So I guess that was a one-time thing, then?”
Evan glanced toward Chuck, who was lost in his own dinner. Leaning closer to Sheppard, he whispered, “I don’t know. It should be, shouldn’t it?”
“Do you regret it?” Sheppard asked.
“No, I don’t regret it,” Evan said, shaking his head. “I just don’t know how smart it would be to keep it up.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I guess we shouldn’t risk it.” Sheppard slumped back in the chair. “Are we okay, though?”
“Absolutely.”
Sheppard slapped both hands down on the table in a gesture of finality. “Well, no worries, then,” he said. After a few moments, he pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. “Enjoy your dinner.”
***
Despite his claims to the contrary, Evan knew he was going to wind up back in bed with Sheppard again sooner or later.
“Sooner or later” translated into ten days following their first awkward morning after. It happened in Sheppard’s quarters this time. There was a time Evan would have never considered breeching his CO’s personal space unless it was for an emergency. But Evan knew he had to be the one to initiate something physical this time, because he was the one who had put the brakes on.
He didn’t bother to come up with an ulterior motive to explain his presence at Sheppard’s door that night, not even a vague sham of an excuse. When Sheppard opened the door, he was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and his hair was matted a bit. His jeans were unbuttoned as if they’d been hastily pulled on. Evan mused to himself that only Sheppard could make bed hair and old jeans look sexy.
Sheppard leaned against the doorframe, his head resting against his forearm. “Major. What brings you by?”
Evan licked his lips. “I wanted to talk. Did I interrupt anything?”
“Just me staring at the ceiling.” Sheppard took a step back to let Evan in. “Want a beer?”
Evan glanced up and down the hall, then he stepped inside Sheppard’s quarters. “Sure.”
After Sheppard retrieved a couple of beers, he handed Evan a bottle and plunked down on the sofa. Waving Evan over, he asked, “You gonna stand there or sit down?”
Letting out a breath, Evan slid into a seat next to Sheppard and smoothed out his pants. “This isn’t a good idea,” he said, taking a sip of beer.
“This?”
Evan cocked his head and gazed at Sheppard. “You’re gonna make this difficult, aren’t you?” He slipped his hand onto Sheppard’s knee and squeezed. “This.”
Sheppard glanced down at Evan’s hand but didn’t react otherwise. “The way I remember it, you had some misgivings the last time we went down this road.”
“I still do,” Evan said. “But I want it.”
Sheppard scooted a bit closer and slipped an arm around Evan’s waist. “If we do this, is there gonna be weirdness between us again tomorrow?”
Evan licked his lips. “I’m really sorry about that, John. It’s just… we’re taking a risk here. And when it comes to my career, I’m not much of a risk taker.”
Closing his eyes, Sheppard let out a breath. “Believe me, I know,” he said. “The risk is what kept me from approaching you earlier than I did.”
“I don’t want to leave the Air Force.”
“Neither do I,” Sheppard said, hunching forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “It’s all I know. It’s all I have.” After a few moment, he sat up and folded his arms across his chest. “You know,” he said. “If you think about it, being with each other is probably safer than hitting a bar every time we’re Earthside.”
“True,” Evan said. He tugged on his bottom lip.
“And it’s damn sure better than accepting a proposition in some sleazy tavern off-world.”
Evan raised an eyebrow. “Okay, you got propositioned off-world?”
“Not me,” Sheppard said with a grin. “Rodney did. Guy who looked a little like he’d rolled around in the mud before he came to the bar. But boy, he liked Rodney.”
“So Rodney’s...”
Sheppard shook his head. “No, which made it that much funnier. Made my whole day.”
Evan felt himself start to relax. He grabbed Sheppard by the wrist and tugged him closer. Sheppard took the hint and leaned in for a kiss. It was soft and tender this time, worlds different from the hurried, desperate kisses of their first time.
“We need to be careful,” Evan said.
As Sheppard pushed him down on the sofa, he whispered, “Careful is my middle name.”
***
They broke up one morning while they were getting dressed for their shifts. Sheppard usually didn’t stay the night, and on the rare occasions he did, he was up and out well before the halls filled with people.
That morning, they were late dragging themselves out of bed, which meant that people were already heading to their duty posts, and sneaking Sheppard out without some fresh-faced Marine seeing him was going to be damn near impossible.
Evan blamed himself. He should’ve pushed Sheppard out the door the night before at the first sign of drowsiness. And he damn sure shouldn’t let himself get so comfortable as he’d sat there enjoying the warmth and peace of Sheppard’s arms.
When things had first started between them, it had usually just been sex, but more and more frequently, there would be kissing and hugging and nuzzling just for the sake of connection and warmth. And to Evan this was much more dangerous than sex. A quick fuck he could handle, but this? This was more like a relationship, and that was treading on thorny territory. No matter how much he might want it.
“What are you pissed off about?” Sheppard sat on the edge of the bed and leaned down to tie the laces on his boots.
“I’m not pissed about anything,” Evan said, running his fingers through his short hair. “I’m just wondering what we’re gonna do if someone sees you leave.”
“I’m your CO,” Sheppard said with a shrug. “I’ll say I needed to talk to you about the duty roster before our shift.”
“It just seems reckless.”
Sheppard glanced up. “Relax, Evan. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.”
Evan tugged on his sleeves. “You shouldn’t have stayed the night.”
“You didn’t seem to mind.”
“We’re getting too comfortable,” Evan said. He paced back and forth, worrying his lip with his teeth.
“What’s wrong with comfortable?”
Letting out a breath, Evan sat down on the bed and leaned forward to rest his forearms against his knees. “We need to remember who we are, John,” he said. “We’re way past the casual mark here, and we can’t kid ourselves into thinking we can be more than that.”
Sheppard stood up and folded his arms across his chest. “I don’t want casual. Why don’t we just see where this is going and just enjoy the ride?”
“Because I know where we’re headed,” Evan said. “All it’s gonna take is for one person to see us and pitch a fit, and we’re done. ATA gene or not, we’re both expendable.”
For a while, Sheppard just stood there with his hands on his hips and stared at Evan. Finally, he said, “So… what? Does this mean we’re done?”
“Yeah, I think it does.”
“We’re just gonna end this. Just like that.”
Evan closed his eyes. “We don’t have a choice.”
“We always have a choice,” Sheppard said. Then he turned on his heel and walked brazenly into the hall.
***
“I miss you.”
Evan looked up from an impressive stack of paperwork to find Sheppard standing in front him, his hands buried deep in his pockets. He was fidgeting like he wanted to bolt out of the room.
They’d mostly avoided each other in the week since they-since Evan-had called it quits.
Placing his pen in the little black plastic cup that sat at the corner of his desk, Evan leaned back and let out a breath. “We talked about this,” he said. And they had talked about it. But as soon as Sheppard had disappeared into the hallway that morning, Evan had regretted everything they’d said to each other. Everything they hadn’t said.
Sheppard leaned forward and rested his weight on the balls of his hands. “Let’s talk about it again.”
“I’m still a Major in the Air Force,” Evan said. “And you’re still my CO. Nothing’s changed.”
“I think you’re scared.”
“Of course I’m scared,” Evan said. “I’ve been in the Air Force most of my adult life. I can’t gamble that that just to…”
“Get laid?” Sheppard said, his voice tense. “‘Cause I was thinking we were more than that.”
“We are. That’s the problem.”
Sheppard walked around the desk and rested a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “And that’s why I think you’re really scared. I think the possibility of what we might really be to each other scares you way more than getting caught.”
Evan closed his eyes. “I’m used to situations I can control. This? It’s like a runaway jumper hurtling toward a sun. Yeah, I’m terrified.”
“I won’t let anything happen to you,” Sheppard said. He started to need Evan’s muscle with his fingers. “We’ll figure it out.”
Evan swallowed and threaded his index finger through one of Sheppard’s belt loops. “I must be out of my mind.”
Sheppard smirked. “Maybe I’m rubbing off on you.”
“Maybe so,” Evan said with a smile.
“I guess we’re stuck with each other, then,” Sheppard said.
Standing up, Evan took Sheppard’s face in his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I guess so,” he said. This might not be the smartest decision of his career, but it was one of the few decisions he’d made in the last couple of decades that he felt completely sure about.
Master Fic List
***