hmm. I think that the argument piece could work (and it needs something like this in order to trigger the withdrawal, which I think is really important). Tightening up the action would help. The parts that work best for me re. tension are the ones that do more to combine the kissing with the affection, but without spending too long detailing John's thoughts:
John, nervous about missing their target, instead took Sherlock’s hand in his own, brushing his lips lightly against the back of it. Sherlock made a small noise, his fingers twitching in John’s grasp, but didn’t push it further.
I tuned out at It made John’s chest ache, made him feel heavy with the responsibility of being the person that genius of a madman had put all his hope into. because I feel like the tenderness of the gesture and Sherlock's restrained reaction to it say more than the more monologue-y bits. I think those tend to slow down the pacing in a way that turns me off.
Similarly, the dialogue pieces in the post-argument phase work better and seem faster for me than some of the musings re. Baskerville, and the physical description of Sherlock (starting around "Sherlock still looked like his arms were being twisted the wrong way about.") work better for me than the paragraph just before that.
An alternative might have the fic moving from the longer descriptions/slower meditations that are currently there throughout and into shorter and faster pieces to reflect upping the intensity of Sherlock's and John's emotions, if that makes sense. I think the disjunction toward the end between the pace and the intensity is part of what's throwing me.
hmm. I think that the argument piece could work (and it needs something like this in order to trigger the withdrawal, which I think is really important). Tightening up the action would help. The parts that work best for me re. tension are the ones that do more to combine the kissing with the affection, but without spending too long detailing John's thoughts:
John, nervous about missing their target, instead took Sherlock’s hand in his own, brushing his lips lightly against the back of it. Sherlock made a small noise, his fingers twitching in John’s grasp, but didn’t push it further.
I tuned out at It made John’s chest ache, made him feel heavy with the responsibility of being the person that genius of a madman had put all his hope into. because I feel like the tenderness of the gesture and Sherlock's restrained reaction to it say more than the more monologue-y bits. I think those tend to slow down the pacing in a way that turns me off.
Similarly, the dialogue pieces in the post-argument phase work better and seem faster for me than some of the musings re. Baskerville, and the physical description of Sherlock (starting around "Sherlock still looked like his arms were being twisted the wrong way about.") work better for me than the paragraph just before that.
An alternative might have the fic moving from the longer descriptions/slower meditations that are currently there throughout and into shorter and faster pieces to reflect upping the intensity of Sherlock's and John's emotions, if that makes sense. I think the disjunction toward the end between the pace and the intensity is part of what's throwing me.
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