Re: Concrit wanted
anonymous
July 29 2013, 17:34:06 UTC
The good news is someone is still following this post.
That said I wouldn't have chosen to read your story story if you hadn't requested concrit and I didn't finish it.
You need to think about who John is and where he is if you want to use him as a narrator or use a truly omniscient narrator. The odd flickering between John, Sherlock and omniscient made it easier to lose interest in the story.
An omniscient narrator would have made this blatant americanism easier as well. that you could still bounce a quarter on the tightly-made bed
Having Sherlock muse on "bouncing a quarter" is discordant and so early in the scene kills the atmosphere you're trying to build.
The reason I wouldn't have read it is an accurate judgement call on my part from the summary that I wouldn't enjoy the characterisation of Sherlock. My dislike of the characterisation is a personal preference but given that dislike I won't talk about characterisation of John or Sherlock.
All of that said it's a readable story without glaring lack of spellcheck that will find an eager audience.
Re: Concrit wantediwantthatcoatJuly 29 2013, 18:15:20 UTC
Sometimes, when using a specific phrase, one forgets something so simple as the fact that it is a freakin quarter...if one is an idiot. Thank you for pointing that out. Is there a similar expression for a military-style bedmaking in the UK? I thank you for getting as far as you did, since the characterization is not to your taste. Written for a prompt initially, but I attempted to go somewhere I wanted to explore with it. I was playing with shifting the narrator from scene to scene. Thought it would make it more interesting rather than less, but I see your point. Very helpful.
That said I wouldn't have chosen to read your story story if you hadn't requested concrit and I didn't finish it.
You need to think about who John is and where he is if you want to use him as a narrator or use a truly omniscient narrator. The odd flickering between John, Sherlock and omniscient made it easier to lose interest in the story.
An omniscient narrator would have made this blatant americanism easier as well.
that you could still bounce a quarter on the tightly-made bed
Having Sherlock muse on "bouncing a quarter" is discordant and so early in the scene kills the atmosphere you're trying to build.
The reason I wouldn't have read it is an accurate judgement call on my part from the summary that I wouldn't enjoy the characterisation of Sherlock. My dislike of the characterisation is a personal preference but given that dislike I won't talk about characterisation of John or Sherlock.
All of that said it's a readable story without glaring lack of spellcheck that will find an eager audience.
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I thank you for getting as far as you did, since the characterization is not to your taste. Written for a prompt initially, but I attempted to go somewhere I wanted to explore with it.
I was playing with shifting the narrator from scene to scene. Thought it would make it more interesting rather than less, but I see your point.
Very helpful.
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