Re: Two Strangers on a Train S/J PWP 2/2
anonymous
December 26 2012, 19:48:09 UTC
I don't write a lot of porn, so take everything I say here with a grain of salt.
I didn't have much trouble differentiating who was who, except for in this passage: The man moans and presses his forehead against John’s. He lets go of John making him moan and buck into the man’s thigh and the man press gentle kisses to the edges of John’s mouth. Pushing his trousers and boxers to his knees the man says, “We don’t need to. We can do this.” He wraps one big hand around both of them and jerks them. John’s eyes roll back and his head hits the door. “Like that” the man croons, his mouth moving over John’s neck. He bites down and John’s legs gave way. “May be not.” He laughs, a dark chuckle that makes John’s insides curl, letting go of them to hold John up. What don't they need to do? What's Sherlock suggesting? (What's "them" in the last sentence? The closest thing is "John's insides" but that's probably not it :P)
Hope that helped somewhat; good luck! I think the main thing that makes this feel clichéd is that you’re mostly describing what happens but not why. Since this is from John’s POV, readers will want more of an explanation of John’s motivations, especially because he doesn’t have any spoken lines here. There are actually a few places where you could explore this:
- He pulls John out of his seat ignoring the only other passenger’s scandalised look as he gropes John’s arse from behind. (There's another passenger here? What were they doing while Sherlock was groping John all this time? Was John thinking about the other passenger at all? Maybe it turns him on to know there's someone else, or maybe he's conflicted but swept along by Sherlock. Either way, what’s his state of mind?)
- If John was less aroused he would be wondering how many other people had done this here and what he could catch. (But he is thinking about it! This is an interesting avenue of inquiry. John’s a doctor, but also an adrenaline junkie - is the thought that other people have fucked in this place a turn-on or a turn-off? Did he hear Sherlock opening the condom packet, and what did he think about that? Also technically that should be "if John were less aroused". /subjunctive nerd.)
- Some small dark part of him is irrationally angry when the latex swallows the man’s come. (If he wanted Sherlock to come inside him, why? Is it a form of claiming - does he want Sherlock in particular to do it? Or is it indicative of some deeper problem John’s been experiencing - maybe he doesn’t feel wanted/needed and any stranger would have done? How does this desire come into conflict with his instincts about safety, etc?)
It’s up to you to figure out what kind of conflict John’s experiencing, and how that comes through in this sexual encounter. But once you settle on that I think the ending should suggest itself much more organically. Tell us about why John’s feeling used and ashamed. Is he feeling any anger towards Sherlock? Is it mostly the shame of having had a quick fuck in a public place (propriety) or does he feel disappointed that he wasn’t good enough for Sherlock to stick around (something more internal)?
Also, even though Sherlock’s POV doesn’t come into this at all, it’s worth sitting down and thinking about what drives Sherlock as well. Why does he come on to John in the carriage - why does he leave him alone after? This might help you figure out what John’s conflict should be.
Lastly, you didn’t ask for grammar/style advice but something that felt really jarring was your frequent use of sentence fragments. For example: - Elegant fingers moving surely across the screen. - Turning light circles over John’s pulse point occasional teasing sweeps coming out to brush over the pad of his thumb. Fragments are fine when used sparingly because they can mirror thought processes or lend something dramatic impact, but these feel awkward because they're trying to do the job of sentences. Also there are a fair number of dropped commas and apostrophes, and watch out for “looses”: I think the first should be “loosens” and the second should be “loses”.
I didn't have much trouble differentiating who was who, except for in this passage:
The man moans and presses his forehead against John’s. He lets go of John making him moan and buck into the man’s thigh and the man press gentle kisses to the edges of John’s mouth. Pushing his trousers and boxers to his knees the man says, “We don’t need to. We can do this.” He wraps one big hand around both of them and jerks them. John’s eyes roll back and his head hits the door. “Like that” the man croons, his mouth moving over John’s neck. He bites down and John’s legs gave way. “May be not.” He laughs, a dark chuckle that makes John’s insides curl, letting go of them to hold John up.
What don't they need to do? What's Sherlock suggesting? (What's "them" in the last sentence? The closest thing is "John's insides" but that's probably not it :P)
Hope that helped somewhat; good luck!
I think the main thing that makes this feel clichéd is that you’re mostly describing what happens but not why. Since this is from John’s POV, readers will want more of an explanation of John’s motivations, especially because he doesn’t have any spoken lines here. There are actually a few places where you could explore this:
- He pulls John out of his seat ignoring the only other passenger’s scandalised look as he gropes John’s arse from behind.
(There's another passenger here? What were they doing while Sherlock was groping John all this time? Was John thinking about the other passenger at all? Maybe it turns him on to know there's someone else, or maybe he's conflicted but swept along by Sherlock. Either way, what’s his state of mind?)
- If John was less aroused he would be wondering how many other people had done this here and what he could catch.
(But he is thinking about it! This is an interesting avenue of inquiry. John’s a doctor, but also an adrenaline junkie - is the thought that other people have fucked in this place a turn-on or a turn-off? Did he hear Sherlock opening the condom packet, and what did he think about that? Also technically that should be "if John were less aroused". /subjunctive nerd.)
- Some small dark part of him is irrationally angry when the latex swallows the man’s come.
(If he wanted Sherlock to come inside him, why? Is it a form of claiming - does he want Sherlock in particular to do it? Or is it indicative of some deeper problem John’s been experiencing - maybe he doesn’t feel wanted/needed and any stranger would have done? How does this desire come into conflict with his instincts about safety, etc?)
It’s up to you to figure out what kind of conflict John’s experiencing, and how that comes through in this sexual encounter. But once you settle on that I think the ending should suggest itself much more organically. Tell us about why John’s feeling used and ashamed. Is he feeling any anger towards Sherlock? Is it mostly the shame of having had a quick fuck in a public place (propriety) or does he feel disappointed that he wasn’t good enough for Sherlock to stick around (something more internal)?
Also, even though Sherlock’s POV doesn’t come into this at all, it’s worth sitting down and thinking about what drives Sherlock as well. Why does he come on to John in the carriage - why does he leave him alone after? This might help you figure out what John’s conflict should be.
Lastly, you didn’t ask for grammar/style advice but something that felt really jarring was your frequent use of sentence fragments. For example:
- Elegant fingers moving surely across the screen.
- Turning light circles over John’s pulse point occasional teasing sweeps coming out to brush over the pad of his thumb.
Fragments are fine when used sparingly because they can mirror thought processes or lend something dramatic impact, but these feel awkward because they're trying to do the job of sentences. Also there are a fair number of dropped commas and apostrophes, and watch out for “looses”: I think the first should be “loosens” and the second should be “loses”.
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/ I had a feeling it should have been were not was.
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