Re: Sherlock-is-Vanilla!Conversation, pt 2
anonymous
October 28 2012, 18:49:16 UTC
Ok: I'll put main comments at the end and anything to do with text alongside the relevant bit.
Despite appearances, Sherlock is rather a heavy weight on John's lap. John finds he doesn't really mind, not with Sherlock's hands tracing patterns in (on?) his skin and lips trailing over John's jawline. Everything is slowed down and muted, less frantic than their first time. Sherlock's hair tickles John's face, and his soft hums vibrate against John's skin.
It's lovely, John thinks. He feels warm and safe. Right now, he feels like he's the only thing in the world that matters. Sherlock lavishes attention on him, watching John's reactions with eyes wide in fascination. He smiles, more to himself than to John, and swipes his hand down John's chest or over his neck, fingers gently circling the scar on his shoulder.
Not sure if you mean 'or' over his neck? maybe and over his neck?
And it's lovely, John thinks, but for some reason he can't help but feel like a hammer is about to drop from out of the sky. That Sherlock is about to break out (maybe 'grow'? break out has connotations of spots, also you use 'break' again later in the sentence) teeth and talons and claw into him, hold him down and try to break him. And once John starts thinking about it he can't stop, and suddenly he's panicking again.
And Sherlock, he notices. Of course he does.
(Three of the last five sentences begin with 'and' I get you're potraying panic but it might work to vary it a bit?)
“What's wrong?” he asks, pulling back. John hates himself, hates the way his hands threaten to shake on Sherlock's skin and the rolling queasiness in his stomach. Deep down he knows he has nothing to worry about. At least, he thinks he doesn't. He really, really hopes he doesn't.
“John,” Sherlock says, rolling off onto the side (of the sofa - because Sherlock was on his lap? Otherwise I now have a vision tht Sherlock's fallen onto the floor!). “John, talk to me. What did I do wrong?”
“It's not that,” John breathes, closing his eyes. “You didn't do anything wrong.”
“Then what is it?” Sherlock asks. John palms at his eyes and tries to control his breathing.
“You-” he starts, then stops. “I just. I...”
“Whatever it is that you're not saying because you're worried it'll upset me,” Sherlock says. “Say it.”
John moves his hands and looks at him. Sherlock's expression is soft, inquisitive. There's a slight caution there, as though he's ready to turn off in an instant. John worries that if he blink(s), that careful blankness will be in place and John will have missed the transformation.
“I'm not sure if I'll be able to give you the things need,” he says in a rush.
Sherlock blinks at him. (You've just mentioned John blinking above - not sure if there's a different way to indicate Sherlock's comprehension to avoid the repitition?)
“What sort of... things, might I need that you won't be able to give me?” he asks. He looks genuinely confused, and it only makes John feel worse. He rubs his nose and looks away.
“Just,” John swallows. “I don't know. This can't be too exciting for you.”
Sherlock stares at him. John sighs and continues.
“If you're into pain or, or tying people up or - or beating your partner with a riding crop. Or whatever, then that's fine. I get that,” John says. “I'm just not sure if I'll be able to do that. I mean, I'll... I'll try. But. I don't know.”
Sherlock frowns. He looks away, eyes roaming in confusion before he turns back to John. Finally, he asks, “Why would I want to beat anyone with a riding crop?”
John swallows. “You beat a corpse with a riding crop.”
“So?” Sherlock asks.
“I just... assumed,” John says.
“You assumed that because I beat a corpse with a riding crop - once, and for work - that I'd be into, what? Sadomasochism? BDSM? Leather?”
(IDK but if Sherlock really is that vanilla I'm not sure if he'd mention the types of kinks by name...but then he is a detective so perhaps he would.)
Re: Sherlock-is-Vanilla!Conversation, pt 2
anonymous
October 28 2012, 19:05:00 UTC
OP
Oooh, thank you! I made the changes you suggested. I left Sherlock mentioning kinks by name because I think that, despite him being vanilla he'd still know they exist. It's more that he's just not interested. I'm not sure how clear that comes through, though. I'll have to fiddle with that.
Despite appearances, Sherlock is rather a heavy weight on John's lap. John finds he doesn't really mind, not with Sherlock's hands tracing patterns in (on?) his skin and lips trailing over John's jawline. Everything is slowed down and muted, less frantic than their first time. Sherlock's hair tickles John's face, and his soft hums vibrate against John's skin.
It's lovely, John thinks. He feels warm and safe. Right now, he feels like he's the only thing in the world that matters. Sherlock lavishes attention on him, watching John's reactions with eyes wide in fascination. He smiles, more to himself than to John, and swipes his hand down John's chest or over his neck, fingers gently circling the scar on his shoulder.
Not sure if you mean 'or' over his neck? maybe and over his neck?
And it's lovely, John thinks, but for some reason he can't help but feel like a hammer is about to drop from out of the sky. That Sherlock is about to break out (maybe 'grow'? break out has connotations of spots, also you use 'break' again later in the sentence) teeth and talons and claw into him, hold him down and try to break him. And once John starts thinking about it he can't stop, and suddenly he's panicking again.
And Sherlock, he notices. Of course he does.
(Three of the last five sentences begin with 'and' I get you're potraying panic but it might work to vary it a bit?)
“What's wrong?” he asks, pulling back. John hates himself, hates the way his hands threaten to shake on Sherlock's skin and the rolling queasiness in his stomach. Deep down he knows he has nothing to worry about. At least, he thinks he doesn't. He really, really hopes he doesn't.
“John,” Sherlock says, rolling off onto the side (of the sofa - because Sherlock was on his lap? Otherwise I now have a vision tht Sherlock's fallen onto the floor!). “John, talk to me. What did I do wrong?”
“It's not that,” John breathes, closing his eyes. “You didn't do anything wrong.”
“Then what is it?” Sherlock asks. John palms at his eyes and tries to control his breathing.
“You-” he starts, then stops. “I just. I...”
“Whatever it is that you're not saying because you're worried it'll upset me,” Sherlock says. “Say it.”
John moves his hands and looks at him. Sherlock's expression is soft, inquisitive. There's a slight caution there, as though he's ready to turn off in an instant. John worries that if he blink(s), that careful blankness will be in place and John will have missed the transformation.
“I'm not sure if I'll be able to give you the things need,” he says in a rush.
Sherlock blinks at him. (You've just mentioned John blinking above - not sure if there's a different way to indicate Sherlock's comprehension to avoid the repitition?)
“What sort of... things, might I need that you won't be able to give me?” he asks. He looks genuinely confused, and it only makes John feel worse. He rubs his nose and looks away.
“Just,” John swallows. “I don't know. This can't be too exciting for you.”
Sherlock stares at him. John sighs and continues.
“If you're into pain or, or tying people up or - or beating your partner with a riding crop. Or whatever, then that's fine. I get that,” John says. “I'm just not sure if I'll be able to do that. I mean, I'll... I'll try. But. I don't know.”
Sherlock frowns. He looks away, eyes roaming in confusion before he turns back to John. Finally, he asks, “Why would I want to beat anyone with a riding crop?”
John swallows. “You beat a corpse with a riding crop.”
“So?” Sherlock asks.
“I just... assumed,” John says.
“You assumed that because I beat a corpse with a riding crop - once, and for work - that I'd be into, what? Sadomasochism? BDSM? Leather?”
(IDK but if Sherlock really is that vanilla I'm not sure if he'd mention the types of kinks by name...but then he is a detective so perhaps he would.)
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Oooh, thank you! I made the changes you suggested. I left Sherlock mentioning kinks by name because I think that, despite him being vanilla he'd still know they exist. It's more that he's just not interested. I'm not sure how clear that comes through, though. I'll have to fiddle with that.
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