Anyone interested in giving crit to a Moriarty/Moran fic? tw: spanking, daddy kink (1/?)
anonymous
August 31 2012, 18:11:01 UTC
I've finally received an invitation to make an AO3 account and I wanted to post at least one fic I wrote but I don't have a beta to go over my work. Plus, I think I have a bit of a hard time grasping the characters and doing dialogue.
English is not my first language, so if anyone could critique this (SPAG, britpick, advice, anything) I'd be much appreciated! Don't be afraid to be completely honest and tell me what's horrible.
This is pretty much PWP with tw for spanking, daddy kink.
---
Jim knew he shouldn’t be touching, he had been warned against it but he was a curious lad and he couldn’t help but let his hands wander. He touched the bulky green bag, letting his fingers dance across the rough fabric and feeling the hard edges of what it concealed inside. Suddenly a noise was heard outside, his spine got rigid and his fingers quickly retreated, his whole body trembled in alert for a second, eyes fixed on the door as if he waited for it to be slammed open and a strict figure come out for him in anger, fully knowledgeable of what he had been doing behind the closed door.
That moment, however, never came. He backed away from the bag for a few minutes before he reached it again, resuming his touching. He finally released a resolute sigh and grinned to himself as he opened the bag and revealed the content inside of it. He had always thought of touching it but Sebastian never let him do it, too dangerous for him, he said. Jim was already dangerous for himself but that didn’t mean he had ever had gun training, much less with a sniper’s rifle. But he did want to touch one. He was mesmerized when he first saw one in action and Sebastian made it seem like yielding one was an art. His skilled fingers always knew where to touch even when he wasn’t looking, his hands caressed it and took care of it like it was his lover and Jim loved watching that.
He took one of its parts from inside the bag and carefully brought it close enough for his eyes’ scrutiny. He stared at it for a while before he took another part from the bag and stared at both of them, wondering if he’d be able to put all parts together. However, before he could spare another thought the door flung open and Sebastian really entered the room this time. Shocked, Jim let the metal parts in his hands fall on the floor and his eyes widened scared at Sebastian’s face, seeing an angry expression form on his face as he processed the information of Jim disobeying him, touching his rifle and letting parts of it fall on the floor.
Jim stumbled backwards when Sebastian lunged forward, his knees turning into jelly as soon as Sebastian’s hands encircled his wrists, gripping him hard. He immediately started spouting and babbling for forgiveness.
“Please, please… I’m sorry-- I didn’t… You have to forgive me…” he cried in a faked alarmed voice and Sebastian gripped his wrists with more force.
“That’s what you deserve for disobeying me, don’t you think?” Sebastian hissed in an irritated tone before tossing him onto the floor. Jim felt a dull pain when he fell on his back but he didn’t voice it out. “What did I told you about touching my rifle?”
Jim’s eyes trailed back to Sebastian’s and he gulped.
“Do you like to get punished?” Sebastian growled with menacing eyes and Jim shook his head, unable to tear his eyes from him. “No? I’m starting to think you do. What did I told you?”
“I…” Jim stammered with his mouth, his breath quickening as he felt at loss of what to say and ended up closing it.
Sebastian eyed him for good measure before turned on his heels and sat on the sofa. “Come.” He looked at Jim still on the floor and patted his lap. Jim swallowed dry and got up until he was in front of him. “You know what to do.” Sebastian sighed in annoyance and yanked him by his wrist, making him lay across his body, his front settled along Sebastian’s thighs.
Re: Anyone interested in giving crit to a Moriarty/Moran fic? tw: spanking, daddy kink (2/?)
anonymous
August 31 2012, 18:12:29 UTC
“You know what comes next, don’t you?” Sebastian’s firm voice accompanied his fingers tracing Jim’s spine and Jim shivered involuntarily.
“Yes” Jim nodded. “Sir.” He quickly added when Sebastian’s hand slid along his bottom.
“That’s not quite it, is it Jim?” he felt the strict tone reverberating in his ear and just as the right answer came across his mind his whole body tensed when a strong hand slapped against his arse, leaving a burning sensation with pain flourishing briefly at the contact like an electric shock. Before Sebastian got the chance for another slap, he said it loud in a hurry.
“Yes, Daddy!” The hand that was going to spank him again, rested again his bottom soothingly.
“And what do you know it comes next?” Sebastian’s voice came low and rough in his ear, making his thoughts mushy. He always loved that tone in Sebastian’s voice.
“Punishment.” He muttered under his breath, arousal prickling along his stomach as he rolled the word off his tongue.
“Why do you deserve punishment?”
“Because I touched your rifle when you said you didn’t like anyone touching it and you explicitly told me not to, also because it could be dangerous. I’m sorry… Forgive me.” Jim licked his lips nervously.
“While I do like how obedient you are now, you still deserve punishment for what you did. I can’t have you walk off on things just because you apologized.” Sebastian caressed his hair, voice filled with a sweet laced tone to it.
Jim let a little whine out from his throat. “Please…” he begged even though he didn’t mean it. He looked over his shoulder to see Sebastian looking at him with his lips curved a little bit upward.
“How many do you think you deserve?” Sebastian looked pensive for a while before his gaze focused again. “How about fifty?”
Jim stared at him with a pleading look. “Please, Daddy not--” his voice was cut off with a yelp when Sebastian’s hands collided against his arse roughly again. “Daddy…” his breath hitched in his throat and his whole body tingled with arousal, he felt his groin twitch in interested despite his arse didn’t especially like the abuse. It hurt but he wanted more.
“You are not counting, Jim.” Sebastian slapped him across his bottom again.
“One!” Jim started counting immediately.
“Two!” this one felt particularly harder.
“Three!” he gasped, hands clutching the nearest pillow.
“Four!” he squeezed his eyes shut trembling.
“Five!” Sebastian’s hand stroked his abused skin through the fabric of his trousers. The only sound in the room was Jim’s ragged breath.
“Hmm” Sebastian mused after a few seconds. “I don’t think this is a real punishment if you can’t feel it on your skin. Up.” He ordered.
Jim gingerly pulled himself up again, his knees protesting a bit from the uncomfortable position he had been. He quickly disposed of his trousers and was on his way to finish unbuttoning his shirt when Sebastian gripped his hands for the third time.
“Leave it on. What I really want you to take off are these.” Sebastian tugged down on his pants and helped him getting out of them. Jim suddenly felt very naked to the other man’s eyes in his obvious state of arousal, so he kept staring at his discarded pants, pretending to be embarrassed. He felt his eyes linger on his front with a smirk pulling up his lips and then rest again at his face. “Lay down again.” And Jim did.
“It isn’t even red yet, much less pink.” Sebastian snorted. “All that whining, I actually thought I was doing some work.” He stared at the firm, round muscle covered in smooth pale skin in front of him and cupped it in appreciation.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.” Jim spoke softly, the touch on his arse making all the nerves on his back very alert and sensitive.
“We still have time to fix this, don’t we?” Sebastian kissed the pale skin, feeling it tremble under his lips. “Don’t forget to keep counting.”
Jim nodded at the order and gripped the pillow in his hands again, waiting for another blow. “Six!” He moaned hotly when it finally rippled against his skin.
Re: Anyone interested in giving crit to a Moriarty/Moran fic? tw: spanking, daddy kink (3/?)
anonymous
August 31 2012, 18:13:14 UTC
Sebastian’s hands continued to punish Jim. Every blow felt harder than the previous one as his skin got more abused and every blow made his cock brush on the fabric of Sebastian’s trousers, making him squirm a little with his mouth hanging open on arousal as he moaned another number. His body felt trapped between pain and pleasure, mixing up all the signals that had to do with both stimuli, mingling into an indescribable feeling in his gut and all he knew was that he wanted more, to feel more of his skin on fire and alive. Whenever Jim felt he couldn’t take any longer, the hands would stroke his bottom, relieving the pain a little bit before they continued punishing him until he couldn’t distinguish pleasure from pain anymore. When Sebastian’s hands finally came to a stop, his skin felt oversensitive and on fire, like every little touch had tenfold of its pressure. His arse looked reddish-pink all over and Jim stifled a sniff, huffed breathing, red cheeks and eyes watery, arousal at his peak between his legs. “Daddy…” he looked up and blinked, a small tear escaping from the corner of his big eyes.
“Shhh… You did well. You are such a good boy, Jim.” Sebastian wiped the salty tear from his boyish face and sat him up carefully on his lap. Jim winced and stifled a whine at the contact of his abused skin with the rough denim fabric. It burnt and it hurt. His arms encircled Sebastian’s neck and he nuzzled on his shoulder, resting his head there.
“Don’t worry, it’s all over now.” Sebastian’s hands rested on his upper thighs, caressing the flesh beneath his fingers in a soothing manner, making Jim relax content against him. “Did you learn your lesson?”
“Yes, Daddy. I promise I’ll never touch it again without your permission.” Jim reassured him in a small carefully toned down voice, nuzzling more against the neck in front of him when Sebastian’s hands travelled along his body, sliding along his back.
“Are you ready for your reward now?” Jim gave an enthusiastic nod and Sebastian’s hands gripped on his sides, pulling him away from his body a little. He planted a soft kiss on Jim’s temple before finding his lips with his.
Jim mewled at the touch of Sebastian’s mouth on his, hungrily lapping at his lips as his hands clutched on the back of Sebastian’s t-shirt. “More, Daddy, please” Jim pleaded with a needy voice and he choked back a sob when Sebastian’s hands fisted his forgotten erection between his thighs, shivering and buckling his hips at the sensation.
“Oh Daddy” Jim closed his eyes lost in sensation. He moaned when Sebastian nipped at his lower lip, sucking on the tender flesh before nibbling between his teeth, making it redder.
“You cry so beautifully, Jim.” Sebastian spoke into his mouth before kissing him again, this time more fiercely and Jim hugged him by his neck as he fretted against the fist encircling him. It felt like madness and madness suited Jim, he could feel himself losing control to the sensations of Sebastian’s hands deliciously entrapping him in tight heat. Every shift of his hips only sent more sparks of intense feeling along his body and made his mind spiral downwards.
Jim stopped his hips with a painful gasp and parted away from the kiss, hands clutching Sebastian’s shoulders. His movements were making the friction between his red arse cheeks and the other man’s trousers unbearable now. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt Sebastian’s lips trying to kiss him better all over his face but Jim would never stop being greedy.
“Why don’t you let Daddy do all the work, hm?” Sebastian murmured before biting on his earlobe.
Jim nodded and relaxed against his strong body, letting his hands take care of him. Sebastian’s mouth latched onto his neck, leaving a trail of bruising kisses behind, marking him as he resumed his jerking on Jim’s cock. It leaked and twitched sensitive at every lingering caress on other parts of Jim’s body and making the contact of Sebastian’s expert hand even more pleasurable. Sebastian’s other hand brushed Jim’s shirt away and found a nipple, tweaking it with his thumb and forefinger. Jim yelped, more cries coming out of his mouth as time went by, his thighs trembled and sweat began to break onto his forehead.
Re: Anyone interested in giving crit to a Moriarty/Moran fic? tw: spanking, daddy kink (4/4)
anonymous
August 31 2012, 18:14:46 UTC
His cheeks flushed and he trashed against Sebastian’s body out of control, he was so near already. “Oh, fuck Seb--” he choked on his words when Sebastian gave him a final slap across his thighs, very near the aching flesh and Jim couldn’t take it anymore. He closed his eyes, throwing his head back as he felt a strong orgasm ripple through him, his whole body convulsing and twitching as he rode it out, slowing his hips to a full stop before he regained a bit of consciousness and let his head rest against Sebastian’s chest, out of breath.
“You are such a good boy, Jim.” Sebastian spoke when Jim seemed to finally calm down a bit and brought his hand sticky with body fluids to Jim’s lips. Jim smirked and Sebastian watched as he lazily licked his fingers clean, tongue flattening against his lean fingers and eyes almost closed in pleasure as he tasted himself. Jim could be truly devilish when he wanted to.
Sebastian shifted a bit on his seat, obviously painfully aroused by now, but enduring it like a good soldier. After the little naughty display his arms wrapped Jim closer to his body warmth.
“I’m not paid enough for this.” Sebastian sighed and made himself a bit more comfortable against the sofa, a lazy playful smile on his lips.
“I think you are paid enough.” Jim pushed on his chest, lifting his head until he was levelled with Sebastian’s own. “Of course if you aren’t satisfied, I think we can work something else.” He cupped the front of Sebastian’s jeans and licked his lips when he saw Sebastian’s eyes get dark with lust again.
English is not my first language, so if anyone could critique this (SPAG, britpick, advice, anything) I'd be much appreciated! Don't be afraid to be completely honest and tell me what's horrible.
This is pretty much PWP with tw for spanking, daddy kink.
---
Jim knew he shouldn’t be touching, he had been warned against it but he was a curious lad and he couldn’t help but let his hands wander. He touched the bulky green bag, letting his fingers dance across the rough fabric and feeling the hard edges of what it concealed inside. Suddenly a noise was heard outside, his spine got rigid and his fingers quickly retreated, his whole body trembled in alert for a second, eyes fixed on the door as if he waited for it to be slammed open and a strict figure come out for him in anger, fully knowledgeable of what he had been doing behind the closed door.
That moment, however, never came. He backed away from the bag for a few minutes before he reached it again, resuming his touching. He finally released a resolute sigh and grinned to himself as he opened the bag and revealed the content inside of it. He had always thought of touching it but Sebastian never let him do it, too dangerous for him, he said. Jim was already dangerous for himself but that didn’t mean he had ever had gun training, much less with a sniper’s rifle. But he did want to touch one. He was mesmerized when he first saw one in action and Sebastian made it seem like yielding one was an art. His skilled fingers always knew where to touch even when he wasn’t looking, his hands caressed it and took care of it like it was his lover and Jim loved watching that.
He took one of its parts from inside the bag and carefully brought it close enough for his eyes’ scrutiny. He stared at it for a while before he took another part from the bag and stared at both of them, wondering if he’d be able to put all parts together. However, before he could spare another thought the door flung open and Sebastian really entered the room this time. Shocked, Jim let the metal parts in his hands fall on the floor and his eyes widened scared at Sebastian’s face, seeing an angry expression form on his face as he processed the information of Jim disobeying him, touching his rifle and letting parts of it fall on the floor.
Jim stumbled backwards when Sebastian lunged forward, his knees turning into jelly as soon as Sebastian’s hands encircled his wrists, gripping him hard. He immediately started spouting and babbling for forgiveness.
“Please, please… I’m sorry-- I didn’t… You have to forgive me…” he cried in a faked alarmed voice and Sebastian gripped his wrists with more force.
“That’s what you deserve for disobeying me, don’t you think?” Sebastian hissed in an irritated tone before tossing him onto the floor. Jim felt a dull pain when he fell on his back but he didn’t voice it out. “What did I told you about touching my rifle?”
Jim’s eyes trailed back to Sebastian’s and he gulped.
“Do you like to get punished?” Sebastian growled with menacing eyes and Jim shook his head, unable to tear his eyes from him. “No? I’m starting to think you do. What did I told you?”
“I…” Jim stammered with his mouth, his breath quickening as he felt at loss of what to say and ended up closing it.
Sebastian eyed him for good measure before turned on his heels and sat on the sofa. “Come.” He looked at Jim still on the floor and patted his lap. Jim swallowed dry and got up until he was in front of him. “You know what to do.” Sebastian sighed in annoyance and yanked him by his wrist, making him lay across his body, his front settled along Sebastian’s thighs.
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“Yes” Jim nodded. “Sir.” He quickly added when Sebastian’s hand slid along his bottom.
“That’s not quite it, is it Jim?” he felt the strict tone reverberating in his ear and just as the right answer came across his mind his whole body tensed when a strong hand slapped against his arse, leaving a burning sensation with pain flourishing briefly at the contact like an electric shock. Before Sebastian got the chance for another slap, he said it loud in a hurry.
“Yes, Daddy!” The hand that was going to spank him again, rested again his bottom soothingly.
“And what do you know it comes next?” Sebastian’s voice came low and rough in his ear, making his thoughts mushy. He always loved that tone in Sebastian’s voice.
“Punishment.” He muttered under his breath, arousal prickling along his stomach as he rolled the word off his tongue.
“Why do you deserve punishment?”
“Because I touched your rifle when you said you didn’t like anyone touching it and you explicitly told me not to, also because it could be dangerous. I’m sorry… Forgive me.” Jim licked his lips nervously.
“While I do like how obedient you are now, you still deserve punishment for what you did. I can’t have you walk off on things just because you apologized.” Sebastian caressed his hair, voice filled with a sweet laced tone to it.
Jim let a little whine out from his throat. “Please…” he begged even though he didn’t mean it. He looked over his shoulder to see Sebastian looking at him with his lips curved a little bit upward.
“How many do you think you deserve?” Sebastian looked pensive for a while before his gaze focused again. “How about fifty?”
Jim stared at him with a pleading look. “Please, Daddy not--” his voice was cut off with a yelp when Sebastian’s hands collided against his arse roughly again. “Daddy…” his breath hitched in his throat and his whole body tingled with arousal, he felt his groin twitch in interested despite his arse didn’t especially like the abuse. It hurt but he wanted more.
“You are not counting, Jim.” Sebastian slapped him across his bottom again.
“One!” Jim started counting immediately.
“Two!” this one felt particularly harder.
“Three!” he gasped, hands clutching the nearest pillow.
“Four!” he squeezed his eyes shut trembling.
“Five!” Sebastian’s hand stroked his abused skin through the fabric of his trousers. The only sound in the room was Jim’s ragged breath.
“Hmm” Sebastian mused after a few seconds. “I don’t think this is a real punishment if you can’t feel it on your skin. Up.” He ordered.
Jim gingerly pulled himself up again, his knees protesting a bit from the uncomfortable position he had been. He quickly disposed of his trousers and was on his way to finish unbuttoning his shirt when Sebastian gripped his hands for the third time.
“Leave it on. What I really want you to take off are these.” Sebastian tugged down on his pants and helped him getting out of them. Jim suddenly felt very naked to the other man’s eyes in his obvious state of arousal, so he kept staring at his discarded pants, pretending to be embarrassed. He felt his eyes linger on his front with a smirk pulling up his lips and then rest again at his face. “Lay down again.” And Jim did.
“It isn’t even red yet, much less pink.” Sebastian snorted. “All that whining, I actually thought I was doing some work.” He stared at the firm, round muscle covered in smooth pale skin in front of him and cupped it in appreciation.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.” Jim spoke softly, the touch on his arse making all the nerves on his back very alert and sensitive.
“We still have time to fix this, don’t we?” Sebastian kissed the pale skin, feeling it tremble under his lips. “Don’t forget to keep counting.”
Jim nodded at the order and gripped the pillow in his hands again, waiting for another blow. “Six!” He moaned hotly when it finally rippled against his skin.
Reply
“Shhh… You did well. You are such a good boy, Jim.” Sebastian wiped the salty tear from his boyish face and sat him up carefully on his lap. Jim winced and stifled a whine at the contact of his abused skin with the rough denim fabric. It burnt and it hurt. His arms encircled Sebastian’s neck and he nuzzled on his shoulder, resting his head there.
“Don’t worry, it’s all over now.” Sebastian’s hands rested on his upper thighs, caressing the flesh beneath his fingers in a soothing manner, making Jim relax content against him. “Did you learn your lesson?”
“Yes, Daddy. I promise I’ll never touch it again without your permission.” Jim reassured him in a small carefully toned down voice, nuzzling more against the neck in front of him when Sebastian’s hands travelled along his body, sliding along his back.
“Are you ready for your reward now?” Jim gave an enthusiastic nod and Sebastian’s hands gripped on his sides, pulling him away from his body a little. He planted a soft kiss on Jim’s temple before finding his lips with his.
Jim mewled at the touch of Sebastian’s mouth on his, hungrily lapping at his lips as his hands clutched on the back of Sebastian’s t-shirt. “More, Daddy, please” Jim pleaded with a needy voice and he choked back a sob when Sebastian’s hands fisted his forgotten erection between his thighs, shivering and buckling his hips at the sensation.
“Oh Daddy” Jim closed his eyes lost in sensation. He moaned when Sebastian nipped at his lower lip, sucking on the tender flesh before nibbling between his teeth, making it redder.
“You cry so beautifully, Jim.” Sebastian spoke into his mouth before kissing him again, this time more fiercely and Jim hugged him by his neck as he fretted against the fist encircling him. It felt like madness and madness suited Jim, he could feel himself losing control to the sensations of Sebastian’s hands deliciously entrapping him in tight heat. Every shift of his hips only sent more sparks of intense feeling along his body and made his mind spiral downwards.
Jim stopped his hips with a painful gasp and parted away from the kiss, hands clutching Sebastian’s shoulders. His movements were making the friction between his red arse cheeks and the other man’s trousers unbearable now. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt Sebastian’s lips trying to kiss him better all over his face but Jim would never stop being greedy.
“Why don’t you let Daddy do all the work, hm?” Sebastian murmured before biting on his earlobe.
Jim nodded and relaxed against his strong body, letting his hands take care of him. Sebastian’s mouth latched onto his neck, leaving a trail of bruising kisses behind, marking him as he resumed his jerking on Jim’s cock. It leaked and twitched sensitive at every lingering caress on other parts of Jim’s body and making the contact of Sebastian’s expert hand even more pleasurable. Sebastian’s other hand brushed Jim’s shirt away and found a nipple, tweaking it with his thumb and forefinger. Jim yelped, more cries coming out of his mouth as time went by, his thighs trembled and sweat began to break onto his forehead.
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“You are such a good boy, Jim.” Sebastian spoke when Jim seemed to finally calm down a bit and brought his hand sticky with body fluids to Jim’s lips. Jim smirked and Sebastian watched as he lazily licked his fingers clean, tongue flattening against his lean fingers and eyes almost closed in pleasure as he tasted himself. Jim could be truly devilish when he wanted to.
Sebastian shifted a bit on his seat, obviously painfully aroused by now, but enduring it like a good soldier. After the little naughty display his arms wrapped Jim closer to his body warmth.
“I’m not paid enough for this.” Sebastian sighed and made himself a bit more comfortable against the sofa, a lazy playful smile on his lips.
“I think you are paid enough.” Jim pushed on his chest, lifting his head until he was levelled with Sebastian’s own. “Of course if you aren’t satisfied, I think we can work something else.” He cupped the front of Sebastian’s jeans and licked his lips when he saw Sebastian’s eyes get dark with lust again.
He was sure they could work something out.
The End.
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