Molly/Irene 5/5 TW: dubious content bordering on non-con, drugged sex
anonymous
August 26 2012, 11:42:14 UTC
“Please.”
Her eyes have been closed for what seems like an eternity, thoughts pressing hard against her skull. Prominent among them is, ‘how the fuck am I going to get out?’ and after that it’s just a slow building terror. She’s not in control. She can’t… deal with this. She’s going to go mad, and then she’s going to wind up with a bullet between her eyes.
So, she’s pretty sure she imagines the word that’s said.
Until it’s said again.
“Please, Irene.”
Her eyes open. She’s got her knees pulled up to her chest (and has been fighting the urge to rock back and forth for some time) and at her feet is Molly Hooper.
She’s already gone mad.
“Can’t you…” Molly’s eyes are still black as the night, subsumed with arousal. Clearly Irene hasn’t had her eyes shut for as long as she thinks. The girl evidently can’t finish the sentence; Irene is so utterly taken back that she can do little more than stare at the brunette at her feet, virtually begging to be… dominated. No. She won’t. She can’t. This is playing into Moriarty’s hands. This is… she’s not quite sure what it is, but it’s not good, or even remotely in the ballpark of safe, sane, consensual. Molly shudders. She does a lot of that. Then, she leans upward, trembling hands gripping at Irene’s knees, and Molly’s kissing her again. It’s a poor imitation of Irene’s previous kiss, designed to be slow and sweet, but it’s a thousand times more sincere. The girl breaks away, drawing back slightly - Irene thinks she’s going to go away completely, but she hovers right in front of the dominatrix’s face and whispers, “Please?”
No, it's not good, but it's real. Molly is real.
She wants that.
When the older woman reaches down to cup her sex, she finds the girl damp. Fingers digging slightly into the thin cotton of Molly's underwear, she swallows all the girl's panted begging in a bruising kiss.
“Yes,” she murmurs against Molly's perfect lips, “I know what you need, Miss Hooper.” The formality induces a pleasant moan; Molly hesitantly thrusts at her fingers, her hips jerking forward beautifully. “Do you like my fingers pressing against you?”
“Yes,” Molly sighs, eyes glassy and unfocused.
“Yes, Ms Adler.” Irene twists at her nipple to jolt her from her daze, and, as Molly bucks and groans, she starts to feel the first stirrings of arousal again.
“Y-yes, Ms Adler.” It's a breathy exhale. Molly stares at her wonderingly, big brown eyes wide.
“Good girl.”
It only takes a minute of rubbing at her clit to make her come undone, and Irene wants to sear every expression Molly makes into her mind. Her fluttering eyes, the way her entire face tenses just before she comes, the glazed slackness of her mouth afterwards - the older woman had been right; Molly's mouth does look delectable in a perfect 'O' of surprise.
Irene props them up against a corner, draws Molly up into her lap, and holds her as the girl blinks blearily. She falls asleep soon after. Post-coital cuddling is not something the dominatrix does on principle, but it helps to keep away the aching fear.
Re: Molly/Irene 5/5 TW: dubious content bordering on non-con, drugged sexgoseawardAugust 28 2012, 09:05:28 UTC
A few things:
- A copyeditor would be helpful here--there are a few typos/mistakes here and there. I mean, not a lot of them, but look into dialogue capitalization, affect/effect, punctuation of parentheticals, etc.
- Banish the epithets! ("The older woman," for example--that's more distracting than just saying Irene again.)
- Something seems a bit odd to me about Irene's voice in this. It's from her POV, obviously, but some of her thoughts seem a little...for the benefit of an audience? Like at the beginning when she measures the room in feet, and then thinks it's a relic of her childhood in America. She probably doesn't think about her childhood every time she thinks of the dimensions of a room, right? She just eyeballs the distance and knows what it is. You do have to walk a fine line of not confusing the reader but still making it plausible, and right now I think a lot of the story is a little over-explained in that sense.
I would also say on a characterization level that I'm not sure I agree with Irene's hesitancy here, but that's a lot more subjective--if it's how your Irene would do it, then don't change it.
- I do think you need another scene--or else to start this piece in a different place. You started when Irene woke up in the cell (based on the fact that we see her catalog her surroundings), which carries with it a kind of implicit promise: we'll stay with Irene until she leaves the cell, or until it becomes clear that that won't be happening for a while. Instead it seems like rescue will happen soon but we never see it. You could change this either by adding more to this story or by tweaking the beginning so we come in the middle: Irene's been in the cell for a little while, then Molly is dumped in on her partway through, for example; or make it more clear that Irene has been awake for a while, but is waiting for Molly to awaken as well.
Re: Molly/Irene 5/5 TW: dubious content bordering on non-con, drugged sexgoseawardAugust 28 2012, 16:42:49 UTC
I mean, as a general rule, I think anything is worth polishing and publishing if it's within your ability to get it where you want it to be. :D In this case there's some work to be done, so I guess the question is--do you think you'd learn anything from making changes, or do you feel like you'd just be banging your head against a wall? And even if making changes feels a bit unproductive, do you want the feedback/kudos/whatever enough to do it anyway?
Her eyes have been closed for what seems like an eternity, thoughts pressing hard against her skull. Prominent among them is, ‘how the fuck am I going to get out?’ and after that it’s just a slow building terror. She’s not in control. She can’t… deal with this. She’s going to go mad, and then she’s going to wind up with a bullet between her eyes.
So, she’s pretty sure she imagines the word that’s said.
Until it’s said again.
“Please, Irene.”
Her eyes open. She’s got her knees pulled up to her chest (and has been fighting the urge to rock back and forth for some time) and at her feet is Molly Hooper.
She’s already gone mad.
“Can’t you…” Molly’s eyes are still black as the night, subsumed with arousal. Clearly Irene hasn’t had her eyes shut for as long as she thinks. The girl evidently can’t finish the sentence; Irene is so utterly taken back that she can do little more than stare at the brunette at her feet, virtually begging to be… dominated. No. She won’t. She can’t. This is playing into Moriarty’s hands. This is… she’s not quite sure what it is, but it’s not good, or even remotely in the ballpark of safe, sane, consensual. Molly shudders. She does a lot of that. Then, she leans upward, trembling hands gripping at Irene’s knees, and Molly’s kissing her again. It’s a poor imitation of Irene’s previous kiss, designed to be slow and sweet, but it’s a thousand times more sincere. The girl breaks away, drawing back slightly - Irene thinks she’s going to go away completely, but she hovers right in front of the dominatrix’s face and whispers, “Please?”
No, it's not good, but it's real. Molly is real.
She wants that.
When the older woman reaches down to cup her sex, she finds the girl damp. Fingers digging slightly into the thin cotton of Molly's underwear, she swallows all the girl's panted begging in a bruising kiss.
“Yes,” she murmurs against Molly's perfect lips, “I know what you need, Miss Hooper.” The formality induces a pleasant moan; Molly hesitantly thrusts at her fingers, her hips jerking forward beautifully. “Do you like my fingers pressing against you?”
“Yes,” Molly sighs, eyes glassy and unfocused.
“Yes, Ms Adler.” Irene twists at her nipple to jolt her from her daze, and, as Molly bucks and groans, she starts to feel the first stirrings of arousal again.
“Y-yes, Ms Adler.” It's a breathy exhale. Molly stares at her wonderingly, big brown eyes wide.
“Good girl.”
It only takes a minute of rubbing at her clit to make her come undone, and Irene wants to sear every expression Molly makes into her mind. Her fluttering eyes, the way her entire face tenses just before she comes, the glazed slackness of her mouth afterwards - the older woman had been right; Molly's mouth does look delectable in a perfect 'O' of surprise.
Irene props them up against a corner, draws Molly up into her lap, and holds her as the girl blinks blearily. She falls asleep soon after. Post-coital cuddling is not something the dominatrix does on principle, but it helps to keep away the aching fear.
She keeps a vigil.
Reply
- A copyeditor would be helpful here--there are a few typos/mistakes here and there. I mean, not a lot of them, but look into dialogue capitalization, affect/effect, punctuation of parentheticals, etc.
- Banish the epithets! ("The older woman," for example--that's more distracting than just saying Irene again.)
- Something seems a bit odd to me about Irene's voice in this. It's from her POV, obviously, but some of her thoughts seem a little...for the benefit of an audience? Like at the beginning when she measures the room in feet, and then thinks it's a relic of her childhood in America. She probably doesn't think about her childhood every time she thinks of the dimensions of a room, right? She just eyeballs the distance and knows what it is. You do have to walk a fine line of not confusing the reader but still making it plausible, and right now I think a lot of the story is a little over-explained in that sense.
I would also say on a characterization level that I'm not sure I agree with Irene's hesitancy here, but that's a lot more subjective--if it's how your Irene would do it, then don't change it.
- I do think you need another scene--or else to start this piece in a different place. You started when Irene woke up in the cell (based on the fact that we see her catalog her surroundings), which carries with it a kind of implicit promise: we'll stay with Irene until she leaves the cell, or until it becomes clear that that won't be happening for a while. Instead it seems like rescue will happen soon but we never see it. You could change this either by adding more to this story or by tweaking the beginning so we come in the middle: Irene's been in the cell for a little while, then Molly is dumped in on her partway through, for example; or make it more clear that Irene has been awake for a while, but is waiting for Molly to awaken as well.
Best of luck!
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Can I ask you one thing though: do you think it's worth polishing and publishing?
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