Looking for a bit of advice/critique of my WIP
anonymous
June 29 2012, 11:52:48 UTC
It's meant to be a largely funny piece involving some character/relationship introspection, but instead it's the other bloody way around.
Basic premise is it's established relationship Mycroft/Lestrade and Mycroft takes Lestrade up to visit Mummy Holmes for a week. This turns out to be not a good idea.
I'd be sincerely appreciative if someone even took the time to just read the first chapter (of two, currently) and give me some feedback as to whether it's... you know, well written, in character, interesting, etc.
Trying to work on third chapter, but the plot is beginning to feel stale, and I'm wondering if I shouldn't cut it down from 7 chapters to about 4/5.
Any advice/criticism you could give me would be gratefully received! Don't feel like you need to sugar-coat it: I'm an editor, I understand the need to cut, revise, etc. Whether or not I actually do it in my work without prompting is another matter...
(Also, "Show deaddss"? Mycroft, what are you smoking?)
Re: Looking for a bit of advice/critique of my WIP
anonymous
July 2 2012, 09:47:15 UTC
Okey-doke! Characterisation etc seems fine to me - it's funny, it's sweet, the dialogue is great.
1) The main problem seems to be that there are way too many words - did you realise that there are nearly two thousand words just describing the car journey? It's hard to pick out obvious sentences to delete as they're all good, but I think you really need to be brutal in pruning them away so that the important ones can stand out.
Take the beginning. That's a great first sentence, but the rest of the first three paragraphs is forgettable and distracts from that lovely opening hook. If you delete them (apart from the first sentence) and start the second paragraph with 'The night Mycroft returned from Cornwall, dinner had been a quiet affair', then it's much punchier. The necessary bits of information can be slipped in later.
2) I'm not sure about POV - are there a couple of slips into omnniscient narrator? 'and he should probably start from the beginning' and 'And, shut up, he had every right to be a dramatic ponce about it'. Is he addressing the reader? Sorry, I'm not great at the technical terms. Anyway, something about it feels odd.
3) Minor points - 'babe' is an unlikely term of endearment for Brit, 'Ay' is a bit too regional for a Londoner, and you've put 'fourties'.
Good luck! You have my sympathy; I hate murdering darlings.
Basic premise is it's established relationship Mycroft/Lestrade and Mycroft takes Lestrade up to visit Mummy Holmes for a week. This turns out to be not a good idea.
I'd be sincerely appreciative if someone even took the time to just read the first chapter (of two, currently) and give me some feedback as to whether it's... you know, well written, in character, interesting, etc.
I've posted it up on AO3, here's the link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/414570/chapters/688742
Trying to work on third chapter, but the plot is beginning to feel stale, and I'm wondering if I shouldn't cut it down from 7 chapters to about 4/5.
Any advice/criticism you could give me would be gratefully received! Don't feel like you need to sugar-coat it: I'm an editor, I understand the need to cut, revise, etc. Whether or not I actually do it in my work without prompting is another matter...
(Also, "Show deaddss"? Mycroft, what are you smoking?)
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1) The main problem seems to be that there are way too many words - did you realise that there are nearly two thousand words just describing the car journey? It's hard to pick out obvious sentences to delete as they're all good, but I think you really need to be brutal in pruning them away so that the important ones can stand out.
Take the beginning. That's a great first sentence, but the rest of the first three paragraphs is forgettable and distracts from that lovely opening hook. If you delete them (apart from the first sentence) and start the second paragraph with 'The night Mycroft returned from Cornwall, dinner had been a quiet affair', then it's much punchier. The necessary bits of information can be slipped in later.
2) I'm not sure about POV - are there a couple of slips into omnniscient narrator? 'and he should probably start from the beginning' and 'And, shut up, he had every right to be a dramatic ponce about it'. Is he addressing the reader? Sorry, I'm not great at the technical terms. Anyway, something about it feels odd.
3) Minor points - 'babe' is an unlikely term of endearment for Brit, 'Ay' is a bit too regional for a Londoner, and you've put 'fourties'.
Good luck! You have my sympathy; I hate murdering darlings.
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