life, or something like it.
well... here goes nothing.
I'm moving!
I'm moving to 4325 Irish Hills Drive in South Bend, Indiana on or around December 1st.
The date is still tentative because of my job and what have you, but as of right now, it's looking as though I will be out of this tiny crap chute state within the next three weeks.
There's alot that frightens me. I've kept it all bottled inside. until now.
I need to vent it, explode it, scream it... and type it all out for me to stare at. and think about. and panic about some more.
1. Josh. I am absolutely head over heels for the kid. BUT. I don't know him very well. Not as well as I'd like to for someone that I've been seeing for roughly the past three months. granted, I'm sure that this has alot to do with this being a long distance relationship, but we talk on the phone so much every single day that I feel almost silly to say that I don't know him very well. But truth is, I don't. Not enough to uproot my entire existence and everything I've ever known... but how will I ever know or come to know him unless I go?? hm... conundrum.
2. Job. I have a transfer put in with my company. however, they are unable to transfer me in at my current position, pay rate and same benefits. in essence, I'm losing all of my tenure that I've spent the last four years with that shitty company creating for myself. I make really decent money here, well above company average for my position, and to be knocked back from a Full Time Senior Assistant Manager to a Part Time Sales Associate is the dumbest fucking move I could ever make. However, I've been looking to get out of the company for a while anyways, so this is my excuse to be looking for a more serious full time job with another company. I just know that I'm going to be broke until I find one... I've been saving up money to pay my bills (roughly about $500 a month in back debts between my car note, insurance, cell phone and loans) but its not nearly enough. Ugh. But I need to do this! I'll find full tie employment somewhere out there I'm sure... I hope.
3. Family. My parents aren't kids anymore. They are older and not getting any healthier, as my father is a diabetic and my mom is like 40% disabled. It scares me to leave them, after all, I am their only kid, their only daughter to boot, and although we have our moments - I have a very awesome relationship with my parents. I'm not so much scared for me missing them as I am for them missing me. Not to sound cocky, but my parent's entire world revolves around me. I know its going to spiral my mother further into a depression than she already is and its going to crush my father because I'm daddy's little girl. :-/
4. Friends. I'm scared to leave mine, to have to make new ones & to be terribly alone. I don't want Josh to be my only friend - I know we will get burnt out on one another very quickly if thats the case, but I hate meeting new people. I have an amazing support system here and just thinking about abandoning ship and leaving all my friends behind makes me cry.
Aside from my fears, which are perfectly natural I keep reassuring myself, there are alot of positives that I see. I have alot of old ghosts and demons here. As much as I know running from my problems doesn't solve them, perhaps escaping them for a while helps alleviate the guilt/regret I feel about alot of the decisions I have hastily made. I also just want to see the world. Living in a place completely out of my element and from what I'm used to will provide me with life experience that I wouldn't get any other way.
I also am excited to see how my relationship is going to pan out with Joshua. He very well could be my last boyfriend ever. I'm already so stupid, head over heels (and heels over head hehe) for him, that I think if things continue to go the way that they go... that this really could be it... I hope.
Then again... he could just be another notch in my bedpost. I've been known to jump head first into things not thinking them through. I could be a complete bad judge of character. I could go out there and get violently murdered... Who knows?
I'm thinking more towards the first than the latter but I'd be a fool not to admit that this whole thing could crash and burn and I could end up moving back home within a few weeks or months... maybe even days.
I'm growing up. I'm 22. I've decided its now or fucking never to take charge of my life. So here's my first big executive decision... I'm moving to South Bend, IN to be with my one & only love... and hopefully find happiness and adventure and everything in between in the mean time.
Won't you come visit? :)
I'm moving!
I'm moving to 4325 Irish Hills Drive in South Bend, Indiana on or around December 1st.
The date is still tentative because of my job and what have you, but as of right now, it's looking as though I will be out of this tiny crap chute state within the next three weeks.
There's alot that frightens me. I've kept it all bottled inside. until now.
I need to vent it, explode it, scream it... and type it all out for me to stare at. and think about. and panic about some more.
1. Josh. I am absolutely head over heels for the kid. BUT. I don't know him very well. Not as well as I'd like to for someone that I've been seeing for roughly the past three months. granted, I'm sure that this has alot to do with this being a long distance relationship, but we talk on the phone so much every single day that I feel almost silly to say that I don't know him very well. But truth is, I don't. Not enough to uproot my entire existence and everything I've ever known... but how will I ever know or come to know him unless I go?? hm... conundrum.
2. Job. I have a transfer put in with my company. however, they are unable to transfer me in at my current position, pay rate and same benefits. in essence, I'm losing all of my tenure that I've spent the last four years with that shitty company creating for myself. I make really decent money here, well above company average for my position, and to be knocked back from a Full Time Senior Assistant Manager to a Part Time Sales Associate is the dumbest fucking move I could ever make. However, I've been looking to get out of the company for a while anyways, so this is my excuse to be looking for a more serious full time job with another company. I just know that I'm going to be broke until I find one... I've been saving up money to pay my bills (roughly about $500 a month in back debts between my car note, insurance, cell phone and loans) but its not nearly enough. Ugh. But I need to do this! I'll find full tie employment somewhere out there I'm sure... I hope.
3. Family. My parents aren't kids anymore. They are older and not getting any healthier, as my father is a diabetic and my mom is like 40% disabled. It scares me to leave them, after all, I am their only kid, their only daughter to boot, and although we have our moments - I have a very awesome relationship with my parents. I'm not so much scared for me missing them as I am for them missing me. Not to sound cocky, but my parent's entire world revolves around me. I know its going to spiral my mother further into a depression than she already is and its going to crush my father because I'm daddy's little girl. :-/
4. Friends. I'm scared to leave mine, to have to make new ones & to be terribly alone. I don't want Josh to be my only friend - I know we will get burnt out on one another very quickly if thats the case, but I hate meeting new people. I have an amazing support system here and just thinking about abandoning ship and leaving all my friends behind makes me cry.
Aside from my fears, which are perfectly natural I keep reassuring myself, there are alot of positives that I see. I have alot of old ghosts and demons here. As much as I know running from my problems doesn't solve them, perhaps escaping them for a while helps alleviate the guilt/regret I feel about alot of the decisions I have hastily made. I also just want to see the world. Living in a place completely out of my element and from what I'm used to will provide me with life experience that I wouldn't get any other way.
I also am excited to see how my relationship is going to pan out with Joshua. He very well could be my last boyfriend ever. I'm already so stupid, head over heels (and heels over head hehe) for him, that I think if things continue to go the way that they go... that this really could be it... I hope.
Then again... he could just be another notch in my bedpost. I've been known to jump head first into things not thinking them through. I could be a complete bad judge of character. I could go out there and get violently murdered... Who knows?
I'm thinking more towards the first than the latter but I'd be a fool not to admit that this whole thing could crash and burn and I could end up moving back home within a few weeks or months... maybe even days.
I'm growing up. I'm 22. I've decided its now or fucking never to take charge of my life. So here's my first big executive decision... I'm moving to South Bend, IN to be with my one & only love... and hopefully find happiness and adventure and everything in between in the mean time.
Won't you come visit? :)