Ugh
It's been forever since I posted something here. Bleh.
The thought of failing this psych eval again is making my stomach curdle. The fact that I am hearing horror stories about the evaluator isn't helping. I hate this. I hope the job is worth it, because if I fail this one, I am NOT going to spend the $300+ it will take to appeal it. I can't go through this stress again. Well, I can, but I just don't have any desire to. The stress is all self-induced. I know this. I am well aware of my own mental handicaps and how I tend to sabotage my own success.
I am down to two weeks to write twenty missions and I haven't even started. No research. Nothing. And the stress of this job thing is going to drag on until at least next weekend, if not longer.
Failure is in letting myself down...letting down those who actually believe in me....letting down those I might be able to help and those who I enjoy working with every day. What if I am psychologically unsuited to do this job?
Yeah. What if? So what? Aren't there plenty of other jobs out there that will challenge me? Something NOT administrative. God, how did I get stuck doing something so tedious, so dull, so monotonous, so mind-numbing. No wonder my cholesterol is so high...why I've got a beer gut that threatens to trip me...why my energy level is so low and why my self-esteem is just as bottom-of-the-barrel. I am 44 years old and I am stuck in a job that bores me to tears.
How did this happen? I was supposed to be making films and doing what I love doing. I was supposed to matter in some small way...add something to the universe...inject some small piece of me into a universe that doesn't really give a rat's ass one way or the other.
I was supposed to be able to do anything I set my mind to...be whatever I wanted to be. Why was that all a lie? And why must my future hinge on the personal impressions of people who have no idea who I am, but think 1000 questions can tell them?
Bleh.
I still have another 28 millenial minutes left until I can crawl back to my cave.
Bleh, I say!
The thought of failing this psych eval again is making my stomach curdle. The fact that I am hearing horror stories about the evaluator isn't helping. I hate this. I hope the job is worth it, because if I fail this one, I am NOT going to spend the $300+ it will take to appeal it. I can't go through this stress again. Well, I can, but I just don't have any desire to. The stress is all self-induced. I know this. I am well aware of my own mental handicaps and how I tend to sabotage my own success.
I am down to two weeks to write twenty missions and I haven't even started. No research. Nothing. And the stress of this job thing is going to drag on until at least next weekend, if not longer.
Failure is in letting myself down...letting down those who actually believe in me....letting down those I might be able to help and those who I enjoy working with every day. What if I am psychologically unsuited to do this job?
Yeah. What if? So what? Aren't there plenty of other jobs out there that will challenge me? Something NOT administrative. God, how did I get stuck doing something so tedious, so dull, so monotonous, so mind-numbing. No wonder my cholesterol is so high...why I've got a beer gut that threatens to trip me...why my energy level is so low and why my self-esteem is just as bottom-of-the-barrel. I am 44 years old and I am stuck in a job that bores me to tears.
How did this happen? I was supposed to be making films and doing what I love doing. I was supposed to matter in some small way...add something to the universe...inject some small piece of me into a universe that doesn't really give a rat's ass one way or the other.
I was supposed to be able to do anything I set my mind to...be whatever I wanted to be. Why was that all a lie? And why must my future hinge on the personal impressions of people who have no idea who I am, but think 1000 questions can tell them?
Bleh.
I still have another 28 millenial minutes left until I can crawl back to my cave.
Bleh, I say!