An odd (and hopefully brief) urge
I am feeling in full fight-or-flight mode at the moment and for many reasons. Actually, I am more in flight mode...tired of fighting the typical lack of stability in work life, the lack of motivation in creative life, the lack of desire in personal life...the lack. I'm tired of it.
I don't know how to have a stable work environment unless I work for myself, and that isn't an option at this time or in this economy. I don't know how to motivate myself to write on spec any longer. Why bother? I don't know how to want another person in my life on a romantic level. Honestly, I really don't feel like I WANT someone to share my life with. I am not a sharing person, or rather, I am a controlling person and I don't want someone who wants to be controlled, but any other path leads to discord, so again, why bother?
Oh, I know all the arguments for and the ones against. Right now, I'm just in a place where solitude, the total erasure of abject stupidity in humanity and a desire for rationality are all so desperately needed. However, I don't see ANY of that occurring, so...I need to figure out a way to adapt and accept that which I cannot control.
Fuck.
Updates, because I need to see exactly where I stand:
School: Not going to take the summer class : Bible as Literature. I need to read for entertainment and the bible in no way is an entertaining read for me.
Fever: An idea that has several directors interested in the story and wanting to read the script. Problem: I have lost interest in writing it. My (poor) writing partner, Eric, is waiting on a first draft from me to go over and polish. He might be waiting for some time, because I just cannot wrap my head around finishing this thing...and I really should. My head won't shut up and I feel somewhat schizophrenic on this, part of me yelling at myself to just plow through it and the other part saying that I have no right to tell a story like this. Just shoot me now, please.
EVE: Interested in freelance writing for them, but suddenly losing interest in the game itself. I sometimes feel so lost in this game that I just don't even want to try to figure out what I'm doing. There is a completely irrational fear of losing everything and, while I CAN die, I can never really lose everything, so I am not sure what the deal is.
Life: Took myself off the Lipitor. Why should I have to worry about my liver exploding just on the off chance that my cholesterol levels might cause my heart to seize? Why must we always seem to have to trade one way to die for another? Western medicine is making less and less sense to me every day.
Music: Beginning to really like the music of my father's generation. I always liked jazz, just never really explored it deeply. Modern music bores me silly. Give me some Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Duke Ellington, Nina Simone. Heck, throw me some Rush, Eagles, Queen and Foreigner while you're at it. Give me the film scores of the 70s and 80s, maybe some of the 90s, but keep the 2000s away from me. They are either dull as crap or poor attempts at retro. Where is the musical voice of this generation? Where are The Doors or the Beatles of the 2000s? (God, please don't tell me it's Brittany Spears or Miley Cyrus? While I am sure they are both interesting people...
Anyway...enough ranting for now. Back to the tedium that is my job. At least I have a job. Lucky me.
I don't know how to have a stable work environment unless I work for myself, and that isn't an option at this time or in this economy. I don't know how to motivate myself to write on spec any longer. Why bother? I don't know how to want another person in my life on a romantic level. Honestly, I really don't feel like I WANT someone to share my life with. I am not a sharing person, or rather, I am a controlling person and I don't want someone who wants to be controlled, but any other path leads to discord, so again, why bother?
Oh, I know all the arguments for and the ones against. Right now, I'm just in a place where solitude, the total erasure of abject stupidity in humanity and a desire for rationality are all so desperately needed. However, I don't see ANY of that occurring, so...I need to figure out a way to adapt and accept that which I cannot control.
Fuck.
Updates, because I need to see exactly where I stand:
School: Not going to take the summer class : Bible as Literature. I need to read for entertainment and the bible in no way is an entertaining read for me.
Fever: An idea that has several directors interested in the story and wanting to read the script. Problem: I have lost interest in writing it. My (poor) writing partner, Eric, is waiting on a first draft from me to go over and polish. He might be waiting for some time, because I just cannot wrap my head around finishing this thing...and I really should. My head won't shut up and I feel somewhat schizophrenic on this, part of me yelling at myself to just plow through it and the other part saying that I have no right to tell a story like this. Just shoot me now, please.
EVE: Interested in freelance writing for them, but suddenly losing interest in the game itself. I sometimes feel so lost in this game that I just don't even want to try to figure out what I'm doing. There is a completely irrational fear of losing everything and, while I CAN die, I can never really lose everything, so I am not sure what the deal is.
Life: Took myself off the Lipitor. Why should I have to worry about my liver exploding just on the off chance that my cholesterol levels might cause my heart to seize? Why must we always seem to have to trade one way to die for another? Western medicine is making less and less sense to me every day.
Music: Beginning to really like the music of my father's generation. I always liked jazz, just never really explored it deeply. Modern music bores me silly. Give me some Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Duke Ellington, Nina Simone. Heck, throw me some Rush, Eagles, Queen and Foreigner while you're at it. Give me the film scores of the 70s and 80s, maybe some of the 90s, but keep the 2000s away from me. They are either dull as crap or poor attempts at retro. Where is the musical voice of this generation? Where are The Doors or the Beatles of the 2000s? (God, please don't tell me it's Brittany Spears or Miley Cyrus? While I am sure they are both interesting people...
Anyway...enough ranting for now. Back to the tedium that is my job. At least I have a job. Lucky me.