boys, pft.
this journal is supposed to be about me and what goes on in my life. so if i happen to write about an ex boyfriend it would be appropriate& i shouldn't be scared the wrong person would read it.
ryan is like a drug to me and i give in. not anymore. all a girl wants is to be wanted. i suppose i felt like he wanted me, in a way. boys play games and im so tired of it. the summer is such relief to me because i don't have to see him. when i do i have a tendency to stare and the more staring i do the more infatuated i get with him. i'm by no means stupid but when it comes to him i just don't use the common sense i have or much less think at all. nobody else i know of would date him so i don't know why i want to. &&&he always finds the worst parts about me and points them out. yes, its a fact that everyone has their weak points and some things i don't like about myself either.. do we have to point them out to me? for what? to make me feel like shit on the ground? he's my "type" so im attracted to him but its annoying and disgusting how he's attracted to me. he told me once when we were in the middle of a discussion about a friends with benefits relationship that all we BOTH want to do is have sex so why not? i had it in my head that he was a little different and didn't constantly think like that but who am i kidding? i don't want to have sex with him. i don't want him to get naked. i don't want him touching me and i don't even want to touch him. i just want to be wanted, that's all. any girl with principals and who has respect for herself would put her needs before pleasing her eh boyfriend. i firmly believe that but i gave in one time and i hate myself for it. he got his way and i hate that too. the whole experience was acceptable at the time but its so horrible how i caved in and did what he wanted. he also drove me to the point of trying to make myself change. which i did. and i stopped being such a negative bitch & yes that's good but the fact he can have that kind of power over me is not where i want to be. im nervous and i bite my nails but now im a cheerleader? i don't care to elaborate but he does plays a part into everything. i'll always want a boyfriend or a boyfriend figure around but i know in my head that i cant. im not prepared for the type of commitment it requires. im prepared for HIM to give it to me but i do it on my terms which isn't fair. ryan didn't even call me, and someone who doesn't call you doesn't deserve commitment. its so sick too. i trusted him and everything. he claimed ALL THE TIME he loved me but i asked him what he thought love was and he couldn't give me an answer. because he doesn't know so the whole time it was one big lie. who wants to believe in a lie? i know what love is, where you can hit someone hard. like, if i know something about a person and i ran around screaming their secret, they would be hurt. that's love. how utterly simple. he doesn't understand love so why do i need to commit to him and give in effort to a relationship that will never go anywhere except hurt me? i cant hurt him if i tried. i never wanted to because one i have respect for his feelings and two im not that mean, but you cant hurt someone if they don't give a shit. with ryan im a different person then i am around a bunch of other boys and my awesome friend steph. im a person who i actually like around them and with ryan im usually a mess. sometimes i even picked him over heather. again, i cant think clearly when he's around. best friend who's always there for me or ryan. i even told him that but he doesn't say anything except nodding. what kind of jackass cant even mutter a word but has to nod? time can take care of everything and yeah, he did say a lot of the right things but i know more then him. i have crushes and im sure he does too. last time we spoke he was pissed and i tried to make it ok but that was my mistake. on the other hand so many things came out of his mouth and they were aimed to hurt me. and they did. its so unfair because all i really want is to be wanted and all he really wants is for me to rip my pants off. i think in the beginning he really wanted something but i think he never wanted it from me. so he tried his best to take advantage of me and was 75% there. i can only take so much as a person and he pushed me so far over the edge i should have fallen months and months ago. everything happens for a reason though, im still figuring out the reason. i only liked him because he's a dork. who wears my brand. and there's so much more to a relationship then my turn-on's so therefor im declaring myself nieve. i got early lessons on life and im booksmart but i still have more to learn. it's just confusing to me why ryan was the one to teach it to me. ryan who considers "shit faced drunk" is a couple of sips of vodka and soda.
i'm in a ranting mood. thx.
ryan is like a drug to me and i give in. not anymore. all a girl wants is to be wanted. i suppose i felt like he wanted me, in a way. boys play games and im so tired of it. the summer is such relief to me because i don't have to see him. when i do i have a tendency to stare and the more staring i do the more infatuated i get with him. i'm by no means stupid but when it comes to him i just don't use the common sense i have or much less think at all. nobody else i know of would date him so i don't know why i want to. &&&he always finds the worst parts about me and points them out. yes, its a fact that everyone has their weak points and some things i don't like about myself either.. do we have to point them out to me? for what? to make me feel like shit on the ground? he's my "type" so im attracted to him but its annoying and disgusting how he's attracted to me. he told me once when we were in the middle of a discussion about a friends with benefits relationship that all we BOTH want to do is have sex so why not? i had it in my head that he was a little different and didn't constantly think like that but who am i kidding? i don't want to have sex with him. i don't want him to get naked. i don't want him touching me and i don't even want to touch him. i just want to be wanted, that's all. any girl with principals and who has respect for herself would put her needs before pleasing her eh boyfriend. i firmly believe that but i gave in one time and i hate myself for it. he got his way and i hate that too. the whole experience was acceptable at the time but its so horrible how i caved in and did what he wanted. he also drove me to the point of trying to make myself change. which i did. and i stopped being such a negative bitch & yes that's good but the fact he can have that kind of power over me is not where i want to be. im nervous and i bite my nails but now im a cheerleader? i don't care to elaborate but he does plays a part into everything. i'll always want a boyfriend or a boyfriend figure around but i know in my head that i cant. im not prepared for the type of commitment it requires. im prepared for HIM to give it to me but i do it on my terms which isn't fair. ryan didn't even call me, and someone who doesn't call you doesn't deserve commitment. its so sick too. i trusted him and everything. he claimed ALL THE TIME he loved me but i asked him what he thought love was and he couldn't give me an answer. because he doesn't know so the whole time it was one big lie. who wants to believe in a lie? i know what love is, where you can hit someone hard. like, if i know something about a person and i ran around screaming their secret, they would be hurt. that's love. how utterly simple. he doesn't understand love so why do i need to commit to him and give in effort to a relationship that will never go anywhere except hurt me? i cant hurt him if i tried. i never wanted to because one i have respect for his feelings and two im not that mean, but you cant hurt someone if they don't give a shit. with ryan im a different person then i am around a bunch of other boys and my awesome friend steph. im a person who i actually like around them and with ryan im usually a mess. sometimes i even picked him over heather. again, i cant think clearly when he's around. best friend who's always there for me or ryan. i even told him that but he doesn't say anything except nodding. what kind of jackass cant even mutter a word but has to nod? time can take care of everything and yeah, he did say a lot of the right things but i know more then him. i have crushes and im sure he does too. last time we spoke he was pissed and i tried to make it ok but that was my mistake. on the other hand so many things came out of his mouth and they were aimed to hurt me. and they did. its so unfair because all i really want is to be wanted and all he really wants is for me to rip my pants off. i think in the beginning he really wanted something but i think he never wanted it from me. so he tried his best to take advantage of me and was 75% there. i can only take so much as a person and he pushed me so far over the edge i should have fallen months and months ago. everything happens for a reason though, im still figuring out the reason. i only liked him because he's a dork. who wears my brand. and there's so much more to a relationship then my turn-on's so therefor im declaring myself nieve. i got early lessons on life and im booksmart but i still have more to learn. it's just confusing to me why ryan was the one to teach it to me. ryan who considers "shit faced drunk" is a couple of sips of vodka and soda.
i'm in a ranting mood. thx.