cant even describe it.....
so i thought i was tired...since i have to work at 7 a.m and its now 2 a.m.....uth-oh
I just cant stop thinking about this and I figured I might have one deep live journal entry....prepare kids....dont know how it will turn out
so this whole summer has been an unsolved mystery for me..i was trying to figure out why i was so depressed (for those of you that done know....i was depressed). i felt like such a horrible person because there were some amazing people who tried to make everyday better (like my roomie lisa :-) and i feel like i was just a total bitch to them because nothing made me happy. i appologize to anyone if they were ever offended.
for the longest time i've been trying to put this puzzle together and i cant find the missing piece. I just felt alone, and unloved. And i know that people love me, i mean it is absolutely riodiculous to say otherwise. i have the best family ever that would do ANYTHIGN for me. and some friends who will be in my life forever. I just couldnt figure out what else could make me happy. So the thought of...well maybe I want to be in love came into my head. its a definete possibility. i have yet to meet a guy who is even close to reaching that level with me. the only guys i thought were even worthy of my time...are turning out to not be. and that really hurts.
tonight i found out some interesting news. and it opened up a whole new window in my life. (i cannot tell this news for the fear of offending someone hehe). but regaurdless, it made me realize something. I do WAY to much for people. I do things that most normal people wouldnt dare think of. and then i get sad cuz i feel people dont appreciate it. well its not that people dont appreciate it, its just that most people dont think the way i do. i think i care too much about people and that leaves me vulnerable to get hurt so quickly and easily. I have come to the conclusion of this: this summer....i was depressed. I felt like nothing was going right, and that no one cared about me. I realized tonight that yes, some of the people I had to deal with this summer and in my past definetely DO NOT care about me....but that doesnt mean that there arent people that do. I can't believe I let that bother me so much because these people are so insugnificant to me that it can be easily overlooked. I am going to take this whole junior year to focus on ME. I am going to get my ass in shape this year...(and im not just talking physically). I am going to learn to never take peoples shit and to take pride in who I am. because damnit, i am awesome. and maybe if i can learn to love myself, i can realize that other people do love me. I refuse to get played again.
and that leaves me to another point...guys think they are so damn clever. that they can play a girl and she will never find out....news for them....WE ALWAYS FIND OUT! we just dont always let you know that we do ;-)I cant believe I ever believed the shit that came out of someones mouth when they were telling everyone else the same god damn thing.....funny.....go tell those other girls because damint..i dont need you to tell me how "incredible" i am. I became that girl who went back to shit...even when her friends told her not to....another point i'm making...YOUR FRIENDS ALWAYS KNOW BEST!
wow...now it sounds like all of this had to do with a boy.....in all reality...not even 1/1000 of it did.
but now that i'm thinking about boys, I cant wait until I find someone who is worthy of my time...and that when i think about him...i know hes thinking about me to. i think i want to fall in love. and im not going to rush into anything or go out there looking for it...because i honestly believe love just happens....when you least expect it to.
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right, it just ain't right
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage that a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight, hold on tight
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waitin' for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long,
So long
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?
I just cant stop thinking about this and I figured I might have one deep live journal entry....prepare kids....dont know how it will turn out
so this whole summer has been an unsolved mystery for me..i was trying to figure out why i was so depressed (for those of you that done know....i was depressed). i felt like such a horrible person because there were some amazing people who tried to make everyday better (like my roomie lisa :-) and i feel like i was just a total bitch to them because nothing made me happy. i appologize to anyone if they were ever offended.
for the longest time i've been trying to put this puzzle together and i cant find the missing piece. I just felt alone, and unloved. And i know that people love me, i mean it is absolutely riodiculous to say otherwise. i have the best family ever that would do ANYTHIGN for me. and some friends who will be in my life forever. I just couldnt figure out what else could make me happy. So the thought of...well maybe I want to be in love came into my head. its a definete possibility. i have yet to meet a guy who is even close to reaching that level with me. the only guys i thought were even worthy of my time...are turning out to not be. and that really hurts.
tonight i found out some interesting news. and it opened up a whole new window in my life. (i cannot tell this news for the fear of offending someone hehe). but regaurdless, it made me realize something. I do WAY to much for people. I do things that most normal people wouldnt dare think of. and then i get sad cuz i feel people dont appreciate it. well its not that people dont appreciate it, its just that most people dont think the way i do. i think i care too much about people and that leaves me vulnerable to get hurt so quickly and easily. I have come to the conclusion of this: this summer....i was depressed. I felt like nothing was going right, and that no one cared about me. I realized tonight that yes, some of the people I had to deal with this summer and in my past definetely DO NOT care about me....but that doesnt mean that there arent people that do. I can't believe I let that bother me so much because these people are so insugnificant to me that it can be easily overlooked. I am going to take this whole junior year to focus on ME. I am going to get my ass in shape this year...(and im not just talking physically). I am going to learn to never take peoples shit and to take pride in who I am. because damnit, i am awesome. and maybe if i can learn to love myself, i can realize that other people do love me. I refuse to get played again.
and that leaves me to another point...guys think they are so damn clever. that they can play a girl and she will never find out....news for them....WE ALWAYS FIND OUT! we just dont always let you know that we do ;-)I cant believe I ever believed the shit that came out of someones mouth when they were telling everyone else the same god damn thing.....funny.....go tell those other girls because damint..i dont need you to tell me how "incredible" i am. I became that girl who went back to shit...even when her friends told her not to....another point i'm making...YOUR FRIENDS ALWAYS KNOW BEST!
wow...now it sounds like all of this had to do with a boy.....in all reality...not even 1/1000 of it did.
but now that i'm thinking about boys, I cant wait until I find someone who is worthy of my time...and that when i think about him...i know hes thinking about me to. i think i want to fall in love. and im not going to rush into anything or go out there looking for it...because i honestly believe love just happens....when you least expect it to.
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right, it just ain't right
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage that a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight, hold on tight
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waitin' for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long,
So long
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?