PrettyUgly but you're in your place
Yep another update in under an hour. I went out with Jaz after work last night. It was really nice to see her actually. The thing with jaz is, some times i feel like her friend, but sometimes i feel like i'm a pretend friend. It's weird because she is aloof alot of the time and i spose i'm so used to clicking with my close friends, and to say i count her as a close friend, there's a lot of things between us that become 'off' sometimes..
Although sometimes there are things that just click. She is one of those people who is forever searching for something better i spose, and would always prefer to be in a different situation. Which i spose means she can never get settled. But last night was nice, i haven't seen her for 3 months or since i've been back, although i always find 'catch up chats' hard because..well..what do you say? Hey i'm gonna sum up every detail about my life for 3 months over a coke in an hour. I dont think so. I know what the motive is, just to chill, but i hatehatehate the inevitable question 'so what have you been doing then?'. I desperately wanna say, 'oh well i lose all my money gambling, my parents have thrown me out, i'm hooked up as the mother of a HIV ridden heroine-junkie..hows about you?' Hah. I will stop this garbage now. So yeah it was nice. There were some uncomfortable silences, but that's with anyone because i'm not the best communicator unless people really motivate me to be. We just chatted about all and everything, i feel bad for her because i see parts of mine & Matt's old relationship lets call it, reflected in hers. As in: it seems like he DOESNT want to commit, and though you'd not guess it, Jaz is so breakable and needs some commitment i feel. I was tryign to sugest things, but she's too worried bout breaking it i think, so she just allows him to walk all over her. Sad. I feel helpless.
When i got home though it made me realise how much i moan and bitch and Matt and how much i generally take him for granted so i started going off on paranois trip #3789324 and apologising for this and he sent me the nicest message ever. I realise it's really lame to post stuff like this on hear what who gives a fuck. It said: No matter what i will always love you amy and just want you to know that you mean everything to me, i would do anything for you, i love you with all my heart xxx don't know whether some people may think that's a bit strong, i spose it is but i pretty much feel the same so..:o)
I texted Craig though saying i missed him and we hadn't spoken for ages and he rang me up immediately after and we only chatted for about a minute max but he still has the ability to make me smile and laugh. I feel bad for him too because he has just split with his gf and i know how hard that is, and yeah with the court case and everythign too. It's weird feelign so close to people you have never met although i know that if we met irl then we would be good friends. I love him he makes me smile :o) so yeah he said he'd give me a call form work later and then sent me a really sweet message too saying: It was nice to hear your voice again. X So i'm feeling incredibly loved at the moment.
Work was good yesterday too, my workmates are going out tonite to Media but..hmm..lack of money and not *really* my kind of scene, would go if i had the money probably but, not today.
Although sometimes there are things that just click. She is one of those people who is forever searching for something better i spose, and would always prefer to be in a different situation. Which i spose means she can never get settled. But last night was nice, i haven't seen her for 3 months or since i've been back, although i always find 'catch up chats' hard because..well..what do you say? Hey i'm gonna sum up every detail about my life for 3 months over a coke in an hour. I dont think so. I know what the motive is, just to chill, but i hatehatehate the inevitable question 'so what have you been doing then?'. I desperately wanna say, 'oh well i lose all my money gambling, my parents have thrown me out, i'm hooked up as the mother of a HIV ridden heroine-junkie..hows about you?' Hah. I will stop this garbage now. So yeah it was nice. There were some uncomfortable silences, but that's with anyone because i'm not the best communicator unless people really motivate me to be. We just chatted about all and everything, i feel bad for her because i see parts of mine & Matt's old relationship lets call it, reflected in hers. As in: it seems like he DOESNT want to commit, and though you'd not guess it, Jaz is so breakable and needs some commitment i feel. I was tryign to sugest things, but she's too worried bout breaking it i think, so she just allows him to walk all over her. Sad. I feel helpless.
When i got home though it made me realise how much i moan and bitch and Matt and how much i generally take him for granted so i started going off on paranois trip #3789324 and apologising for this and he sent me the nicest message ever. I realise it's really lame to post stuff like this on hear what who gives a fuck. It said: No matter what i will always love you amy and just want you to know that you mean everything to me, i would do anything for you, i love you with all my heart xxx don't know whether some people may think that's a bit strong, i spose it is but i pretty much feel the same so..:o)
I texted Craig though saying i missed him and we hadn't spoken for ages and he rang me up immediately after and we only chatted for about a minute max but he still has the ability to make me smile and laugh. I feel bad for him too because he has just split with his gf and i know how hard that is, and yeah with the court case and everythign too. It's weird feelign so close to people you have never met although i know that if we met irl then we would be good friends. I love him he makes me smile :o) so yeah he said he'd give me a call form work later and then sent me a really sweet message too saying: It was nice to hear your voice again. X So i'm feeling incredibly loved at the moment.
Work was good yesterday too, my workmates are going out tonite to Media but..hmm..lack of money and not *really* my kind of scene, would go if i had the money probably but, not today.