Fic: Where Shadows Linger (Travelers tag fic)
Title: Where Shadows Linger
Author: Merlin7/clarkangel
Rating: T for language
Disclaimer: Don't own them. ::Sobs::
Archive: Anywhere
Summary: John's still feeling the after affects of his time with the Travelers. In more ways than one.
WHERE SHADOWS LINGER
After his time with the Travelers, Keller put John off duty for two days. Which didn't make him happy, but he accepted it in the hope he could convince her to let him back to full duty after one day of being a good boy and resting in his room. Only he didn't rest, he dreamed about getting the life sucked out of him then put back in again. Over and over in an endless loop until he finally gave up, turned on the lights and played video games on his laptop until it was time for his appointment.
"It's early, Colonel," Keller said, stating the obvious as he slid onto the gurney she gestured at.
He would have jumped onto it but he was feeling a bit too sore to do much more than ease on up. Not even a long hot shower had helped the stiffness he was feeling this morning. "Figure I'd stop in before the rush," John drawled, offering his most charming smirk.
Which Keller cocked an eyebrow at before grabbing her stethoscope and reaching for the hem of his shirt. She started to lift it but let go when he hissed in pain. "Colonel? What's wrong?"
"Nothing." John figured blatant lying was his best shot at the moment. He wasn't about to admit that her knuckles had brushed over a surprisingly tender spot of his abdomen. So he tried smiling at her instead of smirking.
"Where does it hurt?" Keller demanded, obviously not believing his lie. She pushed on one shoulder, pressing him back to lay down.
John shrugged her hand off but she was persistant. He scrunched up his face as he made himself lay back slowly. "You just hit a sore spot, Doc," he finally confessed. "Nothing to worry about."
Keller was lifting his shirt again, this time more carefully. She frowned as she studied his stomach and ribs. "The bruising is pretty heavy this morning. I think I'm going to do a scan after all. I shouldn't have let you talk me out of it yesterday."
"I got punched a few times," John countered, making a futile attempt at brushing his shirt back down, but she wouldn't free it from her clutches. "Of course I have brusies, they punched hard. I'm resting, they'll heal. It's nothing that I haven't suffered through before." John was trying his damndest to make her see reason. His reason.
"I'm running the scan." Keller finally released his shirt, but only so she could use her stethoscope. She had John breathe in and out slowly, then she wrapped the stethoscope around her neck and went for her penlight. Once that was done she took his pulse and BP, waving him back when he tried to sit up.
John couldn't help but glare at her a bit. "I really don't need a scan. I'm fine."
Keller glared down at him. "That's my call to make, Colonel. But I can back it up by calling Colonel Carter if you like."
"No...don't do that." John relaxed into the pillow with pissy grace. "How long is this going to take?"
"You'll be here about half an hour," Keller replied. "I want you to stay here until I get the results." She patted his leg. "Take a nap, Colonel. You look like you could use it."
He knew he could but he was feeling defiant so he kept his eyes focused on the ceiling until he was placed under the scan. Then he stared at the ceiling some more, dividing numbers in his head in an attempt to keep the boredom at bay, only to finally succumb to darkness.
"No! Stop you sonofabitch!" John was screaming at the Wraith to stop taking his life only to give it back. To stop playing with him.
"John!"
The sound of his given name snapped John out of the dream. He found himself gasping for breath as he stared at Teyla's concerned face. "Sorry...sorry," he mumbled, wiping a hand over his face and staring at it when it came away wet from the cold sweat that sheened his skin.
Teyla shook her head at him. "Nothing to be sorry for. You were dreaming. Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." John sat up slowly, biting back a moan as he swung his legs over the side of the gurney." He felt stiff and sore and achy. Glancing at his watch he was surprised to realize almost three hours had passed since he'd first put himself into Keller's clutches.
As if sensing his thoughts of her, Keller came striding over to them. "How are you feeling, Colonel?" she asked, reaching for his wrist to take his pulse. "A bit rapid and thready."
John tugged free and shrugged. "Dreams will do that to you. I'm fine. Can I go now?"
"You can in a minute." Keller dug into her lab coat pocket and pulled out a small pill bottle and two packets. She held up the packets. "These are ambien to help you sleep. I want you to take one tonight and I will send Ronon to check on you to make sure that you do and I'm pretty sure he'll know if you're lying."
"Right. Take one tonight." John accepted the packets, already plotting ways on how to not take it yet convince Ronon he had. At least figuring out a way would keep his mind off other things. Like getting his life sucked in and out of him repeatedly. John shuddered a bit and tried to shake the thought out of his head.
Keller tapped him on the knee, obviously knowing she had lost his attention. She held up the pill bottle. "These are for pain. Go get something to eat then take one pill as needed for the next three days."
John nodded, taking the bottle and shoving it and the packets in his pants pocket. "So now I can go?"
"You can." Keller watched him slide off the table, but she grabbed his arm when he turned to go. "You have some heavy bruising, Colonel. Nothing serious for now, but if you don't take it easy, it can get worse. I've already contacted Colonel Carter to let her know that you're off duty for the next week and that I'll update your status during your follow up check up."
"A week?" John was stunned and angry and confused. "Look, I've got a few bruises, Doc. Not a big deal!" He would have argued more but Teyla took his arm, drawing his attention.
She smiled at him with sympathy. "Dr. Keller is doing her job, John," she said in a tone that had warmth but a shade of chiding to it. "Do as she says. We can all use the down time."
John opened his mouth to disagree, but it wasn't worth the battle. Truth be told, Keller was probably right to keep him grounded for the time being. He was too sore and right now he was too tired and he was definitely off his game. He wouldn't go back through the gate with his team until he was one hundred percent. "Fine. One week. I'm going to go rest now." He didn't look at Keller as he shrugged off Teyla's hand and walked away.
He knew he was supposed to eat and take the pills, but he wasn't hungry. Instead John wandered off to the jumper bay and he found Zelenka working on one of the Jumpers. "Need some help?" John offered. He wanted the distraction and Zelenka was good about being willing to teach him how to fix things on Atlantis. Some stuff John had simply learned by watching Rodney do his thing, like when he had to fix the chair on the warship before he could take out the Wraith. But Rodney wasn't big on actually showing him how to do things, not the way Zelenka was.
"Help would be appreciated, Colonel," Zelenka replied, moving over to make room for John to sit beside him.
For the next four hours John learned how to do some seat of his pants rewiring, and other things that might come handy if he was on his own again or if Rodney happened to be out of commission. He would have happily stayed there if Zelenka didn't call it quits for dinner. John waved him off before deciding to head out to the nearest balcony. He was tired and aching and he knew he should eat, takes his pills and get some sleep, but he didn't want to sleep. He'd finally gotten over the dreams about his doppleganger self, now he was reliving his captivity with Kolya and being fed on repeatedly.
John reached the balcony and he breathed in the cooling air as he sat down and simply stared out at the water. He knew why he was dreaming. Seeing the Wraith give Lairin her life back had kickstarted the memories, but he hadn't expected them to hit him so hard. Letting himself think about it, he knew why though. Because being fed on had been one thing. Fed on and then suddenly given his life back in spades. But to see it being done to someone was to see what had truly happened to him and it was both fascinating and horrifying and it was fucking him up in the head something fierce.
Being kidnapped, beaten and having his life threatened repeatedly hadn't helped matters either. That too was a reminder of being captured by Kolya, and a reminder of the three other times in his career that he had been a prisoner. The first time he'd been 25 years old, captured in enemy territory during a mission and threatened with being shot in the head for six days in a row until he'd been rescued. He'd been beaten alot worse that time, so he figured he had alot to be grateful for. Only it wasn't helping him feel better.
It also wasn't helping that so many issues were pouring out of him now. Another being his fear at being left behind. For all that he had insisted, time and again, that his people were coming for him. There had been a few moments when John had doubted that they would really come. Not that he would ever mention it to them, or even say it outloud to himself. But that didn't make the doubt any less real. It also didn't make it go away.
Leaning back against the side wall, John stifled a moan. He hadn't brought a jacket and it was getting chilly. His body was aching, his head was pounding. He knew he needed food and sleep and that he should take his pills, but he couldn't make himself move. He felt fragile in this moment, like he just might shatter. More than that he felt alone and he felt afraid. Stupid of him to feel that way, because he knew that he had family on Atlantis. Stupider still to be afraid when he was home again and safe. But there it was.
So he drew his knees up carefully, wrapped his arms around them and cradled his head there, closing his eyes and willing his demons to simply go away. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't hear the door whoosh open or realize he wasn't alone until someone touched his arm.
John's head snapped up, illiciting a moan of pain, but that faded as he stared at Teyla. Then his eyes moved to encompass Rodney and Ronon. Before he could say anything, Teyla was draping his coat over his shoulders. Then Rodney was spreading a thick blanket on the floor and Ronon was setting down a huge tray filled from edge to edge with plates of food and drink. "What's going on?" John asked.
Rodney looked uncomfortable as he replied, "We thought you could use the company. Well, Teyla figured you could. I mean...she thought you were acting weird and knowing that you wouldn't talk about it she figured we'd just hang out or something." He realized everyone was staring at him somewhat dazedly and glared back. "Fine! Shutting up now!"
"What Rodney was trying to say is that we're here if you need us," Ronon translated, as he sat down and grabbed a roll. "Now let's eat." He tossed a roll to John.
John caught it and found himself smiling as Teyla tugged him over to the blanket. He even let her fuss to get his jacket on and lay a small, light, blanket over his shoulders. But as he joined his friends, John realized the warmth he could feel seeping into him was from their presence, not from the blanket. He looked at them and said, "Thanks."
They knew they didn't have to reply. Ronon and Rodney dug in while Teyla urged him to eat then asked where his pills were. John took a bite of the roll and dug out the bottle. He accepted a glass of juice, took the pill, then continued nibbling as Rodney and Ronon argued over who got what dessert.
His demons were still lingering over his shoulder, and John knew he would need the ambien if he were to get any sleep tonight, but he also knew that things would be all right in the end. Sure he was still afraid, and he knew he'd still struggle with his most recent demons for the next few days. Or weeks. But he also knew that his friends would be here to help him through it.
John could feel the shadows melting into the light.
THE END
Author: Merlin7/clarkangel
Rating: T for language
Disclaimer: Don't own them. ::Sobs::
Archive: Anywhere
Summary: John's still feeling the after affects of his time with the Travelers. In more ways than one.
WHERE SHADOWS LINGER
After his time with the Travelers, Keller put John off duty for two days. Which didn't make him happy, but he accepted it in the hope he could convince her to let him back to full duty after one day of being a good boy and resting in his room. Only he didn't rest, he dreamed about getting the life sucked out of him then put back in again. Over and over in an endless loop until he finally gave up, turned on the lights and played video games on his laptop until it was time for his appointment.
"It's early, Colonel," Keller said, stating the obvious as he slid onto the gurney she gestured at.
He would have jumped onto it but he was feeling a bit too sore to do much more than ease on up. Not even a long hot shower had helped the stiffness he was feeling this morning. "Figure I'd stop in before the rush," John drawled, offering his most charming smirk.
Which Keller cocked an eyebrow at before grabbing her stethoscope and reaching for the hem of his shirt. She started to lift it but let go when he hissed in pain. "Colonel? What's wrong?"
"Nothing." John figured blatant lying was his best shot at the moment. He wasn't about to admit that her knuckles had brushed over a surprisingly tender spot of his abdomen. So he tried smiling at her instead of smirking.
"Where does it hurt?" Keller demanded, obviously not believing his lie. She pushed on one shoulder, pressing him back to lay down.
John shrugged her hand off but she was persistant. He scrunched up his face as he made himself lay back slowly. "You just hit a sore spot, Doc," he finally confessed. "Nothing to worry about."
Keller was lifting his shirt again, this time more carefully. She frowned as she studied his stomach and ribs. "The bruising is pretty heavy this morning. I think I'm going to do a scan after all. I shouldn't have let you talk me out of it yesterday."
"I got punched a few times," John countered, making a futile attempt at brushing his shirt back down, but she wouldn't free it from her clutches. "Of course I have brusies, they punched hard. I'm resting, they'll heal. It's nothing that I haven't suffered through before." John was trying his damndest to make her see reason. His reason.
"I'm running the scan." Keller finally released his shirt, but only so she could use her stethoscope. She had John breathe in and out slowly, then she wrapped the stethoscope around her neck and went for her penlight. Once that was done she took his pulse and BP, waving him back when he tried to sit up.
John couldn't help but glare at her a bit. "I really don't need a scan. I'm fine."
Keller glared down at him. "That's my call to make, Colonel. But I can back it up by calling Colonel Carter if you like."
"No...don't do that." John relaxed into the pillow with pissy grace. "How long is this going to take?"
"You'll be here about half an hour," Keller replied. "I want you to stay here until I get the results." She patted his leg. "Take a nap, Colonel. You look like you could use it."
He knew he could but he was feeling defiant so he kept his eyes focused on the ceiling until he was placed under the scan. Then he stared at the ceiling some more, dividing numbers in his head in an attempt to keep the boredom at bay, only to finally succumb to darkness.
"No! Stop you sonofabitch!" John was screaming at the Wraith to stop taking his life only to give it back. To stop playing with him.
"John!"
The sound of his given name snapped John out of the dream. He found himself gasping for breath as he stared at Teyla's concerned face. "Sorry...sorry," he mumbled, wiping a hand over his face and staring at it when it came away wet from the cold sweat that sheened his skin.
Teyla shook her head at him. "Nothing to be sorry for. You were dreaming. Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." John sat up slowly, biting back a moan as he swung his legs over the side of the gurney." He felt stiff and sore and achy. Glancing at his watch he was surprised to realize almost three hours had passed since he'd first put himself into Keller's clutches.
As if sensing his thoughts of her, Keller came striding over to them. "How are you feeling, Colonel?" she asked, reaching for his wrist to take his pulse. "A bit rapid and thready."
John tugged free and shrugged. "Dreams will do that to you. I'm fine. Can I go now?"
"You can in a minute." Keller dug into her lab coat pocket and pulled out a small pill bottle and two packets. She held up the packets. "These are ambien to help you sleep. I want you to take one tonight and I will send Ronon to check on you to make sure that you do and I'm pretty sure he'll know if you're lying."
"Right. Take one tonight." John accepted the packets, already plotting ways on how to not take it yet convince Ronon he had. At least figuring out a way would keep his mind off other things. Like getting his life sucked in and out of him repeatedly. John shuddered a bit and tried to shake the thought out of his head.
Keller tapped him on the knee, obviously knowing she had lost his attention. She held up the pill bottle. "These are for pain. Go get something to eat then take one pill as needed for the next three days."
John nodded, taking the bottle and shoving it and the packets in his pants pocket. "So now I can go?"
"You can." Keller watched him slide off the table, but she grabbed his arm when he turned to go. "You have some heavy bruising, Colonel. Nothing serious for now, but if you don't take it easy, it can get worse. I've already contacted Colonel Carter to let her know that you're off duty for the next week and that I'll update your status during your follow up check up."
"A week?" John was stunned and angry and confused. "Look, I've got a few bruises, Doc. Not a big deal!" He would have argued more but Teyla took his arm, drawing his attention.
She smiled at him with sympathy. "Dr. Keller is doing her job, John," she said in a tone that had warmth but a shade of chiding to it. "Do as she says. We can all use the down time."
John opened his mouth to disagree, but it wasn't worth the battle. Truth be told, Keller was probably right to keep him grounded for the time being. He was too sore and right now he was too tired and he was definitely off his game. He wouldn't go back through the gate with his team until he was one hundred percent. "Fine. One week. I'm going to go rest now." He didn't look at Keller as he shrugged off Teyla's hand and walked away.
He knew he was supposed to eat and take the pills, but he wasn't hungry. Instead John wandered off to the jumper bay and he found Zelenka working on one of the Jumpers. "Need some help?" John offered. He wanted the distraction and Zelenka was good about being willing to teach him how to fix things on Atlantis. Some stuff John had simply learned by watching Rodney do his thing, like when he had to fix the chair on the warship before he could take out the Wraith. But Rodney wasn't big on actually showing him how to do things, not the way Zelenka was.
"Help would be appreciated, Colonel," Zelenka replied, moving over to make room for John to sit beside him.
For the next four hours John learned how to do some seat of his pants rewiring, and other things that might come handy if he was on his own again or if Rodney happened to be out of commission. He would have happily stayed there if Zelenka didn't call it quits for dinner. John waved him off before deciding to head out to the nearest balcony. He was tired and aching and he knew he should eat, takes his pills and get some sleep, but he didn't want to sleep. He'd finally gotten over the dreams about his doppleganger self, now he was reliving his captivity with Kolya and being fed on repeatedly.
John reached the balcony and he breathed in the cooling air as he sat down and simply stared out at the water. He knew why he was dreaming. Seeing the Wraith give Lairin her life back had kickstarted the memories, but he hadn't expected them to hit him so hard. Letting himself think about it, he knew why though. Because being fed on had been one thing. Fed on and then suddenly given his life back in spades. But to see it being done to someone was to see what had truly happened to him and it was both fascinating and horrifying and it was fucking him up in the head something fierce.
Being kidnapped, beaten and having his life threatened repeatedly hadn't helped matters either. That too was a reminder of being captured by Kolya, and a reminder of the three other times in his career that he had been a prisoner. The first time he'd been 25 years old, captured in enemy territory during a mission and threatened with being shot in the head for six days in a row until he'd been rescued. He'd been beaten alot worse that time, so he figured he had alot to be grateful for. Only it wasn't helping him feel better.
It also wasn't helping that so many issues were pouring out of him now. Another being his fear at being left behind. For all that he had insisted, time and again, that his people were coming for him. There had been a few moments when John had doubted that they would really come. Not that he would ever mention it to them, or even say it outloud to himself. But that didn't make the doubt any less real. It also didn't make it go away.
Leaning back against the side wall, John stifled a moan. He hadn't brought a jacket and it was getting chilly. His body was aching, his head was pounding. He knew he needed food and sleep and that he should take his pills, but he couldn't make himself move. He felt fragile in this moment, like he just might shatter. More than that he felt alone and he felt afraid. Stupid of him to feel that way, because he knew that he had family on Atlantis. Stupider still to be afraid when he was home again and safe. But there it was.
So he drew his knees up carefully, wrapped his arms around them and cradled his head there, closing his eyes and willing his demons to simply go away. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't hear the door whoosh open or realize he wasn't alone until someone touched his arm.
John's head snapped up, illiciting a moan of pain, but that faded as he stared at Teyla. Then his eyes moved to encompass Rodney and Ronon. Before he could say anything, Teyla was draping his coat over his shoulders. Then Rodney was spreading a thick blanket on the floor and Ronon was setting down a huge tray filled from edge to edge with plates of food and drink. "What's going on?" John asked.
Rodney looked uncomfortable as he replied, "We thought you could use the company. Well, Teyla figured you could. I mean...she thought you were acting weird and knowing that you wouldn't talk about it she figured we'd just hang out or something." He realized everyone was staring at him somewhat dazedly and glared back. "Fine! Shutting up now!"
"What Rodney was trying to say is that we're here if you need us," Ronon translated, as he sat down and grabbed a roll. "Now let's eat." He tossed a roll to John.
John caught it and found himself smiling as Teyla tugged him over to the blanket. He even let her fuss to get his jacket on and lay a small, light, blanket over his shoulders. But as he joined his friends, John realized the warmth he could feel seeping into him was from their presence, not from the blanket. He looked at them and said, "Thanks."
They knew they didn't have to reply. Ronon and Rodney dug in while Teyla urged him to eat then asked where his pills were. John took a bite of the roll and dug out the bottle. He accepted a glass of juice, took the pill, then continued nibbling as Rodney and Ronon argued over who got what dessert.
His demons were still lingering over his shoulder, and John knew he would need the ambien if he were to get any sleep tonight, but he also knew that things would be all right in the end. Sure he was still afraid, and he knew he'd still struggle with his most recent demons for the next few days. Or weeks. But he also knew that his friends would be here to help him through it.
John could feel the shadows melting into the light.
THE END