Long Goodbye tag - "Appearance of Evil"
Title: Appearance of Evil
Author: padawan_aneiki
Rating/Pairing: G/None
Characters: John and Teyla
Summary: John dwells on Thalen's actions.
Appearance of Evil
Sheppard had never been much of a praying man, but sitting here, as he was, he couldn’t help but cast a few thoughts skyward and hope that God was big enough to be in Pegasus too. Please, let him be okay, was the constant mantra that seemed to run through his mind.
The moment Carson had released him, and Elizabeth, John had gone straight to Ronon’s bedside. The Satedan was asleep, courtesy of pain medication, and Carson had said he was doing quite well. That didn’t stop the movie reruns in his mind, watching himself play Ronon to draw fire. Watching Thalen, he tried to tell himself, but it didn’t matter. He might as well have pulled the trigger himself.
Having satisfied himself that Ronon was recovering, John all but fled the Infirmary. As much as he wanted to sit beside his team-member and friend, Carson decided and he agreed, that it might be best for Ronon’s recovery if John’s wasn’t the first face he saw when he woke up. It would give Carson time to explain that John was back to normal and, the Scot said, let John have a chance breathe a bit in the wake of what had happened.
So here he was, sitting on a remote balcony above the North pier, watching the clouds, semi-praying to God and ignoring how much his arm hurt, how cold the bench was and how sick he felt about the whole thing. Hunching his shoulders briefly as a cool breeze blew by and ruffled his hair, John sighed softly.
“There you are; I have been looking for you for some time.” The familiar lilt of Teyla’s voice broke into his thoughts, and John shrugged slightly.
“Just needed some air,” he replied vaguely; he’d lost track of time out here.
“You could have found solitude without disappearing to the most distant place in the city,” Emmagan chided gently as she approached the bench on which John sat, and he finally tore his gaze from the clouds to look at her.
“What, lock myself in my room?” he snorted slightly. “McKay knows how to override that.” The last thing John needed to deal with at the moment was the scientist’s guilt trip on top of his own. He’d deal with that later.
“He is very sorry that he shot you,” Teyla remarked, and John realized that later might have to be sooner before Rodney drove everyone else insane with the: I can’t believe I shot Sheppard spiel.
“He’s sorry, I’m sorry...we’re all sorry,” John replied quietly, his hazel eyes shooting upward again. Hear that? I’m sorry! Ronon didn’t deserve that.
“So am I,” Teyla said quietly, and that had John’s attention in a hurry. The hazel gaze shifted to the Athosian’s face and he frowned a bit.
“What are you sorry for?” he demanded, shaking his head slightly. Teyla sighed quietly, and sat down beside him on the bench.
“I was...” she turned her gaze outward to the pier and the sea below them, and the breeze blew through her hair. “I was prepared to kill you,” she said carefully, and John was surprised to see the level of guilt in her eyes, the anxious motion of her hands. Impulsively he reached over to still them, covering her clasped hands with his own.
“I forgave you the moment you asked, for your sake. You did what you had to do.” John said softly, and Teyla’s eyes widened.
“You heard that?” she asked hesitantly, and John nodded, his expression tightening.
“I could hear everything,” he admitted, and he unconsciously shivered. “I could see everything. When Ronon was shot...”
“You were not yourself, John,” Teyla said quietly, as he knew she would, and he shook his head.
“I should have stopped it...should have found a way to keep Ronon out of the line of fire!” he exclaimed and he jumped up, beginning to pace. “You don’t understand, Teyla...he trusted me and I betrayed that trust. It was like...watching myself in a bad movie...”
“As I did when the Wraith used me to attack you and Carson in the Infirmary,” Teyla interjected, and John froze in mid-step, turning his head to look at her. “It could have been much worse than it was, and I am grateful it was not,” she continued, and she met his gaze frankly.
“Yeah...” John murmured as it dawned on him that perhaps Teyla did understand, perhaps in some ways even better than Rodney would. For while Lieutenant Cadman might have been an annoying houseguest in Rodney’s brain; she wasn’t exactly the appearance of evil. The intent to harm, not his own, walking around in his brain, Teyla would understand. “I shouted...screamed at Thalen not to do it, not to sell Ronon out,” he murmured quietly. “In the end, all I could do was to convince him that his war was with Phoebus, and that sort of collateral damage was unnecessary, so that maybe he would let someone come help Ronon.”
“And you succeeded,” Teyla replied steadily.
“Sort of,” John conceded with a slight shrug. He stopped pacing, the nervous energy having been expended and he slouched back down onto the bench, aware once more that his arm hurt. “I have a confession to make...” he said quietly. “When I came to from the stunner blast, I was never so relieved in my life to see you holding your P-90 on me.”
That startled Teyla, and she frowned. “Relieved...?” she echoed warily.
“Yeah,” John sighed. “I knew the imprinting wouldn’t last forever but...I knew what would happen if Thalen got a clean shot at Phoebus before it wore off and I...well I was glad Thalen wasn’t going to get the chance. Ronon was already seriously wounded and I...I couldn’t bear the thought of killing Elizabeth.” He lifted his head to look at the Athosian. “So there’s nothing to forgive, Teyla. I’d have been just as happy if you’d pulled the trigger if it meant the others would survive.”
“I am happy that it did not come to that,” Teyla said quietly, and she reached over to clasp John’s wrist. “Perhaps,” she said thoughtfully, “it would help you to know that you also are quite forgiven.” At his startled look, she continued, “I stopped by the Infirmary while I was looking for you, and Ronon was awake and asking for you.”
“Asking...?” John echoed, surprised. “I thought I’d be the last person he’d wanna see.”
“He was surprised that you weren’t right there waiting for him to wake up, John. He told me to tell you he knows it wasn’t you,” Teyla said, and a slight smile twitched at her lips. “And that if you feel you must make it up to him; he’ll gladly accept your desserts until you don’t feel guilty anymore. Once Dr. Beckett clears him to eat solid food again.”
John snorted at that. “He’s been hanging around McKay too long,” he grumbled lightly, but a small...tiny portion of the guilt he felt lifted from his shoulders, and he let himself smile. “No way does he get my fudge brownies.”
“I am sure Ronon would be glad to strike a bargain with you,” Teyla smiled back, now and stood up. John did as well, and he had to admit, he would be asking Carson for something to help his arm; it hurt like crazy now that the initial painkillers were wearing off.
“Wonder what Rodney would be willing to do to work off his guilty feelings,” John mused aloud, and the Athosian simply shook her head.
“I am not sure I wish to know,” she responded lightly, and was rewarded with one of John’s mischievous expressions.
“Maybe not, but I bet it’ll be interesting to watch.”
As the two exited the balcony, John glanced once more at the fluffy white clouds that dotted the very blue sky over Atlantis. Thanks, he offered, and then disappeared within.
Author: padawan_aneiki
Rating/Pairing: G/None
Characters: John and Teyla
Summary: John dwells on Thalen's actions.
Appearance of Evil
Sheppard had never been much of a praying man, but sitting here, as he was, he couldn’t help but cast a few thoughts skyward and hope that God was big enough to be in Pegasus too. Please, let him be okay, was the constant mantra that seemed to run through his mind.
The moment Carson had released him, and Elizabeth, John had gone straight to Ronon’s bedside. The Satedan was asleep, courtesy of pain medication, and Carson had said he was doing quite well. That didn’t stop the movie reruns in his mind, watching himself play Ronon to draw fire. Watching Thalen, he tried to tell himself, but it didn’t matter. He might as well have pulled the trigger himself.
Having satisfied himself that Ronon was recovering, John all but fled the Infirmary. As much as he wanted to sit beside his team-member and friend, Carson decided and he agreed, that it might be best for Ronon’s recovery if John’s wasn’t the first face he saw when he woke up. It would give Carson time to explain that John was back to normal and, the Scot said, let John have a chance breathe a bit in the wake of what had happened.
So here he was, sitting on a remote balcony above the North pier, watching the clouds, semi-praying to God and ignoring how much his arm hurt, how cold the bench was and how sick he felt about the whole thing. Hunching his shoulders briefly as a cool breeze blew by and ruffled his hair, John sighed softly.
“There you are; I have been looking for you for some time.” The familiar lilt of Teyla’s voice broke into his thoughts, and John shrugged slightly.
“Just needed some air,” he replied vaguely; he’d lost track of time out here.
“You could have found solitude without disappearing to the most distant place in the city,” Emmagan chided gently as she approached the bench on which John sat, and he finally tore his gaze from the clouds to look at her.
“What, lock myself in my room?” he snorted slightly. “McKay knows how to override that.” The last thing John needed to deal with at the moment was the scientist’s guilt trip on top of his own. He’d deal with that later.
“He is very sorry that he shot you,” Teyla remarked, and John realized that later might have to be sooner before Rodney drove everyone else insane with the: I can’t believe I shot Sheppard spiel.
“He’s sorry, I’m sorry...we’re all sorry,” John replied quietly, his hazel eyes shooting upward again. Hear that? I’m sorry! Ronon didn’t deserve that.
“So am I,” Teyla said quietly, and that had John’s attention in a hurry. The hazel gaze shifted to the Athosian’s face and he frowned a bit.
“What are you sorry for?” he demanded, shaking his head slightly. Teyla sighed quietly, and sat down beside him on the bench.
“I was...” she turned her gaze outward to the pier and the sea below them, and the breeze blew through her hair. “I was prepared to kill you,” she said carefully, and John was surprised to see the level of guilt in her eyes, the anxious motion of her hands. Impulsively he reached over to still them, covering her clasped hands with his own.
“I forgave you the moment you asked, for your sake. You did what you had to do.” John said softly, and Teyla’s eyes widened.
“You heard that?” she asked hesitantly, and John nodded, his expression tightening.
“I could hear everything,” he admitted, and he unconsciously shivered. “I could see everything. When Ronon was shot...”
“You were not yourself, John,” Teyla said quietly, as he knew she would, and he shook his head.
“I should have stopped it...should have found a way to keep Ronon out of the line of fire!” he exclaimed and he jumped up, beginning to pace. “You don’t understand, Teyla...he trusted me and I betrayed that trust. It was like...watching myself in a bad movie...”
“As I did when the Wraith used me to attack you and Carson in the Infirmary,” Teyla interjected, and John froze in mid-step, turning his head to look at her. “It could have been much worse than it was, and I am grateful it was not,” she continued, and she met his gaze frankly.
“Yeah...” John murmured as it dawned on him that perhaps Teyla did understand, perhaps in some ways even better than Rodney would. For while Lieutenant Cadman might have been an annoying houseguest in Rodney’s brain; she wasn’t exactly the appearance of evil. The intent to harm, not his own, walking around in his brain, Teyla would understand. “I shouted...screamed at Thalen not to do it, not to sell Ronon out,” he murmured quietly. “In the end, all I could do was to convince him that his war was with Phoebus, and that sort of collateral damage was unnecessary, so that maybe he would let someone come help Ronon.”
“And you succeeded,” Teyla replied steadily.
“Sort of,” John conceded with a slight shrug. He stopped pacing, the nervous energy having been expended and he slouched back down onto the bench, aware once more that his arm hurt. “I have a confession to make...” he said quietly. “When I came to from the stunner blast, I was never so relieved in my life to see you holding your P-90 on me.”
That startled Teyla, and she frowned. “Relieved...?” she echoed warily.
“Yeah,” John sighed. “I knew the imprinting wouldn’t last forever but...I knew what would happen if Thalen got a clean shot at Phoebus before it wore off and I...well I was glad Thalen wasn’t going to get the chance. Ronon was already seriously wounded and I...I couldn’t bear the thought of killing Elizabeth.” He lifted his head to look at the Athosian. “So there’s nothing to forgive, Teyla. I’d have been just as happy if you’d pulled the trigger if it meant the others would survive.”
“I am happy that it did not come to that,” Teyla said quietly, and she reached over to clasp John’s wrist. “Perhaps,” she said thoughtfully, “it would help you to know that you also are quite forgiven.” At his startled look, she continued, “I stopped by the Infirmary while I was looking for you, and Ronon was awake and asking for you.”
“Asking...?” John echoed, surprised. “I thought I’d be the last person he’d wanna see.”
“He was surprised that you weren’t right there waiting for him to wake up, John. He told me to tell you he knows it wasn’t you,” Teyla said, and a slight smile twitched at her lips. “And that if you feel you must make it up to him; he’ll gladly accept your desserts until you don’t feel guilty anymore. Once Dr. Beckett clears him to eat solid food again.”
John snorted at that. “He’s been hanging around McKay too long,” he grumbled lightly, but a small...tiny portion of the guilt he felt lifted from his shoulders, and he let himself smile. “No way does he get my fudge brownies.”
“I am sure Ronon would be glad to strike a bargain with you,” Teyla smiled back, now and stood up. John did as well, and he had to admit, he would be asking Carson for something to help his arm; it hurt like crazy now that the initial painkillers were wearing off.
“Wonder what Rodney would be willing to do to work off his guilty feelings,” John mused aloud, and the Athosian simply shook her head.
“I am not sure I wish to know,” she responded lightly, and was rewarded with one of John’s mischievous expressions.
“Maybe not, but I bet it’ll be interesting to watch.”
As the two exited the balcony, John glanced once more at the fluffy white clouds that dotted the very blue sky over Atlantis. Thanks, he offered, and then disappeared within.