Kindred tag - "Stilled"
Title: Stilled
Author: padawan_aneiki
Rating/Pairing: PG/None
Characters: Rodney and John
Summary: John experiences some emotional whiplash as it all catches up to him.
Stilled
Atlantis was stilled, it seemed, holding her breath. John hunched his shoulders a little as he walked along, listening absently to McKay’s distracted mutterings. If he was allowed such an analogy as holding one’s breath, it seemed as if the entire city was poised on the edge, unable as yet to go forward and certainly unable to go back.
To go back... He blinked back sudden and unexpected moisture in his eyes as he suddenly felt the crush of the past weeks bear down on him relentlessly. Carson...Elizabeth...Teyla...
Suddenly John had an uncomfortable realization of why he’d been pestering McKay and Ronon almost nonstop for the past three days, and he swallowed convulsively. They’re all that’s left, an unbidden thought whispered through his mind, and he hunched his shoulders again as if to ward off an outside chill. The last few days had rendered few leads on Teyla, and again he swallowed tightly as he considered the Athosian leader, held prisoner by Michael...and her baby...God, her baby’s due any day.
“See ya later, McKay,” John muttered suddenly, heeling around in mid-step to go back the way they’d come, leaving the scientist standing open-mouthed and surprised at the first words the colonel had spoken in close to an hour.
He couldn’t have said what drove him as he stalked through the corridors of Atlantis, feeling that breathless, cold pause pressing in on him, producing an almost claustrophobic feeling of not being comfortable in his own skin. Because, that’s what it really came down to, didn’t it? He wasn’t comfortable with John Sheppard. He hadn’t been able to save Carson, or Elizabeth, or Teyla. These were his people, the place he felt most at home-David would never understand that-and they were all slowly slipping through his fingers.
John had never been the maudlin type, had never overstated anything he’d felt deeply, almost as if it would cheapen the value of his emotions by speaking the words aloud. He’d never been the type to talk over gravestones, even though he’d often visited his mother’s grave while still on Earth. He wasn’t accustomed to sharing the guilt.
How he found himself standing in the doorway of the stasis room, John didn’t know; especially since he felt like he was inviting the otherworldly silence of the city to crush him where he stood just by being here. He looked up into the equally silent face before him, and he clenched his jaw tightly. Carson-no, he couldn’t think of this man as anyone other than Carson, clone or not-had elected to go into this with his eyes wide open.
John reached up and rubbed his eyes tiredly, trying to order his thoughts, slowly wandering into the room until he was mere feet away from the stasis chamber...and his friend. The closer he got, the more suffocating the silence felt until it throbbed in his head. Hazel eyes looked up into unseeing blue ones, and John clenched his fists at his sides.
“Why didn’t she listen to me, Doc?” he asked, breaking into the stillness that surrounded him. “This was exactly the kind of thing I was...Hell, why didn’t you listen to me? The other you, I mean...” John faltered; it was still a tough bit to wrap his mind around, that the man he now faced in stasis was not the Carson Beckett that had come through the Gate with him from Earth. The silence was shattered into a million hot shards of anger and regret, and John felt them. They stabbed and tore at a place deep inside that he thought he’d buried away with Dex and Mitch...with Holland...even with his father. “Dammit, you should’ve listened to me!” It exploded out of him with all the force he could put behind his voice.
He had to break through, had to escape and before John even realized what he was doing, or imagined the possible consequences, his fist was slamming into the stasis field, behind which Carson remained unblinking, unmoving, part of the damn breathless waiting. “Waiting for what, John? Waiting to lose Rodney and Ronon too?” he demanded of himself even as he cradled a hand he was sure he’d just broken; the blow had had no effect on the stasis field but it had felt like he’d punched a granite wall. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“You don’t give up.”
The voice behind him made him jump, but he didn’t turn around, not yet. “McKay...”
“You don’t...give...up!” Rodney pressed; his voice tight and hard. The scientist strode into the room, hesitating just briefly as he too looked up at the stasis chamber and the motionless figure inside. “Look, I know it looks pretty...Okay, it sucks, but the one thing you, John Sheppard, does not do is give up.”
“I didn’t say I was giving up, Rodney,” John’s voice was soft, and in that moment he let Rodney see how tired he was, how distressed, even how much his hand hurt. “I just...don’t know where to go next. What if...”
“The whole universe doesn’t exactly hang on your shoulders, Colonel,” Rodney chided. “Mine, maybe but definitely not yours. Ronon and I are big boys; well, technically, he’s the big one and I’m the smart one. But the point is we can handle ourselves out there, that’s why you were smart enough to grab us before we were spoken for by some half-wit Marine captain.” John watched as Rodney’s hand fluttered like a wounded bird. “The point is, John, we’re in this with you, all the way. And we’re gonna...we’re gonna find Teyla, and we’re gonna fix Carson. We’re gonna make this right. And...What I was trying to tell you before you so rudely left is that we have another lead.”
The anger melted away, and even the silence seemed to ebb, and John could’ve sworn he felt the city breathe a sigh into his very being. You don’t give up. He glanced up at Carson, then back to Rodney.
“So tell me now,” he ordered crisply as he turned his back on the eerily calm stasis pod, striding from the room purposefully.
“While we’re on the way to the Infirmary; you should have that looked at,” Rodney pointed at the hand that was already lividly bruising. “I don’t know how you expect to hold a P-90 if you’ve busted a hand, although you might have slightly better odds in your next sparring session with Ronon if you have a cast to whack him with...”
“McKay. The lead...?”
“Okay, well it’s thin but it’s a possible location of one of Michael’s outposts...” Rodney was droning again, and John exhaled, letting go of the moment. This was his family and they were going to make this right, just like Rodney said.
The stillness broke, and his heart began to move again.
Author: padawan_aneiki
Rating/Pairing: PG/None
Characters: Rodney and John
Summary: John experiences some emotional whiplash as it all catches up to him.
Stilled
Atlantis was stilled, it seemed, holding her breath. John hunched his shoulders a little as he walked along, listening absently to McKay’s distracted mutterings. If he was allowed such an analogy as holding one’s breath, it seemed as if the entire city was poised on the edge, unable as yet to go forward and certainly unable to go back.
To go back... He blinked back sudden and unexpected moisture in his eyes as he suddenly felt the crush of the past weeks bear down on him relentlessly. Carson...Elizabeth...Teyla...
Suddenly John had an uncomfortable realization of why he’d been pestering McKay and Ronon almost nonstop for the past three days, and he swallowed convulsively. They’re all that’s left, an unbidden thought whispered through his mind, and he hunched his shoulders again as if to ward off an outside chill. The last few days had rendered few leads on Teyla, and again he swallowed tightly as he considered the Athosian leader, held prisoner by Michael...and her baby...God, her baby’s due any day.
“See ya later, McKay,” John muttered suddenly, heeling around in mid-step to go back the way they’d come, leaving the scientist standing open-mouthed and surprised at the first words the colonel had spoken in close to an hour.
He couldn’t have said what drove him as he stalked through the corridors of Atlantis, feeling that breathless, cold pause pressing in on him, producing an almost claustrophobic feeling of not being comfortable in his own skin. Because, that’s what it really came down to, didn’t it? He wasn’t comfortable with John Sheppard. He hadn’t been able to save Carson, or Elizabeth, or Teyla. These were his people, the place he felt most at home-David would never understand that-and they were all slowly slipping through his fingers.
John had never been the maudlin type, had never overstated anything he’d felt deeply, almost as if it would cheapen the value of his emotions by speaking the words aloud. He’d never been the type to talk over gravestones, even though he’d often visited his mother’s grave while still on Earth. He wasn’t accustomed to sharing the guilt.
How he found himself standing in the doorway of the stasis room, John didn’t know; especially since he felt like he was inviting the otherworldly silence of the city to crush him where he stood just by being here. He looked up into the equally silent face before him, and he clenched his jaw tightly. Carson-no, he couldn’t think of this man as anyone other than Carson, clone or not-had elected to go into this with his eyes wide open.
John reached up and rubbed his eyes tiredly, trying to order his thoughts, slowly wandering into the room until he was mere feet away from the stasis chamber...and his friend. The closer he got, the more suffocating the silence felt until it throbbed in his head. Hazel eyes looked up into unseeing blue ones, and John clenched his fists at his sides.
“Why didn’t she listen to me, Doc?” he asked, breaking into the stillness that surrounded him. “This was exactly the kind of thing I was...Hell, why didn’t you listen to me? The other you, I mean...” John faltered; it was still a tough bit to wrap his mind around, that the man he now faced in stasis was not the Carson Beckett that had come through the Gate with him from Earth. The silence was shattered into a million hot shards of anger and regret, and John felt them. They stabbed and tore at a place deep inside that he thought he’d buried away with Dex and Mitch...with Holland...even with his father. “Dammit, you should’ve listened to me!” It exploded out of him with all the force he could put behind his voice.
He had to break through, had to escape and before John even realized what he was doing, or imagined the possible consequences, his fist was slamming into the stasis field, behind which Carson remained unblinking, unmoving, part of the damn breathless waiting. “Waiting for what, John? Waiting to lose Rodney and Ronon too?” he demanded of himself even as he cradled a hand he was sure he’d just broken; the blow had had no effect on the stasis field but it had felt like he’d punched a granite wall. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“You don’t give up.”
The voice behind him made him jump, but he didn’t turn around, not yet. “McKay...”
“You don’t...give...up!” Rodney pressed; his voice tight and hard. The scientist strode into the room, hesitating just briefly as he too looked up at the stasis chamber and the motionless figure inside. “Look, I know it looks pretty...Okay, it sucks, but the one thing you, John Sheppard, does not do is give up.”
“I didn’t say I was giving up, Rodney,” John’s voice was soft, and in that moment he let Rodney see how tired he was, how distressed, even how much his hand hurt. “I just...don’t know where to go next. What if...”
“The whole universe doesn’t exactly hang on your shoulders, Colonel,” Rodney chided. “Mine, maybe but definitely not yours. Ronon and I are big boys; well, technically, he’s the big one and I’m the smart one. But the point is we can handle ourselves out there, that’s why you were smart enough to grab us before we were spoken for by some half-wit Marine captain.” John watched as Rodney’s hand fluttered like a wounded bird. “The point is, John, we’re in this with you, all the way. And we’re gonna...we’re gonna find Teyla, and we’re gonna fix Carson. We’re gonna make this right. And...What I was trying to tell you before you so rudely left is that we have another lead.”
The anger melted away, and even the silence seemed to ebb, and John could’ve sworn he felt the city breathe a sigh into his very being. You don’t give up. He glanced up at Carson, then back to Rodney.
“So tell me now,” he ordered crisply as he turned his back on the eerily calm stasis pod, striding from the room purposefully.
“While we’re on the way to the Infirmary; you should have that looked at,” Rodney pointed at the hand that was already lividly bruising. “I don’t know how you expect to hold a P-90 if you’ve busted a hand, although you might have slightly better odds in your next sparring session with Ronon if you have a cast to whack him with...”
“McKay. The lead...?”
“Okay, well it’s thin but it’s a possible location of one of Michael’s outposts...” Rodney was droning again, and John exhaled, letting go of the moment. This was his family and they were going to make this right, just like Rodney said.
The stillness broke, and his heart began to move again.