fic: silenced by the night
Title: Silenced by the Night
Author: starbuckssue
Recipient: brynnh87
Word Count: 6,300
Rating: G
Warnings: John with amnesia, mention of torture but nothing graphic.
Summary: He didn’t remember his life before the cell, so when the strangers appeared at the door he didn’t know what to expect.
Author Notes: I came late to SGA and this is only my third story in the fandom. You asked for John with amnesia, angst, hurt/comfort and working through adversity and I hope you enjoy this. Many thanks to Rosalee for the beta and helpful suggestions.
***
From his position on the ground he had to stare up at the strangers who appeared at his door, cowering back at the sight of the strange woman and the tall, dreadlocked man who hovered menacingly in the doorway.
“Sheppard?” The large man called with a frown.
He stared back uncomprehendingly. He remembered nothing of his life from before the cell. For a few days, men had come and taken him to another room and asked him questions and then whipped or beaten him when he hadn’t known the answers. But even they hadn’t come for several days and the only person he saw was the wizened old man who brought the bucket of fresh water and took away the used bucket in the opposite corner. The cell was kept in almost darkness, the only light being the artificial light which filtered in from the high bars in the door, he guessed his elderly visitor came around once a day but whether it was morning, noon or night he couldn’t tell.
If he was lucky, the old man would bring food. Sometimes a thin gruel or half loaf of bread and a lump of cheese, occasionally a thin meat and vegetable stew, but he was always hungry.
He didn’t remember having clothes and judging by the wounds and scars on his skin he had been tortured but he didn’t remember it happening. He knew he should understand, had vague instincts about self preservation and survival but could recall nothing of himself or where he was from.
“John?” The woman stepped forward and he immediately pulled himself further back, staring up at her from under his lashes, afraid to look straight at her. She moved back, realizing his fear.
“McKay…down here.” The man shouted back down the passageway and a moment later another man appeared and the three newcomers had a whispered conversation before the first two backed further down the passageway, out of his sight.
Something stirred in his memory at the sight of the man called McKay and he felt himself uncurling, staring at the man and searching his memory for something more tangible. A feeling of hope rose over the hopeless desperation he’d been living with since he’d woken up in the cell.
“Colonel? John?” McKay stepped forward slowly, hands half raised in the air. He frowned as he looked from the hands to the face of the man, McKay; there was something about the hands that he thought should mean something.
McKay took another step forward and dropped to a crouch two feet in front of him. He stared at McKay mesmerized at the sight of his brilliant blue eyes and from somewhere deep in his mind the vision of clear blue skies came bubbling forward and he gasped, his body slumping forward as desperate relief made him lightheaded and dizzy and he felt himself caught in a protective embrace. He didn’t know why or how, not yet, but he knew and trusted this man, and finally, finally he realized he was safe.
“You do remember me don’t you, John.” The soft voice murmured in his ear as he was held close to the warm body. “Somewhere in your subconscious mind you know me. I’m sorry it took us so long, but we’re here to take you home.”
***
They had a hard time getting John back to Atlantis. Rodney managed to get sweats, a t-shirt and trainers on the colonel but the traumatized man had shied away from the door every time they’d tried to take him out of the building. It had taken all of Rodney’s limited patience and a lot of reassuring and cajoling to finally persuade the terrified man out of the dimly lit building and into the world outside.
John clung to Rodney, not allowing anyone else to come close, even Ronon or Teyla. They thought they might have a problem persuading him through the Stargate but somehow, like Rodney, it was something which triggered his memory enough not to fear it. He clearly understood everything Rodney said to him but, despite Rodney’s questions, made no attempt to answer them or speak himself.
The gateroom had been cleared of personnel and Elizabeth and Carson were the only people there to greet them, albeit briefly, allowing Rodney to take John straight to the infirmary.
Thanks to Rodney, Carson was able to examine John fairly thoroughly with Kate Heightmeyer observing his behavior throughout and asking a few questions. John hadn’t let go of Rodney the whole time and kept his eyes tightly closed, even though they’d dimmed the lights. Eventually Carson finished his examination and allowed Rodney to take John for a shower to wash the dirt and filth off his body and dress him in clean scrubs.
While John was showering, Carson and Kate reported their findings to the group who were hovering anxiously in one of the infirmary’s waiting rooms.
“How is he Carson?” Elizabeth asked anxiously.
“Physically, he’s not in a bad condition.” Carson began. “He’s underweight and malnourished but not badly dehydrated; from what Rodney said he had a bucket of what seemed like reasonably fresh water and they said they replaced it daily. Dr West is running a sample now.
He was tortured but obviously not within the last few days as the wounds have begun healing and, miraculously, only a couple of them are infected and even then, not badly. I’ll dress them when he’s showered and start him on a broad spectrum antibiotic as well as vitamins.”
“Was it wise to allow him to be up and about so soon?” Elizabeth questioned.
“Aye, Kate and I discussed this. He’s not really injured badly enough to be confined to bed and he’ll feel far more comfortable and in control if he’s clean. He’s not talking at the moment but seems content to follow Rodney’s lead.”
“Why is he only remembering McKay?” Ronon asked abruptly.
Carson looked over at Kate who stepped in to reply.
“Colonel Sheppard spent a lot of time with Dr McKay when he first joined the Expedition before we even left Earth. His ATA gene was the strongest we’d found so he was in high demand to initialize and test a lot of the Ancient equipment the SGC had found. He spent a significant amount of time with Drs Jackson and McKay.
Since arriving on Atlantis, he’s worked more closely with Dr McKay than anyone else, the fact that they are on the same team and spend a lot of downtime together means that Dr McKay is the most familiar person to him. While I’m not certain that he actively remembers Dr McKay, it appears that subconsciously he does know he can trust him.” She explained.
“It is a good thing that he does remember Rodney, otherwise I do not think we would have been able to persuade him to leave.” Teyla commented. “What of his memory, is it because of the torture?”
“Aye, it may be.” Carson replied. “There’s evidence that electrodes of some sort were attached to his temples so they may have given him some kind of electric shock. The torture itself doesn’t seem to have caused too many injuries to the lad physically. I need to get him under the scanners to see what’s going on in his brain as well as to check out his internal organs. The memory loss could just be due to trauma or it could be brain damage but we’ll face that if we need to. I’m also not sure why he’s not talking, he seems to understand, but I don’t know if the lack of speech is because he can’t or doesn’t want to talk.
Right now we need to focus on keeping the laddie calm and not separating him from Rodney until he starts trusting the rest of us, but don’t crowd him, let him come to you.”
“Was he,” Elizabeth broke off awkwardly. “Was he sexually abused in any way?”
“No, that I can tell ye, there’s no evidence at all of any kind of sexual abuse and I have to admit, that was one of my first thoughts when I saw him. I am going to do some more tests this evening and keep him here overnight but let Rodney take him back to his quarters tomorrow, seeing familiar places might help to jog his memory.”
“Thanks Carson, please keep me updated.” She turned and left, followed by Ronon and Teyla.
***
Carson approached the infirmary bed slowly, trying not to disturb either man if they had fallen asleep. Rodney’s eyes flashed open as he drew close to the bed and he smiled wearily at the doctor.
“It’s okay, neither of us are asleep, just resting. You want to do more tests?”
“Aye, if I can, I’d like to get John under the scanner to check both his brain function and his internal organs and I need to draw some blood too. Can I do that John?” He asked softly.
John was quiet for a moment before nodding against Rodney’s shoulder, but he made no effort to move.
“John, Carson needs to take hold of your arm, it’s going to hurt just for a moment as he sticks the needle in but it will be over quickly, okay?” Rodney gently rubbed one hand against John’s elbow before taking hold of it.
John let go of the tight hold he had on Rodney’s scrub top and allowed Rodney to straighten the arm and hold on to it. He tensed up and flinched slightly as he felt Carson’s touch but made no move to pull his arm away. He was steady as Carson swabbed the arm but flinched again when the needle went in and Rodney felt him relax as Carson pulled the needle out after filling several vials of blood.
“Okay laddie, all done now,” Carson taped a small ball of cotton wool over the pinprick as he handed the vials to one of the nurses. “Now let’s get these cuts of yours dressed and then we can get on with the scans.”
Once again John was docile as the scans were done. Rodney stayed close to his side and kept in physical contact with him in some way and as long as he did that John was fine, although he tracked Rodney’s every move.
“Okay, I think we’re done here for now, everything seems okay inside but I’m going to have a closer look at the scans. Back to bed with you and we’ll get you something to eat.”
It didn’t take long before the food arrived, a light but tasty broth for John and stew for Rodney. The arrival of the food encouraged John to be more alert and both men cleared their plates, although John’s eyes were dropping shut by the time he was halfway through his drink. When Rodney suggested he get some sleep he didn’t hesitate, curling once again so he was tucked against Rodney, he fell asleep immediately.
Rodney settled back against the pillows as Carson lowered the lights, finally allowing himself to silently freak out. In the time that Rodney had known him John had always been strong emotionally and had faced so many nightmares without breaking. Now he was so open and vulnerable that it turned Rodney’s world upside down. They’d put their lives in one another’s hands so many times but this was different, John was relying on Rodney both physically and emotionally and Rodney was determined not to let his friend down.
***
Ronon looked up from his breakfast as Teyla joined him at the table, eyes heavy as if she hadn’t slept well. He knew the feeling; he’d given up trying to sleep and had ended up taking a very early morning run before working out with some of the marines in the gym.
“You think Beckett will let Sheppard leave the infirmary today?” He asked conversationally.
“I believe Dr Beckett does not think it wise to keep John in the infirmary; he will gain more from sleeping in his own quarters and following familiar routines to see if any of it will assist in triggering his memory.” She replied.
“What do you think they did to him,” Ronon asked her.
“I do not know, Dr Beckett said he was taking scans of the colonel’s brain to see if there is any damage. We will just have to wait and see what those results are. If there is permanent damage…” She trailed off, not willing to think of the consequences.
“Will they let him stay here or send him back to his planet?”
“I am not sure. At the moment Rodney is the only person who seems familiar to John, but if he has family on Earth he may know them, or they may wish for him to return so they can look after him.”
“May I join you?”
They looked up in surprise, not having seen Elizabeth walk across the mess to where they were seated.
“Of course, Dr Weir, please have a seat.” Teyla responded with a smile. “We were just discussing Colonel Sheppard’s situation and wondering if he would be sent back to Earth if Dr Beckett does think the damage is permanent.”
“I think it’s a little too early to start thinking along those lines.” Elizabeth replied. “One of the reasons I came over is that Carson has asked us all to meet in the conference room in half an hour, he seemed encouraged by the results of the scans so I’m hoping for the best.”
“That is good to hear.” Teyla replied with a diplomatic smile. “We will also hope that the news is good.”
Ronon grunted his agreement, too busy eating to speak.
***
Carson swept into the conference room ahead of time with Kate Heightmeyer close on his heels; Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon, along with Evan Lorne, were already assembled, anxious to hear his findings.
“Good morning. As you know I did further blood tests and scans on Colonel Sheppard last night and I’ve examined him again this morning.
I have discussed the results of all the tests with both John and Rodney. Rodney has explained the situation to him and John has agreed that I can discuss the results with the four of you.” He stopped for a moment for a mouthful of coffee.
“I’m pleased to say that there is nothing untoward in his blood work and his scans all look perfectly normal so I can’t see anything to cause any permanent damage. That being said, there are signs that he was hooked up to electrodes of some kind but no evidence of their purpose.”
“So what’s caused the amnesia?” Elizabeth asked, perplexed.
“I can’t tell I’m afraid. John seems unable rather than unwilling to talk but he does understand questions and can give yes and no answers by way of shaking or nodding his head. He doesn’t remember the electrodes, although he remembers receiving some of the injuries as he was able to point out those he remembered getting; those injuries all look as if they happened within the last five days of his capture.”
“What purpose would they have had for making him forget everything?” Teyla shook her head in puzzlement.
“That probably wasn’t their plan,” Lorne spoke up. “Sheppard’s led rescues behind enemy lines; he would have received the very best training in resisting torture in case he was taken hostage, all the coping mechanisms and tricks to avoid giving away intel to the enemy. My guess is that he used that training and they tried torture to break him, instead they went too far and caused the amnesia.”
“Aye, you could be right, it would make sense.” Carson agreed. “This isn’t the first time the colonel has been tortured, he would automatically fall back on his training in this situation. As it is, there is no reason why his memory shouldn’t return on its own, although he may never remember some of what happened, some torture victims never remember the actual trauma.
Kate has spoken to both John and Rodney this morning and we’re in agreement that we all need to make sure we don’t push him.” He looked over at Kate to continue.
“I’ve suggested that Rodney take John on a walkabout around the city, particularly to places he’s most familiar with. He appears to have put his total trust in Rodney which probably means that while he doesn’t recognize him as such, he senses that he knows and is safe with him. Rodney is going to try and introduce John to people and I’ve suggested showing him photos of the team, pictures where he can see you are all friends and hopefully he will follow Rodney’s lead and trust you too, but you must give him time. He has been traumatized and will need your patience and understanding.” Kate explained as Carson took over the conversation.
“Obviously, it goes without saying that John’s off duty until such time his memory returns and he’s fully fit again. I’d also like for Rodney to have some downtime so he can stay with John until John is comfortable enough with other people on his own, right now Rodney’s his anchor and he gets anxious if Rodney’s not within sight.”
“That’s fine, Carson, I’ll speak to Dr Zelenka and ask him to take the lead with the science teams temporarily. Major Lorne has already taken charge of the military. Rodney can take all the time he needs.” Elizabeth confirmed.
***
Rodney led John out of the infirmary, grateful to be leaving. The session with Kate had been difficult as John still wasn’t talking and had simply nodded or shaken his head at Kate’s questions and with the colonel unable to elaborate it had been a very frustrating exercise.
Although John had sat very close to Rodney he hadn’t appeared afraid at all. There had been no hesitation in entering Kate’s office and he hadn’t seemed shy or worried, in fact, his whole demeanor had been one of curiosity more than anything else. Rodney wasn’t sure whether it was due to John’s trust in him or simply that John subconsciously knew he was home and safe.
Rodney realized that his reactions and emotions were important. John was taking his cue from him and if Rodney was happy and calm in a situation then John was as well. Rodney had become agitated at one point when talking to Carson and his emotions had immediately been picked up by John, who became upset and anxious.
As they were both still in scrubs, their first stop was Rodney’s quarters. While Rodney dressed John wandered around the small room, looking at the certificates and photos, picking up some of the smaller items that lay around the room before getting sidetracked by the chess set sitting on the desk. Rodney saw him staring at it with a frown as he came out of the bathroom.
“Do you recognize the chess set? We do play chess, sometimes in here or in your quarters, we’re both pretty evenly matched so we have some good games.”
John looked up at him and Rodney could see he was searching his memory, in the end he sighed and shrugged his shoulders, so, with Rodney dressed, they moved on to John’s quarters.
“This is your room.” Rodney told him. “Take a look around and see if anything is familiar.” Rodney moved over to grab John some clothes while John wandered over to the night stand, picking up the photo of himself as a small boy with Evel Knievel and staring at it before turning to Rodney with a questioning look.
“Yes, that’s you.” Rodney walked over to his side. “The man is Evel Knievel, he used to do stunts on a motorcycle, jumping over buses and such.”
John traced his finger over the boy in the picture, a look of sadness on his face.
“Hey.” Rodney said softly, reaching up and squeezing John’s shoulder. “You will remember eventually, John, you need to give it time.”
John looked at him hopefully and Rodney smiled in encouragement. “Come on, get some proper clothes on and we’ll go for a walk.”
With John dressed in jeans and t-shirt Rodney led him from the living quarters outside for some fresh air. Gradually they moved into more populated areas indoors and Rodney was glad to see that although John was obviously anxious his stoic nature and natural curiosity were still there, enabling him to deal with his fears as long as Rodney was there for reassurance. It was a humbling experience for Rodney.
Eventually, they found themselves in the mess. John tensed up at seeing so many people but Rodney’s hand on his back, guiding him over to the counter, was enough for him to relax a little and carry on.
Fortunately word had got around and both military and scientists alike were friendly, smiling or passing the time of day without crowding John or expecting him to reply and Rodney sent a silent thank you to whoever had the forethought to spread the warnings.
After lunch Rodney took John to the Puddlejumper Bay. John stared at the small spaceships for a moment, a slightly puzzled frown on his face as if he were trying to remember something and Rodney wondered whether they were triggering a memory.
“Come on, John, let’s go for a ride, you can see the city from above.” He led John to Puddlejumper One, seating him in the co-pilot’s position before taking the pilot’s seat.
“This is McKay to Control. I’m taking Colonel Sheppard out for a spin in Jumper One; we’re not going far, just for a short flight around the city.”
“Rodney, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Elizabeth’s voice came over the ‘com.
“Yes, I think something about the Jumper Bay triggered a memory so I want to see if flying in one will have a reaction.” Rodney explained. “Don’t worry, Elizabeth, we’re not going far and I’ll stay within radio contact at all times.”
“Okay, Rodney, go ahead.” She replied.
“Dr McKay, Jumper One is cleared for takeoff.” Chuck told him.
Rodney opened the roof hatch and the small craft ascended into the skies high above Atlantis.
Rodney looked over at John. There was no fear or anxiety in the man’s face, his hazel eyes were alight with excitement and Rodney smiled softly at the sight. There was an innocence about this John which he could only imagine his own John had lost a long time ago.
They spent two hours circling the city and, to John’s obvious delight, flying high up into the atmosphere with Rodney pointing out the Pegasus constellations. All too soon it was time to return to the city but the trip had been worth it. The anxiety and fear that John had been carrying around him ever since they brought him back from M9X-242 had drained from him, leaving him relaxed and free in a way John Sheppard never was.
By the time they returned to the city it was time to make their way to the infirmary for John’s check up. Dinner and a movie were enough to tire him out so while Rodney settled down with his laptop, John slept.
***
He came awake slowly; the early morning sunlight was already filtering in through the window allowing him to recognize his own room. There were strong arms wrapped around him and even though the man, McKay, or Rodney, he reminded himself, was asleep he still felt safe and protected. He could call up no memories of Rodney but somehow he instinctively knew that the man meant safety and protection.
As he moved Rodney awoke and gently untangled them. Rodney had started off sleeping on the cot two of the marines had brought in but had moved to the bed when John had a nightmare, talking him down gently from a horror he couldn’t understand. After that they’d both fallen asleep again.
They took turns showering and while Rodney was in the shower he went through the drawers, looking at the clothes and other items. He saw the uniforms, recognizing them from the clothing the military staff he’d seen around the city had been wearing. He picked out a long sleeved black t-shirt and boxers, wearing them with the jeans Rodney had picked out for him the previous day. He was just tying his sneakers when Rodney came out of the bathroom, fully dressed.
“Oh, hey, good you’re ready. Let’s grab some breakfast before we have to report to Carson.” Rodney grinned at him enthusiastically and he couldn’t help smiling in return.
Once again they were left to themselves in the mess but John found himself recognizing people from the day before and he smiled shyly at them, receiving smiles and good mornings back. Feeling more comfortable with his surroundings he allowed himself to look around properly this time, trying to dredge up memories of being here before.
After breakfast they made their way to the infirmary, Rodney letting him lead and he was pleased to realize he remembered the way.
Carson was quick with his examination and before long they were once again wandering the halls of the city.
***
Following a flash of inspiration, Rodney’s first stop was the gym. While he didn’t spend much time there himself he knew John did, either sparring with other members of the military contingent or with Ronon or Teyla. As luck would have it, they were both in the gym training when they arrived.
Rodney led John over to one of the benches and they sat and watched as Teyla spun her Bantos Rods around; knocking Ronon’s cleanly out of his hand. He fought back, pinning her to the ground before she twisted and escaped. Both of them were breathing hard and obviously enjoying the challenge.
Rodney split his focus between the fight before him and John. At first John’s face had been interested and curious, a look he’d had on his face quite a lot over the past 24 hours but it had quickly turned into a puzzled frown, as it had the day before with the Puddlejumpers, as if there was something there just out of his grasp.
Teyla had obviously noticed too and she walked a little closer to them.
“John, would you like to spar with me? You were quite proficient at Bantos fighting, although you may not remember your body may, subconsciously, remember the movements.” She smiled warmly at him.
John looked at Rodney a little uncertainly.
“Go ahead, John. Carson didn’t say you couldn’t.” Rodney replied reassuringly. “I’ll wait here for you.”
John stood and slipped his sneakers and socks off, seeing that both Ronon and Teyla were barefoot, he stepped towards her as Ronon flopped down beside Rodney with a bottle of water.
“How’s he doing?” Ronon grunted softly.
“Good,” Rodney replied. “He’s more curious about things today, not that he wasn’t yesterday, but he seems to have lost some of the fear and hesitancy today. He’s still not talking though and Carson doesn’t know why, there doesn’t appear to be a physical reason for it.”
“You gotta see Heightmeyer again?”
“Hmm, we have to see her again this afternoon.” Rodney smirked. “John’s not always the most talkative person, especially when there’s a shrink around, but this is taking it to the next level. Poor Kate has nothing to work with, all she can do is question him and see if she hits on anything which might trigger some kind of reaction. I don’t envy her at all.”
Ronon got up to join some marines who had just come in and Rodney’s attention was drawn back to John. Teyla was definitely going easy on him but it was obvious that the moves were familiar to John, his body reacted without thinking and he was blocking her and attacking with enough skill to defend himself. By the end of their session they were both relaxed and smiling.
“You did very well, John. Your body retains the knowledge of the moves and the skills; let us hope your mind returns your memories to you soon.” Teyla took the sticks from him. “We should meet again this time tomorrow for another practice if you wish.”
John nodded enthusiastically and Rodney rose to his feet to meet them.
“That was good, John.” He looked him up and down and laughed. “But I think you need another shower!”
***
By the time John had showered and changed Rodney decided it was about time for lunch. They met up with Ronon and Teyla and Rodney noticed that John no longer showed any fear at all of his companions. Although he still didn’t speak, he listened attentively as they talked of the upcoming Athosian winter festival and the imminent Christmas-come-midwinter holiday which was to be celebrated on Atlantis in a few days time.
In the afternoon Rodney took John down to the firing range where Evan Lorne had agreed to meet them. Although he had become proficient with both a handgun and P90 Rodney thought that reacquainting John with firearms should probably be supervised by someone with better skills than him.
Again John showed simple curiosity when they entered the range, watching Evan firing his handgun with interest. When Evan finished, Rodney led John over and Evan handed him a gun, clip and a pair of ear protectors. John frowned for a brief moment before expertly loading the gun and putting on the ear guards.
He didn’t need any guidance, the art of firing a gun was obviously not lost as he emptied the clip accurately into the centre of the head and chest, finishing with one shot in each shoulder and leg, turning to them both with an ear splitting grin as he pulled the ear protectors down around his neck.
Evan grinned and nodded in return.
“Well done, Sir.” Evan grinned. “Looks like you haven’t lost your touch. I can’t allow you to carry or use a gun unsupervised at the moment but any time you want to practice let me know and either myself or one of the men will come down here with you.”
John grinned and nodded, looking over at Rodney.
“Oh no, don’t look at me. I only fire when I’m being shot at.” Rodney shrugged. “Come on, we have an appointment to keep.”
The session with Kate Heightmeyer was, as the last one had been, something of a frustrating experience. There was so much they wanted to know but John was unable to tell them. The Natherans had only given a very basic account of what they had done to John and on their return, Elizabeth had ordered that the gate address be locked out of the dialing computer, much to the disgust of Ronon who had wanted to go back and give the Natherans a taste of their own medicine. For all Kate’s artfully structured questions there was no spark of recognition from John so they finished the session no further forward.
The sparring session with Teyla had tired John out so, mindful of the fact that John was supposed to be regaining his strength, Rodney made sure he ate a good dinner in the mess before they retired to John’s room. Having another stroke of inspiration, Rodney detoured to his own quarters for the chess set and to John’s obvious delight, they discovered that chess too, was something he clearly remembered.
***
The next two days followed a very similar pattern; the daily check up with Carson was preceded by breakfast and followed by sparring with Teyla and then lunch. Lunch was followed by target practice at the firing range and another trip in the Puddlejumper, this time with John piloting much to his delight. A further session with Kate ended the day.
Carson was pleased with John’s physical recovery, he was already putting on the weight he had lost and the bruising and cuts had mostly healed. John’s mental and emotional wellbeing, as far as they could tell, seemed to be okay, the lack of memory and speech surprisingly didn’t seem to trouble him. Until he could talk to them though, they couldn’t be sure, particularly as he was still having nightmares each night although Rodney’s presence helped a great deal on that front.
By day five of his return, John was content to be separated from Rodney for short periods, providing he was with Ronon, Teyla or Evan Lorne, which at least gave Rodney a few hours to check up on things with the science teams.
***
On the morning of his sixth day back John woke even earlier than usual. He felt full of energy and didn’t want to lie in bed any longer. Rodney groaned as he rolled over.
“Why are you even awake at this hour of the morning?” Rodney asked. “Is Ronon picking you up for a morning run?” He tried to remember if Ronon had mentioned it the day before.
John looked at him puzzled and shrugged his shoulders and Rodney had a thought. Grabbing his radio he called Ronon, who was just about to start on his run and quickly detoured to John’s room as Rodney found John his sweats and t-shirt.
“Here, put these on and your sneakers. You used to run with Ronon most mornings. Hmm, you’ll need some water too…” Rodney broke off as he looked around for John’s water bottle, finally finding it in the bathroom before flopping back into bed.
“Just wake me for breakfast when you get back, and don’t let him overdo it.” The last said to Ronon who had just arrived.
By the time he’d run with Ronon and sparred with Teyla John was a little tired, so they had a leisurely lunch and headed back to John’s quarters to watch a movie and allow John to have a nap, before joining Ronon and Teyla in the mess for dinner.
***
Rodney woke with a start and listened carefully, for a moment unsure what had disturbed him. A muffled sound reached him, unfamiliar at first but finally registering as the sound of someone crying. Not all out crying but the noise made when someone’s trying desperately to hold back and stifle the sound.
Rodney was up off the cot and across the room like a shot dropping onto the bed and reaching out, pulling John into his arms without a second thought. He’d become used to John’s nightmares but although John had often been distressed this was the first time he’d had this kind of reaction.
“Hey, it’s okay, you’re safe. I’ve got you.” He murmured softly in John’s ear, rocking him gently and holding him close as John’s hands fisted tightly in his sweatshirt.
“I…” the rough voice hesitated, unused for too long. “I remember.” Was all John managed before the sobs broke through and he was crying quietly into Rodney’s shoulder.
Rodney clung on horrified. He’d seen John afraid and upset, admittedly, but oh dear God, what kind of hell had he faced on the planet for it to drive him sob in Rodney’s arms like a child. Rodney really wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
He rocked John and whispered a litany of reassurances until finally, exhausted from the emotional turmoil, John fell asleep in his arms.
Rodney wriggled around so he could lay them both down, settling John’s head on his shoulder, but it was a very long time before he fell asleep.
It was daylight when he woke again and he stretched without thinking, waking John in the process, suddenly remembering the previous night. He sat up and looked at John, surprised after the distress of the night before, to see a calm but amused and slightly embarrassed grin on John’s face, he looked so like the John that Rodney had been missing for the past week that it brought a lump to his throat.
“You remembered what happened to you?” He asked swallowing thickly.
“No,” John replied. “Not what happened on the planet, I still don’t remember anything but the last few days in that cell, but my life. My childhood, my brother, my Dad, my Mom.” He dropped his head swallowing hard. “I remember my Mom’s cancer and her death and what happened after. I remember joining the Air Force, my Dad getting mad at me for not joining the family business, and then losing friends in Afghanistan, joining the Expedition, coming to Atlantis. It was just overwhelming.” He grinned weakly at Rodney before his face took on a serious expression. “God, Rodney, everything you’ve done for me for the past few days, its…” He broke off and looked away as his voice choked.
“Hey, it’s nothing you wouldn’t have done for me.” Rodney replied matter-of-factly. “It’s what friends are for, admittedly it was a little strange at times but, hey, I’m just glad that I could help.”
“You did help, Rodney, more than you know.” John admitted. “I had no memory of anything other than that cell and occasionally another room they took me to a couple of times. They kept asking me questions but I didn’t know the answers and in the end they just stuck me in that cell and left me there, I’d seen no-one for days except the old man who brought the food and water. When Ronon and Teyla opened the door I was terrified, I didn’t recognize them at all but when I saw you, I didn’t so much as remember you but I just knew, somehow, that I could trust you, that you meant safety and protection.” He colored a little. “I just don’t know what I would have done without you. Thank you, buddy, I owe you one.”
“No,” Rodney shook his head with a lopsided grin. “You don’t owe me anything but I’m sure you’ll have your chance to make it up to me some time, this is Pegasus after all.”
Author: starbuckssue
Recipient: brynnh87
Word Count: 6,300
Rating: G
Warnings: John with amnesia, mention of torture but nothing graphic.
Summary: He didn’t remember his life before the cell, so when the strangers appeared at the door he didn’t know what to expect.
Author Notes: I came late to SGA and this is only my third story in the fandom. You asked for John with amnesia, angst, hurt/comfort and working through adversity and I hope you enjoy this. Many thanks to Rosalee for the beta and helpful suggestions.
***
From his position on the ground he had to stare up at the strangers who appeared at his door, cowering back at the sight of the strange woman and the tall, dreadlocked man who hovered menacingly in the doorway.
“Sheppard?” The large man called with a frown.
He stared back uncomprehendingly. He remembered nothing of his life from before the cell. For a few days, men had come and taken him to another room and asked him questions and then whipped or beaten him when he hadn’t known the answers. But even they hadn’t come for several days and the only person he saw was the wizened old man who brought the bucket of fresh water and took away the used bucket in the opposite corner. The cell was kept in almost darkness, the only light being the artificial light which filtered in from the high bars in the door, he guessed his elderly visitor came around once a day but whether it was morning, noon or night he couldn’t tell.
If he was lucky, the old man would bring food. Sometimes a thin gruel or half loaf of bread and a lump of cheese, occasionally a thin meat and vegetable stew, but he was always hungry.
He didn’t remember having clothes and judging by the wounds and scars on his skin he had been tortured but he didn’t remember it happening. He knew he should understand, had vague instincts about self preservation and survival but could recall nothing of himself or where he was from.
“John?” The woman stepped forward and he immediately pulled himself further back, staring up at her from under his lashes, afraid to look straight at her. She moved back, realizing his fear.
“McKay…down here.” The man shouted back down the passageway and a moment later another man appeared and the three newcomers had a whispered conversation before the first two backed further down the passageway, out of his sight.
Something stirred in his memory at the sight of the man called McKay and he felt himself uncurling, staring at the man and searching his memory for something more tangible. A feeling of hope rose over the hopeless desperation he’d been living with since he’d woken up in the cell.
“Colonel? John?” McKay stepped forward slowly, hands half raised in the air. He frowned as he looked from the hands to the face of the man, McKay; there was something about the hands that he thought should mean something.
McKay took another step forward and dropped to a crouch two feet in front of him. He stared at McKay mesmerized at the sight of his brilliant blue eyes and from somewhere deep in his mind the vision of clear blue skies came bubbling forward and he gasped, his body slumping forward as desperate relief made him lightheaded and dizzy and he felt himself caught in a protective embrace. He didn’t know why or how, not yet, but he knew and trusted this man, and finally, finally he realized he was safe.
“You do remember me don’t you, John.” The soft voice murmured in his ear as he was held close to the warm body. “Somewhere in your subconscious mind you know me. I’m sorry it took us so long, but we’re here to take you home.”
***
They had a hard time getting John back to Atlantis. Rodney managed to get sweats, a t-shirt and trainers on the colonel but the traumatized man had shied away from the door every time they’d tried to take him out of the building. It had taken all of Rodney’s limited patience and a lot of reassuring and cajoling to finally persuade the terrified man out of the dimly lit building and into the world outside.
John clung to Rodney, not allowing anyone else to come close, even Ronon or Teyla. They thought they might have a problem persuading him through the Stargate but somehow, like Rodney, it was something which triggered his memory enough not to fear it. He clearly understood everything Rodney said to him but, despite Rodney’s questions, made no attempt to answer them or speak himself.
The gateroom had been cleared of personnel and Elizabeth and Carson were the only people there to greet them, albeit briefly, allowing Rodney to take John straight to the infirmary.
Thanks to Rodney, Carson was able to examine John fairly thoroughly with Kate Heightmeyer observing his behavior throughout and asking a few questions. John hadn’t let go of Rodney the whole time and kept his eyes tightly closed, even though they’d dimmed the lights. Eventually Carson finished his examination and allowed Rodney to take John for a shower to wash the dirt and filth off his body and dress him in clean scrubs.
While John was showering, Carson and Kate reported their findings to the group who were hovering anxiously in one of the infirmary’s waiting rooms.
“How is he Carson?” Elizabeth asked anxiously.
“Physically, he’s not in a bad condition.” Carson began. “He’s underweight and malnourished but not badly dehydrated; from what Rodney said he had a bucket of what seemed like reasonably fresh water and they said they replaced it daily. Dr West is running a sample now.
He was tortured but obviously not within the last few days as the wounds have begun healing and, miraculously, only a couple of them are infected and even then, not badly. I’ll dress them when he’s showered and start him on a broad spectrum antibiotic as well as vitamins.”
“Was it wise to allow him to be up and about so soon?” Elizabeth questioned.
“Aye, Kate and I discussed this. He’s not really injured badly enough to be confined to bed and he’ll feel far more comfortable and in control if he’s clean. He’s not talking at the moment but seems content to follow Rodney’s lead.”
“Why is he only remembering McKay?” Ronon asked abruptly.
Carson looked over at Kate who stepped in to reply.
“Colonel Sheppard spent a lot of time with Dr McKay when he first joined the Expedition before we even left Earth. His ATA gene was the strongest we’d found so he was in high demand to initialize and test a lot of the Ancient equipment the SGC had found. He spent a significant amount of time with Drs Jackson and McKay.
Since arriving on Atlantis, he’s worked more closely with Dr McKay than anyone else, the fact that they are on the same team and spend a lot of downtime together means that Dr McKay is the most familiar person to him. While I’m not certain that he actively remembers Dr McKay, it appears that subconsciously he does know he can trust him.” She explained.
“It is a good thing that he does remember Rodney, otherwise I do not think we would have been able to persuade him to leave.” Teyla commented. “What of his memory, is it because of the torture?”
“Aye, it may be.” Carson replied. “There’s evidence that electrodes of some sort were attached to his temples so they may have given him some kind of electric shock. The torture itself doesn’t seem to have caused too many injuries to the lad physically. I need to get him under the scanners to see what’s going on in his brain as well as to check out his internal organs. The memory loss could just be due to trauma or it could be brain damage but we’ll face that if we need to. I’m also not sure why he’s not talking, he seems to understand, but I don’t know if the lack of speech is because he can’t or doesn’t want to talk.
Right now we need to focus on keeping the laddie calm and not separating him from Rodney until he starts trusting the rest of us, but don’t crowd him, let him come to you.”
“Was he,” Elizabeth broke off awkwardly. “Was he sexually abused in any way?”
“No, that I can tell ye, there’s no evidence at all of any kind of sexual abuse and I have to admit, that was one of my first thoughts when I saw him. I am going to do some more tests this evening and keep him here overnight but let Rodney take him back to his quarters tomorrow, seeing familiar places might help to jog his memory.”
“Thanks Carson, please keep me updated.” She turned and left, followed by Ronon and Teyla.
***
Carson approached the infirmary bed slowly, trying not to disturb either man if they had fallen asleep. Rodney’s eyes flashed open as he drew close to the bed and he smiled wearily at the doctor.
“It’s okay, neither of us are asleep, just resting. You want to do more tests?”
“Aye, if I can, I’d like to get John under the scanner to check both his brain function and his internal organs and I need to draw some blood too. Can I do that John?” He asked softly.
John was quiet for a moment before nodding against Rodney’s shoulder, but he made no effort to move.
“John, Carson needs to take hold of your arm, it’s going to hurt just for a moment as he sticks the needle in but it will be over quickly, okay?” Rodney gently rubbed one hand against John’s elbow before taking hold of it.
John let go of the tight hold he had on Rodney’s scrub top and allowed Rodney to straighten the arm and hold on to it. He tensed up and flinched slightly as he felt Carson’s touch but made no move to pull his arm away. He was steady as Carson swabbed the arm but flinched again when the needle went in and Rodney felt him relax as Carson pulled the needle out after filling several vials of blood.
“Okay laddie, all done now,” Carson taped a small ball of cotton wool over the pinprick as he handed the vials to one of the nurses. “Now let’s get these cuts of yours dressed and then we can get on with the scans.”
Once again John was docile as the scans were done. Rodney stayed close to his side and kept in physical contact with him in some way and as long as he did that John was fine, although he tracked Rodney’s every move.
“Okay, I think we’re done here for now, everything seems okay inside but I’m going to have a closer look at the scans. Back to bed with you and we’ll get you something to eat.”
It didn’t take long before the food arrived, a light but tasty broth for John and stew for Rodney. The arrival of the food encouraged John to be more alert and both men cleared their plates, although John’s eyes were dropping shut by the time he was halfway through his drink. When Rodney suggested he get some sleep he didn’t hesitate, curling once again so he was tucked against Rodney, he fell asleep immediately.
Rodney settled back against the pillows as Carson lowered the lights, finally allowing himself to silently freak out. In the time that Rodney had known him John had always been strong emotionally and had faced so many nightmares without breaking. Now he was so open and vulnerable that it turned Rodney’s world upside down. They’d put their lives in one another’s hands so many times but this was different, John was relying on Rodney both physically and emotionally and Rodney was determined not to let his friend down.
***
Ronon looked up from his breakfast as Teyla joined him at the table, eyes heavy as if she hadn’t slept well. He knew the feeling; he’d given up trying to sleep and had ended up taking a very early morning run before working out with some of the marines in the gym.
“You think Beckett will let Sheppard leave the infirmary today?” He asked conversationally.
“I believe Dr Beckett does not think it wise to keep John in the infirmary; he will gain more from sleeping in his own quarters and following familiar routines to see if any of it will assist in triggering his memory.” She replied.
“What do you think they did to him,” Ronon asked her.
“I do not know, Dr Beckett said he was taking scans of the colonel’s brain to see if there is any damage. We will just have to wait and see what those results are. If there is permanent damage…” She trailed off, not willing to think of the consequences.
“Will they let him stay here or send him back to his planet?”
“I am not sure. At the moment Rodney is the only person who seems familiar to John, but if he has family on Earth he may know them, or they may wish for him to return so they can look after him.”
“May I join you?”
They looked up in surprise, not having seen Elizabeth walk across the mess to where they were seated.
“Of course, Dr Weir, please have a seat.” Teyla responded with a smile. “We were just discussing Colonel Sheppard’s situation and wondering if he would be sent back to Earth if Dr Beckett does think the damage is permanent.”
“I think it’s a little too early to start thinking along those lines.” Elizabeth replied. “One of the reasons I came over is that Carson has asked us all to meet in the conference room in half an hour, he seemed encouraged by the results of the scans so I’m hoping for the best.”
“That is good to hear.” Teyla replied with a diplomatic smile. “We will also hope that the news is good.”
Ronon grunted his agreement, too busy eating to speak.
***
Carson swept into the conference room ahead of time with Kate Heightmeyer close on his heels; Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon, along with Evan Lorne, were already assembled, anxious to hear his findings.
“Good morning. As you know I did further blood tests and scans on Colonel Sheppard last night and I’ve examined him again this morning.
I have discussed the results of all the tests with both John and Rodney. Rodney has explained the situation to him and John has agreed that I can discuss the results with the four of you.” He stopped for a moment for a mouthful of coffee.
“I’m pleased to say that there is nothing untoward in his blood work and his scans all look perfectly normal so I can’t see anything to cause any permanent damage. That being said, there are signs that he was hooked up to electrodes of some kind but no evidence of their purpose.”
“So what’s caused the amnesia?” Elizabeth asked, perplexed.
“I can’t tell I’m afraid. John seems unable rather than unwilling to talk but he does understand questions and can give yes and no answers by way of shaking or nodding his head. He doesn’t remember the electrodes, although he remembers receiving some of the injuries as he was able to point out those he remembered getting; those injuries all look as if they happened within the last five days of his capture.”
“What purpose would they have had for making him forget everything?” Teyla shook her head in puzzlement.
“That probably wasn’t their plan,” Lorne spoke up. “Sheppard’s led rescues behind enemy lines; he would have received the very best training in resisting torture in case he was taken hostage, all the coping mechanisms and tricks to avoid giving away intel to the enemy. My guess is that he used that training and they tried torture to break him, instead they went too far and caused the amnesia.”
“Aye, you could be right, it would make sense.” Carson agreed. “This isn’t the first time the colonel has been tortured, he would automatically fall back on his training in this situation. As it is, there is no reason why his memory shouldn’t return on its own, although he may never remember some of what happened, some torture victims never remember the actual trauma.
Kate has spoken to both John and Rodney this morning and we’re in agreement that we all need to make sure we don’t push him.” He looked over at Kate to continue.
“I’ve suggested that Rodney take John on a walkabout around the city, particularly to places he’s most familiar with. He appears to have put his total trust in Rodney which probably means that while he doesn’t recognize him as such, he senses that he knows and is safe with him. Rodney is going to try and introduce John to people and I’ve suggested showing him photos of the team, pictures where he can see you are all friends and hopefully he will follow Rodney’s lead and trust you too, but you must give him time. He has been traumatized and will need your patience and understanding.” Kate explained as Carson took over the conversation.
“Obviously, it goes without saying that John’s off duty until such time his memory returns and he’s fully fit again. I’d also like for Rodney to have some downtime so he can stay with John until John is comfortable enough with other people on his own, right now Rodney’s his anchor and he gets anxious if Rodney’s not within sight.”
“That’s fine, Carson, I’ll speak to Dr Zelenka and ask him to take the lead with the science teams temporarily. Major Lorne has already taken charge of the military. Rodney can take all the time he needs.” Elizabeth confirmed.
***
Rodney led John out of the infirmary, grateful to be leaving. The session with Kate had been difficult as John still wasn’t talking and had simply nodded or shaken his head at Kate’s questions and with the colonel unable to elaborate it had been a very frustrating exercise.
Although John had sat very close to Rodney he hadn’t appeared afraid at all. There had been no hesitation in entering Kate’s office and he hadn’t seemed shy or worried, in fact, his whole demeanor had been one of curiosity more than anything else. Rodney wasn’t sure whether it was due to John’s trust in him or simply that John subconsciously knew he was home and safe.
Rodney realized that his reactions and emotions were important. John was taking his cue from him and if Rodney was happy and calm in a situation then John was as well. Rodney had become agitated at one point when talking to Carson and his emotions had immediately been picked up by John, who became upset and anxious.
As they were both still in scrubs, their first stop was Rodney’s quarters. While Rodney dressed John wandered around the small room, looking at the certificates and photos, picking up some of the smaller items that lay around the room before getting sidetracked by the chess set sitting on the desk. Rodney saw him staring at it with a frown as he came out of the bathroom.
“Do you recognize the chess set? We do play chess, sometimes in here or in your quarters, we’re both pretty evenly matched so we have some good games.”
John looked up at him and Rodney could see he was searching his memory, in the end he sighed and shrugged his shoulders, so, with Rodney dressed, they moved on to John’s quarters.
“This is your room.” Rodney told him. “Take a look around and see if anything is familiar.” Rodney moved over to grab John some clothes while John wandered over to the night stand, picking up the photo of himself as a small boy with Evel Knievel and staring at it before turning to Rodney with a questioning look.
“Yes, that’s you.” Rodney walked over to his side. “The man is Evel Knievel, he used to do stunts on a motorcycle, jumping over buses and such.”
John traced his finger over the boy in the picture, a look of sadness on his face.
“Hey.” Rodney said softly, reaching up and squeezing John’s shoulder. “You will remember eventually, John, you need to give it time.”
John looked at him hopefully and Rodney smiled in encouragement. “Come on, get some proper clothes on and we’ll go for a walk.”
With John dressed in jeans and t-shirt Rodney led him from the living quarters outside for some fresh air. Gradually they moved into more populated areas indoors and Rodney was glad to see that although John was obviously anxious his stoic nature and natural curiosity were still there, enabling him to deal with his fears as long as Rodney was there for reassurance. It was a humbling experience for Rodney.
Eventually, they found themselves in the mess. John tensed up at seeing so many people but Rodney’s hand on his back, guiding him over to the counter, was enough for him to relax a little and carry on.
Fortunately word had got around and both military and scientists alike were friendly, smiling or passing the time of day without crowding John or expecting him to reply and Rodney sent a silent thank you to whoever had the forethought to spread the warnings.
After lunch Rodney took John to the Puddlejumper Bay. John stared at the small spaceships for a moment, a slightly puzzled frown on his face as if he were trying to remember something and Rodney wondered whether they were triggering a memory.
“Come on, John, let’s go for a ride, you can see the city from above.” He led John to Puddlejumper One, seating him in the co-pilot’s position before taking the pilot’s seat.
“This is McKay to Control. I’m taking Colonel Sheppard out for a spin in Jumper One; we’re not going far, just for a short flight around the city.”
“Rodney, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Elizabeth’s voice came over the ‘com.
“Yes, I think something about the Jumper Bay triggered a memory so I want to see if flying in one will have a reaction.” Rodney explained. “Don’t worry, Elizabeth, we’re not going far and I’ll stay within radio contact at all times.”
“Okay, Rodney, go ahead.” She replied.
“Dr McKay, Jumper One is cleared for takeoff.” Chuck told him.
Rodney opened the roof hatch and the small craft ascended into the skies high above Atlantis.
Rodney looked over at John. There was no fear or anxiety in the man’s face, his hazel eyes were alight with excitement and Rodney smiled softly at the sight. There was an innocence about this John which he could only imagine his own John had lost a long time ago.
They spent two hours circling the city and, to John’s obvious delight, flying high up into the atmosphere with Rodney pointing out the Pegasus constellations. All too soon it was time to return to the city but the trip had been worth it. The anxiety and fear that John had been carrying around him ever since they brought him back from M9X-242 had drained from him, leaving him relaxed and free in a way John Sheppard never was.
By the time they returned to the city it was time to make their way to the infirmary for John’s check up. Dinner and a movie were enough to tire him out so while Rodney settled down with his laptop, John slept.
***
He came awake slowly; the early morning sunlight was already filtering in through the window allowing him to recognize his own room. There were strong arms wrapped around him and even though the man, McKay, or Rodney, he reminded himself, was asleep he still felt safe and protected. He could call up no memories of Rodney but somehow he instinctively knew that the man meant safety and protection.
As he moved Rodney awoke and gently untangled them. Rodney had started off sleeping on the cot two of the marines had brought in but had moved to the bed when John had a nightmare, talking him down gently from a horror he couldn’t understand. After that they’d both fallen asleep again.
They took turns showering and while Rodney was in the shower he went through the drawers, looking at the clothes and other items. He saw the uniforms, recognizing them from the clothing the military staff he’d seen around the city had been wearing. He picked out a long sleeved black t-shirt and boxers, wearing them with the jeans Rodney had picked out for him the previous day. He was just tying his sneakers when Rodney came out of the bathroom, fully dressed.
“Oh, hey, good you’re ready. Let’s grab some breakfast before we have to report to Carson.” Rodney grinned at him enthusiastically and he couldn’t help smiling in return.
Once again they were left to themselves in the mess but John found himself recognizing people from the day before and he smiled shyly at them, receiving smiles and good mornings back. Feeling more comfortable with his surroundings he allowed himself to look around properly this time, trying to dredge up memories of being here before.
After breakfast they made their way to the infirmary, Rodney letting him lead and he was pleased to realize he remembered the way.
Carson was quick with his examination and before long they were once again wandering the halls of the city.
***
Following a flash of inspiration, Rodney’s first stop was the gym. While he didn’t spend much time there himself he knew John did, either sparring with other members of the military contingent or with Ronon or Teyla. As luck would have it, they were both in the gym training when they arrived.
Rodney led John over to one of the benches and they sat and watched as Teyla spun her Bantos Rods around; knocking Ronon’s cleanly out of his hand. He fought back, pinning her to the ground before she twisted and escaped. Both of them were breathing hard and obviously enjoying the challenge.
Rodney split his focus between the fight before him and John. At first John’s face had been interested and curious, a look he’d had on his face quite a lot over the past 24 hours but it had quickly turned into a puzzled frown, as it had the day before with the Puddlejumpers, as if there was something there just out of his grasp.
Teyla had obviously noticed too and she walked a little closer to them.
“John, would you like to spar with me? You were quite proficient at Bantos fighting, although you may not remember your body may, subconsciously, remember the movements.” She smiled warmly at him.
John looked at Rodney a little uncertainly.
“Go ahead, John. Carson didn’t say you couldn’t.” Rodney replied reassuringly. “I’ll wait here for you.”
John stood and slipped his sneakers and socks off, seeing that both Ronon and Teyla were barefoot, he stepped towards her as Ronon flopped down beside Rodney with a bottle of water.
“How’s he doing?” Ronon grunted softly.
“Good,” Rodney replied. “He’s more curious about things today, not that he wasn’t yesterday, but he seems to have lost some of the fear and hesitancy today. He’s still not talking though and Carson doesn’t know why, there doesn’t appear to be a physical reason for it.”
“You gotta see Heightmeyer again?”
“Hmm, we have to see her again this afternoon.” Rodney smirked. “John’s not always the most talkative person, especially when there’s a shrink around, but this is taking it to the next level. Poor Kate has nothing to work with, all she can do is question him and see if she hits on anything which might trigger some kind of reaction. I don’t envy her at all.”
Ronon got up to join some marines who had just come in and Rodney’s attention was drawn back to John. Teyla was definitely going easy on him but it was obvious that the moves were familiar to John, his body reacted without thinking and he was blocking her and attacking with enough skill to defend himself. By the end of their session they were both relaxed and smiling.
“You did very well, John. Your body retains the knowledge of the moves and the skills; let us hope your mind returns your memories to you soon.” Teyla took the sticks from him. “We should meet again this time tomorrow for another practice if you wish.”
John nodded enthusiastically and Rodney rose to his feet to meet them.
“That was good, John.” He looked him up and down and laughed. “But I think you need another shower!”
***
By the time John had showered and changed Rodney decided it was about time for lunch. They met up with Ronon and Teyla and Rodney noticed that John no longer showed any fear at all of his companions. Although he still didn’t speak, he listened attentively as they talked of the upcoming Athosian winter festival and the imminent Christmas-come-midwinter holiday which was to be celebrated on Atlantis in a few days time.
In the afternoon Rodney took John down to the firing range where Evan Lorne had agreed to meet them. Although he had become proficient with both a handgun and P90 Rodney thought that reacquainting John with firearms should probably be supervised by someone with better skills than him.
Again John showed simple curiosity when they entered the range, watching Evan firing his handgun with interest. When Evan finished, Rodney led John over and Evan handed him a gun, clip and a pair of ear protectors. John frowned for a brief moment before expertly loading the gun and putting on the ear guards.
He didn’t need any guidance, the art of firing a gun was obviously not lost as he emptied the clip accurately into the centre of the head and chest, finishing with one shot in each shoulder and leg, turning to them both with an ear splitting grin as he pulled the ear protectors down around his neck.
Evan grinned and nodded in return.
“Well done, Sir.” Evan grinned. “Looks like you haven’t lost your touch. I can’t allow you to carry or use a gun unsupervised at the moment but any time you want to practice let me know and either myself or one of the men will come down here with you.”
John grinned and nodded, looking over at Rodney.
“Oh no, don’t look at me. I only fire when I’m being shot at.” Rodney shrugged. “Come on, we have an appointment to keep.”
The session with Kate Heightmeyer was, as the last one had been, something of a frustrating experience. There was so much they wanted to know but John was unable to tell them. The Natherans had only given a very basic account of what they had done to John and on their return, Elizabeth had ordered that the gate address be locked out of the dialing computer, much to the disgust of Ronon who had wanted to go back and give the Natherans a taste of their own medicine. For all Kate’s artfully structured questions there was no spark of recognition from John so they finished the session no further forward.
The sparring session with Teyla had tired John out so, mindful of the fact that John was supposed to be regaining his strength, Rodney made sure he ate a good dinner in the mess before they retired to John’s room. Having another stroke of inspiration, Rodney detoured to his own quarters for the chess set and to John’s obvious delight, they discovered that chess too, was something he clearly remembered.
***
The next two days followed a very similar pattern; the daily check up with Carson was preceded by breakfast and followed by sparring with Teyla and then lunch. Lunch was followed by target practice at the firing range and another trip in the Puddlejumper, this time with John piloting much to his delight. A further session with Kate ended the day.
Carson was pleased with John’s physical recovery, he was already putting on the weight he had lost and the bruising and cuts had mostly healed. John’s mental and emotional wellbeing, as far as they could tell, seemed to be okay, the lack of memory and speech surprisingly didn’t seem to trouble him. Until he could talk to them though, they couldn’t be sure, particularly as he was still having nightmares each night although Rodney’s presence helped a great deal on that front.
By day five of his return, John was content to be separated from Rodney for short periods, providing he was with Ronon, Teyla or Evan Lorne, which at least gave Rodney a few hours to check up on things with the science teams.
***
On the morning of his sixth day back John woke even earlier than usual. He felt full of energy and didn’t want to lie in bed any longer. Rodney groaned as he rolled over.
“Why are you even awake at this hour of the morning?” Rodney asked. “Is Ronon picking you up for a morning run?” He tried to remember if Ronon had mentioned it the day before.
John looked at him puzzled and shrugged his shoulders and Rodney had a thought. Grabbing his radio he called Ronon, who was just about to start on his run and quickly detoured to John’s room as Rodney found John his sweats and t-shirt.
“Here, put these on and your sneakers. You used to run with Ronon most mornings. Hmm, you’ll need some water too…” Rodney broke off as he looked around for John’s water bottle, finally finding it in the bathroom before flopping back into bed.
“Just wake me for breakfast when you get back, and don’t let him overdo it.” The last said to Ronon who had just arrived.
By the time he’d run with Ronon and sparred with Teyla John was a little tired, so they had a leisurely lunch and headed back to John’s quarters to watch a movie and allow John to have a nap, before joining Ronon and Teyla in the mess for dinner.
***
Rodney woke with a start and listened carefully, for a moment unsure what had disturbed him. A muffled sound reached him, unfamiliar at first but finally registering as the sound of someone crying. Not all out crying but the noise made when someone’s trying desperately to hold back and stifle the sound.
Rodney was up off the cot and across the room like a shot dropping onto the bed and reaching out, pulling John into his arms without a second thought. He’d become used to John’s nightmares but although John had often been distressed this was the first time he’d had this kind of reaction.
“Hey, it’s okay, you’re safe. I’ve got you.” He murmured softly in John’s ear, rocking him gently and holding him close as John’s hands fisted tightly in his sweatshirt.
“I…” the rough voice hesitated, unused for too long. “I remember.” Was all John managed before the sobs broke through and he was crying quietly into Rodney’s shoulder.
Rodney clung on horrified. He’d seen John afraid and upset, admittedly, but oh dear God, what kind of hell had he faced on the planet for it to drive him sob in Rodney’s arms like a child. Rodney really wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
He rocked John and whispered a litany of reassurances until finally, exhausted from the emotional turmoil, John fell asleep in his arms.
Rodney wriggled around so he could lay them both down, settling John’s head on his shoulder, but it was a very long time before he fell asleep.
It was daylight when he woke again and he stretched without thinking, waking John in the process, suddenly remembering the previous night. He sat up and looked at John, surprised after the distress of the night before, to see a calm but amused and slightly embarrassed grin on John’s face, he looked so like the John that Rodney had been missing for the past week that it brought a lump to his throat.
“You remembered what happened to you?” He asked swallowing thickly.
“No,” John replied. “Not what happened on the planet, I still don’t remember anything but the last few days in that cell, but my life. My childhood, my brother, my Dad, my Mom.” He dropped his head swallowing hard. “I remember my Mom’s cancer and her death and what happened after. I remember joining the Air Force, my Dad getting mad at me for not joining the family business, and then losing friends in Afghanistan, joining the Expedition, coming to Atlantis. It was just overwhelming.” He grinned weakly at Rodney before his face took on a serious expression. “God, Rodney, everything you’ve done for me for the past few days, its…” He broke off and looked away as his voice choked.
“Hey, it’s nothing you wouldn’t have done for me.” Rodney replied matter-of-factly. “It’s what friends are for, admittedly it was a little strange at times but, hey, I’m just glad that I could help.”
“You did help, Rodney, more than you know.” John admitted. “I had no memory of anything other than that cell and occasionally another room they took me to a couple of times. They kept asking me questions but I didn’t know the answers and in the end they just stuck me in that cell and left me there, I’d seen no-one for days except the old man who brought the food and water. When Ronon and Teyla opened the door I was terrified, I didn’t recognize them at all but when I saw you, I didn’t so much as remember you but I just knew, somehow, that I could trust you, that you meant safety and protection.” He colored a little. “I just don’t know what I would have done without you. Thank you, buddy, I owe you one.”
“No,” Rodney shook his head with a lopsided grin. “You don’t owe me anything but I’m sure you’ll have your chance to make it up to me some time, this is Pegasus after all.”