(no subject)
sometimes i wonder why i write in here and then i relalize its for me. For me to put my thoughts down and almost leave it behind. I feel like people always come to me for advice and whine and ocmplian and just want a shoulder to cry on. Honestly, i feel like i cant do that to anyone except for one person. She always knows how to cheer me up or gives the best advice. I guess thats why she is my true best friend. I never get sick of her calling or texting me. I never get sick of her IMing me. I love her to death but this week has been too much for me emotionally, physically and mentally. I am so excited that i get to go home. I just want to sleep in my bed with no one around me. I want to have good meals where i wont thing about throwing up when i think about eating. Where i can see my friends and have some more memories. But most of all where i can see him and talk to him in person. I can talk on the phone or on IM but nothing really compares to actualy talking to him in person. There are so many things running through my head right now. I dont care what she says to me. Im going to try really harder to toughen up. Someone special is helping me with that and hopefully he will follow through. im going to try and have self control. With my mouth with my thoughts and with my actions. I speak the truth all the time and sometimes that is just not what people want to hear. I think nasty thoughts like judgemental and how i wish i were other people or regret things. and i need to stop acting in the moment. ive been almost stalkerish and pushed things way too far lately. I need to take a step back and breathe and do things and let them come to me. I need to stop acting on impulses and let things settle in for a bit. I need to listen and not speak. i need to love and not hate. i need to be sympathetic (well not really that wont happen) i need to be open to other ideas. I need to think more. i need to love more.
I hope that you know how much i have let you down and myself down. You mean so much to me to not have you in my life. I seem to have taken you for granted and need to know that i could mess up in an instant and you could be gone. So just know that no matter how many times i say i love, i mean each and every one of them. No matter how much i get frustrated, its usually me regretting something i said to you. When i get mad or angry it is at me and me wanting things (though you do make me mad or upset sometimes). Yet always remeber, you were the first person who i fell head over heels for, and fell in LOVE with you.
i wish and dream for the day when i know you and i will be together forever and that there will be no one to take you away from me. No one but the almighty one.
I hope that you know how much i have let you down and myself down. You mean so much to me to not have you in my life. I seem to have taken you for granted and need to know that i could mess up in an instant and you could be gone. So just know that no matter how many times i say i love, i mean each and every one of them. No matter how much i get frustrated, its usually me regretting something i said to you. When i get mad or angry it is at me and me wanting things (though you do make me mad or upset sometimes). Yet always remeber, you were the first person who i fell head over heels for, and fell in LOVE with you.
i wish and dream for the day when i know you and i will be together forever and that there will be no one to take you away from me. No one but the almighty one.