(no subject)
I just don't know what to do. I try so hard to be the best friend that I can and it seems that I fail regularly. The thing I hate most is the drifting away of friends, and I try to be mindful of it, alleviate the problem as best I can, and continue on like before. But it is just getting so taxing. I don't mean to sound self-aggrandizing, but it seems that most of the time I am the only one that goes day by day altering the things I do to stop this from happening. I make decisions based around it because it is so important to me, but it seems like I am the only one. That is what worries me. I am worried that maybe I am holding on too hard to people that I feel are close to me. I am also worried why I always have to do the chasing.
It could be the case that I am holding on too hard, but what, in reality, does that really come down to? Holding on too hard? Why too hard? Because college is where I break off from my high school friends, where I am supposed to make new friends? Fuck that shit. Why would I go out of my way to sift through the general dumbass, bro demeanor of ninety percent of this place to find someone I might like? I have found the people I am closest to and feel no need to break that off. I hate the conception that in college, do as college kids have done. Just because people make lifelong friends in college doesn't mean I should force trying to find one, assuming I haven't found a few already. The "college experience" bullshit is getting to me. It makes you act like you aren't. You begin to live a stereotype that you imagine, but why? To look cool? To fit in? It doesn't make you look cool, or maybe it does to a few people but they are probably of no consequence to me. And you fit in only with people that actually are what you pretend to be, or they are pretenders themselves. There is no appeal to me in living a "college experience", in the sense that it is some other thing that I am doing now as opposed to my daily life which I experience and happen to be in college.
Also, why do I have to do the chasing? It seems to be a common theme someone will drift and I try to pull them back in because I am close to that person, but why do they drift in the first place if they say they enjoy my company etc? If that was the case then this level of frequency wouldn't happen. It is suspect to me that this is just some phenomenon, or that people "get busy", or "i have a lot of homework everyday". That is another thing that I also can't stand. When friends don't hang out for days (and sometimes weeks) at a time with the excuse of homework. I get it, people get homework. I get homework. I do my homework. And I have an obnoxious amount of free time. And I'm taking an upper-division. Maybe it's the fifteen credits? Took 18 last semester and still had time. I got pretty good grades, not a four point zero but that was due to fucking up on papers. Not not doing them, just messing up. Silly mistakes that cost me a lot. This isn't meant to make me sound better than other people, on the contrary. If I can do well in classes and have free time, people who are more diligent or smarter than I am (I have failed to meet someone who doesn't fit those categories) do the same. There is no world that numerous days in a row you can't even get dinner to just say "hi" or whatever it may be. I understand some days people don't feel like it, or get busy, or have shit to do, but it's getting tired as an excuse days in. People exaggerate the homework they get so much and it is frustrating. I don't know why. Whether it is conscious or not I'm not sure. But for whatever reason it's ridiculous.
So after all of this what have I come to, what end, what conclusion? Basically nothing. Other than that I am annoyed with "friends" getting further and further away, me hating the "college experience" bullshit, and "sorry, I have homework again"...just that I am over all upset about everything. I am disillusioned about a lot of things lately. Some I'd rather not post because of fear. Some just because. But I am disillusioned with how things are unfolding. I am upset that things are so boring, that things have lost their thrill. I am terrified of that. Everyday seems to be a cookie-cutter replica of the one before it, but only a bit more dull because of its repetition. I need something new, and I know what that thing is but will never successfully be in my reach for a very long time, regardless of what other people say. Until that "very long time" I don't know what to do, but I will find something. I have tried to read more and it is great. Everybody should read The Black Swan by Nassim Nicolas Taleb, its pretty good. It's about skeptical empiricism, basically that humans are bad at predicting and knowing stuff. It's neat.
This post had no organization beforehand, so forgive me if it was opaque because of it's organization, or lack thereof. I don't expect any reaction because I have held the view for a long time that nobody actually reads this anyway. This one was for me. However, I hope ig someone reads it they learn something from it or else it was an awfully selfish endeavor which I would feel bad about. It's late and I have shit to do. Peace.
It could be the case that I am holding on too hard, but what, in reality, does that really come down to? Holding on too hard? Why too hard? Because college is where I break off from my high school friends, where I am supposed to make new friends? Fuck that shit. Why would I go out of my way to sift through the general dumbass, bro demeanor of ninety percent of this place to find someone I might like? I have found the people I am closest to and feel no need to break that off. I hate the conception that in college, do as college kids have done. Just because people make lifelong friends in college doesn't mean I should force trying to find one, assuming I haven't found a few already. The "college experience" bullshit is getting to me. It makes you act like you aren't. You begin to live a stereotype that you imagine, but why? To look cool? To fit in? It doesn't make you look cool, or maybe it does to a few people but they are probably of no consequence to me. And you fit in only with people that actually are what you pretend to be, or they are pretenders themselves. There is no appeal to me in living a "college experience", in the sense that it is some other thing that I am doing now as opposed to my daily life which I experience and happen to be in college.
Also, why do I have to do the chasing? It seems to be a common theme someone will drift and I try to pull them back in because I am close to that person, but why do they drift in the first place if they say they enjoy my company etc? If that was the case then this level of frequency wouldn't happen. It is suspect to me that this is just some phenomenon, or that people "get busy", or "i have a lot of homework everyday". That is another thing that I also can't stand. When friends don't hang out for days (and sometimes weeks) at a time with the excuse of homework. I get it, people get homework. I get homework. I do my homework. And I have an obnoxious amount of free time. And I'm taking an upper-division. Maybe it's the fifteen credits? Took 18 last semester and still had time. I got pretty good grades, not a four point zero but that was due to fucking up on papers. Not not doing them, just messing up. Silly mistakes that cost me a lot. This isn't meant to make me sound better than other people, on the contrary. If I can do well in classes and have free time, people who are more diligent or smarter than I am (I have failed to meet someone who doesn't fit those categories) do the same. There is no world that numerous days in a row you can't even get dinner to just say "hi" or whatever it may be. I understand some days people don't feel like it, or get busy, or have shit to do, but it's getting tired as an excuse days in. People exaggerate the homework they get so much and it is frustrating. I don't know why. Whether it is conscious or not I'm not sure. But for whatever reason it's ridiculous.
So after all of this what have I come to, what end, what conclusion? Basically nothing. Other than that I am annoyed with "friends" getting further and further away, me hating the "college experience" bullshit, and "sorry, I have homework again"...just that I am over all upset about everything. I am disillusioned about a lot of things lately. Some I'd rather not post because of fear. Some just because. But I am disillusioned with how things are unfolding. I am upset that things are so boring, that things have lost their thrill. I am terrified of that. Everyday seems to be a cookie-cutter replica of the one before it, but only a bit more dull because of its repetition. I need something new, and I know what that thing is but will never successfully be in my reach for a very long time, regardless of what other people say. Until that "very long time" I don't know what to do, but I will find something. I have tried to read more and it is great. Everybody should read The Black Swan by Nassim Nicolas Taleb, its pretty good. It's about skeptical empiricism, basically that humans are bad at predicting and knowing stuff. It's neat.
This post had no organization beforehand, so forgive me if it was opaque because of it's organization, or lack thereof. I don't expect any reaction because I have held the view for a long time that nobody actually reads this anyway. This one was for me. However, I hope ig someone reads it they learn something from it or else it was an awfully selfish endeavor which I would feel bad about. It's late and I have shit to do. Peace.