(no subject)
it's one of those nights where everything i think gets convoluted by another thought. i'll begin on one thought process, but before i can finish it through i will contradict myself with the very opposite notion. for example, will power.
i began the day continuing my longest successful diet in recent memory. i ended it entirely too full and with the realization that i have no conception of will power. i don't understand how i made it so long dieting knowing full well i would not succeed. where does will power come from? when i was on the diet i was highly motivated and would pass up food easily... but then one day it just ends? is there a place it comes from, or a way to maintain will power? i found a quote from an old baz lurhmann song very fitting,
"enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. oh, never mind. you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. you are not as fat as you imagine."
i understand what this quote means, and how much truth it holds. i look at pictures of my mom when she was in college, and they're full of such beauty. i'm not saying my mom isn't a caring, intelligent, and pretty person now, but her youth was so radiant in those pictures. the sentiment of the 70's, the vitality, the knowledge that she still had all of her life ahead of her, they come across so much in the pictures. but i know that i will never be able to invest that realization into my own life, at least not now.
i will continue to be unhappy with myself. if i'm on a diet and everything just seems to run smoother when i follow it, how could i let myself go off it? these questions that seem so simple end up confusing me the most. especially when my tendency to second guess things comes into play. this journal entry is so completely random and unnecessary, but it's somehow comforting to verbalize what's on my mind. this same thought process happens at the end of every entry, yet i continue to post.
and some nights (such as this one), i just don't think i'm meant to sleep. another thing that has often been on my mind. well, connor oberst summizes it best,
"they fit together, like a puzzle. i love their love and i am thankful that someone actually receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales that drugged us. and they still do me."
i was just talking to britt tonight about how her and matt are completely awesome. they are so perfect together, and seeing both of them so happy makes me so happy for them. and it's not jealousy at all, it's hope. that something that bright eyes describes can actually happen, that two people can bring each other so much joy. it's funny that on a night when i'm feeling so down, i can also acknowledge how much certain things make me happy. i've always held the theory that people are effected by movies more than they'll ever realize, literally living a "movielife". all the films we see that show the perfect relationships, not an instance of unrequited love, they create the foundation in our head that this will happen. bright eye's sings,
"to love and be loved, let's just hope that is enough." i do think it's enough. maybe it's because i've never experienced it. maybe it's because i am a product of my own "movielife" theory, but i've always held love as the most valuable emotion. nothing has created as much anxiousness, speculation or dismay (that it might not happen) in my mind.
i'm not sure how i digressed from my will power debocle to emotions, but i suppose this is the same reason that i do not understand them either.
i began the day continuing my longest successful diet in recent memory. i ended it entirely too full and with the realization that i have no conception of will power. i don't understand how i made it so long dieting knowing full well i would not succeed. where does will power come from? when i was on the diet i was highly motivated and would pass up food easily... but then one day it just ends? is there a place it comes from, or a way to maintain will power? i found a quote from an old baz lurhmann song very fitting,
"enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. oh, never mind. you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. you are not as fat as you imagine."
i understand what this quote means, and how much truth it holds. i look at pictures of my mom when she was in college, and they're full of such beauty. i'm not saying my mom isn't a caring, intelligent, and pretty person now, but her youth was so radiant in those pictures. the sentiment of the 70's, the vitality, the knowledge that she still had all of her life ahead of her, they come across so much in the pictures. but i know that i will never be able to invest that realization into my own life, at least not now.
i will continue to be unhappy with myself. if i'm on a diet and everything just seems to run smoother when i follow it, how could i let myself go off it? these questions that seem so simple end up confusing me the most. especially when my tendency to second guess things comes into play. this journal entry is so completely random and unnecessary, but it's somehow comforting to verbalize what's on my mind. this same thought process happens at the end of every entry, yet i continue to post.
and some nights (such as this one), i just don't think i'm meant to sleep. another thing that has often been on my mind. well, connor oberst summizes it best,
"they fit together, like a puzzle. i love their love and i am thankful that someone actually receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales that drugged us. and they still do me."
i was just talking to britt tonight about how her and matt are completely awesome. they are so perfect together, and seeing both of them so happy makes me so happy for them. and it's not jealousy at all, it's hope. that something that bright eyes describes can actually happen, that two people can bring each other so much joy. it's funny that on a night when i'm feeling so down, i can also acknowledge how much certain things make me happy. i've always held the theory that people are effected by movies more than they'll ever realize, literally living a "movielife". all the films we see that show the perfect relationships, not an instance of unrequited love, they create the foundation in our head that this will happen. bright eye's sings,
"to love and be loved, let's just hope that is enough." i do think it's enough. maybe it's because i've never experienced it. maybe it's because i am a product of my own "movielife" theory, but i've always held love as the most valuable emotion. nothing has created as much anxiousness, speculation or dismay (that it might not happen) in my mind.
i'm not sure how i digressed from my will power debocle to emotions, but i suppose this is the same reason that i do not understand them either.