(no subject)
Sometimes I just get claustrophobic while living. Tonight, I couldn't remember that trinitrotoluene was TNT. What kind of doctor am I going to make if I can't remember that stupid insignificant fact? How can I be expected to take on someone's life if I can't handle the little things? This is what I ask myself every day.
And bills. I'm getting swamped. I don't want this car, I don't want a credit card, I don't want MCATS, or applications, or senior sems, or phone bills. None of it. I want to stay safe and humble and sheltered for the rest of my life. It's too big. I can't handle it.
And I want to be a doctor. I don't know for what reasons yet, and I'm plunging in without much of a clue, but I think I want it. I second-guess just about everything I do in life. I don't want to second-guess this. I want to know the answer. But it's not just hiding out there somewhere, waiting for me to read it in a book and memorize it. It has to be created yet. And that's terrifying. Because if there's no wrong answer, how can I find the right one?
I'm scared of picking a life, but I'm too cramped in the one I'm in to not make a decision. I want to be free of these unnecessary responsibilities; yet without them freedom doesn't taste the same.
I guess I just want a fight I can win.
And bills. I'm getting swamped. I don't want this car, I don't want a credit card, I don't want MCATS, or applications, or senior sems, or phone bills. None of it. I want to stay safe and humble and sheltered for the rest of my life. It's too big. I can't handle it.
And I want to be a doctor. I don't know for what reasons yet, and I'm plunging in without much of a clue, but I think I want it. I second-guess just about everything I do in life. I don't want to second-guess this. I want to know the answer. But it's not just hiding out there somewhere, waiting for me to read it in a book and memorize it. It has to be created yet. And that's terrifying. Because if there's no wrong answer, how can I find the right one?
I'm scared of picking a life, but I'm too cramped in the one I'm in to not make a decision. I want to be free of these unnecessary responsibilities; yet without them freedom doesn't taste the same.
I guess I just want a fight I can win.