Fic: I Should Hope So
Zach didn't want to let go, but he knew he had been holding on to Shaun for too long now. Shaun apparently was displaying more of his amazing tolerance because he hadn't broken away from the hug either.
There were more words that Zach longed to say. Somehow 'I'm so sorry’ just didn't seem enough to cover his near-monumental screw up, and yet Shaun had still told him it was okay, that he would help him, that they could run off together to LA . . .
The thought of leaving San Pedro, of leaving Cody, suddenly brought Zach's feet back to the ground. He finally released his grip on Shaun and took a step back. Shaun studied him with a smirk for a moment until he saw what he privately thought of as Zach's "serious eyes" staring back at him, and felt his own gaze turn serious in kind. Now what? he thought.
Zach watched the smile disappear from Shaun’s face and suddenly felt his stomach turn. Logic told him that Shaun had forgiven him and that things were on there way to being put back together, but somehow his body seemed to have trouble catching up to his mind. He wanted more than a hug from Shaun, something to reaffirm that they were not just "pals," but he was frozen and unable to initiate anything. His fear and uncertainty were telling him it might not be okay to waltz back into Shaun’s life and expect him to . . . to what? . . . love him?
Zach's gaze shifted to Shaun's lips and back up to his eyes, and Shaun followed it, watching Zach's own lips tremble a little. Suddenly it occurred to Shaun what the serious eyes were for, and he laughed inwardly at Zach's shyness. Those eyes were not unlike that very first night they had kissed . . . nervous, expectant, longing, confused. So, not unlike that first time, Shaun placed his hand on Zach's chest and leaned in to touch his lips softly.
Zach closed his eyes as Shaun kissed him, thinking to himself Thank God.
When he opened his eyes again, Shaun was smiling at him- a full smile displaying his dazzling white teeth. He grabbed Zach by the hand and led him inside to a sofa where both men sat down heavily. Shaun was still holding Zach's hand, stroking it softly with his thumb.
Zach bit his lower lip slightly and figured it was time for more words. "I'm sorry, " he said again, and looked down sheepishly because he still wasn't expressing anything to his satisfaction. "It's just, I don't know, I was scared . . ." he trailed off and Shaun nodded while swallowing hard, making his adam's apple bob violently. Zach wondered if Shaun was also fighting back tears, as his own eyes had been filled since the moment Shaun had come into his line of sight holding the walkie-talkie.
"I know I was a coward, " Zach finally worked up the courage to continue but this time his voice cracked indicating the losing battle he was having with the tears that were threatening to brim over. He was fighting back the urge to blink because he knew his eyelids would push out the tears and he was having enough trouble getting his words out as it was.
Zach refocused on Shaun through his blurry eyes and saw him shaking his head.
"No, no," Shaun spoke softly, "I'm sorry I said that. You're not a coward. Far from it. You are incredibly brave. It's just . . . you've been on your own too long. You can be brave and still share yourself with someone . . . Although I do know that choosing me to be that someone makes things a little more complicated . . ."
Zach barked a short laugh, causing his eyes to crinkle which finally let loose a few tears. Shaun loved it when he saw that laugh- when he saw those eyes smile- though he didn't like to see the tears mixed in. He went to wipe them away but Zach was faster, brushing them away violently with his fist and avoiding Shaun's gaze.
Shaun sighed and gripped Zach by the shoulders. "Look," he said, "You don't have to apologize anymore. It's going to be okay. Just, if we are going to do this . . . move to LA, move in together, I need you to trust me . . . to talk things out before you shut me out. I don't want to pressure you because I know this is new for you . . . " Shaun stopped and studied Zach's expression. His face was turned away and Shaun realized with an inward sigh that he was wearing his "serious eyes" again.
Zach had stopped following Shaun's words at the mention of the move to LA. Again the thought sent him spinning back to Cody, to Jeannie, and to Jeannie leaving Cody.
"Zach. Zach." Shaun's voice was begin to take on an edge as his frustration mounted, and he touched his hand briefly to his forehead as he often did when he was uncomfortable. "Are you listening?"
Zach stumbled back to his senses and to Shaun's worried expression. "Yes, yes, shit . . . I'm sorry. Just trying to figure something out." Shaun's expression did not change and Zach hastened to add quickly, "Not about us! Shit, I'm sorry, I'm screwing up again already." He let his head sink down into his hands.
Shaun nodded slowly with raised eyebrows. "Uh, Zach, just because it's not about us doesn't mean you shouldn't share . . .this goes back to the whole trust thing I was just talking about . . " he let one eyebrow drop but left the other up questioningly. He wasn't even sure Zach had heard what he had said.
Zach sighed. He had heard. His love for Cody wasn't something he often spoke about, and now to speak about putting that love aside to pursue his own life left him breathless and wracked with guilt. He knew what he wanted . . .to always be there for Cody . . . to take Cody with him . . . but he also knew that was something he could never ask of Shaun.
"Jeannie wants to move to Oregon with Allen,” he finally said, running his hand through his hair. After a few more passes of the hand he added quietly, "without Cody."
"What?!" Shaun's voice came out angry and loud, causing Zach to jump a bit. "What is that supposed to mean??"
"She wants him to stay with me for 6 months to a year."
"You have got to be kidding me." Shaun stood up and began pacing. "She's just going to up and abandon her son?? And dump him on you?"
"I'll tell her she has to stay." Zach stood up and took Shaun's hand to stop him from pacing. "I'll tell her . . . tell her I have to go and she'll have to stay." Zach swallowed hard, fighting tears again. Suddenly feeling weakened he sank back down on the couch and Shaun joined him, their hands still entwined.
"And you think she will?" Shaun asked with doubt in his voice.
Zach shrugged his shoulders, biting his lip before muttering, "I don't know . . .but . . .but if she does, won't she resent Cody even more? Or what if she tries to leave him with my Dad? Or if she takes him and he's miserable? " Zach could feel the tears threatening to pound out of his eyes.
Shaun's worried expression matched Zach’s. He had a few choice words to describe just what he thought of Jeannie but knew it wasn't the right moment. So instead he said, "Fuck that. We'll take him with us."
Zach felt his breath literally stop mid-intake and for a moment his chest was so still he was aware of nothing else but his own heart beat. He wasn't conscious of the fact that his held-back tears had taken the opportunity to spring free in force until he felt Shaun wiping his face. His breath returned as Shaun was trying vainly to keep his face dry with the sleeve of his plaid shirt, but it was turning into a losing battle. "Zach," Shaun whispered. "Zach, hey babe, it's okay."
The tear-wiping and the caring whispers and Zach’s embarrassment only caused more tears to come, and before he knew it his whole body was shaking as great sobs welled up in him. Soon he was in the throes of a cry the likes of which he hadn't experienced since his mother had died. He blindly clutched at Shaun's shirt and buried his face there.
He felt Shaun's strong arms rubbing his back in soft, even strokes. The rhythm slowly caused the sobs to diminish as his breath began to follow the movement and return to normal.
When Shaun felt Zach's body still, he pulled away from him just far enough so that he could stroke his cheek. "You okay?" he asked with a worried smile.
Zach still couldn't bring himself to speak but he nodded. "You do want to take him with us, right?" Shaun continued.
Zach let out a strangled sound that was somewhere between laughter and a sob. "Of course I do!" he managed to say. "I love Cody more than anything! I don't want to leave him . . . to abandon him like everyone else in his life . . ." Zach stopped and started to shake his head. "But Shaun," he choked, his voice indicating exasperation and confusion. "You can't want this! You can't want to be a parent to the nephew of some guy you've only been seeing for a month!"
Shaun pursed his lips and leaned back on the sofa, shaking his head slightly. He took a deep breath while he considered his words before responding. "Zach, I'm sure you've realized by now that I'm bit older than you."
Zach rolled his eyes.
"That means I’ve had more time to make decisions in my life. More time to figure out what it is that I want. So if I tell you that I want to take Cody with us, that means I want to take Cody with us. I'm crazy about that kid. I also happen to be crazy about you, but in this case that's almost beside the point. I would love . . ." Shaun paused for the first time in his speech, his eyes belying a bit of insecurity. "I would love to have a family,” he finally said, his voice slightly lowered. "I want, have wanted, a family. And if getting to help raise Cody for 6 months or a year or forever is my chance at that, you better believe I'm not going to pass that up."
Zach was concentrating on keeping his breaths even lest he start to cry like a schoolgirl again and didn't say anything. He felt the silence between them get heavy and Shaun's eyes sought his, locked on, and kept him from averting his gaze. He realized it was his turn to speak but he wasn't quite sure how his next words found their way to his lips.
"I'm in love with you Shaun," came rushing out.
Shaun swallowed hard, stunned momentarily into his own silence, and his eyes became glossy with the hint of tears. "I should hope so," he managed to eek out gruffly with his characteristic grin. Zach felt his face flush red but in that smile he saw that everything was coming together; his whole life was coming together. He smiled back and pressed his lips fervently into Shaun's. He would have been perfectly happy getting lost in those kisses without any more words, but Shaun stopped him and ran his hand down Zach's cheek. "I love you too, Zach" Shaun said and watched Zach's all-over-smile break out, spreading from mouth to eyes.
And both men laughed as they fell into each other’s arms.