sigh and sigh again
its been months since i posted.. no one reads this anymore anyways.. but ive had tons of thoughts in my head and no time to write them down... i am deeply and utterly in love... he is the most wonderful man ive ever known.. all i ever want to do is lie in his arms... warm and safe... its been a little over two years and i just keep falling deeper and deeper... someday i hape to give him a child... thats how deep... i miss certain people.. and others.. well..others i keep questioning how i ever got involved with in the first place.... why did i let you in my life... you did nothing positive for me.. ive gained nothing from you... there was no mutual connection shared.. and yet.. i still wonder... do you think of me... do you miss me as well... are you better off without me... was it my fault.... are there memories that haunt you as well..... will we ever speak again.. and if we do.. will it be kind words... been hurt so much in the past.. its hard to answer these questions... some moments i wish i could go back to and change the outcome... but i know.. deep down.. those moments are what brought me here.. but then again.. is that just my optomism rationalizing all the pain.... if we start at the very begining.. it would take me to sixth grade... thats where everything started to unravel... thats when i first realized how cruel and evil and manipulative people can be... he was one of the first who broke my heart.. betrayed my trust... kill a little piece of my innocence... never got close to another boy until end of eighth grade... derek.. i use his name only because he was the one i hurt.. the one i betrayed.. and ive paid over and over again with years of heartache.... the only one ive ever mistreated in such a way as to cause tears.... maybe that was the real starting point of my downfall... i miss him... we had a rutine.. everyday for months... he was my best friend for so long... or so it was in my head... but my memory has fail me before... i miss singing with him over the phone... the next one hurt me so much more than i ever thought he could... but perhapse i got the last laugh... they have a kid toghter... i hope hes nothing like his father.. although.. many sweet things were said in that short time toghteher... i guess thats what made it hurt all the more at the end... the next two i wont even count.. just blips on the map.. trying to ease the pain... enter junior year... where i befriend one of the sweetest guys ive ever met to this day.. took me till graduation to tell him how i feel.. and he hugged me and said thank you... i love you too... i havnt seen him since... but i still have that amazing moment captured on film.. us goofing around together in florida... bill.. i wish i knew you still... a few more random hookups... no self respect... poor self image... i basically let guys use me just to get noticed... and the ones that do arnt the ones i want to notice me... cost me some friendships... i get involved with loser after loser.. year after year... cm, which helps me get the best job ive ever had, but is such a waste of human organs, leads me to get involved with a girl who is so cracked out and self centered, mf , but leads me to wonderful friends, or so i thought at the time... and theres mq... who repeadedly breaks my heart based on poor timing... we've recently lost touch again.. but i miss him so.... and e .. e.. well.. he messed with my head but we had some fun... when i drive past his street.. i always wonder how he's doing.... and ah.... she.. well.. shes a whole different story... i could write an entire book about our adventures and what i came to realize all too late in the game..... ms... he doesnt know what hes missing... i wish him pain.. on occassion... and theres many im leaving out... nb.. he restored my faith in man... but we've grown distant.. i miss him... so much like a big brother... holds a piece of my heart.... many hugs go out to him... ed.. im sure its my fault for our falling out... but ill keep trying to reconnect... she makes me proud... even when hes being nurotic about calling a boy.... jt... someone i thought would never betray me and did... tg... the best hugger in all the land... i miss you more than you probably realize... jj.. man what a limpdickloser waste of my time you were.. you had me fooled though ill give you that....but all of this has brought me here today.. hasnt it? and now the question at hand is.. where does all of this leave me.. where will it take me... will i eventually screw up the best relationship ive ever had.. im terrified of this every day... i think am i fooling myself into thinking its so great and im suppose to marry him.. simply becasuse hes treated me the best.. but then i look in his eyes when we're lying in bed at nite... it makes me cry .. it hurts to love someone this much.. it make you vulnerable.. something ive never been good at... to know someone is so close to you that they can shatter your world with just two little words... just one tiny simple phrase and everything youve come to know and trust is scattered across the ground at your feet.. millions of little pieces... bloody and scarred... leaving you in a weeping heap ont he ground.. not able to breath.. or comprehend what is going on around you... i fear for this day... for now... i love.. i lust.. i long... he is my everything.. but.. everything is nothing.. or so trent says.... he has my heart.. pray for my survival......