(no subject)
So I think about everything and Ive come to the conclusion:
Fuck everyone who ever said that they wouldn't hurt me. Fuck everyone who said theyd be there, and fuck me. I dont like liars, and I always tell people dont tell me that if you cant keep it..
I dont get why I can volunteer and make so many others smile, but not myself. I hate that I cant be around direct care without crying now, and around kids without wondering. I hate that so much changed, and I blame myself for it, and the only person I want to hear "You did it all for the right reasons" wont talk. Maybe I was being selfish then, or maybe I am now by wishing- but maybe I could found all the reasons had I stuck with it...
Because the last month I was at ESU I tried figuring everything out- I tried remembering why I was there, because I couldnt I didnt want to begin that year I wanted to be done Jan of 2004- and I stayed. So when I did that and I took that time I put other things aside- because I didnt know how to deal, and now you know its biting me in the ass. I finally started taking advice to try and make myself happy- but no.... that doesnt last does it.
I did better when I didnt feel when I couldnt be hurt by people. Although I want to find someone who can make me smile, and make me laugh again- I want someone who has goals, and doesnt give up- but I will never find that working my ass off...
I guess its easier to focus on that to focus on attaining a goal.
Maybe life isn't full of roses- I know that- fuck look at my past but you know what I have to figure something out. Because I dont want to loose feelings, I dont want to loose hope, I dont want to loose people, and I dont want to loose myself...
Well Im going to my internship then driving up to Stroudsburg. Im pretty sure w/ Kristen to get some financial aide shit done, and see Tracer and possibly Paul... I think I did find out parts of why I was there, and parts eventually make a whole... And the only way to figure out my life is by picking up the pieces, by sorting everything out, and by looking forward, and trying my hardest not to look back...
Later ♥
Fuck everyone who ever said that they wouldn't hurt me. Fuck everyone who said theyd be there, and fuck me. I dont like liars, and I always tell people dont tell me that if you cant keep it..
I dont get why I can volunteer and make so many others smile, but not myself. I hate that I cant be around direct care without crying now, and around kids without wondering. I hate that so much changed, and I blame myself for it, and the only person I want to hear "You did it all for the right reasons" wont talk. Maybe I was being selfish then, or maybe I am now by wishing- but maybe I could found all the reasons had I stuck with it...
Because the last month I was at ESU I tried figuring everything out- I tried remembering why I was there, because I couldnt I didnt want to begin that year I wanted to be done Jan of 2004- and I stayed. So when I did that and I took that time I put other things aside- because I didnt know how to deal, and now you know its biting me in the ass. I finally started taking advice to try and make myself happy- but no.... that doesnt last does it.
I did better when I didnt feel when I couldnt be hurt by people. Although I want to find someone who can make me smile, and make me laugh again- I want someone who has goals, and doesnt give up- but I will never find that working my ass off...
I guess its easier to focus on that to focus on attaining a goal.
Maybe life isn't full of roses- I know that- fuck look at my past but you know what I have to figure something out. Because I dont want to loose feelings, I dont want to loose hope, I dont want to loose people, and I dont want to loose myself...
Well Im going to my internship then driving up to Stroudsburg. Im pretty sure w/ Kristen to get some financial aide shit done, and see Tracer and possibly Paul... I think I did find out parts of why I was there, and parts eventually make a whole... And the only way to figure out my life is by picking up the pieces, by sorting everything out, and by looking forward, and trying my hardest not to look back...
Later ♥