My fucked up lil head.
Aye, so I guess I should write in here about Mark, even though most already know what happened, I'll put it in here just so I can look back on it in years to come and remind myself what a jerk he is.
Recap: In short, 4 days before flying out to Perth to be with me, he tells me he found out a few days prior that he got some chick pregnant back in May and that he's had a paternity test done and it's his. He wants to stay in UK to be a Dad.
I'm shocked and utterly disappointed, I try and get him to just come out for a few weeks, just over the holiday period. I don't want to be alone then. He says he can't, he has to stay to prove to everyone that he can be a reliable person. Apparently the girl wants nothing to do with him. All he can say is 'I'm sorry, I dont know what to say' over and over.
I'm absolutely crushed.
It takes a few days but I sort of accept it and from then I want to be supportive of him and just make sure he's ok as from what he's saying it's hit him pretty hard and he's not having a good time - even though he really wants the kid.
So I'm all supportive and go to great lengths to tell him this. I just want to be there for him.
But he starts to turn into a jerk. I can tell he's pushing me away. I try ringing his house just to talk to him but he keeps saying he's going out or doesn't want to talk because people are in the next room. So I eventually give up on ringing. I text when I can reminding him that I'm his friend. But he ends up just telling me to let him have his space. He's acting incredibly mean. I ask him if he still loves me, his reply; 'I just think of you as a distant mate' What a cunt. He later tells me he meant this in a physical way ie distance to Australia, but I don't believe him. A little piece inside of me dies.
I decide to give him his space, I go to Melbourne and have a mostly ok time, I only cry in public once and I think Shaun was the only one to see it.
Afraid of being alone over the holidays I ask my Mum if she will pay for a ticket for me to come up north, she does, thank god. I am deathly afraid of being alone. After coming back from Russia I could see that a lot of people had moved on, and suddenly I had no visible presence of friends, I started getting depressed, then I met Shaun. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't come into my life. He was always up for hanging out with me and constantly made the effort, we were good together, but then he had to move back to Melbourne. At this point I knew Mark was coming over to I consoled myself with the fact I just had to get through 6 weeks and then it would all be ok again. I'd have someone to talk to, to go out with, to spend Xmas and New Year with, it was all going to be ok.
Well, should have.
So, I come up north. There's a guy here who's always been a bit special to me so I was looking forward to seeing him, a very good distraction, he seemed happy to see me too. I figured if I could just get through to NYE then go home, I might be ok. He and I spent some time together and it was good, but something was missing. I eventually asked if he wanted me to stay around till NYE. He said he couldn't promise being able to spend time with me as he was organising a NYE party (which is fair enough), but I guess it also meant he didn't want me there that night.
I kind of hit a wall after that. My plan to get to NYE in one piece was dashed. I didn't know what to do.
I woke up the next morning absolutely petrified and not knowing what to do. I msg'd Shaun to see what he was doing for NYE. I was prepared to fly home via Melbourne, just as long as I wasn't alone for NYE. He never msg'd back (at this point he hasn't replied to 2 msg's, so he's either run out of credit - which is the usual case - or something bad has happened, I dont want to think about that). Throughout the day I slowly calmed down and got to a point where I decided I should just go back to Perth. It was better than staying up here with nothing to do and feeling sorry for myself, I still don't know what to do, but maybe fate will toss me a cookie, I dont know.
Anyway... so then last night, Christmas Eve, I saw Mark was online. I msg'd saying Merry Christmas blah blah nice words blah. He replied back 'you too'.
I asked in a nice manner, WTF?! and he ends up asking me if I ever sent his ex an email awhile ago. Again... wtf?! He's accusing me of sending this girl I never knew existed until this point, some email giving details about what he and I did together.
1) he's never told me the name of any of his ex's before. 2) WTF would I do such a thing!? 3)..... WTF?!?!
OMG... he's not coming to Australia, he treats me like shit and now says I'm sending his ex's emails?! I of course vehemently deny this and he says that 'you better be right otherwise I am NEVER talking to you again!' and 'you better pray you're right!'
He was just so mean! I can tell he doesn't believe me. He goes offline in a huff and I sms him saying 'I dont need to pray, I haven't done anything wrong and you better be man enough to apologise when you realise I am right'. He was so disgustingly horrible to me.
I CANNOT understand why he is doing this to me. I really cannot. I have bent over backwards to be supportive of him in a situation a LOT of people would have walked away from.
I'm starting to doubt his sanity. He's got it in his head that I don't really care about him. Oh gee, I'm not crying down the phone, smsing you with msg's of support and trying damn fucking hard to be your friend for nothing!
I so don't deserve this. I must have been a mass murderer in a past life to be getting this back now.
I don't understand how so many bad things can happen to such a nice person, and god dammit, I am nice!
Anyway.... so thats why I'm fucked in the head atm. I'm contemplating going to the Dr to get some anti-depressants. I don't want any therapy, I just want the drugs to help me through the bad times, I can deal with the rest myself.
I pity the poor guy who next walks my way, he's going to get one clingy, emotionally fucked girl. The guy up here has already seen a bit of it, but he knows what is going on so I think he's overlooking it (I think). He's a good boy. :) But sucks cos I know he's going through his own issues, and it's all been about me atm, I want to give something back, I want to make sure he's ok. I'm a giver.
But there's not time, I leave the day after tomorrow. :(
Recap: In short, 4 days before flying out to Perth to be with me, he tells me he found out a few days prior that he got some chick pregnant back in May and that he's had a paternity test done and it's his. He wants to stay in UK to be a Dad.
I'm shocked and utterly disappointed, I try and get him to just come out for a few weeks, just over the holiday period. I don't want to be alone then. He says he can't, he has to stay to prove to everyone that he can be a reliable person. Apparently the girl wants nothing to do with him. All he can say is 'I'm sorry, I dont know what to say' over and over.
I'm absolutely crushed.
It takes a few days but I sort of accept it and from then I want to be supportive of him and just make sure he's ok as from what he's saying it's hit him pretty hard and he's not having a good time - even though he really wants the kid.
So I'm all supportive and go to great lengths to tell him this. I just want to be there for him.
But he starts to turn into a jerk. I can tell he's pushing me away. I try ringing his house just to talk to him but he keeps saying he's going out or doesn't want to talk because people are in the next room. So I eventually give up on ringing. I text when I can reminding him that I'm his friend. But he ends up just telling me to let him have his space. He's acting incredibly mean. I ask him if he still loves me, his reply; 'I just think of you as a distant mate' What a cunt. He later tells me he meant this in a physical way ie distance to Australia, but I don't believe him. A little piece inside of me dies.
I decide to give him his space, I go to Melbourne and have a mostly ok time, I only cry in public once and I think Shaun was the only one to see it.
Afraid of being alone over the holidays I ask my Mum if she will pay for a ticket for me to come up north, she does, thank god. I am deathly afraid of being alone. After coming back from Russia I could see that a lot of people had moved on, and suddenly I had no visible presence of friends, I started getting depressed, then I met Shaun. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't come into my life. He was always up for hanging out with me and constantly made the effort, we were good together, but then he had to move back to Melbourne. At this point I knew Mark was coming over to I consoled myself with the fact I just had to get through 6 weeks and then it would all be ok again. I'd have someone to talk to, to go out with, to spend Xmas and New Year with, it was all going to be ok.
Well, should have.
So, I come up north. There's a guy here who's always been a bit special to me so I was looking forward to seeing him, a very good distraction, he seemed happy to see me too. I figured if I could just get through to NYE then go home, I might be ok. He and I spent some time together and it was good, but something was missing. I eventually asked if he wanted me to stay around till NYE. He said he couldn't promise being able to spend time with me as he was organising a NYE party (which is fair enough), but I guess it also meant he didn't want me there that night.
I kind of hit a wall after that. My plan to get to NYE in one piece was dashed. I didn't know what to do.
I woke up the next morning absolutely petrified and not knowing what to do. I msg'd Shaun to see what he was doing for NYE. I was prepared to fly home via Melbourne, just as long as I wasn't alone for NYE. He never msg'd back (at this point he hasn't replied to 2 msg's, so he's either run out of credit - which is the usual case - or something bad has happened, I dont want to think about that). Throughout the day I slowly calmed down and got to a point where I decided I should just go back to Perth. It was better than staying up here with nothing to do and feeling sorry for myself, I still don't know what to do, but maybe fate will toss me a cookie, I dont know.
Anyway... so then last night, Christmas Eve, I saw Mark was online. I msg'd saying Merry Christmas blah blah nice words blah. He replied back 'you too'.
I asked in a nice manner, WTF?! and he ends up asking me if I ever sent his ex an email awhile ago. Again... wtf?! He's accusing me of sending this girl I never knew existed until this point, some email giving details about what he and I did together.
1) he's never told me the name of any of his ex's before. 2) WTF would I do such a thing!? 3)..... WTF?!?!
OMG... he's not coming to Australia, he treats me like shit and now says I'm sending his ex's emails?! I of course vehemently deny this and he says that 'you better be right otherwise I am NEVER talking to you again!' and 'you better pray you're right!'
He was just so mean! I can tell he doesn't believe me. He goes offline in a huff and I sms him saying 'I dont need to pray, I haven't done anything wrong and you better be man enough to apologise when you realise I am right'. He was so disgustingly horrible to me.
I CANNOT understand why he is doing this to me. I really cannot. I have bent over backwards to be supportive of him in a situation a LOT of people would have walked away from.
I'm starting to doubt his sanity. He's got it in his head that I don't really care about him. Oh gee, I'm not crying down the phone, smsing you with msg's of support and trying damn fucking hard to be your friend for nothing!
I so don't deserve this. I must have been a mass murderer in a past life to be getting this back now.
I don't understand how so many bad things can happen to such a nice person, and god dammit, I am nice!
Anyway.... so thats why I'm fucked in the head atm. I'm contemplating going to the Dr to get some anti-depressants. I don't want any therapy, I just want the drugs to help me through the bad times, I can deal with the rest myself.
I pity the poor guy who next walks my way, he's going to get one clingy, emotionally fucked girl. The guy up here has already seen a bit of it, but he knows what is going on so I think he's overlooking it (I think). He's a good boy. :) But sucks cos I know he's going through his own issues, and it's all been about me atm, I want to give something back, I want to make sure he's ok. I'm a giver.
But there's not time, I leave the day after tomorrow. :(