trust me when i say i'm not okay. . .
BLAH. . .so tonight i wrote the email to my mom. . i think it was sent around ten of 5. It hurt so much to write. . .
This is the e-mail:
Hi mom. . .there's been something i've been meaning to talk to u about for a while now. . .i want to tell u not to worry. .but i guess that would be inappropriate during the situations. Towards the end of last year and into this semester i have been feeling extremely unhappy. To the point where i would almost most definately describe it as being depressed. There's no other way to describe it. It has effected everything from my sleeping habits, my eating habits, social habits, and even yes. . .as much as i dread saying it. . my school habits.
However i want to STRESS that i am in no way suicidal, nor have i ever had a thought in that direction. I would never ever do such a thing, i feel that it is beyond selfish and gets nothing accomplished. I know i am just stuck in a slump and i need help. I'm not talking psychological help. . .just help and understanding and support from my family and relatives.
Mom. . .for the past month or so this has been eating me alive from the inside out and i'm sure u've seen it. Becuase at some point during the begining of the semester i let the depression get away with me. . .and i let my school work slip into an all time low. By this you may think i mean c's. .but i'm talking worse than c's.
In all honestly i think i failed this whole semester.
I am not proud of this, infact i have spent many nights crying and upset and franticly talking to anyone who will listen to me and trying to get advice. But by the time i realized the hole i dug myself into, it was too late to dig myself out. .my damage was done.
I have dreaded and put off this email for god knows how long. . because i know i've let u and dad down in a major way. .and that makes me ache in ways you would not even believe. I feel like such a failure . . . i feel like both of you will hate me now. . .or be so utterly disapointed and never forgive me. I feel like scum.
You and dad have always given me everything i have needed, a nice home, clothes, a car, u've lent me money when i've needed it, and always made me feel welcome in my home. You were even nice enough to pay for as much of my schooling as you could. . .even if that meant financial strain on both of you, and no or very little retirement. And what did i do? throw it out the window. .and for this i am sorry.
Just know that it wasn't a conscious decision, i have been terribly unhappy, and for reasons even i am not sure of. I made an appointment with an on campus councelor for thursday (i made the appointment a while ago but that was the closest they could give me) with hopes that they could guide me through this. .and help me deal emotionally.
I fear that you and dad will be so disapointed that you'll deny me the chance to prove that i can do better, and that hurts me as well. I know i messed up, and i know there will be consequences. I am willing to undergo a funless break where i work and have no privilages. . .no friends, no car, no tv, no phone, no cell phone, no computer, no music, whatever it takes to prove to you taht i am serious, i want to try and better myself emotionally, academically, and in your eyes. I want a chance to prove to yhou taht i desearve a second chance. To go back to school. . and prove htat i can get the grades i know i am capable of. But i also understand if i blew my only shot. . .
I wrote you in hopes that you could offer me some help with the situation or tell me how i can break it to dad. .or something. Although i hope u don't tell dad. . .until we both agree to. I guess i would appreciate an email back rather than a call. . i'm going to get up early today to check my mail. . i feel like if i talk on the phone i'll get into hysterics. .this issue is so upseting to me (as u can tell it keeps me up most nights. . its 4:26 and i've yet to go to bed). I spent tonight at susie's so she could comfort me while i was upset after this email. .but if u want to call. .i do have my cell phone. .and my computer here for the favored email response i would prefer. . .
I love you. . .even if i don't always tell you or show it, and i hope u know how terribly sorry i am for messing up big time. .as i recognize that i did. I"M SO SORRY MOM. I MESSED UP AND I NEED HELP. I come to you because i don't know who else to go to right now and i'm scared and upset. . .i hope to hear from you soon. . .
LOVE. . .<3
Jenny
I actually cried reading it out loud to susie. . .and now i can't sleep. I just can't help but think in less than three hours when my mom gets to work and reads this what will happen. My naive teenage self wants to say that my world will crumble and i will fail to exist, but i know this is not true. I know i will continue breathing. .it will just feel like hell for a while.
I hate having to hurt my family, and it hurts to know i'm such a disapointment. . .i wish i could go back and fix it all but i can't. . .i hope the e-mail to my mom helps something.
As i was laying trying to sleep for the past twenty minutes i thought about my dad's reactions. . .it was like on TV when they picture the possible outcomes in their head and you get to see it vividly like it would happen.
I pictured him hitting me. .and me slugging him back. .and the police getting involved...
I pictured him forgiving me realizing i was upset and it being semi-ok. . .
I pictured steam coming out his ears and him yelling at me for an eternity asking all the questions i've been asking myself for the past few monthes. .if i haven't been in school what have i been doing?. . .
I dread hearing from my mom. . .i'm hoping she listens and writes an email rather than calling. .i don't think i can face the disapointment in her voice. .i feel like scum. .lower than scum. . i feel like nothing. . .like the world should just keep going and forget jenn exists. . .
I think for the first time in my life. . .i honestly feel like a thin shell of myself.
I feel like my insides are scooped out.
Infact i almost wish they were just so i could feel numbness for a bit.
I am the shell of jenn. . .
This is the e-mail:
Hi mom. . .there's been something i've been meaning to talk to u about for a while now. . .i want to tell u not to worry. .but i guess that would be inappropriate during the situations. Towards the end of last year and into this semester i have been feeling extremely unhappy. To the point where i would almost most definately describe it as being depressed. There's no other way to describe it. It has effected everything from my sleeping habits, my eating habits, social habits, and even yes. . .as much as i dread saying it. . my school habits.
However i want to STRESS that i am in no way suicidal, nor have i ever had a thought in that direction. I would never ever do such a thing, i feel that it is beyond selfish and gets nothing accomplished. I know i am just stuck in a slump and i need help. I'm not talking psychological help. . .just help and understanding and support from my family and relatives.
Mom. . .for the past month or so this has been eating me alive from the inside out and i'm sure u've seen it. Becuase at some point during the begining of the semester i let the depression get away with me. . .and i let my school work slip into an all time low. By this you may think i mean c's. .but i'm talking worse than c's.
In all honestly i think i failed this whole semester.
I am not proud of this, infact i have spent many nights crying and upset and franticly talking to anyone who will listen to me and trying to get advice. But by the time i realized the hole i dug myself into, it was too late to dig myself out. .my damage was done.
I have dreaded and put off this email for god knows how long. . because i know i've let u and dad down in a major way. .and that makes me ache in ways you would not even believe. I feel like such a failure . . . i feel like both of you will hate me now. . .or be so utterly disapointed and never forgive me. I feel like scum.
You and dad have always given me everything i have needed, a nice home, clothes, a car, u've lent me money when i've needed it, and always made me feel welcome in my home. You were even nice enough to pay for as much of my schooling as you could. . .even if that meant financial strain on both of you, and no or very little retirement. And what did i do? throw it out the window. .and for this i am sorry.
Just know that it wasn't a conscious decision, i have been terribly unhappy, and for reasons even i am not sure of. I made an appointment with an on campus councelor for thursday (i made the appointment a while ago but that was the closest they could give me) with hopes that they could guide me through this. .and help me deal emotionally.
I fear that you and dad will be so disapointed that you'll deny me the chance to prove that i can do better, and that hurts me as well. I know i messed up, and i know there will be consequences. I am willing to undergo a funless break where i work and have no privilages. . .no friends, no car, no tv, no phone, no cell phone, no computer, no music, whatever it takes to prove to you taht i am serious, i want to try and better myself emotionally, academically, and in your eyes. I want a chance to prove to yhou taht i desearve a second chance. To go back to school. . and prove htat i can get the grades i know i am capable of. But i also understand if i blew my only shot. . .
I wrote you in hopes that you could offer me some help with the situation or tell me how i can break it to dad. .or something. Although i hope u don't tell dad. . .until we both agree to. I guess i would appreciate an email back rather than a call. . i'm going to get up early today to check my mail. . i feel like if i talk on the phone i'll get into hysterics. .this issue is so upseting to me (as u can tell it keeps me up most nights. . its 4:26 and i've yet to go to bed). I spent tonight at susie's so she could comfort me while i was upset after this email. .but if u want to call. .i do have my cell phone. .and my computer here for the favored email response i would prefer. . .
I love you. . .even if i don't always tell you or show it, and i hope u know how terribly sorry i am for messing up big time. .as i recognize that i did. I"M SO SORRY MOM. I MESSED UP AND I NEED HELP. I come to you because i don't know who else to go to right now and i'm scared and upset. . .i hope to hear from you soon. . .
LOVE. . .<3
Jenny
I actually cried reading it out loud to susie. . .and now i can't sleep. I just can't help but think in less than three hours when my mom gets to work and reads this what will happen. My naive teenage self wants to say that my world will crumble and i will fail to exist, but i know this is not true. I know i will continue breathing. .it will just feel like hell for a while.
I hate having to hurt my family, and it hurts to know i'm such a disapointment. . .i wish i could go back and fix it all but i can't. . .i hope the e-mail to my mom helps something.
As i was laying trying to sleep for the past twenty minutes i thought about my dad's reactions. . .it was like on TV when they picture the possible outcomes in their head and you get to see it vividly like it would happen.
I pictured him hitting me. .and me slugging him back. .and the police getting involved...
I pictured him forgiving me realizing i was upset and it being semi-ok. . .
I pictured steam coming out his ears and him yelling at me for an eternity asking all the questions i've been asking myself for the past few monthes. .if i haven't been in school what have i been doing?. . .
I dread hearing from my mom. . .i'm hoping she listens and writes an email rather than calling. .i don't think i can face the disapointment in her voice. .i feel like scum. .lower than scum. . i feel like nothing. . .like the world should just keep going and forget jenn exists. . .
I think for the first time in my life. . .i honestly feel like a thin shell of myself.
I feel like my insides are scooped out.
Infact i almost wish they were just so i could feel numbness for a bit.
I am the shell of jenn. . .