a bit of the past
This was a random entry I had typed on the notepad....
I found this a little over a week ago. It's posted in my blogs on myspace.
I love to find stuff like this. Introspect...and a different mindset from that I have today.
Its about 4:45 Monday morning October 4th, 2004. I feel the need to write and I don't want to sleep. Sleep and laziness has been consuming my life and I have weakly succumbed to it.
It has now been exactly one month since I hit the road from Michigan to Arizona that dreaded
day. I have now been searching for my life, and what I want for it. The sad fact is, I
have inevitably (or so it seems) allowed the past 5 years to consume my thoughts and control
what I am allowing my future to become. I am now getting a sense of comfort as I put my
thoughts into a written form of communication. I have now been out of work for a little over
2 months....and it is beginning to plague me in so many ways...among the many other tortures
of my mind that haunt my thoughts constantly. My thoughts are fleeting and flighty, jumping
from one topic to the next as my mind struggles for some sanity and stability. Joe is still
on my mind at times, though it seems to be a daily roller coaster. The pain seems to be
subsiding some, and the realization of the failure of our relationship is now an extreme reality.
The hope is still there in some small way, but very faint. I know that we can never go back. What is done is done, and I refuse to allow this to control my life.
This truly seems to be a turning point, if thats what I make it. It either goes downhill, as I normally
allow things to go, or I make a change for the better.
My thoughts are so rambling and my future seems so unsteady and uncertain to say the least.
At this point...I KNOW that I must be strong and do what I have to do to move towards the goals I
have left in a dream somewhere. I will no longer allow other people to control my thoughts or guide
my choices.
I now realize that I really NEED to get a grip and get some control of myself before I become a complete nutcase.
I know I have the mental capacity to get through these tough times. It is hard
to believe that all this has happened in just a year....and all so suddenly, and quickly. It
hardly seems it has really been THAT long. My life seems to move so quickly and I find myself
feeling older daily as I look in the mirror and see how long I have let my life go on without
pursuing what I should. I know God has given me so much...so much opportunity, yet I have
done absolutely nothing with it. I know I must not allow the guilt to overcome me, and drag
me down into the mire I have allowed my life to be suffocated by.
I have a greater purpose in this thing we all call life. I am supposed to be doing more....instead of wasting the precious time that each human is allotted.
I hope to reach my goals, though the goals are not black and white, but a gray, waiting to become a real color. I am feeling very lost, but not hopeless. I am so thankful for the hope that I still have, though it must be dug for at times...despite the constant negative awnings that shadow my positive hopes. God has truly watched over me.
It is at these times of feeling so emptied by worldy expectations that I realize how much I
have been given. My life has been this way for a greater purpose, though by the world's standards
and what satan would have me believe, its unfair....but we all can overcome our battles and the
onslaught of deep depression and hurt, with God's grace. He alone allows us that belong to
Him to NEVER lose faith. I will never let go of what God has given me. I have made my mistakes...
and I am certain that they will be plentiful through the rest of my days....but I have to look
forward and not be drug down by the guilt. I will not allow forced the insecurities,
and self hatred. No matter what, I will never be overcome with hatred for anyone,
and somehow I am still able to forgive. Nevertheless, the need for self preservation emotionally,
and for my own sanity is the survival that I still have. Everyone who has incurred pain in my life,
whether purposefully, mindlessly, or carelessly, I can still love, which is amazing, and not
of my own power.
No matter what anyone tries to convince me of....I still maintain a certain level of being non-judgmental. My parents havent a clue....how much I truly love them. They are
nowhere near perfect. I never expect them to be, yet they feel a guilt not by me but....
for their own misgivings in raising me. I know that Bethany, has the best intentions and
has truly tried to help me see what I am doing is self destructive and not honoring to God.
I know these things are true, but I still struggle to make my own way. It is like everyone is
so quick to make suggestions or to guide me, or to give advice as the best path for me to take.
I still have to make my own way. Whose advice is right? I want to trust everyone, but only God will show me the exact path to take.
It is amazing to realize how God has this perfect plan for me, yet he knows.....exactly what I will do, despite HIM. On some insignificant level, it's like I subconsciously EXPECT God to audibly tell me exactly what to do. As if these life changing events weren't slap in the face enough to get me to see, I am doing it all wrong.
Yet, satan so cunningly slithers into many cracks and crevices in my faulty soul to get to all the weakness and feed off them to get me to this downtrodden place. I fall so easily to this, as his prey, as he licks his grotesque mouth from satisfaction of the feed. He doesn't deserve my soul.
God has made me an amazing creature that has been given so many blessings, though hidden behind ugly masks,...they are like butterflies, unfolding from the cocoon...as their beauty and purpose
becomes so clear. These seemingly awful, painful, ugly events in my life only serve a greater
purpose for my strength. I do believe in God's time, He will allow me to see my purpose.
I have faltered many times, and turned my head and shoulder to God's comfort, as satan satisfies
himself in my self proclaimed agony I some how choose to linger in. The negative and positive
thoughts seem to battle, like the cliche portrayed in cartoons as characters of God and the Devil sit on each shoulder whispering the options. Satan so clearly sly as he offers the very enticing
life that only leads to destruction, but I humanly never see past the immediate satisfaction
and seemingly great choice that is offered by his evil lips.
I never see the destruction that lies ahead...yet fall into the emotionally led cycle that I so easily travel. I am very aware of what I do...but always after the pain, and hurt, and guilt has set it. Then,God sweeps me up everytime, into His loving arms to comfort me, and to wipe away the tears and guilt, for He knew I would give in to the demonic pressure. He knows how enticing and intriguing it can appear for us very dimly witted humans. Our God is amazingly understanding, and omniscient. His grace never falters and never lets us down. My mind could go on and on forever on a topic that never leaves my mind.
When will I change? When will I stop the cycle? When will I be content?
It is all in my power, and yet...I fall so easily, and get drug into the worldly mire of pursuing
the temporal as opposed to the eternal.
Erica, you must do this...for so many reasons, but
above all, to quicken your purpose. To find your purpose...in life. God will show you. Believe in good faith. He will strengthen your heart.
I found this a little over a week ago. It's posted in my blogs on myspace.
I love to find stuff like this. Introspect...and a different mindset from that I have today.
Its about 4:45 Monday morning October 4th, 2004. I feel the need to write and I don't want to sleep. Sleep and laziness has been consuming my life and I have weakly succumbed to it.
It has now been exactly one month since I hit the road from Michigan to Arizona that dreaded
day. I have now been searching for my life, and what I want for it. The sad fact is, I
have inevitably (or so it seems) allowed the past 5 years to consume my thoughts and control
what I am allowing my future to become. I am now getting a sense of comfort as I put my
thoughts into a written form of communication. I have now been out of work for a little over
2 months....and it is beginning to plague me in so many ways...among the many other tortures
of my mind that haunt my thoughts constantly. My thoughts are fleeting and flighty, jumping
from one topic to the next as my mind struggles for some sanity and stability. Joe is still
on my mind at times, though it seems to be a daily roller coaster. The pain seems to be
subsiding some, and the realization of the failure of our relationship is now an extreme reality.
The hope is still there in some small way, but very faint. I know that we can never go back. What is done is done, and I refuse to allow this to control my life.
This truly seems to be a turning point, if thats what I make it. It either goes downhill, as I normally
allow things to go, or I make a change for the better.
My thoughts are so rambling and my future seems so unsteady and uncertain to say the least.
At this point...I KNOW that I must be strong and do what I have to do to move towards the goals I
have left in a dream somewhere. I will no longer allow other people to control my thoughts or guide
my choices.
I now realize that I really NEED to get a grip and get some control of myself before I become a complete nutcase.
I know I have the mental capacity to get through these tough times. It is hard
to believe that all this has happened in just a year....and all so suddenly, and quickly. It
hardly seems it has really been THAT long. My life seems to move so quickly and I find myself
feeling older daily as I look in the mirror and see how long I have let my life go on without
pursuing what I should. I know God has given me so much...so much opportunity, yet I have
done absolutely nothing with it. I know I must not allow the guilt to overcome me, and drag
me down into the mire I have allowed my life to be suffocated by.
I have a greater purpose in this thing we all call life. I am supposed to be doing more....instead of wasting the precious time that each human is allotted.
I hope to reach my goals, though the goals are not black and white, but a gray, waiting to become a real color. I am feeling very lost, but not hopeless. I am so thankful for the hope that I still have, though it must be dug for at times...despite the constant negative awnings that shadow my positive hopes. God has truly watched over me.
It is at these times of feeling so emptied by worldy expectations that I realize how much I
have been given. My life has been this way for a greater purpose, though by the world's standards
and what satan would have me believe, its unfair....but we all can overcome our battles and the
onslaught of deep depression and hurt, with God's grace. He alone allows us that belong to
Him to NEVER lose faith. I will never let go of what God has given me. I have made my mistakes...
and I am certain that they will be plentiful through the rest of my days....but I have to look
forward and not be drug down by the guilt. I will not allow forced the insecurities,
and self hatred. No matter what, I will never be overcome with hatred for anyone,
and somehow I am still able to forgive. Nevertheless, the need for self preservation emotionally,
and for my own sanity is the survival that I still have. Everyone who has incurred pain in my life,
whether purposefully, mindlessly, or carelessly, I can still love, which is amazing, and not
of my own power.
No matter what anyone tries to convince me of....I still maintain a certain level of being non-judgmental. My parents havent a clue....how much I truly love them. They are
nowhere near perfect. I never expect them to be, yet they feel a guilt not by me but....
for their own misgivings in raising me. I know that Bethany, has the best intentions and
has truly tried to help me see what I am doing is self destructive and not honoring to God.
I know these things are true, but I still struggle to make my own way. It is like everyone is
so quick to make suggestions or to guide me, or to give advice as the best path for me to take.
I still have to make my own way. Whose advice is right? I want to trust everyone, but only God will show me the exact path to take.
It is amazing to realize how God has this perfect plan for me, yet he knows.....exactly what I will do, despite HIM. On some insignificant level, it's like I subconsciously EXPECT God to audibly tell me exactly what to do. As if these life changing events weren't slap in the face enough to get me to see, I am doing it all wrong.
Yet, satan so cunningly slithers into many cracks and crevices in my faulty soul to get to all the weakness and feed off them to get me to this downtrodden place. I fall so easily to this, as his prey, as he licks his grotesque mouth from satisfaction of the feed. He doesn't deserve my soul.
God has made me an amazing creature that has been given so many blessings, though hidden behind ugly masks,...they are like butterflies, unfolding from the cocoon...as their beauty and purpose
becomes so clear. These seemingly awful, painful, ugly events in my life only serve a greater
purpose for my strength. I do believe in God's time, He will allow me to see my purpose.
I have faltered many times, and turned my head and shoulder to God's comfort, as satan satisfies
himself in my self proclaimed agony I some how choose to linger in. The negative and positive
thoughts seem to battle, like the cliche portrayed in cartoons as characters of God and the Devil sit on each shoulder whispering the options. Satan so clearly sly as he offers the very enticing
life that only leads to destruction, but I humanly never see past the immediate satisfaction
and seemingly great choice that is offered by his evil lips.
I never see the destruction that lies ahead...yet fall into the emotionally led cycle that I so easily travel. I am very aware of what I do...but always after the pain, and hurt, and guilt has set it. Then,God sweeps me up everytime, into His loving arms to comfort me, and to wipe away the tears and guilt, for He knew I would give in to the demonic pressure. He knows how enticing and intriguing it can appear for us very dimly witted humans. Our God is amazingly understanding, and omniscient. His grace never falters and never lets us down. My mind could go on and on forever on a topic that never leaves my mind.
When will I change? When will I stop the cycle? When will I be content?
It is all in my power, and yet...I fall so easily, and get drug into the worldly mire of pursuing
the temporal as opposed to the eternal.
Erica, you must do this...for so many reasons, but
above all, to quicken your purpose. To find your purpose...in life. God will show you. Believe in good faith. He will strengthen your heart.