Sheldrake's movie review corner
Continuing my experiment in allowing Channel 5 to dictate what films I watch, I now present my thoughts on 13 Going On 30:
So, why does a 13-year-old want to be 30 anyway? Wouldn't, say, 21 have been more realistic? This is the time when, traditionally, a person looks back at their life so far and tries to work out where it all went so horribly wrong. Which isn't to say that turning 30 isn't in many ways a profound relief, but that's only because one no longer has to suffer the torture of being in one's 20s. Without having experienced one's 20s, however, this would surely not apply?
Anyway. We shall just have to accept that this child is unusually easily influenced by magazine articles and therefore quite stupid.
*
I can't help feeling that the whole 'dream house' thing might have had more of an impact if everyone in the film hadn't already been living in one. Or maybe that's just how everyone lives in America. I'm not sure. I live in a cupboard.
*
There is obviously a missing scene between the bit where she wakes up aged 30 and, er... the next scene, where she downs a bottle of gin and possible ingests some sort of highly illegal narcotic, thus explaining her behaviour throughout the rest of the film.
*
How the hell did all those people do the Thriller dance so perfectly without even practising? I found this scene slightly embarrassing, for some reason.
*
Ok, this film is Big, isn't it? Just, with a girl and not as good. There's even a seafood-related corporate event scene!
*
Talking of seafood, why does she start throwing it around like that? Is that something she did a lot when she was 13? No wonder nobody liked her.
*
I suspect there is a different film to be made here -- the one where she does go on a date with that little boy and it's all incredibly disturbing and full of angst and self-loathing, and in the end everyone is dead or in prison. That one might not have been on Channel 5, though. At least not at 5pm.
*
Why are they all looking back on their high school days with misty-eyed nostalgia? High school is surely a time of universal horror?
*
I didn't really understand this bit:
Andy Serkis: Blah blah, who's this new photographer then?
Jennifer Garner: Matt Thingummy
AS: So is he Arthur or Martha?
JG: What?
Me: What?
AS: Is he gay?
JG: Are you gay?
AS: *hysterical laughter for no apparent reason*
*
Will I ever be able to get Pat Benetar out of my head, do you think?
*
Aw, she gets married and goes to live in her dream house with Mark Ruffalo. Aw, and she puts photos of them on the shelves. Aww. That's not smug or sickening in any way!
Oh, well, I suppose I would marry Mark Ruffalo and live in a big pink house, if I absolutely had to. If I was forced to. Like if someone was going to kill my family if I didn't, that sort of thing. Hmm, actually... actually, I can't think of anything else I'd rather do with my life.
OH NO, WHY AM I HAVING THESE THOUGHTS? Now I have to claw out parts of my own brain! Pink house! Photos! I really shouldn't watch this sort of film.
Curse you, Channel 5!
*
In conclusion: I quite enjoyed this film, but it made me feel sick and strange.
THE END
So, why does a 13-year-old want to be 30 anyway? Wouldn't, say, 21 have been more realistic? This is the time when, traditionally, a person looks back at their life so far and tries to work out where it all went so horribly wrong. Which isn't to say that turning 30 isn't in many ways a profound relief, but that's only because one no longer has to suffer the torture of being in one's 20s. Without having experienced one's 20s, however, this would surely not apply?
Anyway. We shall just have to accept that this child is unusually easily influenced by magazine articles and therefore quite stupid.
*
I can't help feeling that the whole 'dream house' thing might have had more of an impact if everyone in the film hadn't already been living in one. Or maybe that's just how everyone lives in America. I'm not sure. I live in a cupboard.
*
There is obviously a missing scene between the bit where she wakes up aged 30 and, er... the next scene, where she downs a bottle of gin and possible ingests some sort of highly illegal narcotic, thus explaining her behaviour throughout the rest of the film.
*
How the hell did all those people do the Thriller dance so perfectly without even practising? I found this scene slightly embarrassing, for some reason.
*
Ok, this film is Big, isn't it? Just, with a girl and not as good. There's even a seafood-related corporate event scene!
*
Talking of seafood, why does she start throwing it around like that? Is that something she did a lot when she was 13? No wonder nobody liked her.
*
I suspect there is a different film to be made here -- the one where she does go on a date with that little boy and it's all incredibly disturbing and full of angst and self-loathing, and in the end everyone is dead or in prison. That one might not have been on Channel 5, though. At least not at 5pm.
*
Why are they all looking back on their high school days with misty-eyed nostalgia? High school is surely a time of universal horror?
*
I didn't really understand this bit:
Andy Serkis: Blah blah, who's this new photographer then?
Jennifer Garner: Matt Thingummy
AS: So is he Arthur or Martha?
JG: What?
Me: What?
AS: Is he gay?
JG: Are you gay?
AS: *hysterical laughter for no apparent reason*
*
Will I ever be able to get Pat Benetar out of my head, do you think?
*
Aw, she gets married and goes to live in her dream house with Mark Ruffalo. Aw, and she puts photos of them on the shelves. Aww. That's not smug or sickening in any way!
Oh, well, I suppose I would marry Mark Ruffalo and live in a big pink house, if I absolutely had to. If I was forced to. Like if someone was going to kill my family if I didn't, that sort of thing. Hmm, actually... actually, I can't think of anything else I'd rather do with my life.
OH NO, WHY AM I HAVING THESE THOUGHTS? Now I have to claw out parts of my own brain! Pink house! Photos! I really shouldn't watch this sort of film.
Curse you, Channel 5!
*
In conclusion: I quite enjoyed this film, but it made me feel sick and strange.
THE END