The Caper Continuum [3/5]
Title: The Caper Continuum [3/5] Sequel to Prank Wars
Author: relenafanel (Or Eternal Contradiction on ff.net)
Spoilers: General knowledge of season 2, some season 3
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Word Count: 5,600
Previous Chapters: Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 /
Disclaimer: Disclaimed. They own my soul, I don't own theirs.
Dedication: To the fabulous misskoum who came on as Creative Consultant when I was banging my head against a wall rather pathetically, tried to be supportive when I veered drastically off script for a few days, and didn't roll her eyes too hard when I returned it back to its original state with more head banging.
Locate Me: (because obviously I am awesome) http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/?poster=relenafanel
“Howard’s not doing so well,” Penny said casually. “He mentioned that he was back in therapy today. I think he’s seeing the clown even when we aren’t behind it.”
“That was an unfortunate side effect,” Sheldon said, pouring two mugs of tea from her kettle. “When one targets specific weaknesses, one must be prepared to bear the consequences.”
“I agree,” Penny said mildly. “That’s why I think we should tell him it was a prank.”
Sheldon recoiled. “But if we tell him it was a prank, we will have no recourse but to quit playing pranks altogether.”
There was that, Penny though, battering down her guilt in the face of spending more time together with Sheldon. “What if we found a way to let him know it was a prank without implicating ourselves?”
“If you’re getting cold feet I understand. I just expected you to have more fortitude considering this was your idea to begin with.”
“Well I just thought it was going to be funny, you know? I didn’t expect Howard to go crazy from it.”
“Howard’s always had underlying psychosis. If I have to predict one of them to snap and become a serial killer it would be Howard, then Leonard and then Raj.”
Yeah, thinking of Howard going over the deep end wasn’t helping since he was probably going to kill them once he realized what was going on. If he realized, Penny thought, her mind switching to Sheldon’s side. It was just self preservation not to confess at this point.
Plus, Penny rarely reacted well when Sheldon issued dares. She always took them as personal attacks against her mental fortitude, and him saying he expected more from her practically put her back up and made her insist that if he could do it, so could she.
She could do it better. The only way to get Sheldon’s attention was to out-smart, out-prank, out-do him in some way. Or at least keep up on his level. She had no hopes of doing it with science or most of his intellectual pursuits, but with this, well this was her arena.
“Ok, what’s the plan for Raj then?”
“Insects. Ladybugs specifically.”
“But... wouldn’t he know that was you?” Penny asked, trying to remember the conversation Howard had tried to tell her between giggles, constantly being interrupted by Sheldon or Raj either correcting the order of events or inserting commentary. She hadn’t understood half of Howard’s babbling about bets and grasshoppers and Sheldon losing, but she could remember Sheldon had been the one who came up with the ladybug crack.
Maybe, probably. It did seem rather humourous for Sheldon Lee Cooper to say, but sometimes Sheldon was a funny guy. Not often, but sometimes, he was even funny on purpose.
“I wasn’t the only one in the room, nor was I the one who would say ‘ladybugs’ and snicker for a week after.”
Penny stared at him. Wow. She could see it a little better now, but Sheldon’s endgame was still foggy to her. This prank on Raj was designed to cast suspicion on Howard, which in turn just might provoke Raj into retaliating.
If Raj retaliated, there was a chance Howard would attribute all the clown pranks to him, and problem solved.
Sheldon Cooper was a genius.
“Planting ladybugs, huh?” She mused. “His apartment?”
“Indeed. There are multiple points of attack which would create the appearance of an effective infestation. I believe, with liberally applied applications of live ladybugs in each room of his apartment, we could make it appear as though there are roughly five times the number than there are in actuality.”
“So where are we going to do it?” she asked.
“Imagine this as the apartment,” Sheldon said, outlining his imaginary whiteboard. “Strategically, I’d like you here, and here,” Sheldon said, pointing to Raj’s bedroom and bathroom. Approximately. Penny was getting better at visualizing the imaginary.
“The bedroom and the bathroom, my forte,” Penny said flirtatiously, winking at Sheldon. She didn’t know why she kept doing that, as he never seemed to get the fact she was being flirty. “What about the kitchen and the living room?”
“I’m on top of it,” he claimed, his voice taking on that uneasy enunciation he got when trying slang on for size.
Both of them turned towards the doorway as Leonard burst in. “What are you guys up to?” he asked frantically, brow wrinkling in confusion as he took in Penny, Penny Blossom in hand and Sheldon posed with his hand in the air.
“Hello Leonard,” they both said simultaneously.
“I’m thinking of expanding the line and Sheldon was showing me calculated projections,” she lied easily. “I was just wondering how we’d set the apartment up to accommodate the different work stations I’d need to sew, dye, cut materials and all that if I opened a clothing line. According to Sheldon it could be done, but this apartment would be a ‘veritable’ sweatshop and I’d have to sleep on bundles of cloth. What do you think, Leonard, should I try for a clothing line?”
“Whatever you want,” Leonard said in a distracted matter, and then his eyes landed on her, fully sincere and overwhelmingly intent. “Whatever you want Penny, any decisions you make, I’m behind you 100%. Remember that. I’m here for you no matter what. So if you ever need to talk...”
Oh crap, Leonard wanted to try dating again, Penny realized. She smiled uneasily. “Thanks Leonard, that’s really sweet. But I’m kind of, uh, seeing someone.”
“Are you?” Leonard asked, voice high.
Great, now he was going to go serial killer on them. Penny forced her mouth into a pleasant smile. She snapped Leonard. Now they were all going to die in a tragic love triangle murder-suicide, and she never even had sex with either of them. Was that going to be her one regret? That she didn’t jump Sheldon Cooper?
Eh, she could live with that. As far as regrets went, at least she was now being honest with herself that she even wanted to jump Sheldon in the first place. Really, it was just a matter of time. The last time she kissed him, he’d kind of touched her willingly. It wasn’t intimately, but she’d take willingly as a step forward any day. She’d get his pants off yet.
So long as Leonard didn’t bring out any kind of death rays or shot-guns within the next few seconds.
“Penny’s relationship status is no concern of yours, Leonard. I thought you had seen the error in your ways and gave up on your fool’s errand of attempting to seduce Penny through benign chit chat.”
Great, Sheldon was going to get them both killed. Didn’t he realize Leonard had cracked?
To her surprise, Leonard simply grinned. “That’s great!” he said with a foolish grin. “I mean, oh, too bad you’re seeing someone Penny, but Sheldon’s right. I’m sure it would take far more than benign chit chat to seduce you.” He then giggled and shut the door behind him.
“What the-“ Penny asked.
“Where was I?” Sheldon mused, looking at his invisible whiteboard. “Ah yes, I was thinking the couch would be the perfect place for the focus of my attentions. It is central to the room, and the cushions are quite soft.”
“But people sit on the couch,” Penny yelped in horror, thinking of all those ladybugs crawling all over Raj’s lap without him noticing.
Sheldon smirked at her. “Exactly.”
“Ok, where are we going to get ladybugs?”
“There’s a supplier in Santa Paula who sells 1,500 for seven dollars.”
“Live ladybugs,” Penny said with a rueful shake of her head. “Raj won’t know what hits him.
x.x.x.x.x.
Leonard wasn’t creeping. No. Creeping your friends was something you did on Facebook and Twitter, and to some extent Myspace, but not as many of his friends were on there anymore. Myspace had become dominated by the hipster scene, and as much as he loved it, it wasn’t something Leonard could quite pull off.
So no, he wasn’t creeping. All he was doing was hovering in the hallway, standing in the sweet acoustics spot that carried sounds from Penny’s apartment, through the crack beneath the door, and allowed him to eavesdrop on his friends.
Only standing was a misnomer, since he needed to crouch quite low to the floor to be able to get the full effect.
So where are we going to do it?
Penny’s question was the first thing Leonard heard after crouching. Wow, was he lucky or what?
Imagine this as the apartment. Strategically, I’d like you here, and here.
His eyes widened. It was one thing for Penny to tease Sheldon, it was quite another to hear Sheldon tell her exactly where all this sex was going to be taking place. For some reason Leonard had seen Sheldon as being the submissive role in this relationship, doing what Penny told him to, but he should have known Sheldon wouldn’t stand for that for long.
And heck, Penny wouldn’t want him to. Penny struck Leonard as the type who would appreciate a man taking charge.
The bedroom and the bathroom, my forte. What about the kitchen and the living room?
There was a definite teasing lilt to Penny’s voice now. Leonard could just imagine her leaning over Sheldon, her mouth pressed against the pulse point of his neck. Sheldon would be stiff as a board and looking uncomfortable - wait, no, Leonard decided, Sheldon would have his arm curled around her and would be in the process of pulling her shirt off.
And yeah, thinking about this stuff was weird.
I’m on top- Sheldon said.
This was it!
Leonard sprang forward before Sheldon finished, slamming open Penny’s door to catch them in the act before they really got it on. He was surprised and a little disappointed to find them sitting side by side on the couch, neither jumping in a guilty manner that would tell him they had been up to something other than what they appeared to be doing, which was making Penny Blossoms, not “Penny Blossoms.”
Simultaneously they turned and said hello to him. Sadly, he couldn’t count this as any kind of evidence they were in a relationship since they had always been weirdly in tandem.
He hadn’t read the situation wrong! Leonard was sure he hadn’t. They’d been planning their next rendezvous. Why weren’t they kissing! Or at least touching!
What the frak? How could he be so wrong? No, he decided, he must have just jumped the gun by a few moments. They had probably only been in the heavy staring phase, because of course Sheldon needed to work up to the touching phase. Why hadn’t he thought of that?
He barely even heard whatever words were coming out of Penny’s mouth, his brain more concerned with the possibility he had been entirely wrong. But no, that was impossible. There was too much evidence stacked on the table firmly labelled Penny + Sheldon = having sex.
“Whatever you want, Penny,” Leonard said automatically, and then realized this was the perfect opportunity to show his support of her decision to pick Sheldon over him.
He couldn’t remember ever being so excited. He wanted to hug her when she claimed to be seeing someone, because the only person he’d noticed her spending any amount of time with was Sheldon. She didn’t go out and stay out all night, preferring to spend her Saturday nights doing laundry and her weeknights on their couch. He actually couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen a guy do the walk of shame out of her apartment. She practically admitted everything!
When Sheldon stuck up for her, it was all Leonard could do to contain his SQUEE of joy.
He was such a fanboy. There was no denying it now. He was turning into one of those teenage girls who swooned every time they saw pictures of those kids who played Edward and Bella. Or Bella and that ridiculously ripped Jacob.
Seriously, how many sit ups a day did he have to do to get those abs? Leonard did like 100 before bed three times a week (when he remembered) and he counted himself lucky if he didn’t pull a muscle, let alone get some kind of eight pack that defined muscles the human body shouldn’t even have!
And oh wow, they were so perfect together. Sheldon and Penny that was, though he secretly was a fan of Team Jacob. Leonard always cheered for the underdog. It had just taken him a while to realize that in this instance the underdog was Sheldon and not himself.
Penny made the right choice, the unexpected but absolutely perfect choice. The idea brought tears to his eyes and he effulged a little too hard about how great it was that they were together without ever letting on he knew.
It took more than benign chit chat to seduce a woman like Penny. It took Doctor Sheldon Cooper. He couldn’t help the grin, he was so happy seeing them together it was ridiculous and made him feel foolish. But look at them!
They were in love.
Leonard left with a manly chuckle. It sounded nothing like a giggle. Nothing at all. Something was definitely going on between those two! He was more and more sure of his own mind, but still needed proof.
It was even more evident when they immediately picked up the conversation when he left:
Where was I? Ah yes, I was thinking the couch would be the perfect place for the focus of my attentions. It is central to the room, and the cushions are quite soft.
But people sit on the couch!
Exactly.
Leonard could hear the evil in Sheldon’s tone, even from the hallway, despite the fact he wasn’t standing in the sweet spot, but was, instead, heading towards his own apartment.
Geez. He was sitting in the chair from now on.
But now he had to figure out how to prove Sheldon and Penny were having sex. No, not sex. Penny + Sheldon = making love.
Simply walking in on them wouldn’t work. Penny was too quick for him, and he could see a long line of situations where she’d be able to explain away what was going on without batting an eye. Oh Leonard, Sheldon just has something in his eye. Oh Leonard, Sheldon just has something in his pants. Oh Leonard, Sheldon was just checking to see if my breasts are the same size because my new dress fits strangely. Oh Leonard, this is totally embarrassing but Sheldon’s fingers are longer than mine and I needed him to retrieve something for me.
What Leonard really needed, he decided, was a tape recorder. Then he’d have irrefutable proof.
x.x.x.x.x.
Leonard decided a tape recorder was a terrible idea. He wanted confirmation Penny and Sheldon were having sex. He didn’t want to actually hear them in action.
Gross.
x.x.x.x.x.
The ladybugs were delivered quicker than either Sheldon or Penny expected them, and suddenly they were left with a mason jar full of creepy crawly genteel bugs. They had their plan, but they were unprepared to implement it. Raj was supposed to present a speech based on his People’s People under 30 award, kind of a retrospective, where are they now type deal, and he’d be out of the state next weekend, which was when the bugs were supposed to arrive.
“Well, what now?” Penny asked, staring at the jar of bugs Sheldon had set on her kitchen counter. “Will they last a week and a half?”
“Doubtful. Not without cannibalizing themselves.”
Penny recoiled. “Do they do that?”
“I’d have to check,” Sheldon said uneasily. “You’ll have to keep them here in the meanwhile.”
“Why?” Penny questioned shrilly.
“So Leonard won’t find them.”
“No,” Penny said firmly. “Absolutely not. You wanted to use real ladybugs on Raj, you can keep them in your room.”
“But Penny,” Sheldon said, his voice in a sharp panic. “They’re bugs. You know I don’t like insects.”
“Why do you think I like them? What if the bottle breaks?”
Sheldon moved away from the jar and drew his arms up to his chest uneasily. “Penny,” he whined. “I can’t have bugs in my room.”
“Ok, ok,” She said, not to agree with him but to calm him down. “It’s ok, let me think ok? You might be able to come up with plans, but I’m the one who thinks outside of the box when your plans fail.”
“I disagree,” Sheldon snapped. “Who thought to string your underwear up from the telephone pole? “
“One thing doesn’t make a pattern,” she pointed out, forging ahead as he shot her one of his killing glares. “Anyway, I’ve got it. Tonight Raj and Howard usually go out trolling for women right?”
“Yes,” Sheldon answered doubtfully. “It’s their clubbing night.”
“Great, so we’ll just do it tonight.”
x.x.x.x.x.
So there she was standing in Raj’s apartment, pleasantly surprised it didn’t smell like corn chips like so many bachelor apartments she’d been in over the years. Sheldon had stopped sulking about his plan being thrown off projection at some point during the drive over. Penny had dressed all in black for the occasion. Sheldon was in his usual vibrant colors, but she didn’t say anything to complain, since it was highly unlikely they would do any skulking and it wasn’t really worth the effort to force him to change.
As if she could. He was stubborn like that.
Sheldon kept a firm grasp on the jar of bugs all the way over, despite the fact she knew he didn’t want to. She had asked him to when they first entered the car because she didn’t want to take a corner sharply and find her vehicle infested with flying insects. It was a safety hazard, and after shivering in absolute terror - at the idea of being in a moving vehicle full of a ladybug swarm or at the idea of holding the jar for the entire drive, Penny wasn’t sure - Sheldon had followed through.
The boy was impressing her left and right these days. He still hadn’t given her a lecture about mouth bacteria, which she had been fully expecting to happen, if not after the first kiss, then definitely after the second. When it never came, she realized he wasn’t giving her a lecture on purpose, because he actually wanted her to kiss him.
Either that or he thought the last one he gave her after she bit his foot illustrated his point on the subject and he didn’t want to repeat it. Sheldon did hate repeating himself.
Penny was going for the first option.
They were standing in Raj’s living room as Sheldon inspected the couch to figure out the best place to place an infestation. Penny was liking this idea less and less. How were they supposed to get the bugs out of the jar without getting any on them?
Why hadn’t she thought to make these points when Sheldon was outlining the plan in the first place? It was her job to veto these things. She was supposedly the practical one.
“Hold on,” Raj’s voice came drifting down the hallway. “I know I said we could go to a club, but I forgot to wear my lucky underwear.” There was a murmur of a response that Penny couldn’t hear, and then Raj spoke again. “Dude, any underwear is lucky so long as it doesn’t have a rip up the side like this pair.” Someone, probably Howard, said something in return, and then Raj’s key was scraping against the lock. “No! I will not tell the ladies it is a knife wound. That’s gross.”
Both Penny and Sheldon stilled, heads snapping to attention. Almost in a slow motion parody of each other, they glanced at the door simultaneous. Penny’s eyes then started frantically darting around the small apartment, but Sheldon simply sighed in a resigned manner and sat on the couch.
“Hide,” Penny hissed, fingers pulling at his shirt.
“Penny, I have found through experience that hiding is never effective. They always find you, and the fact that you hid only aspirates the situation. I don’t believe Raj capable of giving me a swirly, even if he had the upper body strength to force my head into the toilet bowl, but I do not intend to find out.”
All through this speech, Penny was only half listening. Her eyes darted towards Raj’s bedroom, where he would need to go to change underwear. They couldn’t hide there. Bathroom? Knowing Raj and his teensy bladder, he’d make a quick pit stop before heading out again.
Closet. Oh, that had potential.
In more ways than one.
Penny smirked at Sheldon before grabbing his arm and forcefully hauled him into Raj’s coat closet. It was a tight squeeze for them both to fit in there, with Sheldon griping about her manhandling until she hissed at him to be quiet or Raj would hear. She just managed to slip into the closet next to Sheldon, her calves hitting against a wooden storage chest Raj had on the floor, when Raj entered his apartment. The closet door closed concurrently to the front opening.
The stupid glass jar of bugs was pressed against her stomach, right beneath her breasts. More promising was the fact that so were Sheldon’s hands. For a second, as Raj walked by them on his way to his bedroom, Penny considered sinking just an inch lower and rubbing the underside of her chest against Sheldon’s fingers, just to see what happened.
Of course, he’d probably drop the jar of bugs and then they’d be left in a closet swarmed with insects, and if that wasn’t creepier than a clown, Penny didn’t know what was.
Sheldon inhaled, and for a second she thought he was going to have a panic attack, but then she realized he was smelling her hair and shifting slightly closer to her.
Ohhh. Well then. If he wanted to, Penny thought with an internal grin.
“Put it down,” Penny suggested.
“Why?” he question, body flinching as Penny ran a hand up his side, arm curling beneath his folded arms so she could touch his chest.
“So I can kiss you,” she told him.
She could feel Sheldon’s gaze, even though she couldn’t really see anything in the depths of Raj’s closet. Slowly, he moved, his torso shifting downwards, shoulder rubbing against her knee as he put the jar of bugs on the ground.
Success! Step 5 of her plan was definitely working out better than she thought it would.
Sheldon, in a move so suave it gave her a start, managed to stand straight and place his hands on her waist, fingers barely resting against the material of her shirt. Ok, so it wasn’t that smooth of a move, but for Sheldon it was analogous with saying ‘take me Penny, I’m ready to have my mouth ravished.’
Penny licked her lips and shifted closer to him, placing her hands on his cheeks so she could determine exactly where he was. Her mouth landed directly on his, and Penny stepped backwards and upwards, using the wooden chest in Raj’s closet to her advantage. Suddenly she was leaning down to kiss Sheldon, and she used the change in angle to her advantage, running her hands through his hair and directing the angle of his head so she could deepen the kiss.
Wow, she was making out with Sheldon in Raj’s coat closet.
Her tongue slid against his, sure and quick, but testing and teasing at the same time. When he didn’t recoil, she let it leisurely curl in his mouth, coaxing him to respond.
Then Sheldon Cooper did the unexpected. He bit down lightly on her bottom lip, pulling back slightly and sucking her lip into his mouth for a fraction of a second. It was the tiniest nibble, really, but from Sheldon it was the sexiest thing he’d done yet, shooting a jolt through her and numbing her brain to everything but him. Then he kissed her, pushing back against her and pulling her towards him all at once. His hands slipped down her waist, long finger gripping against the curve of her rear as his tongue slid over the sensitive flesh on the roof of her mouth and she groaned against his lips.
She couldn’t get enough of him, and he didn’t seem to be against the idea of her trying. At all. In fact, no matter what denials emerged from his throat, his mouth was repeatedly saying something different when it was on hers.
That pulled her up short. He never had tried to turn her down or turn her away like she thought he would.
His mouth was always saying the same thing. Why hadn’t she noticed that before?
“Sheldon,” Penny breathed, the words muffled between their lips. She was taking quick nips from his mouth now, trying to catch her breath but unable to stop kissing him. Her breasts were pressed heavily against his chest, and she could feel his panting beneath her, the sensation creating subtle vibrations. Everything with Sheldon seemed heightened and Penny wasn’t sure if it was because she loved him or if it was because it was still such a novel idea that he was participating in something as risky, slimy (if she was being honest, making out was kind of gross if he wasn’t into it), and physical as kissing her in Raj’s coat closet.
The wood of the box cracked beneath her feet. The sound deafening in the airless room, even above the sounds of their panting. Penny reacted, moving forward so that she was in Sheldon’s arms for a moment before sliding down his body, her body rubbing against his deliciously.
Sheldon compensated for her weight by taking a step back.
Glass shattered.
“What the?” Raj questioned, hand on the door. He was literally inches away from their hiding place, and Penny was sure he was facing in their direction. She resisted the urge to cover Sheldon’s mouth with her hand, to make sure he didn’t say anything to give away their position. It would probably be just as prudent to cover her hand with her mouth, since she was breathing audibly from a combination of the kissing (which, worst fantastic idea ever) and anxiety they were about to be caught.
“RAAAAAAJ!” Howard called from the hallway. “HURRY UP. YOU’RE SLOWER THAN COLD MOLASSES!”
He sounded frighteningly like his mother.
“OKAY,” Raj yelled back, and then muttered under his breath, “you old biddy.”
Then he was gone and both Penny and Sheldon let out a mutual sigh of relief.
“Penny, I feel tingles.”
“Me too,” she said with a grin. He just used tingles to describe the post-kissing sensation. Adorable. “It’s because you’re a great kisser.”
“Well, I won’t deny that in the face of the overwhelming evidence. I do excel at everything I do, with the exception of vehicular driving, but I think the discomforting sensation is because ladybugs are crawling up my leg.”
Penny shrieked and darted out of the closet, not even caring if Raj decided to return to change his socks or something. When Sheldon didn’t emerge, she realized that he was far more freaked out than she was. Sheldon was the one who screamed at the sight of a spider, and now that light had filtered through the door of the closet, he was staring down at his leg in horror and revulsion.
“Penny,” he begged in a choked voice.
There were totally ladybugs crawling up his leg. She wasn’t sure if he could see them or not, but she could and it was a terrifying sight, almost like that scene in The Mummy with the scarabs and... yeah, she was freaking herself out a little bit, and he was relying on her to be the heroic bug killer.
Penny reached into the closet and dragged Sheldon out of it. “Take off your pants!” she barked, hands already rapidly removing his belt. It was testament to how petrified he was that he wasn’t resisting her partially stripping him, especially considering his hands had just been groping her ass.
She didn’t even sneak a peek, or at least much of one, before taking his pants and swiping the ladybugs off. Some were still in larval state and couldn’t fly away, but many took flight, some clinging to her clothes but most diverging around the apartment. It was the larvae that were difficult to get off. The little buggers clung and were super ugly to boot.
She was just finishing up with his pants, turning them inside-out to check to make sure she got everything, when she realized she had pretty much accomplished her entire plan. Now it looked something like this:
Step 1: Get Sheldon to agree with her plan.
Step 2: Suggest a prank to play on Leonard/Raj/Howard/Kripke/Wheaton
Step 3: Sit close to Sheldon and plan plans. Argue a lot. Keep alone time going as long as possible.
Step 4: Be sneaky.
Step 5: Snog the pants off Sheldon Lee Cooper. Bonus points for being literal.
Though technically, getting Sheldon Lee Cooper’s pants off had been a by-product of the snogging, not actually a direct result thereof. She was still counting it and implementing Step 4: Be sneaky as justification.
So she peeked. She couldn’t help it. His legs were just as she remembered them, kind of scrawny, and at first glance she’d call them chicken-legs, but proportionately skinny and not like how some men with wide thighs had scrawny calves. Only, Sheldon had one of his legs up on a chair as he swiped at what were now imaginary bugs, and she might have been hallucinating, but it looked like he had some muscle definition because as he shifted there was definitely some flexing going on.
Must be all those stairs he climbed.
“Penny, why didn’t you think to bring bug spray?”
She was too busy licking her lips to respond.
“Penny? Penny,” he said impatiently. “Penny.”
“Huh? Wha?” she asked, reluctantly dragging her attention to his face. “Oh, uh... why didn’t you?”
“Must I think of everything?” he asked. “And could you stop ogling me? It’s making me uncomfortable. I’m not the type of man you objectify.”
“No?” she asked with a smirk. “Why not?”
“Why not?” he echoed incredulously. “I’m a scientist. A theoretical physicist. My IQ is 187. To quote you, it is my mind which is beautiful and I should be appreciated thusly.”
“It’s not just your mind, Sheldon,” she told him, running her eyes down his body and grinning as he eeped. “I could give you a list. But I doubt that would help. Would it make you feel better if I took my pants off as well, and we can have a no-pants peep party?” She unbuttoned the top of her black jeans and shimmied until her bright pink underwear was showing and he was giving her a horrified, wide-eyed look of panic. Penny laughed and handed him his pants, turning around so he could put them back on because she might tease him, but she didn’t want to entirely break him. “It’s a shame I’m not allowed to objectify you. Your legs aren’t bad Dr. Cooper, and I’ve got this huuuuge thing for your hands.”
“I noticed.”
“You noticed,” she echoed in surprise, whipping her head around so rapidly she caught said hands buttoning his slacks. There was a small strip of pale skin exposed between where he had hiked up his shirts to accommodate his pants. She was almost too startled to notice. Almost.
“You’ve been getting distracted when I do complex manoeuvres whilst playing Halo, to the point where I automatically win. You pay keen attention to my movements rather than my words when I’m trying to demonstrate something using my imaginary whiteboard.” He stepped up beside her, and brought his hand up to her ear. For a second she thought he was picking a bug off, but instead his fingers trailed above her skin, not quite touching her but mere millimetres away. They moved slowly down her jawline, and she could almost feel the ghost of his touch, but more importantly she could see his hands, traveling leisurely above her skin. As he did this, he spoke, his voice intent. “I know my hands arouse you because you make a sound of approval every time I touch you.”
His fingers brushed against her lips, stroking this time. They parted involuntarily beneath his light teasing. Penny made a desperate sound in the back of her throat, not even meaning to - one that spoke of both approval and desperate need - and he smirked at her as he stepped away, his hypothesis proved.
“Jesus Sheldon,” Penny whispered, licking her lip and imagining she could taste him on them.
He was going to be the death of her.
x.x.x.x.x.
A/N: Well, Continuum is officially half way over. This is the point I always feel the most insecure about, because I worry I screwed the pooch and instead of giving a slow wonderful built-up to the climactic scenes, I instead started too hot-n-heavy and there’s nothing to anticipate anymore. I call this the mid-story neurosis (I just made that up). The next chapter is the penultimate one, and I will have a few announcements to make at the end of it (if I forget, you’re totally allowed to ask) about bonus material.
Ok, so I just added that because penultimate is an awesome word. Go vocabulary.
But really. Bonus material. Anticipate it.
Author: relenafanel (Or Eternal Contradiction on ff.net)
Spoilers: General knowledge of season 2, some season 3
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Word Count: 5,600
Previous Chapters: Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 /
Disclaimer: Disclaimed. They own my soul, I don't own theirs.
Dedication: To the fabulous misskoum who came on as Creative Consultant when I was banging my head against a wall rather pathetically, tried to be supportive when I veered drastically off script for a few days, and didn't roll her eyes too hard when I returned it back to its original state with more head banging.
Locate Me: (because obviously I am awesome) http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/?poster=relenafanel
“Howard’s not doing so well,” Penny said casually. “He mentioned that he was back in therapy today. I think he’s seeing the clown even when we aren’t behind it.”
“That was an unfortunate side effect,” Sheldon said, pouring two mugs of tea from her kettle. “When one targets specific weaknesses, one must be prepared to bear the consequences.”
“I agree,” Penny said mildly. “That’s why I think we should tell him it was a prank.”
Sheldon recoiled. “But if we tell him it was a prank, we will have no recourse but to quit playing pranks altogether.”
There was that, Penny though, battering down her guilt in the face of spending more time together with Sheldon. “What if we found a way to let him know it was a prank without implicating ourselves?”
“If you’re getting cold feet I understand. I just expected you to have more fortitude considering this was your idea to begin with.”
“Well I just thought it was going to be funny, you know? I didn’t expect Howard to go crazy from it.”
“Howard’s always had underlying psychosis. If I have to predict one of them to snap and become a serial killer it would be Howard, then Leonard and then Raj.”
Yeah, thinking of Howard going over the deep end wasn’t helping since he was probably going to kill them once he realized what was going on. If he realized, Penny thought, her mind switching to Sheldon’s side. It was just self preservation not to confess at this point.
Plus, Penny rarely reacted well when Sheldon issued dares. She always took them as personal attacks against her mental fortitude, and him saying he expected more from her practically put her back up and made her insist that if he could do it, so could she.
She could do it better. The only way to get Sheldon’s attention was to out-smart, out-prank, out-do him in some way. Or at least keep up on his level. She had no hopes of doing it with science or most of his intellectual pursuits, but with this, well this was her arena.
“Ok, what’s the plan for Raj then?”
“Insects. Ladybugs specifically.”
“But... wouldn’t he know that was you?” Penny asked, trying to remember the conversation Howard had tried to tell her between giggles, constantly being interrupted by Sheldon or Raj either correcting the order of events or inserting commentary. She hadn’t understood half of Howard’s babbling about bets and grasshoppers and Sheldon losing, but she could remember Sheldon had been the one who came up with the ladybug crack.
Maybe, probably. It did seem rather humourous for Sheldon Lee Cooper to say, but sometimes Sheldon was a funny guy. Not often, but sometimes, he was even funny on purpose.
“I wasn’t the only one in the room, nor was I the one who would say ‘ladybugs’ and snicker for a week after.”
Penny stared at him. Wow. She could see it a little better now, but Sheldon’s endgame was still foggy to her. This prank on Raj was designed to cast suspicion on Howard, which in turn just might provoke Raj into retaliating.
If Raj retaliated, there was a chance Howard would attribute all the clown pranks to him, and problem solved.
Sheldon Cooper was a genius.
“Planting ladybugs, huh?” She mused. “His apartment?”
“Indeed. There are multiple points of attack which would create the appearance of an effective infestation. I believe, with liberally applied applications of live ladybugs in each room of his apartment, we could make it appear as though there are roughly five times the number than there are in actuality.”
“So where are we going to do it?” she asked.
“Imagine this as the apartment,” Sheldon said, outlining his imaginary whiteboard. “Strategically, I’d like you here, and here,” Sheldon said, pointing to Raj’s bedroom and bathroom. Approximately. Penny was getting better at visualizing the imaginary.
“The bedroom and the bathroom, my forte,” Penny said flirtatiously, winking at Sheldon. She didn’t know why she kept doing that, as he never seemed to get the fact she was being flirty. “What about the kitchen and the living room?”
“I’m on top of it,” he claimed, his voice taking on that uneasy enunciation he got when trying slang on for size.
Both of them turned towards the doorway as Leonard burst in. “What are you guys up to?” he asked frantically, brow wrinkling in confusion as he took in Penny, Penny Blossom in hand and Sheldon posed with his hand in the air.
“Hello Leonard,” they both said simultaneously.
“I’m thinking of expanding the line and Sheldon was showing me calculated projections,” she lied easily. “I was just wondering how we’d set the apartment up to accommodate the different work stations I’d need to sew, dye, cut materials and all that if I opened a clothing line. According to Sheldon it could be done, but this apartment would be a ‘veritable’ sweatshop and I’d have to sleep on bundles of cloth. What do you think, Leonard, should I try for a clothing line?”
“Whatever you want,” Leonard said in a distracted matter, and then his eyes landed on her, fully sincere and overwhelmingly intent. “Whatever you want Penny, any decisions you make, I’m behind you 100%. Remember that. I’m here for you no matter what. So if you ever need to talk...”
Oh crap, Leonard wanted to try dating again, Penny realized. She smiled uneasily. “Thanks Leonard, that’s really sweet. But I’m kind of, uh, seeing someone.”
“Are you?” Leonard asked, voice high.
Great, now he was going to go serial killer on them. Penny forced her mouth into a pleasant smile. She snapped Leonard. Now they were all going to die in a tragic love triangle murder-suicide, and she never even had sex with either of them. Was that going to be her one regret? That she didn’t jump Sheldon Cooper?
Eh, she could live with that. As far as regrets went, at least she was now being honest with herself that she even wanted to jump Sheldon in the first place. Really, it was just a matter of time. The last time she kissed him, he’d kind of touched her willingly. It wasn’t intimately, but she’d take willingly as a step forward any day. She’d get his pants off yet.
So long as Leonard didn’t bring out any kind of death rays or shot-guns within the next few seconds.
“Penny’s relationship status is no concern of yours, Leonard. I thought you had seen the error in your ways and gave up on your fool’s errand of attempting to seduce Penny through benign chit chat.”
Great, Sheldon was going to get them both killed. Didn’t he realize Leonard had cracked?
To her surprise, Leonard simply grinned. “That’s great!” he said with a foolish grin. “I mean, oh, too bad you’re seeing someone Penny, but Sheldon’s right. I’m sure it would take far more than benign chit chat to seduce you.” He then giggled and shut the door behind him.
“What the-“ Penny asked.
“Where was I?” Sheldon mused, looking at his invisible whiteboard. “Ah yes, I was thinking the couch would be the perfect place for the focus of my attentions. It is central to the room, and the cushions are quite soft.”
“But people sit on the couch,” Penny yelped in horror, thinking of all those ladybugs crawling all over Raj’s lap without him noticing.
Sheldon smirked at her. “Exactly.”
“Ok, where are we going to get ladybugs?”
“There’s a supplier in Santa Paula who sells 1,500 for seven dollars.”
“Live ladybugs,” Penny said with a rueful shake of her head. “Raj won’t know what hits him.
x.x.x.x.x.
Leonard wasn’t creeping. No. Creeping your friends was something you did on Facebook and Twitter, and to some extent Myspace, but not as many of his friends were on there anymore. Myspace had become dominated by the hipster scene, and as much as he loved it, it wasn’t something Leonard could quite pull off.
So no, he wasn’t creeping. All he was doing was hovering in the hallway, standing in the sweet acoustics spot that carried sounds from Penny’s apartment, through the crack beneath the door, and allowed him to eavesdrop on his friends.
Only standing was a misnomer, since he needed to crouch quite low to the floor to be able to get the full effect.
So where are we going to do it?
Penny’s question was the first thing Leonard heard after crouching. Wow, was he lucky or what?
Imagine this as the apartment. Strategically, I’d like you here, and here.
His eyes widened. It was one thing for Penny to tease Sheldon, it was quite another to hear Sheldon tell her exactly where all this sex was going to be taking place. For some reason Leonard had seen Sheldon as being the submissive role in this relationship, doing what Penny told him to, but he should have known Sheldon wouldn’t stand for that for long.
And heck, Penny wouldn’t want him to. Penny struck Leonard as the type who would appreciate a man taking charge.
The bedroom and the bathroom, my forte. What about the kitchen and the living room?
There was a definite teasing lilt to Penny’s voice now. Leonard could just imagine her leaning over Sheldon, her mouth pressed against the pulse point of his neck. Sheldon would be stiff as a board and looking uncomfortable - wait, no, Leonard decided, Sheldon would have his arm curled around her and would be in the process of pulling her shirt off.
And yeah, thinking about this stuff was weird.
I’m on top- Sheldon said.
This was it!
Leonard sprang forward before Sheldon finished, slamming open Penny’s door to catch them in the act before they really got it on. He was surprised and a little disappointed to find them sitting side by side on the couch, neither jumping in a guilty manner that would tell him they had been up to something other than what they appeared to be doing, which was making Penny Blossoms, not “Penny Blossoms.”
Simultaneously they turned and said hello to him. Sadly, he couldn’t count this as any kind of evidence they were in a relationship since they had always been weirdly in tandem.
He hadn’t read the situation wrong! Leonard was sure he hadn’t. They’d been planning their next rendezvous. Why weren’t they kissing! Or at least touching!
What the frak? How could he be so wrong? No, he decided, he must have just jumped the gun by a few moments. They had probably only been in the heavy staring phase, because of course Sheldon needed to work up to the touching phase. Why hadn’t he thought of that?
He barely even heard whatever words were coming out of Penny’s mouth, his brain more concerned with the possibility he had been entirely wrong. But no, that was impossible. There was too much evidence stacked on the table firmly labelled Penny + Sheldon = having sex.
“Whatever you want, Penny,” Leonard said automatically, and then realized this was the perfect opportunity to show his support of her decision to pick Sheldon over him.
He couldn’t remember ever being so excited. He wanted to hug her when she claimed to be seeing someone, because the only person he’d noticed her spending any amount of time with was Sheldon. She didn’t go out and stay out all night, preferring to spend her Saturday nights doing laundry and her weeknights on their couch. He actually couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen a guy do the walk of shame out of her apartment. She practically admitted everything!
When Sheldon stuck up for her, it was all Leonard could do to contain his SQUEE of joy.
He was such a fanboy. There was no denying it now. He was turning into one of those teenage girls who swooned every time they saw pictures of those kids who played Edward and Bella. Or Bella and that ridiculously ripped Jacob.
Seriously, how many sit ups a day did he have to do to get those abs? Leonard did like 100 before bed three times a week (when he remembered) and he counted himself lucky if he didn’t pull a muscle, let alone get some kind of eight pack that defined muscles the human body shouldn’t even have!
And oh wow, they were so perfect together. Sheldon and Penny that was, though he secretly was a fan of Team Jacob. Leonard always cheered for the underdog. It had just taken him a while to realize that in this instance the underdog was Sheldon and not himself.
Penny made the right choice, the unexpected but absolutely perfect choice. The idea brought tears to his eyes and he effulged a little too hard about how great it was that they were together without ever letting on he knew.
It took more than benign chit chat to seduce a woman like Penny. It took Doctor Sheldon Cooper. He couldn’t help the grin, he was so happy seeing them together it was ridiculous and made him feel foolish. But look at them!
They were in love.
Leonard left with a manly chuckle. It sounded nothing like a giggle. Nothing at all. Something was definitely going on between those two! He was more and more sure of his own mind, but still needed proof.
It was even more evident when they immediately picked up the conversation when he left:
Where was I? Ah yes, I was thinking the couch would be the perfect place for the focus of my attentions. It is central to the room, and the cushions are quite soft.
But people sit on the couch!
Exactly.
Leonard could hear the evil in Sheldon’s tone, even from the hallway, despite the fact he wasn’t standing in the sweet spot, but was, instead, heading towards his own apartment.
Geez. He was sitting in the chair from now on.
But now he had to figure out how to prove Sheldon and Penny were having sex. No, not sex. Penny + Sheldon = making love.
Simply walking in on them wouldn’t work. Penny was too quick for him, and he could see a long line of situations where she’d be able to explain away what was going on without batting an eye. Oh Leonard, Sheldon just has something in his eye. Oh Leonard, Sheldon just has something in his pants. Oh Leonard, Sheldon was just checking to see if my breasts are the same size because my new dress fits strangely. Oh Leonard, this is totally embarrassing but Sheldon’s fingers are longer than mine and I needed him to retrieve something for me.
What Leonard really needed, he decided, was a tape recorder. Then he’d have irrefutable proof.
x.x.x.x.x.
Leonard decided a tape recorder was a terrible idea. He wanted confirmation Penny and Sheldon were having sex. He didn’t want to actually hear them in action.
Gross.
x.x.x.x.x.
The ladybugs were delivered quicker than either Sheldon or Penny expected them, and suddenly they were left with a mason jar full of creepy crawly genteel bugs. They had their plan, but they were unprepared to implement it. Raj was supposed to present a speech based on his People’s People under 30 award, kind of a retrospective, where are they now type deal, and he’d be out of the state next weekend, which was when the bugs were supposed to arrive.
“Well, what now?” Penny asked, staring at the jar of bugs Sheldon had set on her kitchen counter. “Will they last a week and a half?”
“Doubtful. Not without cannibalizing themselves.”
Penny recoiled. “Do they do that?”
“I’d have to check,” Sheldon said uneasily. “You’ll have to keep them here in the meanwhile.”
“Why?” Penny questioned shrilly.
“So Leonard won’t find them.”
“No,” Penny said firmly. “Absolutely not. You wanted to use real ladybugs on Raj, you can keep them in your room.”
“But Penny,” Sheldon said, his voice in a sharp panic. “They’re bugs. You know I don’t like insects.”
“Why do you think I like them? What if the bottle breaks?”
Sheldon moved away from the jar and drew his arms up to his chest uneasily. “Penny,” he whined. “I can’t have bugs in my room.”
“Ok, ok,” She said, not to agree with him but to calm him down. “It’s ok, let me think ok? You might be able to come up with plans, but I’m the one who thinks outside of the box when your plans fail.”
“I disagree,” Sheldon snapped. “Who thought to string your underwear up from the telephone pole? “
“One thing doesn’t make a pattern,” she pointed out, forging ahead as he shot her one of his killing glares. “Anyway, I’ve got it. Tonight Raj and Howard usually go out trolling for women right?”
“Yes,” Sheldon answered doubtfully. “It’s their clubbing night.”
“Great, so we’ll just do it tonight.”
x.x.x.x.x.
So there she was standing in Raj’s apartment, pleasantly surprised it didn’t smell like corn chips like so many bachelor apartments she’d been in over the years. Sheldon had stopped sulking about his plan being thrown off projection at some point during the drive over. Penny had dressed all in black for the occasion. Sheldon was in his usual vibrant colors, but she didn’t say anything to complain, since it was highly unlikely they would do any skulking and it wasn’t really worth the effort to force him to change.
As if she could. He was stubborn like that.
Sheldon kept a firm grasp on the jar of bugs all the way over, despite the fact she knew he didn’t want to. She had asked him to when they first entered the car because she didn’t want to take a corner sharply and find her vehicle infested with flying insects. It was a safety hazard, and after shivering in absolute terror - at the idea of being in a moving vehicle full of a ladybug swarm or at the idea of holding the jar for the entire drive, Penny wasn’t sure - Sheldon had followed through.
The boy was impressing her left and right these days. He still hadn’t given her a lecture about mouth bacteria, which she had been fully expecting to happen, if not after the first kiss, then definitely after the second. When it never came, she realized he wasn’t giving her a lecture on purpose, because he actually wanted her to kiss him.
Either that or he thought the last one he gave her after she bit his foot illustrated his point on the subject and he didn’t want to repeat it. Sheldon did hate repeating himself.
Penny was going for the first option.
They were standing in Raj’s living room as Sheldon inspected the couch to figure out the best place to place an infestation. Penny was liking this idea less and less. How were they supposed to get the bugs out of the jar without getting any on them?
Why hadn’t she thought to make these points when Sheldon was outlining the plan in the first place? It was her job to veto these things. She was supposedly the practical one.
“Hold on,” Raj’s voice came drifting down the hallway. “I know I said we could go to a club, but I forgot to wear my lucky underwear.” There was a murmur of a response that Penny couldn’t hear, and then Raj spoke again. “Dude, any underwear is lucky so long as it doesn’t have a rip up the side like this pair.” Someone, probably Howard, said something in return, and then Raj’s key was scraping against the lock. “No! I will not tell the ladies it is a knife wound. That’s gross.”
Both Penny and Sheldon stilled, heads snapping to attention. Almost in a slow motion parody of each other, they glanced at the door simultaneous. Penny’s eyes then started frantically darting around the small apartment, but Sheldon simply sighed in a resigned manner and sat on the couch.
“Hide,” Penny hissed, fingers pulling at his shirt.
“Penny, I have found through experience that hiding is never effective. They always find you, and the fact that you hid only aspirates the situation. I don’t believe Raj capable of giving me a swirly, even if he had the upper body strength to force my head into the toilet bowl, but I do not intend to find out.”
All through this speech, Penny was only half listening. Her eyes darted towards Raj’s bedroom, where he would need to go to change underwear. They couldn’t hide there. Bathroom? Knowing Raj and his teensy bladder, he’d make a quick pit stop before heading out again.
Closet. Oh, that had potential.
In more ways than one.
Penny smirked at Sheldon before grabbing his arm and forcefully hauled him into Raj’s coat closet. It was a tight squeeze for them both to fit in there, with Sheldon griping about her manhandling until she hissed at him to be quiet or Raj would hear. She just managed to slip into the closet next to Sheldon, her calves hitting against a wooden storage chest Raj had on the floor, when Raj entered his apartment. The closet door closed concurrently to the front opening.
The stupid glass jar of bugs was pressed against her stomach, right beneath her breasts. More promising was the fact that so were Sheldon’s hands. For a second, as Raj walked by them on his way to his bedroom, Penny considered sinking just an inch lower and rubbing the underside of her chest against Sheldon’s fingers, just to see what happened.
Of course, he’d probably drop the jar of bugs and then they’d be left in a closet swarmed with insects, and if that wasn’t creepier than a clown, Penny didn’t know what was.
Sheldon inhaled, and for a second she thought he was going to have a panic attack, but then she realized he was smelling her hair and shifting slightly closer to her.
Ohhh. Well then. If he wanted to, Penny thought with an internal grin.
“Put it down,” Penny suggested.
“Why?” he question, body flinching as Penny ran a hand up his side, arm curling beneath his folded arms so she could touch his chest.
“So I can kiss you,” she told him.
She could feel Sheldon’s gaze, even though she couldn’t really see anything in the depths of Raj’s closet. Slowly, he moved, his torso shifting downwards, shoulder rubbing against her knee as he put the jar of bugs on the ground.
Success! Step 5 of her plan was definitely working out better than she thought it would.
Sheldon, in a move so suave it gave her a start, managed to stand straight and place his hands on her waist, fingers barely resting against the material of her shirt. Ok, so it wasn’t that smooth of a move, but for Sheldon it was analogous with saying ‘take me Penny, I’m ready to have my mouth ravished.’
Penny licked her lips and shifted closer to him, placing her hands on his cheeks so she could determine exactly where he was. Her mouth landed directly on his, and Penny stepped backwards and upwards, using the wooden chest in Raj’s closet to her advantage. Suddenly she was leaning down to kiss Sheldon, and she used the change in angle to her advantage, running her hands through his hair and directing the angle of his head so she could deepen the kiss.
Wow, she was making out with Sheldon in Raj’s coat closet.
Her tongue slid against his, sure and quick, but testing and teasing at the same time. When he didn’t recoil, she let it leisurely curl in his mouth, coaxing him to respond.
Then Sheldon Cooper did the unexpected. He bit down lightly on her bottom lip, pulling back slightly and sucking her lip into his mouth for a fraction of a second. It was the tiniest nibble, really, but from Sheldon it was the sexiest thing he’d done yet, shooting a jolt through her and numbing her brain to everything but him. Then he kissed her, pushing back against her and pulling her towards him all at once. His hands slipped down her waist, long finger gripping against the curve of her rear as his tongue slid over the sensitive flesh on the roof of her mouth and she groaned against his lips.
She couldn’t get enough of him, and he didn’t seem to be against the idea of her trying. At all. In fact, no matter what denials emerged from his throat, his mouth was repeatedly saying something different when it was on hers.
That pulled her up short. He never had tried to turn her down or turn her away like she thought he would.
His mouth was always saying the same thing. Why hadn’t she noticed that before?
“Sheldon,” Penny breathed, the words muffled between their lips. She was taking quick nips from his mouth now, trying to catch her breath but unable to stop kissing him. Her breasts were pressed heavily against his chest, and she could feel his panting beneath her, the sensation creating subtle vibrations. Everything with Sheldon seemed heightened and Penny wasn’t sure if it was because she loved him or if it was because it was still such a novel idea that he was participating in something as risky, slimy (if she was being honest, making out was kind of gross if he wasn’t into it), and physical as kissing her in Raj’s coat closet.
The wood of the box cracked beneath her feet. The sound deafening in the airless room, even above the sounds of their panting. Penny reacted, moving forward so that she was in Sheldon’s arms for a moment before sliding down his body, her body rubbing against his deliciously.
Sheldon compensated for her weight by taking a step back.
Glass shattered.
“What the?” Raj questioned, hand on the door. He was literally inches away from their hiding place, and Penny was sure he was facing in their direction. She resisted the urge to cover Sheldon’s mouth with her hand, to make sure he didn’t say anything to give away their position. It would probably be just as prudent to cover her hand with her mouth, since she was breathing audibly from a combination of the kissing (which, worst fantastic idea ever) and anxiety they were about to be caught.
“RAAAAAAJ!” Howard called from the hallway. “HURRY UP. YOU’RE SLOWER THAN COLD MOLASSES!”
He sounded frighteningly like his mother.
“OKAY,” Raj yelled back, and then muttered under his breath, “you old biddy.”
Then he was gone and both Penny and Sheldon let out a mutual sigh of relief.
“Penny, I feel tingles.”
“Me too,” she said with a grin. He just used tingles to describe the post-kissing sensation. Adorable. “It’s because you’re a great kisser.”
“Well, I won’t deny that in the face of the overwhelming evidence. I do excel at everything I do, with the exception of vehicular driving, but I think the discomforting sensation is because ladybugs are crawling up my leg.”
Penny shrieked and darted out of the closet, not even caring if Raj decided to return to change his socks or something. When Sheldon didn’t emerge, she realized that he was far more freaked out than she was. Sheldon was the one who screamed at the sight of a spider, and now that light had filtered through the door of the closet, he was staring down at his leg in horror and revulsion.
“Penny,” he begged in a choked voice.
There were totally ladybugs crawling up his leg. She wasn’t sure if he could see them or not, but she could and it was a terrifying sight, almost like that scene in The Mummy with the scarabs and... yeah, she was freaking herself out a little bit, and he was relying on her to be the heroic bug killer.
Penny reached into the closet and dragged Sheldon out of it. “Take off your pants!” she barked, hands already rapidly removing his belt. It was testament to how petrified he was that he wasn’t resisting her partially stripping him, especially considering his hands had just been groping her ass.
She didn’t even sneak a peek, or at least much of one, before taking his pants and swiping the ladybugs off. Some were still in larval state and couldn’t fly away, but many took flight, some clinging to her clothes but most diverging around the apartment. It was the larvae that were difficult to get off. The little buggers clung and were super ugly to boot.
She was just finishing up with his pants, turning them inside-out to check to make sure she got everything, when she realized she had pretty much accomplished her entire plan. Now it looked something like this:
Step 1: Get Sheldon to agree with her plan.
Step 2: Suggest a prank to play on Leonard/Raj/Howard/Kripke/Wheaton
Step 3: Sit close to Sheldon and plan plans. Argue a lot. Keep alone time going as long as possible.
Step 4: Be sneaky.
Step 5: Snog the pants off Sheldon Lee Cooper. Bonus points for being literal.
Though technically, getting Sheldon Lee Cooper’s pants off had been a by-product of the snogging, not actually a direct result thereof. She was still counting it and implementing Step 4: Be sneaky as justification.
So she peeked. She couldn’t help it. His legs were just as she remembered them, kind of scrawny, and at first glance she’d call them chicken-legs, but proportionately skinny and not like how some men with wide thighs had scrawny calves. Only, Sheldon had one of his legs up on a chair as he swiped at what were now imaginary bugs, and she might have been hallucinating, but it looked like he had some muscle definition because as he shifted there was definitely some flexing going on.
Must be all those stairs he climbed.
“Penny, why didn’t you think to bring bug spray?”
She was too busy licking her lips to respond.
“Penny? Penny,” he said impatiently. “Penny.”
“Huh? Wha?” she asked, reluctantly dragging her attention to his face. “Oh, uh... why didn’t you?”
“Must I think of everything?” he asked. “And could you stop ogling me? It’s making me uncomfortable. I’m not the type of man you objectify.”
“No?” she asked with a smirk. “Why not?”
“Why not?” he echoed incredulously. “I’m a scientist. A theoretical physicist. My IQ is 187. To quote you, it is my mind which is beautiful and I should be appreciated thusly.”
“It’s not just your mind, Sheldon,” she told him, running her eyes down his body and grinning as he eeped. “I could give you a list. But I doubt that would help. Would it make you feel better if I took my pants off as well, and we can have a no-pants peep party?” She unbuttoned the top of her black jeans and shimmied until her bright pink underwear was showing and he was giving her a horrified, wide-eyed look of panic. Penny laughed and handed him his pants, turning around so he could put them back on because she might tease him, but she didn’t want to entirely break him. “It’s a shame I’m not allowed to objectify you. Your legs aren’t bad Dr. Cooper, and I’ve got this huuuuge thing for your hands.”
“I noticed.”
“You noticed,” she echoed in surprise, whipping her head around so rapidly she caught said hands buttoning his slacks. There was a small strip of pale skin exposed between where he had hiked up his shirts to accommodate his pants. She was almost too startled to notice. Almost.
“You’ve been getting distracted when I do complex manoeuvres whilst playing Halo, to the point where I automatically win. You pay keen attention to my movements rather than my words when I’m trying to demonstrate something using my imaginary whiteboard.” He stepped up beside her, and brought his hand up to her ear. For a second she thought he was picking a bug off, but instead his fingers trailed above her skin, not quite touching her but mere millimetres away. They moved slowly down her jawline, and she could almost feel the ghost of his touch, but more importantly she could see his hands, traveling leisurely above her skin. As he did this, he spoke, his voice intent. “I know my hands arouse you because you make a sound of approval every time I touch you.”
His fingers brushed against her lips, stroking this time. They parted involuntarily beneath his light teasing. Penny made a desperate sound in the back of her throat, not even meaning to - one that spoke of both approval and desperate need - and he smirked at her as he stepped away, his hypothesis proved.
“Jesus Sheldon,” Penny whispered, licking her lip and imagining she could taste him on them.
He was going to be the death of her.
x.x.x.x.x.
A/N: Well, Continuum is officially half way over. This is the point I always feel the most insecure about, because I worry I screwed the pooch and instead of giving a slow wonderful built-up to the climactic scenes, I instead started too hot-n-heavy and there’s nothing to anticipate anymore. I call this the mid-story neurosis (I just made that up). The next chapter is the penultimate one, and I will have a few announcements to make at the end of it (if I forget, you’re totally allowed to ask) about bonus material.
Ok, so I just added that because penultimate is an awesome word. Go vocabulary.
But really. Bonus material. Anticipate it.