(no subject)
If someone won't forbid me to listen to Bill Hicks' mp3s, I'm definitely going to die of laughter soon.
"You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been
mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked
by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard,
Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.
And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to
bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you
Lord. Thank you Lord."
"Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life?
Let me sit down and strap in. He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." I think God put you here
to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be.. fuckin'
with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who
believes in me now, ha ha." [mimes God burying fossils] "I am God, I am a prankster." "I am killing Me."
"A lot of Christians wear
crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to see a fucking cross? Ow!
Maybe that's why he hasn't shown up yet...it's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant...just thinking
of John..."
"I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza
where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum
called... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology
here but... Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know,
cos Oswald's not in it."
"So there, we have figured it out, go back to bed America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back
to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed
America, here's American Gladiators. Here's 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their fuckin skulls
together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America, you are free... to do as we tell you.
You are free, to do as we tell you."
Sometimes I wonder how he was able to make people laugh, not cry, when they heard his speeches.
"You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been
mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked
by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard,
Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.
And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to
bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you
Lord. Thank you Lord."
"Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life?
Let me sit down and strap in. He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." I think God put you here
to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be.. fuckin'
with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who
believes in me now, ha ha." [mimes God burying fossils] "I am God, I am a prankster." "I am killing Me."
"A lot of Christians wear
crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to see a fucking cross? Ow!
Maybe that's why he hasn't shown up yet...it's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant...just thinking
of John..."
"I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza
where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum
called... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology
here but... Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know,
cos Oswald's not in it."
"So there, we have figured it out, go back to bed America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back
to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed
America, here's American Gladiators. Here's 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their fuckin skulls
together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America, you are free... to do as we tell you.
You are free, to do as we tell you."
Sometimes I wonder how he was able to make people laugh, not cry, when they heard his speeches.