(THE FINAL SERMON)
With a night of relatively decent sleep, I woke up with a moment of utter clarity. Before I had a chance to comprehend where I was, and before I had a chance to let the fear creep in, it occurred to me that I hadn't made but one friend in the previous three days of The Retreat.
This was not a new concept, I was a loner in school and was accustomed to being alone, not that I liked it. The familiar emotional terrain of loneliness caused me to forget about the one hope I had that caused me to come to the Retreat in the first place. I had hoped that even though these were older kids, one or two of them might take me in and make me a friend, even if it were just for a few days.
But I found that teens are alike all over. If you didn't quite fit in, then you had to prove yourself in order to get in with whichever crowd they were in. I thought being with the Church, things would have been different. But in that moment of clarity, I realized I was wrong.
Gregory, however, did befriend me, even though I didn't realize it until the night before. I suspected that his willingness to be friends with me, which in retrospect had been since we met, came from the fact that he didn't really belong either. Like me, there was something haunting him, and I was convinced I knew what it was.
I woke up before the others, just after dawn, with the painful need to urinate. I decided that with the sunlight acting as a chaperone, the daylight betraying any attempt I might make to use the side of the cabin as a urinal, I would have to drag myself all the way to the restrooms.
I made the trip in what seemed record time, but when I got back, I found that Gregory was awake and sitting on the edge of the bed.
He looked at me and smiled. "G'morning." he croaked, sleep still clogging his voice.
"Morning." I said standing in the doorway, realizing that our conversation the night before changed everything. He now knew that I was gay and I suspected that he might be as well. There had been signs to the contrary, but I easily dismissed those signs as assumptions, and with only one more day to explore this new development, I found myself at a loss for words.
"I'm going to take a shower. Meet you in the mess hall?" he said standing up and grabbing his towel, which was draped over the corner of the bunkbed.
I opened my mouth, just stopping short of offering to join him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The disastrous episode a couple of days before made me careful of when I went to shower, and I was in and out of there in record time. But the shower house was always busy in the morning, and I didn't want to risk exposure in my desire for him.
"Yeah." was all I said, and I turned around and walked away before he could see that my pants were getting tighter.
Breakfast wasn't going to be for another couple of hours, and the mess hall was completely empty when I walked in. I walked over to the gaming area, complete with stacks of board games and game pieces, and found a relatively new pack of cards. I took the cards to my usual spot by the window and I laid out a fresh batch of solitaire.
I got through two failed games when Gregory arrived with a fresh set of clothes and the scent of soap surrounding him. His hair was still damp and he somehow still had a drop of water barely hanging from his straggly beard.
I couldn't help but smile when I saw him, and I felt that it was alright to do so.
He sat down across from me on the wooden bench, and said, "You like that game a lot, huh?"
"Yeah," I said.
I shuffled the cards, and asked if he wanted to play a game. He said no, claiming that he was no good at cards, so I laid out another game of solitaire.
After laying out the cards, I looked up and said, "How did you know?"
"Know what?" Gregory asked, frowning at the cards.
"About...my secret?" I asked, feeling my face burn at having to explain.
He looked up into my eyes, and that drop of water finally fell onto the table. After a moment he said, "I see how you look at boys, and you never look at girls. Guess I just...knew."
I wanted to ask him if he did the same thing, but I was too scared to do so.
Instead I said, "And it doesn't bother you?" I hoped the question would be vague and open ended enough to give him to opportunity to be as honest with me as I was with him. I told him he didn't have to share his secret with me, but that didn't mean I had to stop being curious about it.
"Nah," he said, looking back at the cards, "My brother and my uncle are like that. I'm used to it."
That response was a bit more detached than I wanted, but I still kept hope.
"Oh," I said, picking up a card and laying it down, "Where is the church you go to?"
"I don't go to church."
I had picked up a red card, and was halfway to putting it on a black card, but this new piece of information made me freeze. I couldn't help it. I was just thrown a curve ball.
"You don't?" I said, card between my fingers as it hovered between us.
Gregory shook his head and said, "Nope."
I had assumed everyone that was there went to Church, and wasn't aware that anyone would sign up for it.
"Then..." I began, but he interrupted me before I could ask how he came to the Retreat.
"I got in a lot of trouble and I agreed to come to this rather than, the other thing." he said, not looking up.
I put down the card and asked, "What other thing?"
"They were gonna lock me up." he said, his voice changing. It became younger, like a scared child.
My game forgotten, I asked, "What did you do?"
"I hurt someone." he said, and there was a tone that told me that it was all of the information I would going to get out of him for a while. As far as I could tell, that was all I would ever find out.
I continued my game for a while, and we sat in silence. Then, the cooking crew arrived and began banging away getting ready for breakfast.
The first to arrive at the mess hall after that was Todd. He looked around for someone and saw me and came right over.
"I guess you decided to say, huh?" Todd said clapping me on the shoulder.
"Yeah..." I said shyly, embarrassed that Gregory now knew that I had considered leaving.
Todd squeeze my shoulder and said, "I knew that God would talk to you. And it seems you made a friend. What's your name? I'm Todd."
Gregory looked up at Todd and extended his hand to shake, "Gregory, sir. Pleased t'meet ya."
"Well," Todd said, "are you both ready for tonight? It's all been leading to this, you know. Your life is going to change!"
I guess he thought we were going to stand and cheer, or at least respond, but because of his ill timing he got neither.
"Say," he finally said, giving up on the three person rally he was trying to ignite, "You wouldn't happen to have seen Sherrie anywhere..."
"No sir." I said, having lost my concentration on the game and was pondering starting over again.
"Well, if you see her, tell her that I need to talk to her, 'kay?" Todd said and was already turning to leave.
Since he didn't stay for the response, I didn't bother to give him one. Of course, if I saw Sherrie, I would send the message, but I didn't like when people only engaged me when they needed a favor.
"I'm not going tonight." Gregory said, his voice back to normal with a edge of resolution.
Deciding it was time to start the game over, I said, "What is it?"
"They didn't tell you? It's a bonfire. It's a big one. Bigger than the ones they had ever night." he said, as if I should already know this. Oblivious by nature, I never questioned whether I had been told and had simply forgotten or dismissed it.
I read in a book that had described a bonfire in a forest that was used in some strange occult festival. Everyone had stripped to naked or their underclothes and dance around the fire. At first, everyone was doing their own thing, but then without warning or reason, everyone was synchronized. Not just the same way at the same time, but as if they were each a mirror reflection of each other. The purpose of this made them more aware of their enemies, and by the time the dance was over, each person dancing around the fire had the ability to look into a person's soul and discover their true intent.
The story scared me pretty badly, not because of the occult, but the description of the fire, which was in a clearing in the middle of the forest. It was twice the size of all of the participants, and blazed so fiercely that the dancers were red and sore within seconds.
The fact that Gregory wasn't going make me consider skipping the event, but this new information made my mind up for me.
"I'm not going either." I said, gathering the failed Solitaire game and getting the cards back into one deck, ready to shuffle. It was then I noticed that my hands were shaking.
A group of teens came into the mess hall and I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. I needed a diversion, and breakfast sounded like a good one. Then again, my time alone with Gregory was over and it felt like we wouldn't get another chance like this before the Retreat was over.
I didn't have much of an appetite, but decided to go ahead and have some toast and jelly so I wouldn't feel so bad later when the heat reached its peak.
---
It was the final "workshop", and it was to prepare us for the event that night. While everyone seemed to be aware that there would be a bonfire, no one really understood what the purpose was. There was speculation that there would be more singing, while some joked that the boys would be forced to hunt and dress a large animal while the girls were forced to cook it as preparations of their roles in life.
Everyone around me that heard this laughed. I didn't. The fact that no one knew what the event was going to actually be scared me more than ever. I knew I wasn't going to want to go, but I was no longer sure if I would be allowed to skip the event. At least, not without questions, and I wasn't about to get mixed up in all of that.
The Youth Minister came in and was followed by all of the male Teen Leaders, of which there were 7. Individually, they all looked like teens, but when you put them all together, they looked like a group of young men. One of my cabin mates was standing up there, and his face was unreadable.
The Youth Minister stood at the podium and picked up his bible. The room went completely quiet, and as the Youth Minister looked up, he seemed to savor in the silence before speaking. He was about to say something he considered to be profound.
"Right now," he said in a voice that sounded much louder than usual, "I see a room full of young boys. In the last few days, you have grown, not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of God. You have discovered that you are an imperfect person in an imperfect world. With that knowledge, you will be able to seek out your calling and become the man that God wants you to be. But before you can do that, you have to be honest with God. He already knows you better than you know yourself, but unless you confront all that keeps you from being the man that God wants you to be, then your relationship with God is flawed. He knows the truth, so there is no point in hiding.
Many of you have given into the sin of drugs and alcohol. You don't have to tell me, I already know. I know because Satan is a powerful enemy and without proper guidance both from God and those that serve Him, your guard against temptation is nothing.
Even worse, some of you have engaged in fornication. This is just as serious, and God is very clear about how chastity is crucial to living by His Word.
Then there are some of you who have been tempted, but have no given in. Believe me, you will be tempted, and you are no better than anyone else in this room. I've been tempted, and I have given in. I have also paid a price that I wouldn't wish on any of you. Don't think that just because you think you got away with it, that God is going to forget so easily. God is kind and compassionate, but his wrath against sin is harsh, but fair.
Tonight, you will bare your soul. Every one of you. We will all be together, both the girls and the boys, leaders and adult. We will lay out our sins and we will pray for a new start.
You've heard the stories of those who have been down the path of sin. You have discussed with each other how you've been tempted. You have all bonded as groups, but tonight you *must* bond as one. Every one of you."
In the silence that followed, I could heard a couple of the boys sniffling. One was sobbing, but quietly. It unnerved me. Gregory was sitting in front of me, but his body language told me what I had suspected. He and I were in the same boat. We were not going to do this. Our reasons might be different, but our resolution was the same.
The Youth Minister then went into his final sermon of the week. That's really what these workshops were, I knew it at this point. I had hoped that we would actually do a project or something, but that wasn't to be. Later, when I had time to reflect, it dawned on me that since we were supposed to be entering adulthood, we were to give up the things that kept us from doing so. The Adult Christian Life was about sermons, not entertainment. Church wasn't a social haven, but a place of worship. That was part of our preparation into adulthood, the disillusionment of our young Christian life.
In other words, we weren't in Sunday School anymore.
After the sermon, we were given an assignment. The Event (which was what it was dubbed from then on out) would be taking place in a designated clearing deeper into the woods. Aside from dinner, our time was ours to do as we wish. The Youth Minister highly recommended that we take the time to discuss The Event with those who we have connected with.
That was the first thing he said all day that I took seriously, because I intended to do just that.
---
Afterward, we all stood up, and there was a seriousness in the room, without all of the laughing and kidding around that usually followed something that was really boring. I tapped Gregory on the shoulder, but he didn't notice me. He awkwardly walked quickly toward the Youth Minister. I couldn't hear what was being said, but after a few words back and forth, the Youth Minister put his hand on Gregory's shoulder and led him out of the room.
I stood there, feeling somewhat devastated that my opportunity to talk to Gregory was delayed, if not denied. I had a strong feeling, so strong that it almost became fact in my mind, that I was about to lose that commonality with Gregory now. I wasn't sure how it was going to happen, but I was all but convinced that it would happen before I had a chance to talk to him.
Not knowing what else to do, I went back to the cabin.
---
I wasn't even in the mood to read, so I just climbed into bed and thought. My mind raced from thoughts of Gregory in a romantic sense, to thoughts of helping ease the burden of his mind. I wasn't sure if the Youth Minister would do anything but botch up the job, because he didn't *understand* Gregory like I did. True, I didn't know the Youth Minister well enough to know whether or not we had the same types of demons, but one thing was for certain. If my guess about Gregory was correct, the Youth Minister wouldn't give up until *that* problem was fixed.
And then inevitably, the two of them would attempt to fix me.
This was what I was thinking about when the cabin door opened up and Gregory walked in. He walked over to my bunk and looked right at me and said, "I need to talk to you."
He had been crying, something that filled me with dread.
"Let's go to the lake." was all I said. I climbed down, and fought the urge to do something affectionate, like take his hand or give him a hug. Instead, I touched his arm as I passed him, and we both left the cabin to our private spot.
(TO BE CONCLUDED)
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Random and Absurd: The American Way