365 Days of Me: January 13 -- The Retreat (Part One)
THE ARRIVAL
The weather forecast for the entire week was hot and muggy, and I could feel it as I sat alone in the seat on the bus headed to the Retreat. I had a headache and the nausea that I knew was coming was creeping in slowly with every bump of the road.
The bus was full of other teens, all of them excited for the coming week. Some were singing, some were praying, and some were innocently gossiping about the previous school year that had just ended.
The Retreat was supposed to be a gateway into being the best Teen Christian you could be, with counselors there to help guide you into a time when there would be a lot of temptation and emotional conflict. Once the week was over, we were promised tools to keep us from becoming yet another Teen Statistic, falling shamefully into teen pregnancy, alcohol and/or drugs.
I tried to mentally talk the nausea down, staring out the window as the scenery passed. My discomfort was almost enough to make me forget the destination, a State Park where the retreat was held each year. State Parks get my anxiety up, and in between waves on nausea, I chided myself for even agreeing to go to The Retreat. I knew where it was held, yet I signed up anyway.
Expenses for the weekend were usually quite bit of money, but the Church waived the fee for me, since they had determined that if The Retreat was meant for anyone, it was me. While they didn't know everything about me, they knew enough to be concerned. They hoped that one week out in the woods would help decipher the mysteries of me, and I was betting that it would only confuse them further.
Sherrie, one of the leaders of the weekend, sat down next to me, and grabbed my knee, shaking it.
"Aren't you excited, Bill? I mean, there are so many things planned for this week. It will change you!" she said, in her perky voice that would have been endearing if I wasn't about to throw up all over the place.
I grunted and continued to look out the window. My previous attempts to look around only made the nausea worse.
Sherrie shook my knee again and said, "You know what the best part is? On the last night of The Retreat, we are going to do something that will change your life. I promise you that!"
"What's that?" I asked, not caring if I was heard or not.
"You'll just have to wait and find out," she said, "Are you OK?"
Something triggered in my head, and I turned to Sherrie saying, "Can the bus pull over. I'm going to be sick."
I barely made it.
---
The irrational fear of being out in the woods struck me as soon as we entered the state park. The mood of the bus had changed after I had noisily hurled near the front right tire of the bus, and the only thing that was worse than my embarrassment was the headache that throbbed in time to the constant movement. I hoped being sick would make me feel better, but the heat, which was now stale and smothering was preventing that.
Sherrie stayed with me, sometimes patting my knee in comfort. As soon as we entered the park, I started to breathe faster, panic setting in. Sherrie had a trash bag with her in case I vomited again, but I told her that I was fine. I closed my eyes, and just let the fear wash over me. In a way, it was better than the nausea and the pain in my head, but only at first. Then the combination of the three made things unbearable.
No one knew of my aversion of the woods, and I was going to keep it that way. I think it was that determination that made me stand up with everyone else once the bus was parked.
I only had one bag for the entire week, but it was large enough to be awkward when I pulled it from the overhead bin. I still felt weak from the motion sickness, and I thought I was going to have to sit back down again, but I pushed myself. I asked Sherrie, who was in full Leadership mode now, how far it was to where we would be staying. She simply told me to follow everyone else, and that it wouldn't be that far.
I stepped off the bus, and since it was 10am, the heat was still rising. The area the bus was parked was open, but the destination was beyond a sort of doorway in the trees leading into the park. Just standing by the bus made my pulse race and my head pound harder, and I knew that with each step I took, it would only get worse.
Most of the kids were already walking up the path, and I didn't want to be left behind so I pushed myself forward. I felt a little better staying with the group, even though most of them were looking at me strangely. I didn't have any real friends my age at the church, and I really didn't mind all that much. I had assumed that the Youth Minister (who was on the second bus which hadn't arrived yet), hoped that I would be able to forge some friendships, but I wasn't as optimistic.
By the time I crossed the threshold going into the park, my anxiety was in the red. My jaw was clenched so hard that I could hear my teeth grinding, and both of my left hand was almost numb from gripping the handle of my suitcase as hard as I was. The urge to feel was strong, but I also felt I had spent all of my "freak points" by blowing chunks 45 minutes earlier while the entire bus was forced to listen.
Sherrie was near a small clearing, directing the boys to one side where there were bunkhouses, and the girls on the other side. As I began to walk in the direction of the other boys, Sherrie asked me if I was alright. I nodded my head, not trusting my voice at all.
I followed the other boys, and there was an older teen who was pointing out available cabins to anyone who asked. I looked around the circle of bunkhouses and found one that was near the lake, in a fairly open area. It was also furthest from the center, were the activities were to take place, and near the mess hall. I didn't mind the extra distance because this was the first time in almost 8 years I had been in any sort of forested area. I would rather be out in the open near a lake rather than being surrounded by forest, one of my worst nightmares. It would be like someone who is afraid of heights trying to sleep on the top floor of a high rise building, or an arachnophobe sleeping near a tank full of spiders.
I walked into the bunkhouse, which was surprisingly neat. The bunks were simple, and the mattresses were bare, but it wasn't crawling with insects and I was surprised to discover that there were fans in two of the windows providing air circulation. It was a band aid on a bullet wound as far as I was concerned, but I was still grateful for the attempt at comfort nonetheless.
I set my suitcase on the bottom bed nearest the door, and sat down, not really knowing what to do next. For the moment, my brain was idling high, but steady, and I was trying to convince myself that I was going to make it through the week without freaking out.
I wasn't alone in the bunkhouse very long. Two older boys came in and asked if it was full up. I looked up at them and said I was the only one so far, and they came in. While I was glad to have company, I didn't know these guys very well and I felt the awkwardness beginning to sink in. I was going to be spending a week with these guys, and I was uncomfortable around other boys as it was.
One of the things I had in my suitcase was a small sleeping bag, and I pulled it out to make up my bed. We had been told we could bring sheets and blankets, but my family really couldn't afford to get special sheets for just a week. I knew it wasn't going to make me comfortable anyway, so it really didn't matter.
Another boy, about the same age as the ones who came in earlier, stuck his head in and said that the other bus had finally arrived. Apparently, this bus contained friends of all three boys and I felt a pang of sadness because I was really all by myself that weekend. I didn't have anyone who was coming that I was looking forward to seeing, and no one was looking forward to seeing me as far as I knew. Had I put all of this information together; the conflicting emotions, the fear of the woods, and the isolation, I would have never signed up for The Retreat, free pass or no.
As soon as the boys were gone, I climbed into my sleeping bag, and wished for sleep. The only thing that came were tears.
---
A short time later, the boys were back, and this time they had several other boys with them. The bunkhouse slept 8, and once all of the boys arrived, the cabin was full. At least it sounded like it. I was lying in bed, facing away from everyone, not really wanting to talk, or join in the excitement. I had contained my emotions for the time being, but I was in no mood to play the game of Happy.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and a deep voice, thick like molasses, said, "Hey Little Guy, you 'wake?"
Startled, I looked behind me not expecting to be confronted by an adult. At the time, I still distrusted adults that I didn't know,
"Sorry, Little Guy, but I need to ask a favor." he said, his voice deep enough where I could almost feel it shaking the room.
I didn't say anything, but gave a look that said that I was waiting for the favor to be asked.
He gave an innocent, apologetic smile and said, "Can I trade ya? I don't think you want me in the bed above you. He stood up then, and he was a towering hulk. I studied him briefly, and I realized I was incorrect in my assumption that he was an adult. While he had the shape of a professional football player, his stance revealed him to be around 17 or 18 years of age.
I wiped my face, and sat up, feeling small and weak as I watched him, and I looked at the top bunk. It seemed strange to me that someone would want to give up such a coveted spot, one that I had assumed I would lose as soon as the older kids got there. But he was correct, though. Now that he had put the image in my head, I could see his considerable weight causing the upper bed to collapse on top of me.
"Sure thing." I said, and I grabbed my sleeping bag and threw it onto the upper bunk.
"Thanks buddy." he said, and he clapped me on the shoulder. It didn't hurt, but it almost knocked me down.
I climbed onto the top bunk, and I watched him for a bit as he talked to the other boys. I suddenly had something to look forward to that week.
The hulking teen, whose name was Gregory, laughed and joked with the other boys. He wasn't a member of our church, but was invited by one of my cabin mates. Apparently, he was in need of spiritual guidance, and the Church offered another free pass to him.
I watched him and I realized that I found him attractive. This wasn't as much as it was surprising as it was problematic since we were going to be in close proximity for the next 5 days.
For the first time that day, I felt something other than fear, nausea, embarrassment and isolation.
I felt a crush coming on.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
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