FIC: All These Things That I Have Done
Title: All These Things That I Have Done
Author: shelbecat
Rating: T
Spoilers: 3x13
Author’s Note: For rachel_wilder on the occasion of her birthday.
All These Things That I Have Done
Lyla’s going to miss Tim more than she can put into words. More than she missed her mother when she moved out to California. More than she missed her daddy when she moved in with Tim. More than she missed Jason…
She doesn’t think about how much she missed Jason when he left her; when they ended things. Because then, when she goes away to Vanderbilt, she might have to admit that maybe Tim isn’t the person she’ll miss the most.
She didn’t actually expect Jason to show up for Tim’s going away party. It wasn’t much of a party anyway; not the way the Riggins’ boys usually celebrated a Friday night. It was just her and Billy and a very pregnant (and could anyone complain louder?) Mindy sitting around with a few drinks. It was what Tim wanted, to keep it simple.
Then Jason’s voice reverberated through the thin walls of the living room, “You gonna hog all the beer like usual?”, and Lyla felt a lump stick in her throat.
She could do this, she could. It wasn’t like she still loved Jason. He was her past. Tim was her future.
Except Tim was leaving for college in the morning while Jason stayed on through the weekend. The problem with surprising everyone was that you could never be sure people would be expecting you. The Street’s were out of town and when Jason extended the invitation to Lyla to just ‘hang out’, it would have been rude to refuse. Instead she nodded yes and gulped down half a beer. Then she tried to focus on Tim and memorize every inch of his face, every mark on his body.
If he was burned into her brain it would make it that much harder to look at Jason.
“Call me as soon as you get there,” she whispered into Tim’s shirt as she clutched him close.
“Will do,” he replied.
She looked up into his eyes. He was going to miss her; he loved her. She knew that, but why did she feel like his eyes were judging her?
He stared back, silent. Finally he placed a hand on the side of her face and said softly, “Be good.”
Then he climbed into Billy’s truck and they pulled out.
She watched from the driveway until their truck rounded the corner. Guilt was a powerful emotion but if you were really strong, and she believed that she was, you could use it for fuel. Slowly, she turned and walked back to the house. Then she lifted the phone and called Jason.
The Street’s house hadn’t changed since the last time she’d been there. It felt the same to her too, like a homecoming she didn’t know she’d been longing for. She walked around the living room slowly, letting her fingers trail over the mantle, while Jason got some drinks in the kitchen. Her fingers closed on a framed picture of Noah above the fireplace. She smiled as she stared at his angelic face. She guessed some things had changed after all.
Jason was eager to share news of Noah and Erin; news that had gotten lost in the drunken conversation of the night before. She listened politely, and tried to act like she really, really cared about his new life, but it was a losing battle. She cared that he was happy, but it was hard to act like she didn’t wish he still lived here in this house, or at least this town.
When it was time for a refill, she offered to get the drinks, then switched out their glasses of iced tea for beer. Jason’s dad wouldn’t mind, she figured. And it would calm the blood pounding in her ears every time she met his eyes.
Jason only nodded his approval when she returned. And Lyla sat a bit closer to his chair when she resumed her position on the couch.
Pizza was the logical next step after devouring the beer and making their way through most of Jason’s left behind CD collection. He needed to be choosy about what he brought back to New Jersey in his small suitcase (Lyla tried not to make a face when he told her the reason for the trip down memory lane). It was something they’d shared together-lazy Saturdays in his bedroom alternating between studying and making out with The Killers providing the soundtrack-she hated to think about him sharing this with someone else.
When the pizza arrived she set it up on the floor right beside his chair.
“You want…” she asked, inviting him down on the floor with her hands.
He nodded and slid out of his chair to rest his back against the couch. His hands were still awkward and when he dropped half his toppings into his lap, she reached for the napkins first.
“Let me,” she said quickly, leaning over to scoop cheese and pepperoni off his thighs. Her hair landed in the sauce and she flicked it over her shoulder, tossing her head towards his as she did. She stopped when her eyes met his, staring directly at her. Suddenly she didn’t care about pizza or if it stained his mother’s carpet. She only cared about one thing-the thing she had been missing.
Her lips met his and suddenly they were back in his bedroom at 16.
The irony that her infidelity was with the man she had cheated on in the first place wasn’t lost on her. It was like completing the circle. Coming home.
Jason was polite, but he didn’t ask her to stay after they’d cleaned up. He only mumbled something about calling Erin and told her thanks. He even offered to pay for the pizza as she was leaving, like she was a call girl collecting her fee. She said a firm ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ and left. Her dignity was shot through with holes but she clung to the tattered fabric like a warm blanket. She wouldn’t call herself a whore. She couldn’t.
When she got home she went straight for the shower and tried to tell herself the water would wash away the dirt on the inside too.
When Tim called, she let it go to voice mail. She sat at her desk brushing out her wet hair and listened to his voice wrap around her from across the miles. He sounded tired and sad, like he was reaching out for something familiar.
She knew all too well how desperate that feeling could be.
It would be three months before she saw him. By then she’d be right with what she’d done. And Tim would never have to know about the indelible stain Jason Street had left upon her heart.
/fin/
Author: shelbecat
Rating: T
Spoilers: 3x13
Author’s Note: For rachel_wilder on the occasion of her birthday.
All These Things That I Have Done
Lyla’s going to miss Tim more than she can put into words. More than she missed her mother when she moved out to California. More than she missed her daddy when she moved in with Tim. More than she missed Jason…
She doesn’t think about how much she missed Jason when he left her; when they ended things. Because then, when she goes away to Vanderbilt, she might have to admit that maybe Tim isn’t the person she’ll miss the most.
She didn’t actually expect Jason to show up for Tim’s going away party. It wasn’t much of a party anyway; not the way the Riggins’ boys usually celebrated a Friday night. It was just her and Billy and a very pregnant (and could anyone complain louder?) Mindy sitting around with a few drinks. It was what Tim wanted, to keep it simple.
Then Jason’s voice reverberated through the thin walls of the living room, “You gonna hog all the beer like usual?”, and Lyla felt a lump stick in her throat.
She could do this, she could. It wasn’t like she still loved Jason. He was her past. Tim was her future.
Except Tim was leaving for college in the morning while Jason stayed on through the weekend. The problem with surprising everyone was that you could never be sure people would be expecting you. The Street’s were out of town and when Jason extended the invitation to Lyla to just ‘hang out’, it would have been rude to refuse. Instead she nodded yes and gulped down half a beer. Then she tried to focus on Tim and memorize every inch of his face, every mark on his body.
If he was burned into her brain it would make it that much harder to look at Jason.
“Call me as soon as you get there,” she whispered into Tim’s shirt as she clutched him close.
“Will do,” he replied.
She looked up into his eyes. He was going to miss her; he loved her. She knew that, but why did she feel like his eyes were judging her?
He stared back, silent. Finally he placed a hand on the side of her face and said softly, “Be good.”
Then he climbed into Billy’s truck and they pulled out.
She watched from the driveway until their truck rounded the corner. Guilt was a powerful emotion but if you were really strong, and she believed that she was, you could use it for fuel. Slowly, she turned and walked back to the house. Then she lifted the phone and called Jason.
The Street’s house hadn’t changed since the last time she’d been there. It felt the same to her too, like a homecoming she didn’t know she’d been longing for. She walked around the living room slowly, letting her fingers trail over the mantle, while Jason got some drinks in the kitchen. Her fingers closed on a framed picture of Noah above the fireplace. She smiled as she stared at his angelic face. She guessed some things had changed after all.
Jason was eager to share news of Noah and Erin; news that had gotten lost in the drunken conversation of the night before. She listened politely, and tried to act like she really, really cared about his new life, but it was a losing battle. She cared that he was happy, but it was hard to act like she didn’t wish he still lived here in this house, or at least this town.
When it was time for a refill, she offered to get the drinks, then switched out their glasses of iced tea for beer. Jason’s dad wouldn’t mind, she figured. And it would calm the blood pounding in her ears every time she met his eyes.
Jason only nodded his approval when she returned. And Lyla sat a bit closer to his chair when she resumed her position on the couch.
Pizza was the logical next step after devouring the beer and making their way through most of Jason’s left behind CD collection. He needed to be choosy about what he brought back to New Jersey in his small suitcase (Lyla tried not to make a face when he told her the reason for the trip down memory lane). It was something they’d shared together-lazy Saturdays in his bedroom alternating between studying and making out with The Killers providing the soundtrack-she hated to think about him sharing this with someone else.
When the pizza arrived she set it up on the floor right beside his chair.
“You want…” she asked, inviting him down on the floor with her hands.
He nodded and slid out of his chair to rest his back against the couch. His hands were still awkward and when he dropped half his toppings into his lap, she reached for the napkins first.
“Let me,” she said quickly, leaning over to scoop cheese and pepperoni off his thighs. Her hair landed in the sauce and she flicked it over her shoulder, tossing her head towards his as she did. She stopped when her eyes met his, staring directly at her. Suddenly she didn’t care about pizza or if it stained his mother’s carpet. She only cared about one thing-the thing she had been missing.
Her lips met his and suddenly they were back in his bedroom at 16.
The irony that her infidelity was with the man she had cheated on in the first place wasn’t lost on her. It was like completing the circle. Coming home.
Jason was polite, but he didn’t ask her to stay after they’d cleaned up. He only mumbled something about calling Erin and told her thanks. He even offered to pay for the pizza as she was leaving, like she was a call girl collecting her fee. She said a firm ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ and left. Her dignity was shot through with holes but she clung to the tattered fabric like a warm blanket. She wouldn’t call herself a whore. She couldn’t.
When she got home she went straight for the shower and tried to tell herself the water would wash away the dirt on the inside too.
When Tim called, she let it go to voice mail. She sat at her desk brushing out her wet hair and listened to his voice wrap around her from across the miles. He sounded tired and sad, like he was reaching out for something familiar.
She knew all too well how desperate that feeling could be.
It would be three months before she saw him. By then she’d be right with what she’d done. And Tim would never have to know about the indelible stain Jason Street had left upon her heart.
/fin/